Sometimes people say, “I hate the holidays.” And Halloween is usually the day each year when they start saying this. I help lots of people change this attitude. Usually they have very, very good reasons for disliking holidays… something terrible happened to them during the holidays, or celebrating the holidays only underscores a painful loss they suffered.

And that’s how it is for many of us. But if we keep it that way–if we leave holidays out of the pattern of our lives–we miss out on chances to connect with others, mark the seasons, celebrate what makes us glad in life, and just have fun! So I wish you a Happy Halloween, and hope you can be surprised by the beauty and delight of this time of year.

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This book, by Janis Abrahms Spring, is great for people who have a hard time forgiving someone close to them. She offers a healthy way to deal with the person without forgiving them, either because they are unwilling to reconcile with you, or they have died, or simply because forgiveness is just not something you’re ready to offer at this time. She also walks readers through the process of genuine forgiveness, which is a process that involves both you and the person who harmed you. Bottom line: forgiveness is not the only path. But if you choose forgiveness, you should know that it always takes two.

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You might be asking yourself this question. Maybe you just went through a breakup. Maybe you’ve been out of a relationship for a long time, or have never really had a romantic relationship in your life. You think it’s because there’s something “wrong” with you. I help people identify specific problems they have in their thinking or behavior, problems that keep them stuck or unhappy, but I also help people see how it’s not all because of them, that their unhappiness has to do with something else.

Here’s what I mean: any relationship is about two people, not one, and the new reality they create together. So if you just broke up with someone or “got dumped,” rest assured that both of you had something to do with it. And then there are all the other things going on in your lives–money problems, maybe family influences, work stress, you name it. So go easy on yourself! I’d like to help you get a better perspective so that you can just take it easy, take it slow, and find your way out of this pain.

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Bill O’Hanlon has lots of ideas for people who want to live better and feel better, one little step at a time. He starts his book by talking about his own dark period of depression and how he overcame it. He has lots of practical suggestions and creative ways of looking at the problems of life. Follow the link below to learn more about it and purchase his book. Recommended!

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Could it be this simple? That all we need is love and work? There’s a saying attributed* to Freud, “Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.” In my work, clients do usually focus on two things that look like love and work: relationships and careers. And when people are upset with themselves or feeling down, they often say they are “unlovable” or “worthless”–in other words, they think they’re failing in love and in work.

But even if those are the two big issues we humans have to wrestle with, it’s a little messier than it sounds: if you’ve ever been in a loving relationship, you know that it takes work. And if you’ve ever been happy in your daily work, you know that it’s something you’ve loved.

Sometimes people say they’re “married to their work,” and though they’re usually only half serious when they say it, I believe there’s a lot of truth to that. And that there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with it. Are you working on something you’re passionate about? Does your work–more than anything else–help you feel most fully alive? I help lots of clients find this kind of work in their lives.

And as for love, relationships, romance, friendships, and family…well, there’s a lot of labor involved, especially when the relationship is going well. Being honest with another person, asking for what you truly want, accepting the inevitable trade-offs, surrendering to a new reality of you-plus-one, pushing yourself to be more intimate even though it makes you anxious…that’s a lot of work! I help lots of clients with this, too, and have seen them (and myself) find deep satisfaction in the love and the work of human life.

*For anyone who’s curious, this site has the back story on the ‘love and work’ quotation.

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Sometimes couples think that if they’re having problems together, it means they’ve fallen out of love. They worry that the magic is gone, that all the excitement and fun and happiness of their relationship is gone forever. If we’re fighting, they think, it means our relationship is doomed.

I often help couples face two things when they feel this way: first, you’re right about one thing: what you had before is gone. People change, so relationships change. It’s hard, but it’s the truth. And second–and this is important!–the pain you feel right now could be a sign that your relationship is changing into something more, something better. As happy as you were “back then,” and as sad as you might feel that you’ve lost that happiness, you could be creating something better. You could be doing the hard work of increasing your intimacy.

Intimacy is hard because to be close to someone we need to go out of our comfort zone, make ourselves open and vulnerable to another person, take risks, and make mistakes. It’s messy! One image that helps me make sense of it is the mythical phoenix–the bird who bursts into flame, then rises from the ashes. If you feel like your relationship is in flames right now, it’s possible that you two are transforming into something new–maybe you’re creating a new relationship that is closer, more honest, and healthier. I can’t promise that you’ll come through this together, but I will say this: healthy relationships go haywire every so often. It’s not because something’s wrong. It’s one of the reasons why they’re healthy!

If you’re in pain right now, it might not mean something’s wrong. It might mean that you are doing something right.

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Sometimes it feels like our problems are complex. We might feel this way about our close relationships most of all. What could be more complicated than two people living intimately with each other? But often enough, it’s just a question of bravery: are you willing to step into the area of your life that scares you the most, and stay standing? Are you frightened to tell your partner the truth? Are you scared to try something new in your relationship? Are you worried that if you ask for what you want, your partner might say no, or leave you?

The hard truth is that some of these fears are realistic, reasonable fears. You might lose your partner if you assert yourself for the sake of your own integrity. You will lose your relationship as it used to be and push yourself into something new. It is scary! Your decision to do something frightening, something you’re not sure you know how to do, something that takes you out of your comfort zone… that’s bravery. It’s ironic that when we are being brave, we feel so scared!

In our work together, I promise that I also will be practicing bravery–in my work with you, and in my own personal relationships. Just like you, I don’t get a free pass when it comes to painful growth. But I am hopeful, hopeful for myself, for you, and for all people who work hard and expose themselves to pain and fear for the sake of their own growth. It’s what makes us human, and it’s what makes us (and I mean this) heroes.

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People who have not worked with a therapist sometimes ask if it is going to be a painful experience. My honest answer is yes. Sometimes it can be painful or uncomfortable to face a hard choice, confront someone you care about, or own up to something about yourself that you aren’t proud of, and work to change it.

As I say on my Relationships page, therapy can often be comforting. It can be a great relief to finally talk to someone about a problem. But it can also be hard. It’s my job sometimes to “hold you to the fire” just as much as it’s my job to be welcoming, personable, and accepting of you. But I wouldn’t do this work – and neither would you! – if there weren’t great rewards to be found when we face the pain and push ourselves to change and grow.

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Today the New York Times reported the results of a study showing that adolescents who receive talk therapy along with antidepressant medications are less likely to have suicidal thoughts. Talk therapy alone was also more effective than antidepressants alone in reducing suicidal thoughts. The study was led by Dr. John March, chief of child and adolescent psychiatry at the Duke University Medical Center.

Many parents are rightly concerned about their son or daughter who seems depressed and sometimes expresses suicidal thoughts. In the last few years, parents have also been alarmed to hear stories that certain antidepressants may actually increase suicidal thoughts and behaviors. Though it has been shown that fluoxetine – which is usually called Prozac – does not cause suicidal thoughts, many parents are understandably cautious about antidepressant prescriptions for their adolescent children. It’s good to know that if you or your son or daughter are not interested in antidepressants, talk therapy is actually more helpful. I have worked for years with adolescents, offering cognitive-behavioral therapy and dialectical-behavioral therapy to help lift them out of depression and better control their emotions. Let’s talk!

Here’s the New York Times link.

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