Have you ever been bored in a staff meeting at work? Some of you might answer, “Have I ever not been bored?!” In one of my “office” jobs, I sometimes found myself drifting off during staff meetings, and for a long time I didn’t think there was a different way to deal with staff meetings.

Then I learned more about the concept of “differentiation.” (I actually don’t like the word “differentiation”—it’s a Therapy Land kind of word, not something normal people use in conversation.) Here’s a plain-English definition of it: differentiation is being fully present, but not losing yourself. And here are some examples:

—In a partnership or dating relationship, to be differentiated is to be close to the other person emotionally, but also flexible, and grounded. The other person is freaking out? You might feel upset by that, but if you’re differentiated, you’re taking care of yourself—and soothing yourself—while the other person deals with their issues. You’re not running away and hiding. You’re staying fully present. But you’re also not losing yourself by anxiously trying to fix the other person or diffuse the situation.

—In a boring staff meeting (which sounds like something worlds away from the above example, but it’s really not!), to be differentiated is to notice your own resistance, which usually takes the form of daydreaming, or talking to your neighbor, or doodling, or checking your email, or…you know the drill. If you notice what you’re doing, you are then conscious of it and can try something different, something new. You can decide to turn your attention back to the person who’s speaking. Or you can listen to what’s being said and respond verbally with your own opinion. Or you can interject a comment like, “I think we’re getting off track. I’d like to go back to what we were discussing before.” You’re being fully present in the meeting, and not losing yourself in a cloud of daydreaming, restlessness, and exhausted frustration. You might notice that the “new you” in the staff meeting is much happier—and effective—than the old one.

I mention all this because our resistance—our lack of differentiation—can really cut into our enjoyment of life, work, and relationships. It’s hard to re-engage in a staff meeting, and even harder to stay fully present in a dynamic and sometimes-scary relationship. So take your time with it. Be kind to yourself. But also challenge yourself to notice your resistance, take a deep breath, and try something new.

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These days I’m reading books by Mary Roach, a journalist and author who has appeared in several magazines and likes to write about odd topics like what happens to the human body after death, or what happens to the human soul after death…and is there such thing as a human soul? She works hard on her books, traveling the world to fill them with interesting perspectives and insights. And she’s really funny.

Right now I’m reading her book called, “Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife” (see below for a link) and in one chapter she finds herself in India, apologizing to her host, who escorted her into remote Indian villages to investigate stories of reincarnation. Mary Roach is apologizing because she wasn’t exactly the easiest or most patient guest. She said to her host, “I’m sorry about…I don’t know. I’m not very submissive.” He replied, “It’s okay. You only lost your mind twice.”

I love this expression! I actually think the same way when someone is apologizing to me for being “crazy.” Or I think this way when a client says, “I’m mentally ill.” I think, No, you’re mostly fine. You just freaked out for a minute there. Or if I know the client well and we have a strong therapy relationship, I’ll say, “Yeah, you’re a little crazy, but only sometimes. So am I!”

I mention all this because so many people think that “crazy”—which is a slippery, hard-to-define word—is a permanent state. Usually all it means is that you are temporarily having a hard time. Even if you’ve been diagnosed with a serious and chronic “mental illness,” such as bipolar disorder, you can enjoy a life fairly free of “crazy” experiences. (I’ve worked with clients who have a bipolar diagnosis, and let me tell you, they are sometimes a lot more calm and stable than some therapists I know!)

So, if you just lost it with your partner, or discovered that you’re freaking out at work, or feel like you’re going “crazy,” remember this kind Indian man’s reassurance of his guest: “It’s okay. You only lost your mind twice.”

And if you’re interested in Mary Roach’s books, click below.

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Your problem might be as simple as this: find out what your “monster” is, and face it. To explain what I mean, I’ll introduce you to Stella*, our older dog. Stella is not usually a fearful dog. She’s never been traumatized, and the care she receives from her humans is—well, let’s just say her humans are your typical eccentric dog maniacs! But Stella is afraid of bicycles. One day, as we were walking near a park, a young girl came toward us on her bike, saw Stella, shrieked, and braked to a stop inches from Stella’s front paws. Imagine this from Stella’s perspective: she’s a 24-pound Shiba Inu, so the girl on her bike looked to Stella the way a braking semi would look to us.

Ever since then, Stella has been terrified of bicycles, and a little nervous around children. Since we have neither children nor bicycles in our home, it hasn’t been enough of a problem to warrant extensive training. (And I want to stop here for a brief commercial break and endorse this dog trainer: Ahimsa Dog Training. They’re the best. Don’t go anywhere else!) *ahem* So, back to my blog! Bikes and kids (but mostly bikes) are what our trainer calls “monsters” for Stella. Big scary beasts that frighten her.

I mention all this because the “monster” metaphor is useful when we’re talking about human relationships. I recently asked a client, “What’s the ‘monster’ you’re avoiding?” The monster could be almost anything, and here are a few examples:

—If I am honest about what I want in the relationship, she might dump me, and I don’t think I can handle that.

—If I assert myself about something important, it’ll start a shouting match.

—If I tell my partner something really true about myself, something I don’t think he’ll like, he will reject or judge me.

Think about what your “monster” might be. It’s the thing that’s holding you back, the thing that you fear will happen, the thing you think you can’t handle. It’s easier to face it if you have a better idea what it is.

I’m willing to bet that your monsters are seriously holding you back. They really need to be faced if you want to feel more fulfilled in your life and relationships. You can keep avoiding them, keep managing your behavior with your partner to avoid the thing that scares you, and in the short term you will keep the peace and avoid pain. But that’s not the full you. It’s not the life you really want to lead. Facing and overcoming your monsters can be really painful, really frightening. But on the other side of the pain and fear is a fuller, richer life!

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*True dog lover’s confession: I’ve been trying for months to figure out a way to talk about my dogs in this blog, and am happy I found one! Look for our younger dog, Hoshi, in a future post.

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Someone who follows my blog emailed me to ask why I haven’t posted in a while. I’m taking a few days off in L.A. (and trying hard not to look like a tourist—with mixed results!). I’ll be back in the office on Tuesday the 19th and will have more posts soon. If you want to contact me to set up a visit for next week, just call or email me and I’ll get back to you soon. Have a great weekend!

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Want to get the excitement back in your relationship? Try holding hands in public.

It might be hard to imagine how holding hands with your partner can be electrifying, magical. Big deal, you might say. We do it all the time. OK, well… how about kissing each other in an empty elevator and deliberately waiting for the doors to start opening before stopping?

By now you might be rolling your eyes. These are junior high kinds of things. What’s the big deal? These little gestures are usually just that—little. But if you combine them with a new effort to get closer to your partner emotionally, to be more authentic with your partner, to be more fully present in the relationship, you might find yourself going back in time and doing all the romantic stuff over again, but this time in a way that is thrilling, and scary.

Here’s how it works. After a while, many people in committed relationships complain that the relationship has gone stale. They feel stilted, even bored. Sex is fine, oh, we suppose it’s fine, but it’s not like it was in the beginning. Even couples who still enjoy a lot of excitement together—sexual and otherwise—sometimes have an itch to grow or change in their relationship. The solution to this is not what most people think. It’s not about improving your sexual “technique,” or getting back in physical shape, or trying in one way or another to be a better “performer.” (Though I admit those activities might not necessarily hurt!) It’s about approaching your partner in a whole new way.

Here’s the new approach: you turn off the Censor inside you which keeps telling you to squelch yourself—the Censor tells you, “Don’t ask her to change the sexual routine. She’ll get insecure and offended, and besides, you probably don’t really need to change it anyway.” Or the Censor says, “Your fantasies are weird, and he’ll think so too.” Or it says, “You don’t really need to get closer to her emotionally. You’re together, life is pretty good. What more could you want?” After you turn the Censor off, go to your partner with your deepest desires. You may find yourself saying things like, “I’d like us to open our eyes during sex so that I can get closer to you. I want to see you seeing me.” You’re inviting your partner to go with you into a scary—but thrilling and transforming—territory. We’re closer now, and the other person is really intense, so we’re both afraid of being annihilated!!

Expect your partner to resist. Most people react to this (to quote a friend of mine) “like a forest animal.” They run for cover. If you asked for open-eyes sex, your partner might only take quick peeks at you when you’re doing it. Be kind, be sweet. If your eyes meet, keep looking, and smile! Take it easy, but hang in there. And this is why hand-holding can be so intense. If you’re really getting closer emotionally, if you’re really being more authentic, more fully yourself, in close proximity to your partner, you won’t need sexual acrobatics to get excited. Just doing a small, new behavior (like stealing a kiss in public) is thrilling because you’re doing it with your beloved. You’re doing it with a living, dynamic, intense human being who is really close to you.

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I’m on a “definition of terms” kick, I guess! I recently worked with a client who was trying to help someone deal with a difficult situation and needed to sort out the differences between empathy, sympathy, and compassion. I’ll define them here, and tell you why it’s helpful to notice their differences.

First, empathy. Empathy is just this: noticing and understanding someone else’s experience, or situation, or perspective. Empathy does not mean you agree, or share the feeling, or see it their way. It only means you get it, you get how they see their problem. If someone you know is going through a hard time, you might be relieved to hear that all they really need from you is empathy. They don’t need you to feel their pain, and they certainly don’t need you to solve their problem (even if they ask you to!). It really helps for you to say, “I can see how hard this is for you. I can see why it’s so upsetting.” It also helps to simply repeat back to them what they said. “You’re mad at him because he betrayed you. I totally understand!” That’s an empathy statement.

Next: sympathy. Sympathy is not just understanding another person’s perspective. It is also feeling the same way the other person feels about their problem. This is why I don’t like “sympathy” greeting cards. If my friend’s mother just died, I don’t feel sympathy. I might empathize with them—my mother died 11 years ago, so I absolutely understand what they’re going through—but I am not going through it myself. I am not grieving like they are. If I open a greeting-card shop someday (which isn’t such a far-fetched possibility, by the way!), I will have a section called “Empathy Cards,” not “Sympathy Cards.” The good news for you—if you know someone who’s going through a hard time—is that they don’t really need your sympathy. They don’t need you to experience their loss the way they are experiencing it. They just need your empathy.

Finally, compassion. Compassion is empathy-plus-help, or sympathy-plus-help. Here’s what I mean: if I empathize or sympathize with someone, I haven’t really done anything yet, at least anything active or concrete. I might be offering them a helpful presence, just being there, just listening. But I haven’t really tried to assist them in their recovery or anything. Compassion adds this part to the transaction. Compassion means that not only do I empathize, not only do I sympathize, but I want to do or say something that will help them. I want to work with them on their problem. To take the above example: if my friend’s mother just died, if I am choosing to offer my friend compassion, I will invite my friend to go with me to a grief workshop, or I’ll ask my friend if she would like to visit her mother’s grave, and if I could tag along to support her, or help her with a ritual of some kind. The good news for you—if you know someone going through a hard time—is that they might not need very much compassion. Again, most of the time the best gift we can give others is simple empathy.

I say that this is “good news” just because sympathy and compassion are not the kinds of things you can just conjure up out of thin air. When someone you know is hurting, you might feel anxious, and helpless. You might love them, but feel lost about what you’re supposed to say, or what you’re supposed to do. Don’t worry! Just offer simple empathy: let them know that you understand what they’re going through. That’s enough. You can offer to help with something specific if you like… You could say, “I’m bringing lasagna over tomorrow, how does that sound?” And they can let you know if they want that. But don’t worry about easing their pain, or solving their problems.

Just let them know that you get it. You understand that they’re going through a hard time. You know what? They will probably be relieved that you aren’t anxiously trying to fix them!

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