It’s Friday, so let’s have some fun with astrology. I’m not an expert, and I know that a number of my clients have no time for it, but I like to think about it from time to time, and I actually think there’s something to it. Really!

But first, a disclaimer: I’m not sure our astrological signs are connected to the stars, sun, and planets themselves (for this reason). I think instead that they’re a product of something close to what has been called the collective unconscious. For example, because I was born in mid-August, I’m a Leo. But I think (and I hope I’m not mistaken) the sun was actually in Cancer when I was born. However, because so many of us set store by these signs, I have been raised as a Leo, and because I self-identify as a Leo, I may be unconsciously taking on many of the qualities of Leos. (We’re great, by the way!)

(And one of our less-attractive qualities is thinking we’re great!!)

But great as I might be (and the jury’s still out on that), I’m not as great as this guy, so I’m not going to say that what I’m talking about is his idea of collective unconscious. But I do think there’s something about how we’re socialized that shapes us under one of the twelve astrological signs. Which brings me to Aries, the sign currently holding sway. Today is my sister Mary’s birthday, so of course she is an Aries. And my friends Alissa and Andrew are Aries (an awesome alliteration!). And my brother-in-law Chris is an Aries. And my dad’s wife is an Aries. And let’s see… my friend’s sister… another friend’s year-old son… my goddaughter… my older dog Stella… and my (departed) friend Richard was an Aries. So I have a few of them in my life!

To pay tribute to them and honor their achievements, I’ll tell the story of my sister’s visit to Seattle. A few years back, Mary decided to come for a visit, and at that time she was single. She came to town, got settled in the house, and immediately began exploring the city. Well, the region is more like it! She’d call me from Bellevue, then from the zoo, then from other places where I’ve never been, even though I’ve lived in Seattle for years. When my car malfunctioned, she fixed it. She had a grand time, and I was amazed. I don’t know if I would be as self-reliant and independent as Mary if I were exploring an unfamiliar city. But that’s an Aries for you!

So Happy Birthday to all you rams out there, and happy Friday to everyone!

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Lots of people were interested in my recent post about the statement, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you,” so I thought I’d say more about it. Here’s another way to look at it: it’s a statement that means, “We’re stuck,” but it may also mean, “I don’t have much hope that we’ll get unstuck.”

You could use different words than “stuck” to get at the meaning of “I love you, but I’m not in love.” Stagnant. Stalled. Frustrated. Powerless. Listless. You get the idea. If you think you love your partner, but you’re not “in love” anymore, that’s a “stuck” statement. So here’s something to think about if you feel hopeless about it:

I blogged earlier today on the concept of the “comfort-safety” cycle and the “growth cycle.” The statement “I love you, but I’m not in love” could be a way of saying that you’re on the brink of a growth cycle. It might not mean it’s over. In fact, it might mean the opposite! Every relationship—every single one—will run into this problem from time to time. You’ve been going along, accommodating each other, keeping anxiety low, settling into routines, meeting each other’s expectations, and then you wake up one day and realize, “Oh no! I love him, but I’m not in love with him.”

If you feel this way, but you still want to see if you can salvage the relationship, then I invite you to see this as a sign that you’re on the brink of growth and change. The hard part is that you’re also on the brink of increased anxiety, confusion, possible conflict, resistance, and did I mention confusion?!

All this means that I’m now offering two possible explanations of the “love but not in love” statement: 1) as I discussed in my previous post, it might mean that you or your partner is shying away from speaking some deeper truth about the relationship, or about what you really, truly want in (or out of) the relationship. And 2) it could mean that you two have arrived at the brink of a “growth cycle,” and that as hard as the next stage of your relationship might be, there’s a real chance that you could make great progress together and find increased excitement, joy, and fulfillment in your lives together.

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So, here’s the good news: if you are trying to avoid scary changes or growth in your relationship, rest assured, that’s normal! It’s only natural to want to “keep the peace,” or do things the way you both have done them for a long, long time. You might be following a regular pattern of communication, or a dependable pattern of sexual behaviors and routines. That’s not a problem. Again, it’s perfectly natural.

But (and you knew I was about to say “But…”!) you will sometimes find yourself having serious problems with your relationship as it is. One (or both) of you is bored, or in your efforts to accommodate each other you’re finding that it’s harder and harder to do that, maybe because you’re starting to get really frustrated with each other, or really impatient about the relationship because everything feels so stagnant.

I’ve talked about David Schnarch before, and want to recommend another book of his to you (see below). Dr. Schnarch calls what I described above the “comfort-safety cycle,” the cycle in every normal relationship in which both partners are settling into routines and patterns that keep anxiety low, and also help each partner define their identity in the relationship in a way that helps them feel secure. (For example, someone might say, “Well, that’s always how we’ve been together. I’m the submissive one, and he’s the one who always initiates sex…”)

Schnarch calls the other cycle—the cycle in which anxiety goes way up and the couple goes through change, and sometimes real crisis—the “growth cycle.” Usually, when couples feel that things are going badly, or when they call therapists and say things like, “We need counseling or we might break up,” it’s a sign that they’re on the brink of a “growth cycle.” In the growth cycle, increased anxiety is normal, and a re-evaluation of roles and identity is normal. It’s so stressful, though! It can even be deeply frightening.

That’s why most people resist it. They’ll say, “You go to counseling. I’m fine with how things are. I’m not the problem.” Or they’ll blame the other person for specific problems, saying things like, “I’m tired of having to ask for sex all the time. I feel like you’re just pushing me away.” It can be a very confusing and upsetting time. So here’s some more good news (and I mean it!): as confused and upset as you might be when you’re on the brink of a growth cycle, that’s exactly what this is: growth. The fighting and silent treatments and hurt feelings and anger and anxiety—all of that!—is a sign that your relationship is about to undergo (and in fact is already undergoing) significant change.

Bottom line: both cycles are normal. Finding a comfortable pattern of comfort and safety, and enjoying the stable relationship that comes from routine and clear expectations (even if they’re unspoken), is normal. It helps us relax, reduce anxiety, and just feel at ease in our relationships. But it’s also normal for this to stop working after a while. That’s when all the “trouble” starts. But it’s also what makes real growth possible.

For more on this, you’re welcome to come in and talk to me (!), but you can also learn a lot more by reading Schnarch’s book, “Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems & Revolutionizing Your Relationship.” In fact, the best option is to do both—engage in couples counseling, and read more about relationships, sex, and your own personal growth as you tackle these very normal relationship cycles.

Here’s the link for Schnarch’s book:

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Have you noticed? Winter seems to be holding on. Each morning, the temperature can’t seem to make its way above 40 or 41 degrees. My relatives and friends in Minnesota would scoff at this, especially this year—their winter has been brutal. But even in temperate Seattle, it’s hard to feel great about the weather when you can still feel winter’s grip, no matter how much it has weakened.

I’m not one to suffer Seasonal Affect Disorder, or at least I can say that even if winter drives me a little crazy, it doesn’t render me severely depressed, sad, and despondent. But it can drag the best of us down. I’ve even talked to a few native Seattle residents who have said that March can sometimes be too much for them.

Here’s my solution: if you see the sun, drop everything and get out there. My office window faces east, so when I see clients in the late morning I find it a lot harder to concentrate with the sun streaming in. (I manage to do it, but still!) So between sessions I dash out and take in the growing light.

Another trick: pay close attention to the evening light. I noticed last night that there was still quite a bit of light in the sky at 7:45 p.m. Remember: in late December the light is gone around 4:30!

Finally, if you’re really having trouble believing that spring is on its way, take a few extra moments to look down and notice what’s happening to the landscape. Today I was driving to an appointment in the Rainier valley, and as usual I was running late. After the appointment ended I drove back the same way, but this time I noticed something astonishing: on every block, along every planting strip, hundreds of daffodils were shining in the spring sun. There they were, spreading out on both sides of the street, like a bright yellow wave of color opening up in front of me. How did I miss them when I was coming from the other direction? Was I really that late? Was my appointment really that important?

Just a few seconds is all it takes to stop and notice the breathtaking beauty of the early days of spring. Yes, it’s still chilly. But there are flowers everywhere, the moon is waxing, and the sun was shining for hours today. Did you notice? Will you promise yourself to take a look tomorrow?

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I’ve heard this a lot when I talk to clients: they say, “I love him, but I’m not ‘in love’ with him.” What does that mean?

Well, I don’t always know. It depends on the person who says it. If you’ve said it, what do you think it means? If you’ve said it yourself, or if someone has said it to you, I invite you to post a comment on this blog. I’d like to hear from you, because I think people say this a lot, and I think people make sense of it differently.

My take on the phrase is this: to “love” someone is to feel loving feelings for the person, or to feel affectionate or fond of the person. To be “in love” is something more, something more intense. A person might say, “I love my mother. But I’m in love with my lover, my partner.” So to say you just “love” your partner is, truth be told, bad news for your partner—it means your feelings for him/her have become static, or “platonic.”

But here’s my concern about all this: I’m concerned that when people say this—when they say, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you”—they’re not saying what’s really going on in the relationship. They’re not saying, “We’re stuck. We obviously have a lot of love for each other, and we’ve been through a lot, but we’re stuck.” Or they’re not saying, “I’m sorry, but I think it’s over, and I want to move on.” In other words, they’re not owning up to their true feelings, their true desires, and their true plan for themselves. In short, they’re copping out.

If you find yourself saying to your partner, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you,” I want to challenge you: I want to suggest that you really might be thinking and feeling something deeper, something more difficult, than you’re letting on. I suspect that you’re actually holding back the real truth about what’s really bugging you, what’s really concerning you. You might want to think about speaking the deeper truth to your partner, hard as it is, and painful as it is. And what is the deeper truth? I don’t know. You might not know, at least not right away. But the “love, not in-love” statement might be a sign that you’ve been unhappy for quite a while now. And—it might not all be your partner’s fault!

What’s the advantage in telling your partner the deeper, harder truth? The advantage is that whatever happens in the present moment—whether or not your current relationship survives this truth-telling moment, and no matter how awkward or uncomfortable you feel—you are getting better at speaking the real truth to another person. You are getting better at being an authentic, self-revealing person in your intimate relationships. It’s painful, but it’s worth it.

And if you’re on the receiving end—if it’s not you but your partner who says, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you…”, it could be an opportunity for you to speak your own truth about the relationship as you see it. Try not to be reactive or defensive if you hear this statement. Try instead to speak the truth about your own thoughts and feelings, and say clearly what you feel you need to say. And try to ask your partner, “What are you saying? What are you telling me?”

Bottom line: in my view, the “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you” statement is a sign that something more is going on. No matter which side of the conversation you find yourself, it’s worth it to go deeper, to ask for more—of yourself, and of your partner. Even if it ends in a break-up, it’s a moment that can help you grow, and learn.

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I’m happy to say that my sister Elizabeth reads my blog. She read my recent post about being fully present at work and in relationships, and had this to say:

“Hey, I really liked your blog about differentiation. Coincidentally, I’ve actually been working on this all week! I am constantly thinking of a hundred things, none of which include the task or thing I am doing at the present moment. For instance, I went to the store three times to buy garbage bags and forgot to buy them every single time. So, I am trying to live in the moment and concentrate only on the task at hand instead of the five tasks I am going to do after I finish the task at hand. I’ve only been ‘practicing’ for a week, but already notice a relaxation difference, and a difference especially with Natalie. I would be playing with her before and run off to start the dishwasher or change the laundry or check my email. She would get frustrated and start saying ‘Momma’ 1,000 times. I would get frustrated and be annoyed that she was so ‘needy.’ This week, I sat down and played with her and focused only on what she wanted to do. Read books? Sure! Play with a puzzle? Sure! Use me as a jungle gym? Absolutely! We had such a great time, and when I said, ‘Can we go downstairs and you watch Dora while I fold laundry?’ she said, ‘Yeah, momma!’ I got an entire load of laundry done and the afternoon was enjoyable and relaxed. Not one crying or sad moment all day! So thanks for the reinforcement on this!”

Well, it’s always my pleasure to help out my little sister! And I’m glad she put this into practice in such a great way. “Differentiation” is about being more fully present in your life. Turns out it makes life lots of fun, too.

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People often say that they need to take a certain amount of time off after a breakup. “I’m not ready for someone new,” they say. “He’ll just be a transitional man [or woman]. I need time to heal.” Usually your friends will agree with you if you take this tack. (Your best friends have probably been with you during your breakup, and could use a break themselves, right?!)

And I say, sure. Take a break. Take time to soothe yourself, grieve, express your anger, own up to your own part in the breakup, focus on work, take the dog for a long walk… You need this time.

But you may soon notice that those same friends who agreed with you that you need a break are now trying to set you up with “this great guy I work with,” or they’ll say, “She’s really great! You two would be perfect for each other.” Or—to turn the tables a bit—you may soon notice that it’s you yourself who’s noticing the guy at work, or wondering if you would be perfect for someone new, and your friends are still saying, “No way! It’s still too soon!”

How do you know if it’s too soon, if you’ve waited long enough, if you’re already missing out on your next relationship because you’re “on a break”?

This is where a little self-awareness—along with self-care—comes in. The reason there’s no hard-and-fast rule about getting into a new relationship is because it’s about you, not some outside influence or process. Here’s what I mean: when I had minor surgery last fall (I am now appendix-free), I was ordered to follow a strict six-week regimen of rest, and told that I would notice mild symptoms of pain for up to six months. But breakups aren’t like that. There is no bankable six-week rest period, and your emotional pain (I’m sorry to say) has a mind of its own. You may be happily partnered or married for ten years and feel a flash of pain or regret about something you thought was ancient history. Or you may recover really fast, and feel just fine in what seems like no time at all.

So—back to the “it’s about you” thing. Here’s how to know if you’re going too fast, or too slowly, into your next relationship. If you are going out with someone new, can you notice why that is, and be honest with yourself about it? Usually when we do it for the “wrong” reasons (such as, “It’s awful to be alone, I’m going crazy being alone, I’m desperate!!”), we can figure that out with just a little time of silence, breathing, and simple self-awareness. If it feels too fast, stop for a minute. Notice yourself. Notice your heart rate. Notice your thoughts: are they racing? Do you feel like you’re acting from your core self, from your best self?

This is hard because everyone knows that a new relationship always increases your heart rate, and in a good way! It’s tremendously rewarding (and just a lot of fun) to be attracted to someone and find that the attraction is going both ways. If you’ve been through a recent breakup, it’s more likely—but not a foregone conclusion—that you might be jumping into a new relationship rather than doing the hard work of self-growth. But check it out. Take that little break I mentioned. Notice what’s going on inside yourself. Notice your feelings. Even if it feels like you haven’t been single “long enough,” you might actually be ready to get close to someone new.

And even if it turns out to be another disaster, know this: you’ll survive it. And you’ll learn from it. No matter what choices we make, we can learn and grow from the choice. So don’t force yourself to follow a mandatory “post-op” rest period. Feel free to approach this time in your life with more flexibility, and more self-awareness.

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Yes, I do work with straight couples! I was so concerned about welcoming LGBT couples that I’ve gotten feedback from straight couples that my website doesn’t make this clear. Please know that if you’re a straight couple seeking couples counseling in Seattle, I would be delighted to work with you. I was trained ten years ago in couple and family therapy, and from the beginning I’ve been working with couples, individuals, and families across the continuum of sexual orientation. I’ve noticed that straight couples and LGBT couples have many differences, yet they are all very similar in fundamental ways: we all want intimacy, growth, happiness, and fulfillment in our relationships. So if you’re a straight couple and need help with relationship problems, let’s talk!

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I recently posted about the concept of “differentiation,” which is being fully present in a relationship, or an unpleasant work situation, or really anywhere in your life, without losing yourself in anxiety, or daydreaming, or other kinds of resistance. I didn’t mention one easy (and very common) way people lose themselves: substance use.

The “disease model” of alcoholism and drug addiction has helped many people get clean and sober, and stay clean and sober, by giving them a way to name their problem: I have a disease, they say to themselves and to others, and it’s called alcoholism, or drug addiction. But another way to look at substance use—another way that can be helpful for a lot of people—is to see it simply as an escape mechanism, a way to check out of your own life. Some people want to overcome substance abuse not by seeing it as a disease and quitting altogether, but by seeing it as a coping strategy, an escape hatch.

Right now I’m reading and beginning to use a book on creativity by writer Julia Cameron. In the book, Cameron talks about how she used alcohol in this way. She would work all day and try to cram as much creativity into her day as she could, because her routine each night was to escape in what she called a “cloud” of alcohol.

If you think this is true about yourself—that you use substances to escape your life, and need help building a new lifestyle that keeps you out of that “cloud,” I can help you do it. We can talk about your “poison”—which could be food, or “workaholicism,” or porn…it doesn’t have to be alcohol or drugs!—and how you can be more fully alive, more focused, and more free.

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