Welcome to my new blog category: Unhealthy Pop Song Lyrics. I’ve heard a lot of bad music in my time, but I’ve heard lyrics that are even worse! In this series I’ll talk about how pop songs often teach us how to have unhealthy, unhappy relationships. Or they tease us with the idea that love is easy. And, because I don’t want to simply tear something apart and leave it at that, I’ll have alternative ideas (if not alternative lyrics!) that help you feel more confident that you can develop relationships that are healthy and passionate and exciting!

(Quick warning: I’m having a lot of fun with this, so if I sound snarky, please know I’m actually smiling and thoroughly enjoying myself!)

My first pop song is not really a pop song, I guess. It’s a TV-show theme song: “The Love Boat.” Here are the lyrics, and I’ve bolded the ones I find particularly silly or unhealthy:

Love, exciting and new.
Come aboard. We’re expecting you!
Love, life’s sweetest reward.
Let it flow; it floats back to you.
The Love Boat soon will be making another run.
The Love Boat promises something for everyone.
Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.
Love won’t hurt anymore.
It’s an open smile on a friendly shore.
It’s love! Welcome aboard, it’s love!

OK. So let’s start with love being “life’s sweetest reward.” Really? Really?! Because I’m a couples therapist, and in my work (as well as my personal life) I’ve seen that life’s sweetest reward is the satisfaction that comes when people do the heroic, hard work of growth and change. Love is sweet, don’t get me wrong. And true love–the kind of love that people write good poetry about–is sweetest of all. But it takes a lot of work. These lyrics make it sound like all you have to do is pop on a boat, shake hands with the cruise director, and find the lover of your dreams, preferably before the second commercial break.

“Let it flow.” Um, what? Let what flow? Love? Once again, see my comments above re: love as work. I’m all for letting it flow, if by letting it flow you mean relaxing and soothing yourself so that you can stay close to someone and do the hard work of intimacy, the scary (and exhilarating) labor of love. When we’re doing that kind of love/work, it’s good to “let it flow,” meaning, breathe deeply, hang in there, relax, stay with it… But again, this song is messing with us. “Let it flow” in this song means, don’t worry about doing the work of love. Just let it happen. It’ll float back to you. (Um, sorry, but no…)

“[Love]…promises something for everyone.” This is a great example of a child’s view of relationships and love. “Promises something for everyone” sounds like, “If I’m real, real good, Santa will leave me a lover under the Christmas tree! And s/he’ll be my lover forever!” Sorry, but it only works that way on 1970′s television romantic comedies.

“Love won’t hurt anymore.” Well, OK, I guess I agree with that, as long as “Love won’t hurt anymore” means the same thing as “Love is a painful process of excruciating self-confrontation, character-building intimacy, and lifelong adventures that promise dizzying heights of joy–yes, joy–but not without a lot of effort. Like all things that are truly good and truly worthwhile, love hurts.

So, as promised, here are some alternatives. What they lack in poetic flow they make up for in emotional health. Enjoy!

Unhealthy: Love is life’s sweetest reward.
Healthy: The hard work of love leads us further and further into deeply rewarding relationships.

Unhealthy: Let love flow, and it will float back to you.
Healthy: Let yourself flow as you stay close to another person. Let yourself relax, even though you’re feeling scared, challenged, and excited. Stay close, stay in the fray. If you do, your better self–your best self–will lead you into an intense and wonderful connection with your partner.

Unhealthy: Love promises something for everyone.
Healthy: There are no guarantees, no promises. But anything you do that challenges yourself, or brings out the best in yourself, will help you grow, stengthen your relationships, and deepen your attractiveness in the eyes of others.

Unhealthy: Love won’t hurt anymore.
Healthy: Love hurts something awful! But you know it’s worth it! You know it! So jump in!

Next unhealthy pop song: “The Wind Beneath My Wings.” (Bette, get some therapy!)

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I wanted to say one more thing about the “drama triangle.” Sometimes, when people are setting healthy boundaries in their relationships, or when they’re being told to do that, they assume it means they need to be cold or aloof. And often enough they’re accused of being cold and aloof. But that’s not the case, or at least it doesn’t have to be. Even though you may seem to be more distant, and even though you’re practicing new behaviors in which you and the other person are not taking care of each other in the old, overinvolved way, you may still be deeply in love with the other person, or have other strong feelings of care and concern.

It’s not about becoming an android. It’s not about forcing yourself not to care. You still care, and you may have many deep feelings for those around you who are still caught up in the drama triangle. I like to think of it this way: my actions look more balanced and stable, but my heart is still burning with love. I’m tending to my boundaries, and even though people might accuse me of being aloof, I know that healthy boundaries are the best way to truly show love and care to another person.

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You’ve seen it before: someone you know is being a “drama queen.” You might be told that you yourself are being melodramatic, and often enough the feedback isn’t very polite: “Save the drama for your mama!” So here’s a quick introduction to the “drama triangle,” a concept from Transactional Analysis.

Here’s how it works: if you are being a so-called “drama queen,” you are playing one of three roles. You’re either the victim, the persecutor, or the rescuer. The thing is, if you are playing one of these roles, soon enough you’ll end up playing one of the other two. A victim might over-identify with his victim status and end up persecuting those who are trying to help him. You’ve seen this before. Someone has been hurt or wronged, and instead of healing and moving forward with life, she acts out in her relationships and can’t seem to stop hurting others with her unresolved anger.

If you find yourself in the role of rescuer, you’re not off the hook. In the drama triangle, rescuers aren’t the wonderful, altruistic saviors they might appear to be. They have mixed motives. Their rescuing behaviors are to some extent self-serving. In their effort to help the victim, they could start playing the persecutor role by overprotecting and hovering over the victim, or attacking the original persecutor in acts of revenge. Overprotecting a victim prevents the victim from recovering from the injury and letting go of the victim role, so if you’re the rescuer, you’re now harming the victim by getting in the way of his recovery. And teaming up with the victim to get revenge on the persecutor…well, it’s easy to see how you yourself can become the person you say you hate.

The drama triangle helps us see how one person’s dramatic behavior is actually part of a larger system. Sometimes I say it this way: “everybody is bringing the crazy!” Even if only one person has serious emotional or behavioral problems, family and friends around that person can get caught up in the crisis. It’s helpful to see it this way because it gives us a bird’s-eye view of what’s going on, and that means we can come up with more possible solutions. Let’s say you see yourself as the only sane person in your family. (And who knows? Maybe you are!) Well, if that’s true, then begin noticing how you get caught in the triangle, and experiment with your own behaviors. If you’re the rescuer, for example, you can practice stepping back from the victim and allowing him to cope with his problems as an adult. You can still be loving and nurturing with the victim, but start setting up some healthy boundaries. Even if you’re not thanked for it (and you won’t be–people in the drama triangle don’t like it when you stop playing along), you are blazing a trail away from the triangle, and others might choose to follow you.

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I often work with people who are facing really hard decisions. There’s the common “Should I stay or should I go?” decision — do I want to stay in this relationship? Or the workplace version: “Should I stay in this job?” Sometimes people have agonizing choices to make, choices that pit one important part of their life up against another. For example: “Should I stay where I am now and be closer to family, or follow my dream to a distant city?”

In grad school, one of my professors counseled me to tell clients to flip a coin. Seriously! The idea was that when the coin landed, how you reacted to the result would tell you a lot about what you really want. You called heads and it landed tails … so, how do you feel? Often times, people realize (silly as this sounds) that they really wanted the coin to land the other way. It’s not such a bad idea.

But here’s another way to approach life’s hardest decisions. Ask yourself this question: What does your best self want to do? It’s not hard to hear the siren song of your lesser self (or lesser selves). If I stay close to family, your lesser self might tell you, I won’t rock the boat. Families like that! I’ll be rewarded! (Though I might feel a little miserable…) Or if I chase a dream — maybe not a real dream, or a true-desire dream…maybe an escapist dream — I won’t have to face the hard realities of my current relationships and problems. (Fun! Yet … what do I do when the fun wears off?) Or your lesser self might tell you, if I stay in this troubled — and maybe abusive — relationship, at least I’ll have the security of everything in my life staying stable. Or your lesser self might say, don’t worry about working on this relationship. Look! There’s someone new!

Your task is to learn how to listen to your best self, the part of you that is usually found in moments of quiet and serious reflection, or sober and bracing self-confrontation. The hard truth is that your best self doesn’t always have “good news” for you, if by “good news” you mean a comfortable or pleasant path out of your dilemma.

When you’re facing a tough decision, take time to tune in to your self. Take time to ask the question, “What does my best self want to do?

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A little while ago I figured out how to write a post about our older dog, Stella. And I promised that I would write about Hoshi, our younger dog, who turns two in June. (His sign? Gemini, of course!) Hoshi is a classic younger sibling: crazy, cute, wild, and wonderful. Make no mistake: Stella is the beloved girl in my home. But Hoshi has found his own place in the family. Like Stella, Hoshi is definitely a Shiba Inu, but unlike many dogs of that breed, he’s more than a little silly, and mostly just a crazy guy.

And, Hoshi has been given death sentence. (!!) A couple weeks after we brought him home, our vet told us that he has a serious heart murmur, and with a very serious look on her face, she recommended that Hoshi be examined by a canine cardiologist. The ultrasound confirmed her fears: Hoshi has valvular and sub-valvular aortic stenosis. In English, he has a valve in his heart that is too narrow, too constricted, and the space below it is also too tight. He’s not supposed to live beyond the age of four.

Poor guy!!

When I heard this, I did what any sensible human being would do. I left my office (I got the call at work), locked myself in the bathroom, and wept like a baby. He’s our guy! It took all of, oh, five seconds or so for Hoshi to bond with the whole household, Stella included, so when we got this news, it was devastating.

And this is the moment when I found out how valuable it is to have a good veterinarian. (Here’s the link, if you live in Seattle and are shopping for one!) Dr. Weihl was great. She talked about surgery, but didn’t push it (it’s highly risky, might not work, and would severely traumatize Hoshi.) So, surgery was not a good option. How about keeping Hoshi really calm all the time? Would that help? Dr. Weihl said, “Here’s what I think. It’s party time. Hoshi doesn’t have any idea he’s got this problem. As far as he’s concerned, there is no problem!” She said we should just enjoy him for as long as we have him, and not worry about it. Besides, Hoshi is a major spaz, so it’s not as if it would be easy to keep him calm with the goal of minimizing stress on his heart. And if we somehow managed to do that, he wouldn’t be living a dog’s life. He wouldn’t be Hoshi. So we took her advice.

And here’s why Hoshi is worthy of a blog post: this little guy, heart problem and all, has really brought home a good lesson. So often in life, human beings want things to be perfect. They want things to make sense. Cute little dogs shouldn’t have heart problems. Happy families shouldn’t be challenged by terrible “death sentences.” But here’s the thing: it’s not a death sentence! Remember: Hoshi’s a dog. And dogs are experts at living in the moment. Right here, right now—Now is the Moment in the life of a dog. It’s something dogs are great at teaching us linear-thinking humans. Dogs fully experience the Now. They fully enjoy everything that they’re receiving, right now, right this second. Tomorrow? It doesn’t exist. Or if it does, well, it will take care of itself.

Stella, despite her substantial ego, is also a dog. And that means she too lives in the moment, and exemplifies that lifestyle. But Hoshi, our little guy, he is even more poignantly a present-day, present-moment creature. Yes, he has a heart defect. And that means he could be gone tomorrow. But it also means he’s even better at teaching humans the life lesson dogs know so well.

(And be sure you have treats on hand for your dog. Like Hoshi, I’m sure your dog is hungry. Or at least he wants me to think that!)

Hoshi (left) and Stella.

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This is a variation on the “love but not in love” problem. And let me say something right off the top: this is really hard. It can be a very sad situation. If one of you is thinking this, or saying this to the other, I just want to acknowledge the deep pain and sadness you both might be feeling right now.

When you feel this way, it’s easy to think the situation is hopeless. It’s never been great, so why try to fix it? We’ve never had a great relationship, so what good would it do to talk about it, let alone see a counselor about it?

Here are some steps you can follow if you find yourself thinking, “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you.”

1) Go there. Notice what’s going on for you, no matter how sad, frustrating, or painful. Maybe you are angry with yourself because you think you’ve been living a lie all this time, and it’s not fair to your partner. It’s also not fair to yourself—it’s not your best self. (More on that idea later.) Don’t have a “pity party,” but take space and time to tune into yourself.

2) Think about this idea: that indeed you haven’t ever loved him/her, but that’s not necessarily “bad” or “wrong,” and neither is it a hopeless situation. Think of it this way: if you’re now becoming aware that you’ve never loved your partner, you may be getting to a point in your life where you are actually ready—perhaps for the first time—to pursue a scary yet exhilarating relationship with someone else. Human beings reach physical sexual maturity in their teens, but our sexual development as thinking and feeling persons takes our whole lives. Perhaps you’ve never loved, period! At least you haven’t loved in the way you’re now sure you want to: with passion, sexual and otherwise. With closeness, scary and exhilarating as it can be. With energy and fire, with crisis and joy. Is it possible that you can have this with your current partner? I don’t know, but you might want to keep an open mind about it.

3) Now, about your next move. Let’s go back to what I said above about your “best self.” If you don’t think you’ve ever loved your partner, you might be right, but it might not be the end. As you move forward, try to move forward with the best of you. This means, your best characteristics, your best gifts, your best and strongest self. This involves a few steps: a) take care of your physical self. Follow a pattern of rest, exercise, eating, and drinking that helps you feel your best. b) Own up to your own “stuff,” and practice accountability. You don’t think you’ve ever loved your partner? Okay. So hold yourself accountable for that, in a positive way. “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you” can be just the first thing you say. The next thing you say could be, “I’d like to work on it. It’s not all about you, or even us. I’m willing to take the risk of counseling, or trying out new behaviors, or making changes to our routine, or …”

4) It’s also a positive move to end the relationship while holding yourself accountable for your own thoughts and feelings. If “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you” leads your best self to say goodbye to your partner, do it gracefully, respectfully. Don’t “shoot ‘em an email.” Stand up and do it right, because you don’t just want to be happy in a relationship (or happy outside of one), you want to be your best self when you’re relating to others. And you can’t have relationship happiness of any kind without doing that, or doing it at least some of the time. (We all have our moments!)

No honest therapist can promise you’ll get through something like this with your relationship intact. But I can say this: the thought, “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you…” can often be a sign that your own growth and development—and possibly the growth and development of your relationship—is about to take a leap. A painful leap? Usually. But it’s what we humans are all about. It’s why it takes us a lifetime to become our truest and best selves.

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Lots of people are interested in this topic! People want to know, what do I do if I love my partner, but am not in love? Or if my partner just told me that, what should I do?

In previous posts I talked about how this thought might be masking a deeper concern you have about your relationship, or your partner. It might be a way to avoid a harder conversation. Or it might be a sign that your relationship is on the brink of change, that one or both of you feels stuck, or bored, and (if you choose to do this) you’re about to enter what marriage therapist David Schnarch calls a “growth cycle.”

But you might still be asking, what do I do??! Tell me what I should do!

OK. Here’s what you should do! First, take a deep breath. Remember that the best thing to do first—in almost any relationship crisis—is to calm yourself down. Then, think about following these basic guidelines:

I’m the one who feels I love him/her, but I’m not in love. If this is your position, you might be feeling this way because the passion is gone. Maybe you don’t feel aroused anymore, or you’ve lost your sexual desire with your partner. (And maybe you haven’t lost it in other contexts, and that scares you!) This might be because you have slowly stopped bringing your full self into your relationship with your partner. What’s your full self? Lots of things: your deepest feelings—and some of them aren’t pleasant and pretty! But holding them back can squelch passion. Maybe you’re holding back sexual fantasies you have, or sexual activities you’d like to try, because you’re scared your partner will think they’re weird, or think you’re weird! Or maybe there’s something wrong in your life right now—physically, or in your workplace, or with family and friends—and you’re pulling back from your partner out of a misplaced sense of caution and fear. Sometimes, when you notice this anxiety but get closer to your partner in spite of it, it can lead to a passionate connection. And I don’t mean (necessarily) sexual passion—that can come a little later! It could happen like this: you take your partner’s hand, make eye contact, and disclose something that’s going on with you, something you were holding back. The purpose is not to solve a problem, or get your partner to help you. The purpose is simply to connect.

If it’s (let’s say) a sexual fantasy that you’re scared to reveal, this connection might take you places—some of them scary! Your partner might resist, or feel pressured and uncomfortable. That’s okay. It’s normal. (And it might help for you to say that to your partner.) You might want to follow your disclosure with a request that your partner can respond to in some way. “I’m telling you about this,” you could say, “because I want to be closer to you, to connect to you, and find more passion together with you…and because I’d like to try some new things…” The idea here is that the loss of passion is not your partner’s “fault,” or yours for that matter. It’s that the relationship has gotten a little routine, a little boring. And the relationship has evolved to a point where you (and probably your partner) are holding yourselves back, mostly out of fear or doubt.

My partner gave me the line, “I love you, but I’m not in love.” If this is your position, I once again recommend that you do some self-soothing, some calming down, all on your own. You’ll be in a better position to respond to your partner if you’re getting better at taking care of yourself, holding yourself together. As you’re doing that, it’s a good idea to remember a couple of things:

1) Every relationship—every single one—goes through periods of routine/stasis/boredom. It’s normal. It happens because every human being on earth—every single one—likes things to be comfortable and predictable at least some of the time.

2) Your partner’s comment is a sign that something is about to change in the relationship. It’s not necessarily a sign that the relationship is over. (No promises: it might be. I’m just saying there might be other things going on.) The other things? It could be that your partner simply wants to grow and change with you. S/he is feeling a little bored, or stuck. What comes next might be challenging and scary—look at the scenario above and imagine it’s you who’s hearing your partner’s sexual fantasy!—but it’s good news for the relationship. Or it could be that your partner is having a hard time sorting something out, and that not all of it is about you. Ask your partner. Keep calming yourself down and try to connect.

3) You might consider your own take on the relationship at this point. It’s probably a safe bet that if your partner is giving you the “love but not in love” line, you yourself are not too thrilled about how things are going. Think about what you really, really want from your primary relationship—even if you’re scared your partner won’t want to share it with you—and challenge yourself to speak more openly about where your heart is right now. Try not to be defensive. Try to see this as an opportunity to take the relationship somewhere new. Try to remember that it’s not about you—or at least it’s not about you alone. It’s about the shared reality of your relationship.

4) Did I mention it’s a good idea to calm yourself down?! Well, it’s worth saying again!

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I’ve worked with adolescents since I first became a therapist ten years ago, and I’ve noticed something they have in common with adults in their 20′s, 30′s, and on up the age range: it’s hard for them to know how to talk to their parents, and it’s hard for their parents to know how to interact with them.

One big hole in the English language—something that English lacks—is a word for “adult children.” A three-year-old is a child. (A 12-year-old can even pass for a child, I suppose, but don’t tell her that!) But everyone else—from ages 13 to 83 (with apologies to all you 84-year-olds out there with living parents!)—everyone else is an adolescent or an adult, but also a “child,” and it’s hard to know what kind of relationship they “should” have with their parents.

Here’s what it can look like: your son is (let’s say) 17 years old. He won’t listen to you, but he seems (maddeningly) to want something from you. He might be raging against your house rules, even breaking your things in what you called “tantrums” a few years ago. He’s pretty much a man by now, so for both emotional and physical reasons, you don’t have much control over him. If he goes into a rage, there’s really not that much you can do. The solution? Just try to relate to him. Adult children (or adolescent children) don’t need you to lead them or parent them as much as they simply need you to relate to them, or connect to them.

This angry 17-year-old…how do you relate? Here are some ideas. 1) Tell him what you see, or tell him what you understand. “I know you’re upset. I would be too.” And just leave it at that. Don’t pressure him with demands, and try not to state (for the thousandth time) the house rules. He knows the rules. Just say out loud what you see going on in front of you. Sometimes this is enough! 2) Tell him you’re available. For example, you could say, “I know you’re mad, and I understand why. I can’t stop you from destroying furniture, or storming out, or staying out all night, or…(whatever it is that he’s doing, or about to do). But I want to tell you something: I am here to listen, I will always be interested in talking to you, I will always be available if you want to tell me more about what’s going on with you.” “F-you,” he might say. “Right,” you say. “F-me. But I’m still here. I am available to listen whenever you want to talk.”

How does that translate for “children” who are even older—children in, say, their forties and fifties? For them, it’s generally a quieter version of the above. If you’re the parent of a “child” who is herself in middle age, the best thing you can do is to 1) listen; and 2) be available. Maintain the connection. Relate to your son or daughter. Don’t bother trying to change them, or trying to protect them from the decisions they’re making. You probably already know that’s futile! Just make a connection. Just relate.

One final note about parents and “children”: the higher they both go in age, the more the roles slowly begin to switch—the “child” becomes parental as the “parent” becomes elderly. If this has already happened to you, and you are trying to cope with your elderly parent, the “listen/connect” rule might really be helpful. Try it out. It’s a lot easier than actually getting your parents to do what you want! (And if you’re building the connection, who knows? Maybe that will happen too. After all, that’s how it works with adolescents!)

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I’m very happy to announce that you can once again schedule appointments with me online! Just go here and find the day and time that works for you, and if it’s available, click it and get started! I’m in the process of establishing an encrypted connection which will provide further privacy protection.

The new scheduler has many features that were not on the old one: it’s a lot easier to use, and when you make an appointment, you’ll get a confirmation email, and you’ll get a reminder email 1-2 days in advance of your appointment. I will still contact you whenever you schedule an appointment with me to assure you that I know about it and plan to see you on that day and time.

As usual, if this isn’t your thing, just call me at 206-214-7650 or email me at stephen@stephencrippen.com.

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