First: my usual disclaimer: This is a post in the Unhealthy Pop Song Lyrics series. It’s just for fun, intended for your entertainment! So I hope you enjoy it.

I thought I should take on a song that has unhealthy lyrics but is also a song I enjoy. So without further ado, here’s “Wishin’ and Hopin’,” sung by Ani DiFranco. (And how great is it that it’s sung by Ani DiFranco?!) Below the lyrics you’ll find my critique.

Wishin’, and hopin’, and thinkin’, and prayin’,
plannin’ and dreamin’ each night of his charms.
That won’t get you into his arms.

So if you’re looking to find love you can share,
all you gotta do is hold him, and kiss him, and love him,
and show him that you care.

Show him that you care–just for him.
Do the things that he likes to do.
Wear your hair just for him,
cause you won’t get him thinkin’, and prayin’,
wishin’, and hopin’–

just wishin’, and hopin’, and thinkin’, and prayin’,
plannin’, and dreamin’ his kisses will start–
that won’t get you into his heart!

So if you’re thinking how great true love is,
all you gotta do is hold him, and kiss him,
and squeeze him, and love him…
Just do it! And after you do,
you will be his!

[repeat]

OK. So here’s where I’m supposed to critique this great work of art–whoops I mean this insulting sexist jingle. Except it’s hilarious! It’s the perfect unhealthy pop song because it’s aware of how screwed up it is, and just wallows in it! So as much as this might disappoint you, I’m not going to tear it apart, and I certainly am not going to rewrite the lyrics. They’re perfect just as they are. If you really want to have a healthy relationship, do NOT take this song’s advice. But you knew that already, right? So just enjoy it, and give credit where it’s due to the genius who is Ms. Ani DiFranco.

And Happy Friday!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Anyone who’s been in a romantic or committed relationship (those aren’t mutually exclusive adjectives! It’s just that some people say “romantic,” and some say “committed”)–anyone who’s been in a relationship of this kind can tell you that when they have relationship problems, it’s all too easy to see how the other person’s issues are causing the problem. “He’s so needy!” they’ll say. “I love him, but why does he seem to need me so much?!” Or, “He’s got commitment issues. His parents had a terrible marriage, and he’s afraid he’ll have the same problems.” Or, “God! Why do we have to do everything together? Can’t she find friends of her own sometimes?!”

When I hear these things in my work–or in my personal life (I’m only human after all!)–I sometimes think of Byron Katie, an author of several books on personal growth and development. I’m not an expert with her method, but I’m familiar with it and know that it’s a way for you–not your partner, not your family members, but you–to end your own suffering. She encourages people to express what frustrates them about other people, and then to “turn it around,” to turn it back on themselves. It’s not them, she’s saying. It’s you! I’m not going to show you her work–her own website is best for that–but here’s my own take on some of the situations I mentioned above:

You’re saying: “He’s so needy! I love him, but why does he seem to need me so much?”
Look at it differently: How are you the one who’s needy? If he’s needy to the point of driving you crazy, why haven’t you confronted him yet? Are you afraid he’ll fall to pieces? And if he does (because he might!), are you afraid you won’t be able to handle that yourself? Do you need him to need you? Or is it something else…do you (when it comes right down to it) feel more comfortable with things as they are, rather than telling your partner what you truly want and need for yourself? It probably won’t be pretty, but is your partner’s “neediness” really a sign for you that there’s something you haven’t done, something you haven’t said, for your own sake? Look at it this way: how is your partner’s “neediness” really just a tap on your own shoulder, reminding you that there’s something you need to work out for yourself, or do for yourself?

You’re saying: “He’s got commitment issues. His parents had a terrible marriage, and he’s afraid he’ll have the same problems.”
Look at it differently: OK, maybe you’re right. Maybe he told you exactly that! He’s a commitment-shy guy. But what does that mean for you? Do you have commitment issues? Is it possible that you’re waiting around for him to make a commitment because you yourself have some doubts, or feel a little ambivalent yourself? It’s not bad or wrong if you feel that way, but you might want to get in touch with that. What are you waiting for? It’s nice of you to give him time to come to you, time to work out his stuff and decide whether he wants to keep investing in a relationship with you. But there are no hard and fast rules about how long you must wait. “But no!” you might say. “If I don’t wait, if I break it off because he is so afraid of commitment, what if he hooks up with someone else ten minutes later?! I will have made a big mistake!” But is that really true? What are some other ways to look at it? Instead of worrying about rules and expectations, or what’s right and what’s wrong, ask yourself what you really want.

You’re saying: God! Why do we have to do everything together? Can’t she find friends of her own sometimes?!”
Look at it differently: How are you contributing to this problem? Are you afraid to tell her what you really think about your social life together? Are you afraid to tell her, “I love you, but I’d like to have some time alone, and also some time each week for just me and my friends.” Are you afraid that that sounds mean, or that she’ll freak out when you say it? Again, she might! You might be starting a fight if you do it. But even if that’s the case, are you afraid you can’t handle her reaction? If you are, then that’s something about you that you can think about. It’s something you can work on. It might be the next step in your own personal development. Think about using your relationship to strengthen yourself. It takes strength to lovingly confront another person, to tell them you feel frustrated, to ask them to work with you to change the way you two live your lives together. And it also builds strength to do this. It’s like weight-lifting. You’re building your relationship muscles by challenging yourself to confront your partner with your own feelings and thoughts, telling her exactly what it is that you want, for yourself.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Well–I think I need to revisit an old post on “empathy, sympathy, and compassion.”

Recently I heard from commenter “ianstrever,” who said this in response to my blog post: “You got this completely wrong. The latin roots explain the difference. Empathy contains the root of ‘em’ or ‘in.’ Thus, to empathize with someone means to be ‘in’ the same situation; to feel what they feel. Sympathy contains the root ’sym/syn’ or ‘like.’ Therefore, the sympathetic person has been in a situation that is like the one someone else is experiencing, but it is not exactly the same thing.”

Not being one who wants to get stuff like this wrong, I consulted dictionary.com, and here’s what I found (bold-face emphasis added by me):

empathy–noun. 1. The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. 2. The imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself: By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self.

sympathy–noun. 1. Harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another. [...] 3. The fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble, fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration. [...] 7. Psychology. A relationship between persons in which the condition of one induces a parallel or reciprocal condition in another.

First, let’s set aside the argument about Latin roots–I’m more interested in how the words are understood and used by American English-speaking people today, even if our usage departs from the original meaning of the words.

It’s not a perfect fit, but I think these definitions support my original post: empathy is the act of understanding another person’s feelings or experiences or perspectives–”I get that you’re upset. It makes sense to me.” But one doesn’t have to share the feelings or experiences or perspectives. As it says in the definition above, empathy is the intellectual identification with another person. (And yet, the definition also says an empathic person could be having a “vicarious experiencing of” the other person’s feelings, so the waters are still a bit muddy!)

And as for sympathy, my original definition understood sympathy as sharing the feelings of another, not simply having an intellectual understanding of the feelings. “You’re upset,” a sympathetic person would say, “and I am too!” This is borne out in the definition above: “harmony of or agreement in feeling,” “the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another,” “a parallel or reciprocal condition in another.”

I was originally drawing on the work of David Burns when I wrote the post on empathy, sympathy, and compassion. I believe his understanding of empathy is consistent with my definition–it’s the act of understanding another person, if not sharing the other person’s feelings or perspective. As I said above, these definitions from dictionary.com don’t fully clarify things…the definition of empathy allows for at least a little bit of what I’d call sympathy, and the definition of sympathy allows for a little bit of compassion! But I’ll stand by my original post and continue using these three words like this:

1. Empathy: I get you.
2: Sympathy: I get you, and I share your feeling.
3: Compassion: I get you, and I want to help you.

And thanks to “ianstrever,” who challenged me to check my work and clarify my thoughts. S/he probably still disagrees with me, but it’s always good to think these things through!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

I used to be (okay, I still am) a big fan of the NBC show, “The West Wing.” In the first season, way back in 1999, one of the main characters separated from and later divorced his wife. I’ve never forgotten the scene in which they confront their serious marital problems. It was just after Leo (the husband) forgot their wedding anniversary. To make up for his mistake, he went to a lot of trouble to arrange an elaborate romantic dinner for his wife, but then he blew that too–working late at the White House, he arrived at home long after the dinner was over. I’ll reprint here the dialogue between Leo and his wife, Jenny, followed by my own comments about the situation. I think you’ll find that both characters displayed great courage and strength in this wrenching scene.

JENNY: [sighs] I can’t do this anymore. This is crazy. I don’t want to live like this. I just can’t.

LEO: I’m sorry about the anniversary. I just…

JENNY: It’s not the anniversary. It’s everything. It’s the whole thing.

LEO: This is the most important thing I’ll ever do, Jenny. I have to do it well.

JENNY: It’s not more important than your marriage.

LEO: [emphatically] It is more important than my marriage right now. These few years, while I’m doing this, yes, it’s more important than my marriage. I… I didn’t decide to do this myself, Jenny. There were many discussions.

JENNY: I think if you can find the time to…

LEO: I’m five votes down, Jenny! And I need to win. I met with the staff…

JENNY: You made the time.

LEO: I made the time tonight.

JENNY: You didn’t make the time tonight.

LEO: I hired a whole…

JENNY: Margaret phoned to confirm your nine o’clock meeting with the Vice President.

LEO: [beat] I was going to slip out for 45 minutes…

JENNY: Leo…

LEO: I was going to be right back.

JENNY: I can’t. Really.

LEO: I don’t suppose we could postpone this discussion until… It’s just the past couple of days…

JENNY: I have to go now.

LEO: Okay.

JENNY: [puts on jacket] I’ll be at the Watergate.

LEO: Okay.

JENNY: And I’ll talk to you later.

LEO: [with a catch in his throat] You’ll call me?

JENNY: Yeah. [starts to pick up bags]

LEO: You… you want me to carry that to the cab?

JENNY: It’s okay. [opens door]

LEO: [almost in tears] Call me before you go to sleep.

JENNY: Okay.

[Jenny shuts the door behind her, leaving Leo looking devastated.]

FADE OUT

I like this scene because both characters come across as strong, authentic, and (despite their anguish) sure of themselves. Leo does it first: he’s honest about his priorities, about how his work has become the most important thing in his life right now. Leo is taking responsibility for this. He’s not saying that work or career “should” be more important than marriage. He’s saying that for him–just him, and just for “these few years”–he wants to put his work first. He knows this is an awful thing to say, or at least it’s an awful thing for his wife to hear. But I like how Leo stands up and says it. When his wife confronted him with her pain, Leo didn’t lie. He didn’t try to appease her or cover over what was really going on. So… good for him.

But Jenny has some game too. She decides to leave Leo. She decides that his decision is just that–his. She doesn’t need to accept his priorities. She doesn’t have to stay in the relationship after hearing that he has made something else a higher priority. For Jenny, her marriage is the most important thing in her life. She decides to take care of herself, to pay attention to her own true wants and needs. She decides to do the hard but honest thing–to leave. So… good for her.

As difficult as this situation is, as hard and sad and gut-wrenching as it is, I think it is a good example of a “successful failure” of a marriage. If we judge Leo and Jenny’s marriage by the yardstick of their expectations on their wedding day, then it was a failure. But if we judge it by the yardstick of marriage being a way for two people to grow, mature, and develop as independent–and interdependent–human beings, then this separation and divorce was a success. It was a situation in which both Leo and Jenny consciously asserted themselves, well aware of the pain and sadness that would follow their choices. How much worse it would have been–how much more painful and sad–if they had stayed together, scared and frustrated, despite their diverging priorities!

This kind of scene is hard to witness. I see it sometimes in my work, and I’ve seen couples in my personal life who have gone through similar experiences. It’s not something I wish on anyone. In a perfect world, I suppose, it wouldn’t happen. But even in these hard situations, I think there’s a lot to be said for people who stand up for what they truly want, and who they truly are. Any marriage or partnership, whether it lasts sixty years or sixty days, can do far worse than to bring out these noble qualities in the people involved.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

I just posted on the idea that it’s important to take charge of your own life, to set and follow your own agenda, particularly when you’re trying to overcome bad habits or behaviors that diminish you or lower the quality of your own life. It’s easy (I think) for someone to respond by saying, “Well, that’s easier said than done. And what if I just need a little help sometimes?”

This is a good question, and it reminds me of a story told by Scott Miller, a well-known therapist, trainer, and author. He was working with several other therapists who were treating a client with a serious alcohol problem. Miller was hired to consult with the therapists about the case, and at one point he met with the client while the therapists watched from behind a one-way mirror.

The client told Miller that he (the client) felt like he should stop drinking for his mother’s sake. He knew that his mother was upset about his drinking problem, and he felt he could stop if he kept in mind what his mother thought was best. In Miller’s telling of the story, the therapists behind the mirror started getting restless. They didn’t like the idea that this client wasn’t changing for his own sake. The client was challenging their assumption that you can only change for the better when the change is something you want, for yourself. (After all, it says that in most of the self-help books, right?!)

But Miller saw it differently. He saw that for this man, change happens when he listens to the advice of others, particularly important people, and no one was more important to him than his mother. After Miller understood and supported this man’s view of his own problem, it was easier for the client to stay sober, attend A.A. meetings, and rebuild his life.

But doesn’t that fly in the face of what I said about taking charge of your own life? Well…not necessarily. Sure, you could see it as a problem. You could say that this man–like my client who felt he needed an external authority to control his behavior–this man felt he needed his mother to overcome his alcohol problem. You could see that as a weakness, a problem he needs to fix with therapy. You could say he’s letting the locus of control be outside of himself. He’s not in charge of his own life.

Or you could look at it this way: at this point in his life, this man cared about his mother’s happiness more than he cared about drinking alcohol. And yes, his mother’s happiness was closely tied to his own. Are they in an enmeshed relationship?? Oh, maybe. But the bottom line for this client was that he stopped drinking, and he maintained a close and positive relationship with his mother. He met his goals.

So I think we should look at this with a little bit of flexibility. I suppose the best-case scenario for my client–at least the best-case scenario according to me!–is that he take full command of his problem, that he not rely on a computer lockout or someone else’s login or some other technical trick to stop himself from doing what he doesn’t want to do. But at the same time, if my client is solving the problem in a way that works for him, and he’s also continuing to gain insight about himself, improve his life, and gain strength as a self-defining, self-confident human being, then what’s the harm in getting some help? What’s the harm in having the locus of control lie a little bit outside of you?

Commenter Jill’s story raises one possible harm: that if you let someone else control your problem, that might not be fair to the other person. It’s a good point! In the case of Scott Miller’s client, it wasn’t an issue. In other cases, it might be. So that’s why I encourage people to keep the locus of control within them whenever they can–with the understanding that there are times and situations when it’s okay (and maybe even preferable) to get a little help from a friend.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

(Note: I have permission to tell this story! )

A little while ago, I was talking to a client, and he told me he attempted to change his computer settings so that it was harder for him to access porn on the Internet. He was concerned that if he didn’t find a way to control his behavior–a simple, effective method, and one that was outside of his own control–he might continue to be enslaved by the siren song of Internet porn.

But he ran into a problem. His computer sent him error messages when he tried to restrict his own Web access. It turns out that the computer wouldn’t let him restrict himself because he was an administrator. He was too high on the hierarchy of his own PC to set limits for himself that were out of his own control.

My client smiled, and laughed at himself. His own computer was telling him (more or less), “Hey! You! What are you trying to do?! Make me your parent? That won’t work! If you secretly want to look at porn, but you also don’t want to, then you’ll have to control yourself. You’ll have to take charge of the situation. Sorry!”

We talked about this in our session. We talked about the concept of “locus of control.” That’s a phrase straight out of Therapy Land, a phrase that doesn’t mean much to ordinary people who speak ordinary English! But the idea is this: if I’m upset about some problem in my life, and the locus of control is outside of me, far away from me, that means I’m basically powerless. I can’t improve my situation because I’m not taking control of my own circumstances, thoughts, and feelings. If I’m not in charge, then you–or someone else, or some bigger situation I’m caught up in–you or someone else will take control of me.

But if the locus of control is within me–if it’s really me who’s in charge, well, that’s different. I’m being the administrator in my own life. I’m aware of how hard this is–how hard it is to say no to the things I could do that would diminish me, or behaviors that don’t come from my best self. I keep practicing restraint and discretion. I keep working on holding the locus of control within myself. I keep breathing, meditating. My goal is to take charge of my own agenda. My goal is to state clearly where I want to go from here. My goal is to be the administrator in my own life.

Hard? Yes. It’s even harder than you might have imagined when you first started working on your relationship problems. But worth it? Yes. It’s worth it to stay in your closest relationships–stay engaged, stay open and available–while challenging yourself to stand up for what you really, truly want in your life.

Remember: whether you want to or not, whether you feel ready or not, you’re in charge!

(And you’ll do just fine!)

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Lately I’ve been reviewing the work of John Gottman, a well-known psychotherapist, researcher, and scholar who has devoted his career to helping couples. The Gottman Institute offers great workshops for couples, and Dr. Gottman has published several books on marriage, interpersonal problems, couples with children, you name it.

Here’s a link to a great page on the Gottman Institute’s Web site. It offers several basic tips for couples, and a few surprises. For example, one of the tips is, “Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.” This flies in the face of a common assumption: that if we just express everything that’s on our minds, we’ll be a healthier couple. Not so! I like Gottman’s work because he models it on his extensive observation of healthy couples, couples he calls “masters of marriage.” Gottman has found that these healthy couples usually don’t sound like they’re amped up on self-help books. They’ve figured out how to relate authentically with one another, dealing with both positive and negative emotions. But they’ve also learned that, well, I’ll say it this way: they’ve learned that discretion is often the better part of happiness!

Check out Gottman’s work. It’s a great way to learn how to improve your relationship!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

I posted on this late last year, but it keeps coming up in my work with clients, so I think it’s worth posting again. How do you really clear the air in your relationships? How do you talk to others in a healthy way, particularly when tempers are short?

This technique was developed by Gaelen Billingsley, another great therapist in Seattle. (I suppose someone might say it will hurt my business if I recommend someone else who does what I do, but hey, that’s how good she is!). It’s a method in which you state clearly three basic things:

1. Your feelings. Keep them simple, and take full ownership of them. I feel mad. I feel upset. I feel scared. I feel nervous. I feel frustrated. If you’re saying, “I feel like you don’t respect me,” that’s not a feeling. It’s a thought, a judgment, an assumption. Usually the word “like” is a clue that you’re expressing a thought, not a feeling.

2. Your thoughts. Again, take full ownership. “I think you don’t respect me because you said something I thought was insulting.” Did you notice that statement contains two thoughts? You think he doesn’t respect you, and you think so because he said something you thought was insulting. It helps to sort out your thoughts from your feelings because otherwise, how can the other person really respond to your problem? If you’re lost in your feelings and convinced the other person harmed you, you’re not in a position to listen to the other person’s perspective, let alone reconcile.

3. State clearly your request. “I just want you to hear me out. That’s all.” Or, “I want to know what you were really thinking about me when you said that.” “I would like us to talk this out. Can you help me?”

Finally, think about this: the other person may not honor your request. She might not want to talk. He might not want to tell you what he was really thinking. That’s disappointing, but it’s the other person’s right to respond in whatever way they choose. Thank them anyway for giving you time to state clearly your feelings and thoughts. And keep practicing this technique. It’s not a once-in-a-lifetime thing to do. It’s a new way of relating.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

(First, my usual disclaimer: this is a Friday post, so it’s a little irreverent, and meant for your enjoyment! It’s part of my “Unhealthy Pop Song Lyrics” series.)

Today we’re taking a look at the song, “Wind Beneath My Wings.” I decided that since this song was sung by Bette Midler (playing the character “CC”) in the film “Beaches,” just after her character’s best friend died, I would critique the song from the perspective of her departed best friend Hillary, played by Barbara Hershey. So here’s the situation: CC sings the song, and Hillary, having died and found her way to heaven (and wised up a bit), has figured out how screwed up most earth-bound relationships are (or at least most earth-bound pop songs), and keeps interrupting her old friend. So here goes:

CC: It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine; that’s your way.
You always walked a step behind.

HILLARY: What?! I never had sunlight on my face? What, are you kidding? CC, I love you and all, don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t cold. I wasn’t hiding in your shadow. Yes, I understood that when we were friends, you were the celebrity. You were the performer. But I have no regrets. Did I let you shine? Meaning, let you shine while I “walked a step behind”? Um, sorry, but no. Get over yourself! Yes, I was an introvert. I didn’t seek the limelight. But that doesn’t mean I sacrificed my life for you. I just had a different style, a different personality. And to tell you the truth, I’m a little bit shocked that you didn’t know that! But–go on. Keep singing your song…

CC: So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

HILLARY: Hold on, CC. You had glory–meaning, I didn’t? And I had strength, meaning, you didn’t?! I know these lyrics sound sweet, but why are glory and strength polar opposites? Why can’t you be famous and strong? Like, oh, you know, not this Hillary, but Hillary Clinton? That woman’s got it goin’ on! (Yes, we’re following the Democratic presidential primary up here. And even though we know who’s going to win, it’s fascinating!) But as I was saying, why do you think I had a beautiful face but no name? Did you forget that I built a career of my own, that our friendship–as lovely as it was, don’t get me wrong–that our friendship wasn’t the whole point of my life? Sorry, CC, I wouldn’t trade our friendship for anything, but I’m proud of my career. I’m happy with all of my life, not just the great times I had with you. And as for my beautiful smile, OK, sure, sometimes I smiled when in fact I felt a little miserable (who doesn’t?), but I like to think that for the most part my smile was just that: my smile. I led a good life. Don’t forget that, my friend.

CC: Did you ever know that you’re my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

HILLARY: Oh, CC! All this pressure! I am the wind beneath your wings? Seriously? It’s sweet of you to call me your hero, and I guess I’m flattered that I’m everything you’d like to be, but to be honest, I never saw you that way. I never thought you were unable to have your own great life, to fulfill your own great destiny. I appreciate your praise, but really, you’re flying high all on your own. You don’t need me for that.

CC: It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I’ve got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know the truth; of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

HILLARY: (sighing) Oh, CC. You know, there wasn’t that much that went unnoticed between us. Not to be snarky or anything, but I was pretty bright when I lived on earth. And you should know it’s not healthy to say you would be “nothing” without me. I miss you–I really do!–but I don’t want you singing that line to me now that I’ve gone. You would be nothing without me? Come on! You don’t have to pretend I made you who you are as a way to honor me or pay me your respects now that I’ve died. (And I don’t want to sound nasty, but it kind of makes my death all about you.) If I’m a true friend, I’m comfortable with you just as you are, not you as an extension of me. Well, CC, I think I better go. But–no kidding–thanks for the song. Really. And I wish you all the best. I’m not the “wind beneath your wings.” I hope you know that. (If not, just ask your therapist!) But I am your biggest fan! xoxox, your friend,

Hillary

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

So, it’s your fault. You did something, and you regret it. Maybe it was relatively small: you said something really insulting to your partner. Or you were acting out at work and made a fool of yourself. Maybe it was big: you had an affair. You seriously harmed someone emotionally. You behaved badly. So, now what?

Not every problem in life can be solved by following a step-by-step plan, but sometimes it does help to take things in order, one thing at a time. Here’s a way to work through your big mistake, make sense of it, and make amends. Whether or not you’re able to restore your relationship with another person, you can at least make peace with yourself. So here goes:

1. Face up to what you did. Take out a pad of paper if you like, but find a way to really acknowledge to yourself what happened. “I stepped out on my partner. I knew better, but I did it.” Or, “I said something hurtful. I didn’t mean it, but that doesn’t matter. I hurt my friend, and it’s my fault.” At this stage, don’t express remorse, just get the facts straight. What did you do? What happened when you did it? Fess up to yourself.

2. Get in touch with your own feelings about what you did. Now’s the time for remorse, if you feel it. Remember that feelings are usually simple things: they fall into four basic categories–mad, sad, glad, afraid. If you find yourself saying, “I feel like I let her down,” that’s not a feeling. It’s a thought, an assumption, a judgment. “I feel lousy because I let her down”–that’s better. “Lousy” is the feeling. And what’s under “lousy?” Feelings like guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, frustrated, sad, remorseful, and so on. One more thing about feelings: realize that you’re not an angel. You’re human, so some of your feelings won’t be P.C. “I also feel mad,” you might say to yourself. “Yeah, I screwed up. Big time. But I’m still mad at him about what he did.” That’s just another feeling. It doesn’t hurt to get it out there. Notice it. Jot it down. Reflect on it.

3. Think about the reasons–not excuses, but reasons–why you did what you did. A reason is not an excuse, not a cause for pardon. It’s just a reason. You had a tough childhood, so that’s why you did it? Okay. That’s a reason, but it’s not an excuse. Thinking about the reasons for your behavior is a good thing to do, but not because it “gets you off the hook.” It’s a good thing to do because it helps you get past your own unproductive guilt, or your own unproductive defensiveness. You’re not absolving yourself. You’re just getting some perspective on the circumstances that led to your unfortunate behavior. “I cheated on my partner,” you might say, “because I’ve never had a stable relationship and I got scared. I wasn’t thinking… Maybe I stepped out because I wanted to go first, I was so convinced that he would hurt me.” Again, that’s not an excuse. It’s just a little bit of perspective about your thoughts and actions.

4. Decide what you’re going to do next. This step could look like a lot of different things. It could be any of the following, or something else entirely:
–Apologize, but make it good. Truly apologize for what you did. State clearly to the other person what specifically you regret, and let the other person know that you understand that they feel whatever it is they feel about it. Don’t ask them for anything. Just offer the apology, offer it sincerely, and leave it at that. Let the next step be theirs.
–Resolve to do better. You might have lost the relationship at this point, or perhaps the other person just doesn’t want to deal with it, or talk with you about it. Draw whatever lesson you can from what happened and move forward. Notice when you’re slipping back into useless guilt trips, or useless defensiveness. Notice it, then lead yourself back to your current life.
–Forgive yourself for what you’ve done. This might be the hardest part, at least for some of us. Remember that you are a flawed, fallible human being. You can learn from your mistakes, but you can’t avoid them. This kind of self-forgiveness is not cheap. It takes time–time you spend with yourself, reflecting soberly on what happened, and what’s next for you. But it’s the healthiest way for you to use this difficult time to learn about yourself and, well, grow up a little bit!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!