Following up on yesterday’s post, here’s my take on the question, “What do I do if I don’t make it back in time, if the person I love dies before I have a chance to say goodbye?”

This really hurts. I’ve seen people fall apart when this happens. They break down and begin to weep, feeling overwhelmed with guilt and regret. I think it’s really important to remember a few things during times like this:

1. Be compassionate with yourself. You didn’t make it because you couldn’t make it. Something prevented you from being there, whether it was a delayed flight, the maddening turn of events, or something deeper, something personal, such as your own ambivalence about the person who was dying, or barriers that the dying person put up. Even if it was that last one–that you yourself were hesitating, and while you were hesitating, the person died–even then, please try to be compassionate with yourself. Relationships are complicated, and sometimes, when a person dies and certain key family members and friends were absent because of the difficulties they had with that person, well, that’s just part of that person’s story. Think of it as something that you and the person who died share together: several unanswered questions, perhaps many regrets, but something that both of you shared. Those who are dying often have a lot of influence over who ends up at their side when their time comes.

2. Find a way to say goodbye, or pay your respects. Attend the funeral, or connect with others who are grieving. Or write a letter to the person who died, maybe a letter that expresses your regrets, but also your affection for the person. The letter could also be a way for you to talk about your ambivalence, or even (if you feel it) your anger. It might feel countercultural to acknowledge your anger for a person who died, but it’s healthy. I really think that if the dead can hear us, if they’re still tuned in somehow, then we should honor them with an authentic expression of how we truly feel!

3. Connect with living persons in your life. Try to draw wisdom and insight from this experience. If you regret missing the last moments of one person’s life, turn your attention to the people you love who are around you today. Resolve to be fully present with the living.

4. If you did have a relationship problem with the person who died, think especially about those with whom you are currently having difficulties. If it pains you to miss out on saying goodbye to someone who died–if it pains you because the missed connection was a result of a relationship problem–then take this opportunity to repair and restore relationships you have with others. Work to have a life that ends in a more peaceful death than the one you just experienced.

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A friend of mine who reads my blog (PL, you know who you are!) asked me to write a new post because things were slow at work and she needed something to read. I asked her what I should write about. “Oh, death and dying,” was her casual reply. Yeah, ’cause that’s a really easy topic!! I asked for a subtopic under the category of death and dying, and she said, “saying goodbye.”

Will do–let’s talk about saying goodbye. My friend is getting ready to say goodbye to a relative of hers who is not likely to live much longer. Like so many families, there’s a lot of pressure for people to gather, keep vigil, and say whatever it is they need to say to the dying person. But what do you say? How do you say goodbye?

I think you should express everything you need to say to the dying person. Get it all out. Take your time, and be sure you fully express your whole collection of thoughts, feelings, and hopes for the person. And if it’s absolutely necessary, if you really can’t avoid it, use words.

That’s right: you don’t have to literally say anything. My siblings and I were all gathered around my mother’s bedside when she died nearly 11 years ago. Some of us would run errands, or talk to my dad, or go back to Mother’s side…we fell into a rough rotation pattern. I remember doing a few of the night “watches.” All we did was hold her hand, hold her hand, hold her hand. We might doze a bit from time to time, or talk to each other, or just watch her, listen to her breathing, try to see if there had been any changes. But the main thing was holding her hand. She was on a pretty good dose of morphine at the end, so she wasn’t able to sit up and talk to us very much. We just maintained a physical connection.

I remember at one point my mother asked me, “Do you have anything else you need to say to me?” At that particular moment, I didn’t. (Boy, do I have a lot to tell her now!) But she asked me that question before the vigils began, before she really started to decline and go into what they call “active dying.”

Later that week, when we were staying up all night to be with her, I think I said everything that needed to be said–I said it in the action of keeping vigil. I don’t think I understood this at the time, but in retrospect I think the act of keeping vigil communicates a lot to the dying person. Your silent presence communicates far more than any speech or carefully rehearsed statement. And I think it communicates one thing above all–one thing that many people who are dying need to hear–it communicates that those who are keeping vigil with you, who will witness your death, are strong enough to carry on after you’re gone. It takes a lot to keep vigil with a dying person, particularly if she is highly important to you. To do it, you have to summon strength and resilience from within. And I think that the dying person can sense that. She can tell that you are standing up at a difficult time. She can sense your resilience. And that might be all she needs to let go.

Don’t worry about what to say. Just be present in whatever way you can. That says a lot!

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If you’re already one of my clients, you probably know that I’m a big fan of David Schnarch, the well-known marriage/couple therapist. I want to talk today about his take on hugging, and how you can use hugging to grow and change in your relationship.

Schnarch encourages couples to try his “Hugging Until Relaxed” technique, and the goal is this: to build your own ability to hold on to yourself while remaining emotionally close to your partner. He begins by describing emotionally unhealthy “A-frame” hugs. Let’s say you and I are hugging in an “A-frame” way. That means we’re in an A-frame position, leaning into each other. So if I’m leaning on you and you stumble or fall, or you willingly step back, what happens? I fall down. I’m not standing on my own two feet. I am over-dependent on you.

The healthy hug is different. You and I are embracing, but we’re both standing squarely on our own two feet. That means that we’re close to each other, looking into each other’s eyes, slowly matching our breathing, tuning into each other, and yet we’re not leaning on each other. It means that if you choose to step back, I won’t fall. I might be sad or disappointed, but I won’t fall apart.

When two people hug in this way, especially when they’re doing it intentionally in an effort to grow and change, they notice their anxiety going up, way up. That’s because it’s really hard to be close–and stay close–to someone who’s important to you without the closeness challenging you. Think of it this way: we’re hugging while standing on our own two feet. That means you don’t need me, and yet you are really close to me. You may not even need to be needed by me (if you truly have your emotional sh*t together!). Can you understand how scary that can be for someone who doesn’t know how to take care of his/herself?

In the “Hugging Until Relaxed” technique, couples quickly find out how being close to someone who’s important to you drives up your anxiety, and challenges you to take care of yourself. You might start to sense that your partner wants to stop the hug. Or you might want to stop yourself, but start worrying that your partner will be hurt or offended. You’re fretting about your partner instead of confronting your own “stuff.” But stay with it. Stay close, and try to learn from your anxiety.

Remember: your instincts tell you that when your partner is driving up your anxiety, either because of how important s/he is to you, or how close (both emotionally and physically) s/he is to you, your instincts tell you to either 1) get some distance or 2) diminish your partner’s importance to you. In the “Hugging Until Relaxed” exercise, you are challenging yourself to stay with it, to work with your own anxiety the way you would climb a mountain, or wrestle with a worthy adversary.

Who thought hugging could be such a challenging and transforming thing to do?!

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