If someone you know and love is going through grief, you may feel anxious about what you should do, and not do, to help them. There are no hard and fast rules, but in my work with clients I’ve found the following responses to be helpful:

1. Make lasagna, and bring it over without asking. When someone is coping with a death in the family or some other kind of distressing situation, lots of people will call and say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” But the truth is, most people who are grieving have no idea what to ask you to do. They’re not in touch with what they really need. When my mother died, one of my sister’s friends just came right over, unannounced, with a pan of lasagna. The friend stayed long enough to drop off the food and hug my sister, and that was that. Think about ways you can communicate your support without pressuring the grieving person to help you or talk to you at any great length.

2. Just listen. If your friend is turning to you during this difficult time, remember that you don’t have the answers–and you don’t have to have the answers–so it’s best not to act on your own anxiety about what you should say or what you should do. Simple listening is enough. Let your friend know that you hear what’s being said, and you care. That’s more than enough!

3. Depending on your relationship with the grieving person, I think it’s okay to ask once in a while if there’s anything they need that you haven’t thought of. Expect that they’ll say no, and simply encourage them to let you know if something comes up. If you take this step after the lasagna in step 1, your friend might actually ask for your help. Or not. Either way, don’t push it.

4. Take care of yourself. One of my favorite illustrations of this point is the instruction we’re all given when we’re on an airplane and the flight attendants are telling us how to work the oxygen masks: before assisting the child next to you, be sure your own oxygen mask is in place and functioning. Same rule applies here: if you’re not taking care of yourself, how can you feel strong and ready to be there for your friend?

5. If the grieving person is your spouse or partner, all of this is good for your relationship. Often people say, “Well, I would ask him to work on our relationship stuff, but he’s grieving now, so I guess we’ll just have to put that on hold.” Yes and no. Yes, you may want to avoid engaging your grieving spouse or partner in a deep conversation about your relationship when s/he is in the middle of a difficult time. But no, you don’t have to wait to practice healthy relationship boundaries and behaviors. All of the ideas above are “healthy relationship” things to do. Your conscious choice to be present and supportive during this difficult time is a way to nurture your relationship and help the two of you down the road, when it once again feels appropriate to directly focus on your relationship.

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I’m still working through my two-week training on organizational development, and in the course of our work I came across a great quotation from a friend and mentor of mine, Melissa Skelton. She was writing about the challenges and benefits of listening–the challenges and benefits of two married or partnered people listening to each other, two groups listening to each other, or anyone who feels they’re in relationship with someone else, trying as best they can to listen to that person.

Why do it? Why listen? Why should we take time and spend energy drawing close to another person, or another group, particularly if they are in opposition to us, and if it’s all too easy to fight with them? Here’s what she says:

“[Let's say] you’re in the middle of a conversation with your spouse, and it’s one of those recurring conversations where you always come out in different places and walk away reconfirmed about how different you are from each other. [But] what would it be like for both of you to not completely yield who you are to each other but to make a decision that in the conversation, each [of you] will allow him or herself to be affected by the other–will allow the outcome to be shaped by both? This is what it might mean to be constrained by love” (italics mine).

Constrained by love–that can be a confusing phrase. I think it means this: to open yourself up to another person, which means to be (in some ways) constrained, or surrendered, to that person. It doesn’t mean “surrendered” in the sense of “they win, I lose.” It means simply to be open to that person–even though being open to them means to be bent toward them, leaning into them, being influenced and changed by them. Does it mean being destroyed or oppressed or squashed by them? Of course not. But it does involve cost!

Let me ask you: is it worth it?

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Sorry for the lack of postings lately–I’m attending a two-week conference on organizational development and trying to keep up with my usual work, so it’s a busy time!

I thought I’d share a couple of things I’ve learned at the conference. Much of the learning is experiential: instead of a series of lectures, we’re learning how to work with groups and larger organizations by doing role-plays and then giving each other feedback about our skills and behavior.

I’ve been experimenting with being more assertive in these activities. Even though we’re not acting in the sense that we’re supposed to use our real selves in the role-plays, it’s an opportunity to experiment with new or growing-edge behaviors, and get feedback in a learning setting.

I’m glad to say that even though I’m taking risks and being more assertive in these work groups, I’m not driving people too crazy! (Though the conference ain’t over yet!) I’m learning that there’s a whole range of behaviors and interventions that I’ve used over the years but would do well to explore further. As a therapist, it’s easy to soak up the culture’s assumptions about what therapists are “supposed” to act like (you know–warm, kind, supportive) and neglect other skills that most people really need therapists to use, such as a willingness to carefully–but firmly–challenge or confront people with the stuff they really need to work on.

I’m hoping to integrate what I’ve learned not just into my professional life, but also in areas of my personal life where my “full self” or “best self” is a more assertive self. I suppose the danger is that I’ll start driving everyone crazy! But a key part of this learning is to hear and respond to the feedback of others, so as long as I stay tuned in to others, I should be okay. And when you think about it, what do you think really drives people crazy–hiding your true self, or being your true self?!

In a fun sidenote for all you MBTI fans out there, I retook the test, and I’m an extravert! I’ve always been a “fence” introvert, but in the last couple of years I’ve jumped the fence and am a (slight) E. My full type is ENTJ, which is the best type of course. (Kidding!) It’s been weird but also liberating to look at my preferences as an extravert. I still have a lot of introvert preferences, but I’m aware of how energized I am by connecting with other people, too. An extravert friend of mine is an intern trainer at this conference, so she’s having a lot of fun welcoming me to her team and introducing me to the E culture!

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In the first few years of my career I worked primarily with teenagers and kids. I still see a few clients from these age groups, but not as many as I saw when I worked for mental-health agencies. Weekly–sometimes daily–I would hear someone say that my clients needed “anger management.” This is one of those phrases from Therapy Land that has found its way into popular culture: almost everyone knows what “anger management” is, and almost everyone thinks it’s a good thing, even if they wouldn’t be caught dead taking an anger management class.

At the risk of offending many good professionals in my field, I say: think twice before taking one of these classes. (Often enough, if you’re taking one, you’re being forced to, so you don’t have the luxury of thinking twice. But keep reading!) Whether you’re being forced to take anger management or you’re just angry a lot and someone in your life has said, “Wow, you need anger management!” it’s important to remember a few things about anger:

1) Anger, like all emotions, is neither bad nor good. It has no moral value. It is a psychophysiological response by your mind and body to circumstances around you. I like the definition of anger (included in the work of Marsha Linehan) that says anger is simply the emotion you feel when something is in your way. That’s it.

2) Anger is often useful. It can tell you a lot about your situation, yourself, other people, and what your options are. It’s hard to see how, say, road rage is useful. But even if you’re experiencing road rage, the emotion might be telling you that you are too stressed out, that you need to take a minute–or a few minutes, or an hour, or a day–to work through something, or simply take a break.

3) There are no “angry people.” There are people who get angry quite often, and people who nurse grudges or hatreds for years at a time, but again, anger is an emotional response, not a personality trait. Senator Jim Webb might disagree. He’s a champion of the Scots-Irish culture, a culture that embraces anger in a particular way, and for particular cultural reasons. But even in a culture like that, where anger is a powerful cultural phenomenon, an individual person is capable of not being angry.

4) Like many emotions, anger is not designed to be chronic. If you are nursing a grudge for long lengths of time, you should know that you’re probably doing more harm to yourself than the person who originally hurt you. This is why I agree with the idea behind anger management, if not the specific methods or intended outcomes of anger management.

5) Finally, my case against anger management. (And I would love to be proven wrong about this!) Over the years I’ve seen that many of my clients find anger management either ineffective or counter-productive. It’s usually ineffective, particularly with teenage boys. They go to anger management classes, but they don’t seem to come out with much at the end. It becomes another irritant for them, and another thing their parents are expected to enforce, which (ask any parent) is the last thing they need. The counter-productive outcome occurs when anger management classes teach people not how to understand and make use of their anger, with the goal of resolving it, but rather how to squelch their anger or find some way to define it as wrong, bad, or useless.

So if you feel you have an anger problem, by all means take steps to address it. You could even sign up for an anger management course! But look at the materials–or talk to the course leader. Find out if they help you understand and deal with your anger, with respect for the fact that it is a useful and normal human emotion.

Finally, if you’ve struggled with anger and learned something about yourself, or about emotions, or relationships, please comment on this blog. I’d love to hear (and share) your story with other normal humans who sometimes get angry.

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Just a note to clients who use my online scheduler: I’m attending a two-week training on organizational development during the last two weeks of June, so most of my weekday appointment times are not available. I will be offering other times on those days, such as 7:00 p.m. appointments, but the online scheduler template doesn’t reflect that, so just give me a call or email me if you’d like to come in and can’t find a time on the scheduler. I’m here!

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Today is June 6, and currently the temperature in Seattle is 47 degrees. Yes, that’s 47 degrees Fahrenheit! All this February weather has gotten me thinking about Seasonal Affect Disorder, which is real, in case you want to know. I’m originally from Minnesota, so in all honesty I’m not profoundly affected by the weather. I’ve seen worse! But it takes its toll. Especially when it feels like this pattern is a part of Global Weirding. It’s a little scary to take the dogs out in early June and bundle up like it’s still the middle of winter.

So…here’s something else that can cheer us all up. (Or at least me.) Like pretty much everybody else, I’ve been watching political events unfold this week with almost obsessive interest. I’ve been checking and re-checking my favorite political blogs–my favorite? that’s easy…go here–and following every breaking news story about Obama clinching the nomination, Clinton bowing out, and everything in between.

As I’ve been watching this historic election, I’ve felt more and more optimistic, more and more hopeful, about the direction our country is taking. And I’ve even dared to look forward to seeing clients in November. Why? Because I remember seeing clients in November 2004, and it was a hard, hard time back then. It’s no secret that I live and work in the indigo-blue city of Seattle, so the 2004 election returns were not good news for most of my clients. And for some of them, they were seriously depressing. (For a few, they were dangerously depressing!) I was really concerned, both personally and professionally, about how things were going on a national scale.

I mention all of this primarily because–as I said–I’m feeling optimistic and hopeful about current events, despite all the terrifying problems like cyclones, earthquakes, political upheaval, terrorism, global “weirding,” and so on. I’m optimistic and hopeful because I really think our nation is about to turn the page on rhetoric and policies that haven’t helped us face these problems.

But I also mention it because I’m trained as a “systems” therapist, meaning I do not see individual mood problems (for instance) simply as an individual’s problem. When someone tells me she’s dangerously depressed by election returns, I take her word for it. I don’t assume she’s just clinically depressed. I don’t assume she just has something “wrong with her brain.” I know better. Big events have big effects on individual people.

So if you have the misfortune of living and working in 47-degree weather today, take a moment to check out your favorite political blog. Things are looking up!

(Knock on wood!)

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I’ve been a therapist long enough (ten years this summer) to remember the days when people didn’t use email regularly, let alone text messaging. These days (I know, I sound so old saying “These days”!) people tell me that they’re having intimate conversations about serious problems…on email. Or they’re getting confronted by their partners about relationship issues…in text messages.

I guess I feel like being blunt today: I think this is a bad trend. Call me a dinosaur, but I think email and texting should be used for the following things: 1) business; and 2) fun. Everything else should be live and in person. Why? Because (and this is just my opinion, but hey, it’s my blog!) when you’re dealing with serious issues or emotional problems, it’s almost impossible to express yourself well in email or by texting your partner. An additional reason is that your words will be put in print, and you won’t know who will see them or what interpretations they’ll make when they read your words. Finally, my third reason is that it’s all too easy to duck when you’re communicating this way. It’s hard to look someone in the eye and tell them something they don’t want to hear. It’s hard to sit with someone in person and hold yourself accountable for your actions. It’s hard. But it’s also the right thing to do.

One last note about this. So far I’ve been advising you not to do this yourself, but it works the other way too. If your partner is texting you about serious stuff, I encourage you to assert your preference for a face-to-face conversation. Think about responding to emails with phone calls or other more direct contacts whenever the email contains negative or emotionally “hot” content. And when you reach the other person, say, “I want to talk about this with you, but I want to do it in person.” You’re worth it, and so is your relationship.

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In the film “Primary Colors,” Kathy Bates plays Libby, a character who finds out some dark (and disappointing) truths about her friends, a married couple based on Bill and Hillary Clinton. One of the many memorable lines in the film is Libby’s comment about couples and cheating: “It’s never the one who cheats who goes to hell,” she said. “It’s the one he cheated on.”

I think of this line sometimes when I’m working with people who just found out that their partner has had an affair. Sometimes the affair brings out the worst in a person: rage, despair, more rage, and a deep desire for revenge. But more often it’s a lot more complicated than that. There’s usually a lot of anger, but there’s also (in no particular order) self-doubt, sadness, confusion, shock, more sadness, and anger at one’s self for “being so clueless” or “not reading the signs.” How do you sort it all out?

First, take a breath. Just take a moment and get back in touch with the most simple things–the most simple gifts–in your life, like your breath, your heart, your health, your own basic self. Your partner did this, yes. But you still have yourself. Try to “return to the center” or practice a form of spiritual centering that works for you. (And repeat when necessary!)

Then, try to see your partner’s behavior as just that: your partner’s behavior. It’s not about your attractiveness (or lack thereof). It’s not about mistakes you made, or things you did, even if your partner says it is–or even if you think so yourself! “You drove me away!” your partner might say. But that’s not true. Your partner freely chose to have the affair. If you “drove your partner away,” that only means your partner gave you the power to do so.

As you continue to work through your pain, think about following a step-by-step process of acceptance and healing. I often recommend the book, “How Can I Forgive You?” by Janis Abrahms Spring (see the link below). This book offers more than one way to recover from an affair, whether or not you stay together as a couple, and whether or not your partner wants to cooperate with your recovery.

It can be easy for you, if your partner had an affair, to “go to hell”–by which I mean you create your own hellish existence as you struggle with your confusion, outrage, and hurt feelings. Take time to soothe yourself and work on your own “stuff” during this difficult time. Eventually you may find that the affair is a way for you to learn about yourself and do the hard but rewarding work of self-development.

“He cheated, not me. What’s wrong with me?” Nothing. Nothing at all. And you won’t always feel this upset. I can’t promise you’ll still be a couple when all of this is over, but I can promise that there is a lot you can learn–about yourself–during this difficult time.

Here’s the link to the Abrahms Spring book:

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