You and I and everyone in the world has tried to do things differently, tried to change things, whether it’s a change of job, career, home, city, relationship, you name it. Sometimes the new thing we tried was a new behavior, a new way of relating to others. And we often have found that the change didn’t accomplish what we had hoped.

Maybe, for example, you tried to communicate with your spouse or partner in a new way, and you did it because a friend (or your therapist!) told you to. And it “didn’t work.” You still feel stuck. If that’s been your experience, here are some thoughts about what might be going on.

First, it’s probably not a communication problem. Lots of couples think they don’t communicate well, when in reality they communicate all too well how they feel about each other. “But he doesn’t talk to me,” you might say. No, he doesn’t–because at this point you both have communicated so well how you feel about each other, words are no longer necessary!

So that means, if it’s not a communication problem, it’s probably this: you haven’t confronted yourself enough. Here’s an example: you’re frustrated because the excitement in your relationship has faded–or maybe it’s never been what you had hoped for–and you and your partner have been working on this problem for a while, to no avail. You’ve pressured your partner with your desire for change, whether it’s a change in how you two relate to each other, or a change in sexual routine. Or maybe you’re the one on the receiving end: your partner is pressing for change, and you find yourself resisting, or just confused.

If this is going on, chances are good that you haven’t confronted yourself enough. You’ve done some self-confrontation, but not enough to take you into really dangerous territory. Let me show you how this could happen:

You and your partner have done what everyone does in a relationship, particularly in the early phases: you’ve connected in areas where you’re similar, minimized differences, and generally taken care to lower anxiety in yourself and the other person. She gets upset (let’s say) when you don’t answer her emails right away, so you give in and answer them more than you really want to, saying to yourself, “It’s no big deal for me, and it’s something she cares about, so that’s fine.” You’re both doing this in lots of other ways, whether it’s accommodating the other person’s sexual preferences (or what you perceive them to be), modulating how much emotional connection you have to match the other person’s tolerance level (never mind that you want more…), and just generally presenting a somewhat-true-but-also-false self to the other person because it would just hurt too much to reveal your true self.

And then, because you had the bright idea (?!) to talk to a therapist or read this book, you confront your own fears about speaking the truth to your partner and you say, “I know you want me to email you right back when you send me stuff, but I don’t want to do that. Here’s how I’d like to do it…” Or (taking a much scarier example), “I know you’ve said that we can’t have that kind of sex, but I want to do it so that I can connect with you, and so that we can be inside each other, literally and figuratively.” Or (another scary one), “Right now I’m angry. You said ______, and I’m angry about it.” Not, “I’m angry and it’s your problem, so fix it!” but “I’m angry, and I just want you to know that.”

At this point you might be thinking, “But I’ve tried that already! I’ve been trying to connect with my partner, express my true feelings, ask for what I truly want. It’s not working! We’re still stuck!” If that’s the case, then it’s possible you’re on the right track, but just not quite there yet. You are doing the hard stuff, just not at the level that is pushing yourself to grow and change. You’re still holding back on some level, still not confronting the true wants and true fears that are going on inside your true self.

So, now what? Well, go back to your situation. You expressed your anger, let’s say. What happened next? Did you still find yourself holding back something true about yourself as a way to protect yourself or your partner? I’m not saying it’s a great idea to express every feeling you have, every moment you have it. But maybe there was something true going on for you that you are still squelching in the name of peace and comfort in the relationship. Or you pressed for change in your sexual relationship, your partner resisted (which almost always happens! It’s part of the magic in couple relationships!) and you gave in. I’m not saying it’s a great idea to be obnoxiously pushy about your sexual desires–that’s not your true self. But I am saying that it’s an opportunity to confront yourself and stand up to your own fears.

Bottom line: if you’ve tried it already, ask yourself, what would be a deeper self-confrontation that builds on the work I’ve already done?

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Not long ago I posted about anger, one of the great human emotions. As a dog owner, I’m tempted to think that dogs get angry, but to be honest I’m not sure that’s true. Non-human animals get mad and frustrated, but it’s only our own benighted species that really gets angry in lots of different ways, with intensity and depth and nuance. Dogs get ticked off, sure. But angry? No, that’s a human thing.

Recently I’ve found myself thinking about road rage. Sometimes I experience it myself: someone cuts me off, and all I want to do is lash out. That _________! What an _________! How normal it is to feel enraged by such a simple problem: you’re driving along, doing your thing, having a good day, and bam! Someone cuts you off. Ugh!

Road rage captures my interest because it’s a near-perfect example of anger–anger in its purest form. Something is in my way, so I’m mad. Furious, even. It’s easy to think that my anger is about that guy in front of me, you know, him, the one who cut me off. It’s his fault I’m sitting here in my car, losing it, freaking out, wanting to take him down, teach him a lesson! It’s his fault!

Except it isn’t. As understandable as road rage is–and, true confessions, I’ve experienced it, I’ve struggled with it!–it’s not about the other guy. It’s not about the person who cut you off. I hate to say it, but it’s about you. It’s about me. When people get mad, often enough there’s a good reason: someone got in your way, or someone insulted you, or someone disrespected you, or someone cut you off. How dare they?! But your anger is all your own.

Think of it this way: let’s say you, me, and the Dalai Lama are driving down the road. (It’s a three-lane highway!) Someone is driving aggressively, and they cut all of us off. You and me, we go crazy. We swear, we curse, we make rude gestures, we just lose it in our rage against this jerk who cut us off. And the Dalai Lama drives along, smiling serenely. If you and I notice this, let’s be honest, we might start getting upset with him too, right? What’s with him, anyway? Doesn’t he know he just got cut off?!

And even if we give him a break, even if we say, “Oh, well, he’s the Dalai Lama, of course he’s fine, of course he’s calm and content!” it might not occur to us that he isn’t doing anything special. He doesn’t have access to some sort of insight or truth that eludes us. Sure, he’s (maybe) further along than we are in his spiritual journey. He’s had more time and more support to develop a rich spiritual life. But the truth is, we too can respond like him to the all-too-common experience of being cut off in traffic. We too could let go of the suffering that so easily overtakes us in times like this.

A friend of mine who studied Buddhism told me that his favorite bumper sticker is not the one we usually see–”Mean People Suck”–it’s the one that says, “Mean People Are Suffering.” What the Dalai Lama knows (and we know too–though it’s easy to forget) is that the jerk who just cut us off is out of tune, discordant, troubled, and suffering. He (or she) is a person who has lost touch with her better self, her wise self, her spiritual self. And when that person’s problems intersect with my car, my frazzled day, and my own suffering, road rage ensues.

Most times, when the cut-off happens, and in the minutes that follow, I’m not going to remember all of this. But in other moments–moments of calm and quiet, moments of reflection–it’s a good idea to remember that the people who drive us crazy, the people who cut us off, are suffering. And if I let it happen, I can take on that suffering. I can let it infect me. I can let it ruin my drive, my afternoon, even my whole day.

Or…not!

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This is just a note to couples who are interested in weekend workshops hosted by the Gottman Institute: there’s another workshop coming up in September, and you might want to register soon. These workshops are useful for couples who may or may not think they are in trouble but would like to work on their relationship. Even if you’re in therapy, weekend workshops can supplement your counseling with a more intensive two-day experience. Here’s what the site says:

“Research shows that on average, couples wait six years from the first signs of problems before they seek help. This workshop is designed to strengthen your marriage or relationship. If you have a strong relationship, this workshop will provide you with insights and tools to make it a great one. If your relationship is distressed, this two-day workshop will provide a road map for repair. If the couple is dealing with physical abuse or battering, this workshop may not be appropriate. In these cases, please consult with Gottman Institute triage staff.”

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Today the film version of the musical Mamma Mia! opens in theaters, and in its honor I’m reviewing the lyrics of the title song as part of my Unhealthy Pop Song Lyrics series.

In this version of the song, as Agnetha sings, her therapist listens with increasing worry, and then makes a carefully considered decision about what to do. Enjoy, and happy Friday!

AGNETHA: I’ve been cheated by you since I don’t know when.
THERAPIST: Right. You told me about him last session.
So I made up my mind it must come to an end.
So far so good! Took her a while but it’s never too late.
Look at me now, will I ever learn?
I don’t know how, but I suddenly lose control.
I know how. Let’s work on that.
There’s a fire within my soul.
Uh oh.
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring.
A bell rings? Is she Pavlov?
One more look and I forget everything. O-o-o-oh…
Don’t! Don’t do it!
Mamma mia! Here I go again!
No! Don’t!
My my, how can I resist you?
I know how! Don’t do it!
Mamma mia! Does it show again?
My my, just how much I’ve missed you?
How could it not show? You’re whipped!
Yes, I’ve been brokenhearted,
blue since the day we parted,
why why did I ever let you go?
I’ll tell you why! You know why! Don’t do it!
Mamma mia! Now I really know
why why I could never let you go.
She did it.
I’ve been angry and sad about things that you do.
Right. Remember that!
I can’t count all the times that I told you we’re through.
I can.
And when you go, when you slam the door,
I think you know that you won’t be away too long.
Why’s that??!
You know that I’m not that strong.
Oh Agnetha. We’ve been through this!
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring,
That damn bell again.
One more look and I forget everything. O-o-o-oh…
Mamma mia! Here I go again…
I give up. Hell, it’s a good song. Might as well dance…

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Recently I posted a pretty good rationale for not cleaning my basement on my day off. It was a light way to describe the concept of “Radical Acceptance.” Well, let’s say that today is the day to clean that basement, that you can’t stand it anymore, it has to get done, and you’ve decided to do it now. Good for you! I found a book (click icon below to purchase) that describes a four-step way to make this project something more, something that helps you grow and change in your life.

(True confession: I found it while reading O Magazine at the health club. A guilty pleasure!)

The “SHED” process involves four steps:
1. Separate the treasures. Look through your stuff and keep things you truly want and need, or things that have deep meaning for you.
2. Heave the trash. The rest of it is out of here! Personal note: my dad is really good at this step. I remember him saying things like, “Does it work? No? Throw it out!” or “Do we use it? No? Throw it out!” This was a good thing, because my dad had a lot of kids.
3. Embrace your identity. In this step, the author, Julie Morgenstern, encourages you to discern your present and future goals, dreams, hopes, and so forth, and to look at your “shedding” process as part of a larger effort to be your best self, and live your daily life by drawing upon the best in yourself.
4. Drive yourself forward. In this step, you become more active and directive in your re-engagement with life. You pursue the goals and dreams you discerned while shedding not just the old stuff in your basement, but also the old habits, ways of scheduling your time, and other default assumptions and behaviors you have about yourself and your life.

So if you’re looking for a step-by-step way to change your life, not just your basement, you might want to give Morgenstern’s book a try!

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Most of my posts have to do with issues related to therapy, counseling, couples, personal growth, and so on. But today I want to recognize and recommend my webmaster, whose site is found here. Jill is terrific. I’ve been working with her for just about a year now, and I’m delighted with the quality and consistency of her work. My website is the lifeblood of my practice, and Jill has worked countless hours (well, she’s counted most of them, but hey, that’s business!) to help me get started, build the site, and work on search-engine optimization. I highly recommend her.

One reason I’m talking about Jill in this post is that this is a scheduled post, which means that by the time you read this, I will have written it yesterday. For a long time I hesitated to do scheduled posts. It’s a great feature, but I’ve had some glitches with my blog and I didn’t want to risk a post being published in the future without me being at the computer and ready to fix the glitches. But this week Jill has worked with me (and WordPress) to fix these problems, so I’m good to go.

OK, so my motives aren’t completely pure: I also think I haven’t always been the easiest client for Jill. I’m nice (most therapists are!), and I do try hard to solve problems myself and learn new things, but here and there I get frazzled, or I do dumb things on my blog, and Jill has to put up with my shenanigans. So this post is (partly) a way for me to make it up to her. So, thanks Jill! And all the rest of you, if you’re thinking about building a new website and need a great webmaster, search no further!

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Yes, but this is a good question. Some people legitimately think it’s appropriate for therapists not to charge for their first session. After all, what if it doesn’t work out? What if I’m not a good fit for you? No therapist can (honestly) promise that the fit will be perfect. Like all human relationships, it’s not an exact science.

Even if that’s the case, in my experience the first visit can often accomplish a lot for you. Just to name one thing, the first visit is (usually) the first chance you’ve had in a long time to get your problems off your chest, to talk to someone–someone who’s really listening–about your problems. And that’s therapeutic. Even if we’re not a good fit, you’ll likely walk away feeling a little bit better.

And there’s more. First visits include lots of questions by me about what’s going on for you, what’s bothering you, who you call your family, what your workplace is like, and so on. But this isn’t just a way for me to gather information about you. It’s also a way for you to tell your story, just the way you want to tell it. And sometimes, in telling our stories, we get started on the process of changing them. Have you ever been in the middle of telling people something significant about yourself, and you suddenly realize something new, something you haven’t thought before, about your situation? That can happen in our first session.

And finally, I rarely (if ever) let anyone leave their first session without doing some in-session therapy work, and taking home a few things to think about and work on. So even though I charge for my first appointment, I assure you–the work I put you through is worth it!

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Most often when we’re in a relationship, we feel we need to check things out, fix things, understand why the other person is upset, listen, respond…you know, do all those things therapists love to tell us to do! But then there are times when–and I say this as a therapist, not just someone in a relationship!–it’s okay to let the other person take care of their hurt feelings. Even if their hurt feelings are about you.

That’s right. Think about some of the times when you’ve been mad at your partner, or your partner’s been mad at you. Often enough, it’s an issue worth discussing, a problem worth solving. Maybe your partner misunderstood you, or maybe you’re upset because your partner said something you thought was insensitive. It might be a good idea to check it out. Checking it out is usually better than stewing about it…right?

Well, a lot of the time. But sometimes I work with couples who seem to be “check-it-out perfectionists.” No negative feeling goes unexamined. No hurt feeling goes unaddressed. And I think, well, I think they’re taking all this a little bit too far. Sometimes a person is just upset. That’s all. They’re having a bad day, or they didn’t like what you said, or they’re just not that into you right at this particular moment, and the best thing for you to do is to let it lie. Let them take care of it.

But…! You might say. But, I’m right, and he’s wrong!! Shouldn’t I have the opportunity to defend myself? Sorry, that sounds defensive… Shouldn’t I have the opportunity to (hmmm, what’s a nice therapy word…?) respond? Well, yeah, most times. But maybe not this time. Think about giving your partner a little space once in a while to be mad at you–or think about giving yourself a little space once in a while to be mad at your partner–without having to do the whole Therapy Routine. Don’t worry about “active listening” or “responding vs. reacting” or “empathic communication.” Just let them take care of it.

And guess what? If you do–if you let them (and yourself) take care of it on their own (or on your own) every once in a while, it’s good practice. It’s good self-soothing, self-parenting, self-care. It’s adult stuff. That way, when you two run into a bigger issue that really needs to be dealt with by both of you, you’ll both be better able to hold onto yourselves during the encounter. You’ll both be better able to take an adult stance while wrestling with your issues.

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Often I work with clients on the concept of Radical Acceptance. One problem with this is that it sounds clinical and hard: “Radical Acceptance”…what’s that? So I’ll use my basement as an example of how you can use Radical Acceptance to feel better and live better:

Right now, my basement has several issues: a cluttered tool counter, unfolded linens, unorganized boxes of personal papers, water-damaged junk, and a weird smell coming from behind a chest of drawers. Today, Monday, is my day off. If I chose, I could worry about my basement and make a plan to tackle it. When I start planning by worrying, though, it often goes like this: I make a big list and plan to do hours of work, then get about a half-hour’s work done and somehow get distracted. And then, at the end of my day off, I feel frustrated with myself and can’t stop thinking about my basement.

So I’m approaching it this way, using Radical Acceptance: right now, today, as it is, my basement is perfect. The linens aren’t supposed to be folded right now. The smell isn’t so bad, and I don’t have to hang out in that area too much anyway. The personal papers are in boxes, and their condition is ideal–for today. If I feel like it, I might go down there and straighten something up. And if I do, then my basement will once again be perfect–for that moment, for that time of the day.

Radical Acceptance is about surrendering completely to the situation you’re in right now. Most of the time it has to do with really upsetting situations, such as: you’re racing to the ER with a bad cut on your hand, the pain is throbbing, and you run into traffic. There’s nothing you can do. Radical Acceptance means surrendering to the situation, taking deep breaths, soothing yourself, and allowing yourself to experience the situation without getting frantic and upset about it.

There are other examples. You might be coping with a terrible loss, a death of someone close to you or a traumatic event in your life. Radical Acceptance is a way for you to go forward with that loss, not denying it, but also not frantically resisting it and fighting it.

My basement is a much less dramatic example, but it’s the same principle: do I need to clean the basement today? No. And if I don’t, will it still be a great day? Yes. Right now, right at this moment, my basement is perfect. My day off is perfect.

Enjoy your perfect day!

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Something I do with almost every client is this: we pore over our calendars to find a date for our next meeting. Many of you have regular appointments, but others can’t do that because of changing work schedules. It can be crazy! So I’m happy to say I found a cartoon (click on thumbnail below) which was published twelve years ago and has stayed with me ever since. Let’s just say I’m glad they finally found a date for their meeting!

Happy Fourth of July everyone. Be safe, and if you’re in the mood, do this.

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