A little more on the “Standing Ten Feet Tall” idea…

It’s usually hardest to do this when other people around you are standing three feet tall, particularly if they are important to you–especially if it’s your spouse or partner who’s “acting like a little kid.” One way to see what I mean is to borrow from Transactional Analysis, but in a very basic way: think of yourself as having three basic options: 1) act like a parent; 2) act like an adult; or 3) act like a child. When another person is acting “three feet tall,” that’s my way of saying they’re acting like a child. You might feel tempted (strongly tempted!!) to act like a child in response, or you may feel tempted to over-function as a sort of parent figure for them, managing (anxiously) their behavior and generally falling into an unhealthy parent-child dynamic.

The healthiest option, of course, is to approach others from an adult stance, and this is what I mean by “standing ten feet tall,” and what Murray Bowen means by “differentiation,” and what Transactional Analysis means by “a state in which people behave, feel, and think in response to what is going on in the ‘here-and-now,’ using all of their resources as an adult human being with many years of life experience to guide them.”

Just remember: it’s harder when someone else isn’t standing very tall, and it’s even harder yet when that person is highly important to you!

Note: for more about Transactional Analysis, see my post from this past April.

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One of the great thinkers in my field, Murray Bowen, created the concept of differentiation. It’s a great concept. If you understand what he means by the word “differentiation,” you can use it to cultivate healthy and happy relationships in your life. But there’s a problem. It’s the word itself. “Differentiation.” It’s not a word that normal people use. It’s a TherapyLand word. I’ve been struggling for years to find a way to describe this concept to normal people–you know, people like you!–and I think I’ve found one way to do it.

Think of “differentiation” this way: when you are differentiated, you are standing ten feet tall. You are your best self. You are your strongest self. You are able to be close to people, and by close I mean emotionally close. You are able to show them exactly how you feel, right now, right in the present moment, and you are able to take full responsibility for your own feelings. You’re angry. You’re sad. You’re scared. You’re happy. Whatever your feeling is, and whatever your complicated emotional response to the other person might be–such as a desire to fight, or a desire to cry, or a desire to flee, or a desire to embrace–you are in control of that response, and you are able to decide whether you want to actually do that response.

In short, you are standing ten feet tall.

Imagine yourself standing, say, three feet tall. This means you’re acting like a little kid. You’re giving in to your anger and flying off the handle, raging against your partner, losing control. Or you’re tearfully demanding that your partner soothe you in your sadness, make it go away. Or you’re putting up a wall of cold, hostile indifference to hide your fear. Or you’re assuming that your current happiness is all about your partner–therefore, it’s not in your control.

But to stand ten feet tall means to notice, understand, and work with your own emotions, and to respond to the people around you rather than simply react to them. It doesn’t mean you’re an android, empty of emotions, coolly distant from everyone. In fact, if you’re like that most of the time, it might mean you are undifferentiated, or (like I said above) standing three feet tall. Standing ten feet tall means not running away, and also not fusing anxiously with those you love. It involves emotional awareness, the ability to regulate emotions, and the ability to stay in the fray, to stay close–and yet hold yourself together–with those you love.

So, you’re a normal person. Did that definition of “differentiation” make sense? If not, let me know!

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OK - it’s back! Feel free to log in (or set up a new account) and schedule an appointment with me. Thanks to everyone for your patience as I worked out the bugs with my great webmaster.

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Just a note to everyone who schedules appointments with me online: we’re still trying to de-bug the system, so for the time being the scheduler is down. Please contact me by phone at (206) 214-7650 or email stephen@stephencrippen.com to schedule an appointment. Very sorry for the inconvenience!

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Have you ever gotten a good piece of advice from a friend? (Or a not-so-good piece?) Of course you have. We all have. “You shouldn’t go out with him,” the friend says. “You need to stand up to your mother.” “You should quit that job.” “Do yourself a favor–break up with her before it’s too late…”

Friends mean well. They want what’s best for you. Most of the time, when they give advice, they truly believe that they are acting in your best interest. And often enough their advice isn’t too bad. Most people have a fairly decent dose of common sense, so there’s no way that all advice is bad.

But I’m not concerned about how bad or good their advice is. My concern is that their advice is all about them. Here’s what I mean:

Advice: “You shouldn’t go out with him.”

Why it’s about your friend and not you: Maybe your friend just doesn’t like the guy. Maybe the guy reminds your friend of someone s/he knows, someone who was a nuisance, or a bad boyfriend. Or maybe your friend fears that your friendship with him/her will suffer if you get into a new relationship. Or maybe your friend actually doesn’t know for sure (or much care) whether you “should” go out with him, but s/he feels pressure to give you some sort of opinion, some sort of advice, so she picked this comment. Or maybe your friend thinks you can’t handle a relationship right now–never mind that you actually can. Or maybe your friend is just having a bad day… The list goes on. For one or many of these reasons, the advice is about your friend, not you.

So, what should you do? Should you take your friend’s advice? My (annoying) answer: well, sure, if that’s what you want. But think about this first: your reaction to your friend’s advice–and your decision about how to act on it–is all about you! So let’s go through this again:

Advice: “You shouldn’t go out with him.”

Your reaction: You decide not to go out with him, but you’re worried you missed an opportunity, and you find yourself feeling a little resentful of your friend.

Why your reaction is about you and not your friend: Maybe you’re in the habit of seeking the advice of others, even when you have a strong idea about what you want and know that it’s a good decision. Or maybe your wish to seize the opportunity is outweighed by your wish to make your friend happy, or avoid conflict with your friend. Maybe you believe you can’t handle conflict–never mind that you actually can. Whatever your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and assumptions are right now, they are yours, and they are driving your reaction to your friend’s advice, and your reaction to your reaction!

I hope you’re not confused at this point. The short version is this: when someone gives you advice, everything they say is a window into their own world, their own perpective, their own “stuff.” They may mean well–most people mean well most of the time–but their advice is still all about them. And your reaction–and how you feel about how you reacted–is all about you.

(And this goes for advice columnists too, by the way! )

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Update: I have a few hours available on Tuesday and Wednesday, August 12 and 13.

This is just a quick note about my schedule during the month of August. I will be out of the office for the week of August 12-16, and attending a conference on Saturday the 23rd. Other than that, I’m here and keeping my regular hours. I hope to see you!

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