I’ve complained about this before. The word is “differentiation.” I’m wild about what it means, but I think the word…well, I think the word blows. It’s a TherapyLand word, not a word normal, well-adjusted people would use. What does it mean to be differentiated?

David Schnarch says differentiation means “connection with separateness.” OK, that’s a little better, but only a little. Think of it this way: there are two kinds of emotional connection that you can have with your partner: connection without separateness, and connection with separateness. If I’m connected to you but we are not also–at the same time–separate human beings, that’s bad. It means when one of us freaks out, the other one also freaks out. I can’t be calm and OK if you’re falling apart. But if were connected with separateness, then I can care about you and love you and support you, but I don’t have to react to your freakout. I can hold myself together while you start to pull yourself back together.

Still confused? OK, more Schnarch. Here are his “Four Points of Balance,” the four things he says we need to be able to do if we have differentiation. In fact, he goes further and says this: they are four “uniquely human abilities.” No other species on the planet can do these things. Here they are: if you are differentiated, you–

1) Can maintain a clear sense of self while being in close proximity to partners who are pressuring you to conform. You’re emotionally close to your partner, and your partner (because s/he is human) is pressuring you to conform to his/her view of what your relationship should be like, or conform to his/her need for a low-anxiety relationship, and you are able to resist that pressure without distancing from your partner.

2) You can regulate your own anxiety. You can self-soothe. When your partner is freaking out, that doesn’t mean you have to.

3) You remain non-reactive–but not indifferent–to the reactivity of others. Someone hurls an insult at you, and though you may feel stung, you are able to hold yourself together and not be reactive in response.

4) (and this is probably the most important one) You are willing to tolerate discomfort for the sake of emotional/personal growth. You’re willing to go there with your partner. If you’re coming in for couples counseling, you’re open to being confronted and challenged (often enough by your therapist!) about your own issues.

All of this is to say that differentiation is an important concept, and well worth thinking about. It’s just not the greatest English word!

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I’m preparing to go to a conference next weekend, so my schedule has been disrupted a little bit. If you’re having trouble finding a time using my online scheduler, just call me directly at (206) 214-7650. I probably can find a good day and time to see you, even if it’s not on the official calendar. Thanks, and sorry for the hassle.

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It’s immodest to say this, but hey, it doesn’t happen that often–I’ve been included in a book about kids called “Transforming the Difficult Child: True Stories of Triumph” (link below). I studied with one of the authors, Howard Glasser, who has a wonderful approach to working with kids in classrooms and at home.

I submitted a story about a young client I had a few years ago who helped his mom figure out how to give him timeouts in an effective way. She’d see him break a rule and say, “Pause!” and he would freeze. Then, after a few seconds, she’d say, “Play!” and the timeout was over. That’s right–timeouts can last a few seconds. They don’t have to be “one year for every year of your age,” as the old rule goes. (Who thought of that rule? No one seems to know.) The “pause/play” wording that was the five-year-old child’s idea, so not only did it work, it rewarded him for being creative.

I worked with young children–and not-so-young children–for many years, and I’ve found that many of the ideas that work for them are also useful for couples. It’s not that adults in relationships are acting just like little kids–okay, sometimes it’s like that. But the true similarity is this: most of the time, when kids are acting out, they are just not getting what they need, and it’s not “attention.” It’s love, nurturing, boundaries, clear rules, a world that makes sense and has a lot of strength and companionship and kindness in it.

These sound like the basic needs of adult couples! Here’s the book:

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I’ve posted twice on a “Clear the Air” technique that really works when you are upset about something and need to work through it with your partner. Here’s another way, with another h/t to Gaelen Billingsley.

1. Schedule the meeting. This isn’t as simple as it sounds. You want to sit down with your partner in a setting and at a time when both of you can focus on the issue. You may need to choose a “neutral” site. Should you be at a coffee shop, or is that too public? If you’re at the dining room table, be sure to clear it off. No TV, computer, cell phones, kids, or telephone. Just you and your partner. Think of it as if you’re planning a summit and the other world leader is sensitive to all kinds of protocol. You want this to be done right. You might need to set it out into the future a few days just to be sure.

2. As the meeting begins, state your fears. Tell your partner what frightens you about this meeting. “I’m afraid that we might start to fight, and I really don’t want that.” “I’m afraid I won’t say what I need to say very well, and you’ll misunderstand me.” “I’m afraid that what I tell you might make you feel defensive, and I don’t want to sound like I’m attacking you.” This step accomplishes a couple of things: a) it communicates to your partner that you are really in charge of your own “stuff,” you’re really taking control of yourself; and b) it’s a little bit preventative. If you tell me you’re afraid I’ll get defensive, I’ll feel motivated not to, if only to prove you wrong!

3. State your hopes. This might be the least wrenching part of the whole process. You say things like, “I really hope we can reach an understanding, no matter whether we agree or disagree.” “I really hope you can hear me out, but also that I can hear anything you need to tell me.” “I hope we can put this issue [which hasn't been stated yet!!] behind us.”

4. Finally, state your business. By this time, your partner is doubtless pretty anxious. What a wind up! But that’s okay. Your partner can be anxious. That’s not bad or wrong. And whatever your partner feels, s/he is listening carefully now. So state your business. State the thing you really need to discuss, and do it carefully but clearly.

5. Thank your partner for listening. Whatever response you get–whatever response you get!–thank your partner for taking time to listen to you. It is not your partner’s job to agree with you or see things your way. In fact your partner doesn’t really have a “job” as far as you are concerned. If your partner listened to you today, then no matter what the ultimate response was, that listening was a gift. So thank your partner for this gift.

Important note: if you get off track anywhere in the process, go back to step 1 and start over. For example, if you’re at step 4 and your partner starts getting really defensive and reactive, soothe yourself and go back to step 1 by saying something like, “OK. I know this is hard. I do want to discuss it with you, but maybe we should stop for now and talk later. Can we do that?” You’ll notice that step 1 looks different the second time around. That’s because the situation is different. You got into the process and something went wrong. That’s OK. In fact, you should expect that to happen. So just go back to step 1 and try again.

A couple of tips: First, use your own voice. The quotations above are mine, not yours, so they sound like me, not you. Stay close to your own mind and heart when you’re thinking through what to say, and how to say it. Second, be flexible, with yourself and with your partner. If your partner is getting defensive, there’s probably an understandable reason for it. This is hard stuff! So hang in there and try to be flexible. Go back to step 1, and as you do, keep calming yourself down. Finally, be gentle but also firm. This is not the opposite of flexible! You have a real issue to discuss. Honor your partner and yourself by taking your issue seriously enough to engage in this process.

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It’s common to think, “We just need to communicate better.” Or, “We should just talk it out. We never talk about our problems.” But sometimes that’s not the solution. I posted earlier this year on the idea that sometimes it’s better to just give your partner a little space and time to wrestle with stuff. You may feel wronged or hurt or angry about something, or you may feel you have the answer your partner needs, but the better choice is to let your partner take care of it.

Well now I have a little more backup on this idea! Barbara Graham, on Oprah’s Web site, offers a how-to called “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.” This is good news for those who aren’t all that great at verbal communication, but also for those who are very good at it and don’t realize that there are other ways to connect powerfully with your partner. Check it out!

Note: the Graham article is geared toward heterosexual couples, but the concepts apply to all couples. Don’t worry if you’re both women, or you’re both men…non-verbal communication works for everybody.

(And h/t to my webmaster, who found this article.)

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What does “integrity” mean? Is it a thing, something you can have–and not have? Is it a personal quality that you receive, whether genetically, by your upbringing, or by some other virtuous way?

For me, integrity is a noun, but it’s not a thing you have or don’t have. It’s a process, an activity, a way of being. That means you don’t have integrity, you practice it. And you don’t not have integrity, you’re currently not practicing it.

Think back to the last time you were in a situation where you did not “have” integrity. Maybe you fought in public with your spouse–and fought pretty dirty–or maybe you went out drinking and humiliated yourself, or maybe you cheated or lied about something. If you feel shame about what you did, that’s a healthy feeling. But soon you’ll need to begin letting go of shame and take the next step, which is taking up the practice of integrity once again. To “have” integrity really means to hold yourself together, or to integrate yourself. You have passions, you have normal human emotions, you have thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, values, and judgments. Practicing integrity does not mean being utterly calm. It does not mean squelching anger. It just means you’re paying attention to all that’s going on inside you–from your emotional reaction about something that just happened all the way down to the depth of your deepest beliefs and values. And you’re not just paying attention to all of this–you’re holding it all together.

There are two ways this definition of integrity is useful: first, it allows you to practice integrity, rather than resentfully sulk about how you don’t “have” it, or let yourself off the hook because no one thinks you “have” it, so why even try? Seeing it as a practice, a way of being, allows you to grow into it. It allows you to begin living a life of integrity. And it allows you to return to it when you have fallen.

Second, this definition pushes you to look with deeper understanding and compassion on others who are having trouble practicing integrity. It’s not that they don’t “have” it. It’s just that right now they are dis-integrated. In short, this definition offers hope. Integrity is not a thing the way a baseball bat is a thing. Integrity is a Way. Sometimes we step off that way, into the wilderness of disintegration. But there’s always hope that even today, we can come back.

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