Last New Year’s I posted on New Year’s resolutions–why I like them, and how to make them work for you.

This year, I’ve been thinking about the New Year’s celebrations themselves–not what we think or do once the new year is underway, but how we celebrate on New Year’s Eve. If you’re like most people, you’ll wind up at a New Year’s party where the champagne is flowing, for good and ill, and the celebration extends into the wee hours. You might be more interested in a quiet evening at home, and if so that’s probably a much safer and healthier choice! (Me? I’m hoping to ring in the new year by playing cards with my brother and nephews.) Whatever you decide to do, I want to introduce you to a great new blog on the New York Times Web site. It’s called Proof, and it’s all about the ups and downs of alcohol.

Many of the writers for Proof are recovering alcoholics, and all of them are well aware of the major downside to alcohol consumption. But their tone is sober but not judging, clear but not condemning. And some of the writers still drink moderately. Today several of them posted about New Year’s, recalling wonderful–and horrible–New Year’s parties of years past. In previous posts they discuss not only how to drink alcoholic beverages the way they were meant to be drunk–carefully prepared, socially shared, moderately enjoyed–but they also talk about ways to have a “dry” party and still have fun, and things to do when you want to be sober but it seems like the whole world is drinking.

Whether or not you struggle with alcohol (or other poisons), this is a good blog to read as you get ready to ring in the new year.

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I’ve been thinking the last few days that I now need to write a post called, “Why I hate bad weather,” since the fun of the snow wore off long, long ago. As Seattle continues to labor under this, um, [bleep] weather, I realized that it’s the thing you don’t think of that gets you into trouble.

My partner and I were rushing to get out of town yesterday, and we made it, but we didn’t think about the possibility that nearly every automobile in the Seattle metro area would be parked at or near the airport. We found ourselves frantically rushing up and down International Boulevard, up and down the airport ramp, finding no place to park as the minutes ticked away. 11:45, no luck. 11:55, no luck. (The flight: 12:35!)

Finally we arrived at Jet Hotel and Parking, where the parking attendant told us, “We’re not taking any more.” I think we went somewhere else and came back–it’s hard to remember, it was all such a blur of fury and haste–but we finally ended up back at Jet, stopped the car, and asked the attendant (sounding pretty pathetic), “Do you have any recommendations for where we can park?”

The attendant put his gloved hands on our car, paused, and said, “Well, just let these two cars get out, and I can take you.”

Overwhelmed with relief, we tipped him handsomely, parked our car, and just made our flight. It wasn’t too easy for this guy to take care of us. His lot was very full, snow and slush lay everywhere, it was pretty cold, it was taking forever for the other cars to get out, and besides, it was our fault for not planning ahead well enough, not anticipating that the airport would be a mess on this day. But he had mercy on us.

So, parking attendant, whoever you are, thank you! I’m telling your story because it is behavior like this that makes life worth living. It was a relationship–a relationship that I admit lasted only a few minutes–but a relationship nonetheless, and in that relationship, for the time we had it, kindness was shown. The world, even in the middle of the disaster site that is today’s Seatac Airport, shone a little bit brighter.

Happy New Year!

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I’ve posted before about anger, and road rage. Now I have another source of information about it. It’s a lecture by Timothy Starkey, and it mentions what I learned from another therapist a few years ago: that when we’re enraged, our amygdala, which Starkey calls the “center of our primitive brain,” overrules the neocortex, which is the center of higher reasoning. We’re in fight/flight mode. Our brains are treating the current situation as an emergency.

But I like to say it this way: when the amygdala is in charge like this, with the neocortex “offline,” we are quite literally out of our minds. We are not of sound mind and judgment. Often couples will try to figure out how to change their pattern of fighting–and often their therapist tries to help them do just that–but what’s really needed is for everyone to have a way to chill out, take a break, and return to the discussion when the neocortex is back up and running.

And when I say chill out, I mean it. Chill out: go to the freezer, grab three or four ice cubes, and hold them in your hand. Let the painful cold grip you for a few moments. Notice how your mind is now focused on your cold hand, giving it a chance to come out of emergency mode and reboot the neocortex. Or fill a bowl with ice water, gently put your face in the water, and stay there for as long as you can, up to 30 seconds. (This is an idea from Marsha Linehan.) We experience all of our emotions physiologically–in our bodies. So if we change something in our bodies, such as temperature in a localized area of the body, we give our brains a chance to chill out.

One more thing about this: if you understand rage in this way, it can make it a lot easier for you to not take your partner’s rage personally. Your partner has temporarily lost his or her mind, that’s all! Seriously, this can be a way for you to self-soothe while your partner is going crazy, saying hurtful things, maybe even throwing things or banging doors. Tell yourself, “It’s okay, he’s just out of his mind right now. He’ll be back.”

We are always (I believe) more than our parts, more than the sum of our brain systems and body temperatures. But these techniques–and this way of understanding powerful negative emotions–can help us get some perspective when we need it most.

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Here in Seattle we’re waiting in the cold for the next snowstorm, due to arrive tomorrow night. It’s a bummer because it’s the last Saturday night before Christmas, and I for one was very excited about a holiday party, a traditional bash thrown by friends of mine, and now sadly the party has been cancelled. Why couldn’t the storm come late on Monday night instead?

But I do love bad weather, or I should say mid-week bad weather. It does things that need to be done. It shakes up our lives. It reminds us that we are small, finite beings. It reminds us that our work schedules are not as important as we think they are. It calls out the fun-loving child in all of us. It shows us nature’s breathtaking–and sometimes frightening–beauty.

One more caveat, though: I am definitely not a fan of Hurricane Katrina and the deadly destruction it left in its wake. I am even more outraged by the failure of our government to protect and rescue so many of our fellow citizens.

But if it’s a snowstorm in Seattle, I’m all for it. The Charlie Brown song has it right: “Snowflakes in the air, beauty everywhere…” So even though this latest spell of bad weather forced me to reschedule appointments and wait another year for one of my favorite parties, it did a lot of good things for me. It reminded me that I am small, and that the beauty of the world is huge. And it gave me time that I don’t give myself, time to watch the weather channel, make oatmeal, pet the sleeping dogs, and take a nap.

May your new year be filled with storms like this!

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Well, this is a hard one for me. As a child I had a dream: to one day be the one who decides that it’s a snow day, school’s closed, hurrah, everybody stay home and have fun. In grade school I always imagined the school superintendent–the one who made this decision–to be something like an old and powerful wizard, think Albus Dumbledore in his indigo robes and pointy hat, holding the remote, watching the Weather Channel. The power to close school…wow. And made even more powerful by the restraint shown in using it.

Since I grew up in Minnesota, snow days were rare. I laugh at Seattlites who shut down the city for just a couple of inches of snow. Yesterday, Seattle Schools closed…with no snow on the ground! In my day (yes, I’m starting to say things like “In my day”) the superintendent would never be so lax.

And now, at least in my own work, I have the power. I can close my office. And I’ve decided to stay open. Here’s my policy: if you’re scheduled to see me and feel it would be unsafe to try to get here, by all means let’s reschedule. But if you can make it to my office without a problem, I’ll be happy to see you. For one thing, I’m a therapist, so if a client is dealing with hard stuff and has an appointment with me, I feel ethically bound to make every effort to keep that appointment. (And I feel personally interested and even eager to see you, no kidding.)

And there’s one more reason: I can actually walk to work from my house. It’s not too far away.

So even though I have the power to proclaim this a snow day, a day of frolic and freedom for me and all my clients, I’m going to give that power to you and walk (happily) through the Winter Wonderland to my office.

Whether we meet today or not, let’s both be sure to savor the fun and beauty of the snow!

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It’s that time of year again. Time for my favorite holiday movie. Time for “Love Actually.”

It’s a movie filled with love stories. Love between newlyweds, unrequited love, betrayed love, employer/employee love, father/son love, ecstatic love, lost love. And it’s a lot of fun.

I usually laugh with Bill Nighy and cry with Emma Thompson. For some reason, this year I got worked up in the scene where one of the characters reveals his love to another, love that can’t be fulfilled because she’s married, and he’s a gentleman.

And it was just as hard this year to watch Laura Linney’s character face the choice between sibling love and thrilling romantic love. I had to cover my eyes!

Yes, “Love Actually” is a ‘chick movie.’ But it takes on a lot of serious issues, and even while there’s a lot of humor and silliness, there’s a lot to think about. Some of the stories are left unresolved, giving you a chance to put yourself in a character’s shoes and wonder what you would do differently, if anything, or what you would do next.

Happy movie watching, and happy holidays!

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I’m trying to practice what I preach today. I’m trying to take the day off. No appointments, no meetings, no (hard) work. How’s it going so far?

Well, mostly OK. It’s hard for me to take a day off, but it’s not because I am virtuous or anything. I just allow my life to get filled up with activity, work or otherwise. I could work this whole day cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, working on finances, cleaning the basement, obsessively checking email (I should say that one twice), and generally filling up the day with a thousand activities.

In all of that activity, I would have the satisfaction of getting things done, getting things clean, getting myself a little more caught up in my life. But I would miss out on what my dogs are doing right now, and doing every day in mid-morning: they’re lying around. They are living right now in joyous silence, delightful peace. Like all other mammals on earth–except benighted humans–once my dogs have done their business, gotten something to eat, and made sure they’re safe, they flop down for a nap. They don’t take themselves too seriously.

For other mammals, this is just acting according to their nature. For us, we have to work at it. When is the last time you just took a day to do whatever you want, for hours on end? When is the last time you stopped taking yourself so seriously and decided to flop down for a nap? Again, I shouldn’t be preaching this if I can’t do it myself, so I’m off to the couch with the dogs. They look pretty happy right now!

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