Lots of times I work with clients who think they’re lazy, or think their partner is lazy, or think their son or daughter is lazy. And often enough that seems like a reasonable explanation. Why doesn’t he help with the dishes? Because he’s lazy! Why doesn’t she get up and make it to work on time? Because she’s lazy!

But I have a couple of problems with this. For one thing, if I’m “lazy,” what am I supposed to do about it? It’s either a personality trait, which would make it very hard to change, or it’s a chosen behavior, which means I’m being a little bit of a jerk. Whatever it is, it’s not pretty.

So I propose this: there is no such thing as ‘laziness.’ It’s not a true human condition. No, you are not avoiding work because you’re lazy. And your partner is not ducking out of vacuuming the living room because she’s lazy. And your son is not blowing off his homework because he’s lazy. There are five reasons why you (or someone you love who frustrates you) is not doing something:

1) Exhaustion. Don’t underestimate the power (and prevalence) of exhaustion. Most of us are doing the best we can despite being really tired, really strung out. All the other mammals on earth, after they’ve eaten and found shelter, reward themselves with a long nap. Humans are less fortunate in this regard!

2) You don’t want to do the task. This is obvious I suppose, but your failure to fold the laundry is mostly about the simple fact that you think folding laundry is a drag. And–

3) The cost of your failure to do the task is low. Maybe you know you won’t get punished too severely for not doing something. Or maybe it’s not such an important task after all. Or maybe (and parents, listen up here) the authority figures around you are not setting up a situation that would lead to serious consequences if you fail to do the task. Or–

4) The reward for doing the task is low. There isn’t a nice upside to doing it. For example, you’re not being recognized very much for your efforts, or paid very much, or being thanked. And you know what? Being thanked is important. It’s not selfish or small or petty of you to appreciate (and expect) the gratitude of others. And finally–

5) You are not confident you can do the task well. When your daughter is not doing homework, or your partner is not talking to you about his feelings, or you yourself are procrastinating yet again, it could very well be that you simply don’t feel confident in the task that has been set before you. You’re not lazy. You’re just insecure in this particular situation. Your partner is not lazy. She just thinks you’re better at cooking, or cleaning. Or maybe she’s being passive-aggressive! But she’s not being lazy.

So beware of the concept of ‘laziness.’ It’s a dead-end. It labels someone but doesn’t accomplish much more than that. The five reasons I’ve described above invite you to work on the issue with the goal of changing behavior, improving relationships, and building both competence and confidence. That’s all good, right?!

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My webmaster recently discovered yet another great thing about Google. Check it out!

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…of the rest of your life.

Yes, it’s a bumper-sticker cliche. But after yesterday, the first full day of President Obama‘s first term, it was hard not to think about the power of First Days. The first day of school. The first day at a new job. The first day after getting out of a troubling relationship, or the first day in an exciting new one. First days–they can be exciting!

Right now, as January starts to draw to a close, the New Year’s resolutions people made on the first day of 2009 are starting to wear a little thin. What was it I said I would do? Eat better? Exercise? Get up earlier? Be nicer to my dog? Oh, who remembers??

But this year, in honor of this past Tuesday–a day of new beginnings–I hope you can recommit yourself to the resolutions you made three weeks ago. I hope you can see that every day is a First Day, an opportunity to return to the deepest hopes and convictions you have for yourself, for your work, and for your relationships.

With each rising sun, you can say it again: today is the first day!

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I’m in the process of updating my online scheduler, and until then, here is a list of my new hours:

Tuesday: 4:00, 5:00, and 6:00 p.m.

Thursday: 1:00, 2:00, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00, and 6:00 p.m.

Friday: 3:00 and 4:00 p.m.

Saturday: 10:00, 11:00, 12:00, 1:00, 2:00, 3:00, and 4:00 p.m.

If you can’t find one of these times on my scheduler, please contact me directly at (206) 214-7650 or stephen@stephencrippen.com.

See you soon!

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Couples often think that what they need to do is stop fighting, calm down, and then figure out how to communicate better. That all sounds good, right? Except it’s not usually helpful. Often enough, the thing you’re upset about is a real thing–an issue that any reasonable person would be upset about. And if you think that your biggest problem is your anger and the need to be calm–or worse, be nice–then you run the risk of letting go of something important to you. Your relationship might look and feel peaceful, but really it’s just more tense, more anxious.

And you still didn’t get what you want!

So, don’t be nice. Don’t fight. Wrestle. This is my new favorite verb in my work with couples. I’m tempted to have bumper stickers made: “The couple that wrestles together stays together.” Let’s open up the metaphor: when two people are wrestling (literally), they aren’t fighting, but they’re not just smiling and holding hands, either. They are engaging one another in a powerful interaction that draws upon their strengths. They are using body, mind, and spirit to grapple with one another. The same is true for good and lasting change in relationships. If you’re “wrestling” with your partner, that means you are drawing upon your strengths, your gifts, your body, mind, and spirit, to be emotionally close to your partner, to engage your partner, and to wrestle with your partner through difficult issues.

If you’re just fighting, then it’s not pretty, and it’s mostly just noise and smoke and frayed nerves. There might be moments in the fight when you feel good, but it’s usually a ‘wicked’ kind of good–the shallow satisfaction of having gotten off a good retort, a stinging zinger. And if you’re just being nice and avoiding the hard issues, well, I don’t need to tell you how unsatisfying that is.

But if you’re wrestling, you’re doing hard work and you’re pushing yourself into your own anxious space, but you’re also doing this from a position of strength. When you’re wrestling, you’re not just pushing your partner to engage with you, you’re pushing yourself to take all of this seriously–your partner, your relationship, and yourself. And when you take it seriously, seriously enough to wrestle with it (or wrestle with yourself!), that’s when you begin taking your relationship to the next level. That’s when you begin finding deep satisfaction and happiness in your life with your beloved.

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I post often about the hard challenges in marriage (and partnership). Just the other day I was writing about the three choices people face when they are in a one-on-one romantic union: painful growth (toward ecstasy, but painful nonetheless!), fruitless suffering, or breakup. Why can’t marriage just be an easy ride?

I confess I know and used to know couples for whom it seems easy. My mother’s parents were sweethearts from the start. They met in Montana, fell in love, and through the years were (if you believe my grandmother) very happy together. No mention of any trouble in paradise, even during the years when my grandfather’s Alzheimer’s advanced and he reached the end of his life. I know others in my current life who seem to do really well…they seem to live up to their annual cheerful holiday letters!

But I also believe that every marriage–every single one–challenges the people involved to grow, and to wrestle with another person who is growing. For long stretches of time–days, weeks, sometimes even years–the marriage can hum along, no problem, just the usual bumps and bruises of everyday life, maybe a quarrel now and then, but no worries. And then it happens: one of you realizes that you miss something, or want something new, or wonder when it was that your feelings for the other person changed.

It’s easy (and normal) to panic when you find yourself feeling this way, and particularly when you find your spouse feeling this way. He’s not into me anymore? She’s not sure she loves me anymore? Panic!! But that’s when you should remember that every relationship goes through these phases. The comfort and safety becomes boring. Or the easy way of life gets harder, messier, dissatisfying. Don’t panic. It’s not necessarily the end. It’s just that you’re heading into a growth/change stage in your relationship.

It happens to every marriage because we humans are the only species on earth that continues to develop–emotionally, sexually, spiritually, intellectually–throughout our lives. (Or at least we think we’re alone in this. As an animal lover, I’m open to the possibility that other species are a lot more interesting than we think they are.) We continue to develop, continue to seek challenges, continue to learn new things. That means that when we’re married, we continue to meet our spouses again for the first time. What worked last year stops working not because we’re “not meant for each other,” or because of some mysterious reason, but simply because we are dynamic creatures. We keep writing new chapters in the stories of our lives.

So if you’re feeling frustrated, scared, confused, or mystified because your relationship is “on the rocks,” or you don’t feel like you love your spouse anymore, or you can tell that your spouse is distancing from you emotionally, don’t panic. I encourage you to look at this time as a new challenge for your old relationship, a new challenge that calls you into the future as a pair of dynamic human beings. It’s not easy. But it’s not boring!

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Recently I’ve been catching up with a friend I knew in college, and we compared notes on our careers. Hearing that I’m a couples therapist, she asked me for my thoughts about relationships and marriage, and wondered whether I saw marriage* as a “safe container” for people to work on things–on their own emotional maturity, their own development of a stronger self.

My response: marriage is not a safe container, but it is a container nonetheless. Marriage forces us to do one of three things:

1) Grow (painfully!) and experience ecstasy in a close relationship with another person

2) Suffer fruitlessly

3) Split up

You can guess which choice I want you to make! Marriage is not safe because none of the three choices above are safe. In your effort to become a better person by drawing close to another person, you can–and probably will–get hurt. (Surely you know that already!) But marriage can be a “container” for you to do the hard work on yourself, the hard work of increasing your emotional maturity, the hard work of strengthening yourself so that you can be close to another person without falling apart, melting into them, or overwhelming them. This is why David Schnarch calls marriage a “people-growing machine.” And I’ll bet it explains why, if you’re in a relationship right now, you are feeling uncomfortable.

Safe? No. But then, few valuable things in life are safe!

*It’s been a while since I’ve written about the word ‘marriage’ and what I think it means. I do not think it means the legal union of a man and a woman. I use the word ‘marriage’ to refer to any relationship between two people (same gender or not) who are intentionally relating to one another as spouses.

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All my best for a great 2009 for you and yours.

As you begin the new year, you might be planning to work on your relationship or other issues that have been troubling for you. I’m still offering a couple of different options for you to make it easier to get started, particularly if you’re going to counseling for the first time.

Happy New Year!

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