A friend of mine recently shared with me what she’s doing right now in her spiritual practice. She’s placing colored lentils on a tile in the shape of the Korean word ‘Han,’ a word and concept that is hard to translate. I’m not qualified to tell you very much about it, but I can say this: it reminded me of the value of ‘genuine forgiveness,’ a process of reconciliation and healing created by Janis Abrahms Spring, who wrote the best book I know about reconciliation.

‘Han’ can be understood (at least partially–I don’t pretend to fully understand it) this way: that the truest healing happens when both the offender and the wounded are reconciled. It’s not enough for one of them to make sense of what happened, work through it, and find acceptance and peace. (Though that’s not nothing!) It’s best if both of them can come together and do the hard work of reconciliation. My friend wrote, “In other words, individual salvation is selfish and narcissistic. If the wounded are not brought into the picture of salvation, that’s not much of a salvation.”

I would only add that this works both ways: if the offender is not brought into the picture of salvation, that’s not much of a salvation, either. If I harmed you, then something must be done to bring justice and peace back into your life. But something must also be done to bring justice and peace back into my life as well. It’s like the ancient notion that a curse goes in two directions: toward the one you’re cursing, and inward at yourself. Both the offender and the wounded are wounded.

Sometimes, of course, this is not possible, or easy. Perhaps the offender died, or the wounded refuses to include the offender in the process of healing. Or perhaps it’s a situation in which it would only lead to further harm of the pair were to come back into contact. That’s why I won’t say that genuine forgiveness is the only way. But it’s worth pondering. If you have harmed someone and truly want to work through what you’ve done and find peace, then the best way would be to invite that person into a healing dialogue about what happened, a dialogue in which you truly hold yourself accountable and challenge yourself to make whatever amends you can.

And if you have been harmed and truly want to work through what happened, you may want to challenge yourself to allow the person who harmed you back into your life for the purpose of this shared process of genuine forgiveness.

Again–and I can’t say this enough–genuine forgiveness of this kind is not the only way. There truly is a way to work through your pain without it. But the Korean people, like so many others around the globe, have known for thousands of years about the power of Han.

*Note: this article was slightly edited for clarification and accuracy.

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Lately I’ve been feeling stressed. Can you relate?

I realized some time ago that I’m trying to juggle four flaming torches right now–my counseling business, a professional internship, continuing education work, and all the pressures (and joys) of home, relationship, and puppy dogs.

So to be honest, I’ve been throwing a little pity party for myself over the past couple of days. It hasn’t been pretty. Poor me, I sigh. (Or to quote Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character in the movie Flawless, “Poor me, poor me, pour me another, honey.”)

But I do try to practice what I preach, so I’ve been kicking myself back into gear, reminding myself of a few things, namely:

1) I am richly blessed, and rich period, particularly in comparison to the overwhelming majority of human beings on the planet, right now and throughout the ages.

2) There are many good and wonderful things to be done in my life right now. The internship can be intense, but it is a huge opportunity to learn and grow as a professional. The reading and research and writing of my school work is exhausting, but also exhilirating. And my counseling practice is a deeply satisfying labor of love.

3) If I’m stressed about all the work I have to do, that only means I’m tuning out to the stress of unemployment so many people feel right now. Therapists are trained not to use “should statements,” but here goes: I should not complain about work when so many people can’t find it.

4) The most important reason to get over it: I chose this life. I put myself in this position, and for many good reasons. Just because I’m in the business of counseling and personal growth, I’m not immune to the occasional pity party or victim stance. But neither am I excused from getting over it and remembering that the overwhelming majority of my life was chosen–chosen by me.

All of this reminded me of a great column published in the New York Times last year, written by Maureen Dowd. This was back in September, when Barack Obama’s candidacy looked like it was in trouble and the Democrats were panicking. She asked TV writer Aaron Sorkin to guest-write her column, and he wrote a fictional scene in which Barack Obama goes to New Hampshire to visit former “The West Wing” president Jed Bartlet. It’s well worth a read, but the upshot is this: after giving Obama a pep talk, Bartlet flatly tells him to get back to work and, well, stop whining. He says this simply, and effectively, with two words:

“Break’s over.”

So…back to work for me!

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Why do people go to counseling? Sometimes I try to answer this question from a philosophical perspective. And I don’t mean ‘philosophical’ as a synonym for thoughtful, or reflective. No, I mean Philosophy 101: the meaning of existence, the meaning of being human, the meaning of suffering. What is counseling supposed to do about our suffering? The automatic, reflexive answer is, “Duh, it’s supposed to make it stop!”

But is that true? Here’s what I mean. (And if it starts to sound tedious, hang in there. I promise there’s a good ending!)

Let’s say you just suffered the death of someone you love. You’re in grief. You’re deeply sad. You feel bereft. You feel upside down. You wonder if your life has any meaning. One person I know put it this way–that it’s like you’re driving on the wrong side of the road. So you decide to go to counseling, and your therapist helps you make sense of the situation, express your grief, find deep meaning in the experience, say goodbye to your friend, move forward in your life. You might still feel a little shaken and unsteady, but you’re better, stronger. Sounds good.

The problem is, grief isn’t that tidy. My mother died more than twelve years ago, and most days I don’t feel strong feelings, but every once in a while it feels as if it just happened. And other times I draw new meaning from her life, and from her death. Or the reverse happens: I feel confused and mystified all over again. Now, what was I supposed to think about this loss??

In other words, grief is not teleological. It doesn’t fit into a tidy box. So beware the therapist who tries to sell you this box! Grief–like all kinds of suffering–can be dealt with, released, and even partially understood, but there is always some small (or large) part of the experience that defies our best interpretations.

So, back to my original question: if grief and all other suffering is messy, always somewhat beyond our grasp, then what is the purpose of counseling? Here are a couple of my answers:

First, counseling is a place to come inside and lay down your burdens for a while. You might suspect that your friends don’t want to hear your story anymore, or you might have dark thoughts and feelings that you need to keep in confidence, but can’t bear to keep to yourself. Or you just want to cry it out. There is tremendous power simply in being heard, being held in a supportive and confidential environment. Even if you don’t make complete sense of your experience, this helps you.

Second, counseling is a place to practice tolerating the ambiguity and mystery of life, and suffering, and growth. I won’t have all the answers that help you put your mother’s death–or your painful breakup, or your career crisis–into perfect perspective, a tidy box. To do that would be to minimize your problem, your love, your whole self. It would turn you into a flat, square, made-for-TV character instead of the complex, mysterious human being you really are. But I can help you build your tolerance of these things, even help you find deeper satisfaction in your life–the satisfaction that comes from a life in which you let go of the need for a neat, “teleological” answer in favor of a life that is open to mystery.

And by ‘mystery’ I don’t mean a ‘whodunit’ kind of mystery. Whatever it is that brings you to counseling, I’m pretty sure it’s some kind of experience or situation that is inviting you to be open, to be open to something larger–and yes, more frightening–than yourself.

Will you feel better? Yes. Will you have all the answers? Never. But you will delve more deeply into the richness and beauty and mystery of your own life.

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What better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day than to work with clients on their relationships? It was a busy day today–a full calendar of people who used the day to improve their relationship, or make sense of one they lost, or work through what they want in the future. It’s a much better thing to do with this day than just eat chocolate.

Though I had chocolate in the office too!

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I hope I don’t step on your toes by saying this, but I don’t like Shel Silverstein’s “The Giving Tree.” It’s a story about a little boy and a tree, and it is a cautionary tale for anyone who wants to know what an unhealthy relationship looks like! Let’s take a look:

The tree and the boy love each other, and the story follows them as they share their love. The little boy loves to climb the tree, swing from her boughs, and rest in her shade. The tree simply loves to be with the boy, to share her life with him.

So far, so good.

But then the tree and the boy both make some unfortunate choices. When the boy grows older and needs a house, the tree offers her branches for lumber. When the boy wants to go away on an adventure, she gives her trunk for a boat. Finally, when the boy returns from his adventure–now an old man–the tree is nothing but a stump, and she feels sorry that she has nothing left to offer the boy. But he realizes that she can still give him one thing: he sits on her, and rests, and the tree is happy again.

Oh boy! There are some problems in this relationship. For one thing, the tree can’t be a tree in her relationship with the boy. She has to diminish herself to stay connected to him. Each time he comes to her, she feels compelled to give him something, and she gives in to this feeling every time. You could argue that she receives a gift in her giving…she feels useful, she is gratified that she can help him, she is delighted that she can express her love in such clear ways. Well, OK…but the fact remains that the core of their relationship is her giving him things. Now don’t get me wrong: gifts are good, giving is good, and there’s nothing inherently wrong in the tree’s affection for the boy, or her urge to relate to him with a giving spirit. But you can see how she took this good thing too far–so far that she destroyed herself.

And consider the boy, who is called a “little boy” even when he’s an old man. (This is a telling detail.) He doesn’t have an adult relationship with the tree. For instance, when she offers him her branches, it doesn’t occur to the boy how self-destructive this gift is. To accept it is to agree to a transaction that destroys the tree. Doesn’t sound very loving to me. And it only gets worse: to meet his own needs, he allows the tree to be chopped down to a stump. Ouch. It would be harder for him to refuse these gifts, harder not just because he would have to make more of an effort to meet his own needs, but also because it’s always hard to refuse a gift that is motivated by kindness but is nevertheless unhealthy, unwise. Imagine telling your partner, no, I cannot accept your gift. I appreciate your kindness, but I have to meet this need myself. Only full-grown men and women can do that!

My alternate story of the Giving Tree would go something like this: the boy and the tree would love each other, the boy playing in her branches, the tree enjoying the boy’s fun presence. Later, as the boy became a man, he would meet a human companion, also full-grown, and together they would live out their lives in the shade of the tree, relating to one another–and the tree–with reverence, with respect. And now and then, all three of them would meet their own needs. That’s what I would call a “happily ever after” story.

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This is a question I often hear when people are considering counseling. It’s a good question, particularly now, when the economy is in trouble and our budgets are tight. My answer? Yes and no…and maybe you don’t really want it.

I’m a preferred provider with Uniform Medical Plan. If you’re covered by them, I can bill them directly, and all you’re responsible for is the co-pay. If you’re not covered by Uniform, your insurer might cover a portion of out-of-network services, in which case you could file the claim with them and be reimbursed for a percentage of my fee. I would be happy to work with you under any of these arrangements.

But even if you are insured, there might be a couple of problems with billing insurance. First, many insurance companies don’t cover couples counseling. [They haven't figured out that a) couples counseling works, and b) happy couples make healthy individuals!] Second, some people are uncomfortable with a third party being involved in their counseling, even if it’s just for billing purposes. I practice strict confidentiality in my work, which means that if I bill insurance, they would not see any of your records unless you signed a release for their disclosure, but they might require a “diagnosis code,” a five-digit number that tells them what we’re working on. If that makes you uncomfortable, read on.

There are good reasons to pay out of pocket, despite the fact that times are hard and your budget would feel the strain. First, there isn’t an insurance company asking your counselor to “code” you. No one but you and I are even aware that we’re working together. Second, there is no limit to what we can work on. Anything goes. We can do couples counseling, we can talk about your issues from the deep past, we can learn breathing exercises, you name it! There’s no fear of being denied coverage because we’re setting it all up ourselves. And finally, many clients have told me (and I have discovered this myself) that paying out of pocket has a way of making the experience richer, deeper, more central to your life. You feel as if you made a deeper investment in yourself, and in your relationships. You may feel a greater sense of pride and gratitude (gratitude directed to yourself!) for taking this step, and backing it up with your financial resources.

As I said above, I’m happy to work with you and your insurance if there’s a way to make our work more affordable. But you may also want to consider the option of paying directly for our work together. Either way, I can promise you that I will put my heart into it!

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Here’s a little exercise you can do, something to turn your own head around a few times so that you can think in a new way about your relationship problem: first, think of something about your partner (past or present! it works in both situations), something that really bugs you, or better yet, something that *enrages* you. It could also be something that grieves you, makes you sad, makes you anxious. Your partner was rude to you, or had an affair, or doesn’t listen to you, or is emotionally distant from you, or said something critical about you, or… well, you get the idea. Once you’ve picked a good problem like this, then go to step two, which is to ask yourself this question:

So, what?

Here’s what I mean. Let’s say you’re mad because your partner thinks you are financially irresponsible. You get defensive about it. “She’s wrong!” you tell yourself. The two of you fight about it. It drives you crazy that your partner believes this insulting thing about you. Then ask yourself, “So, what?” If your partner thinks this, does that make it true? And if your partner thinks this, does that mean you’re supposed to do something about it? Maybe you’re upset because deep down you worry about this very thing–that you really do have problems with money. Well, if that’s the case, then all your partner is doing is touching a nerve of your own, which is something you need to wrestle with. “But I have to show him he’s wrong!!” you’re thinking. But why? The value of the “So, what?” question is this: it directs the issue back to yourself, to the fact that you yourself are the one who needs to decide whether you are handling your money well. You yourself are the best judge of your behavior, even your character. “So, what?” pushes you to do one of two things: 1) remind yourself that if your partner is mistaken, then her opinion is just her opinion, and it’s all about her, not you–her beliefs and worries about money, her preferred way to spend and save money, her worldview about finances; and 2) if deep down you know your partner is right, then it’s better to confront yourself about your money habits than waste time and energy demanding that your partner apologize for saying something you agree with. (!)

I’ll post soon with other examples. Meanwhile, when you’re upset with your partner about something, give “So, what?” a try.

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…I am enjoying the fragrant sarcococca blossoming all over town, and I saw early-spring flowers starting to shoot up their first green leaves, so there!

This winter has been a long and hard one. If you’re having a hard time right now, don’t underestimate the power of darkness and bad weather. We’ve already gained more than an hour of daylight since winter solstice, but it’s still getting dark fairly early, and it’s not going to get a lot warmer before the end of February. If you’re feeling the winter blues, run outside on sunny days like today, warm up with a good cup of hot tea, and give yourself permission to react to the season. It’s natural to feel down as we wait for spring.

And don’t miss the sarcococca!

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