Permit me one more post–the fourth in a row!–on anxiety. And by anxiety I mean societal anxiety, the kind of anxiety that flows through the cultural air all around us. There’s a panic going on right now about the H1N1 virus, a.k.a. swine flu, and if you’ve had cable news on for more than 30 seconds you know that they’re making the most of it. It’s a great scare story.

And it’s really not something to worry about. Here’s a good blog that addresses the issue more responsibly (I think) than the CNN Cassandras. Like a lot of people I know, I’ve been washing my hands thoroughly, multiple times a day, for years, and when I’m sick, I stay home. There’s really no evidence that anyone with basic hygiene habits will be highly susceptible to the flu, and even if they contract it, they’re likely to recover soon.

So…take my advice: turn off cable news, wash your hands, and enjoy your day!

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Today my topic has been anxiety and the economy. I don’t know anyone who isn’t at least a little anxious about how things are going. For months we’ve been hearing about banks crashing, the auto industry failing, retirement accounts shrinking, and hundreds of thousands of jobs vanishing. And that’s not all. Two wars, climate change, global unrest, and…wait for it…swine flu!

All of this reminds me of a conversation I had the other week with my business coach, a woman who has built a small business herself and advises me well. I said something like, “I’m afraid of hearing what Tim Geithner has to say whenever I turn on the radio.” She looked at me blankly and said, “Tim Geithner? Who’s that?” She honestly didn’t know.

And maybe you don’t either. If not, that’s good! That means you’re not listening to too much bad economic news. My business coach helped me see that it’s a bad idea to be so plugged into the news cycles. It drives up anxiety. It distracts. It nags. Don’t do it! In her defense, she said she had heard of Tim Geithner. She wasn’t completely unplugged from our current economic crisis. But she had kept the main thrust of her energy elsewhere.

All of this reminded me of a college friend who liked to go on fasts–not food fasts, but news fasts, reading fasts, television fasts. “I’m not reading this week,” she’d say. No newspapers, magazines, books…nothing. “What about street signs?” I would tease. “Nope. Not even those,” she’d say, unflustered. (That’s easy enough: combine your reading fast with a driving fast, and you’re set.) Her purpose was to find out how much of her life was caught up in all of those things. It was always a large amount.

For me, I can’t go cold turkey. I can’t forget who Tim Geithner is, and inevitably, the next time I’m in the car, I’ll turn on NPR and listen to the latest crisis. But I might catch myself and turn it off just as quickly.

Give it a try. Unplug for a while and find out how anxious you’ve gotten by being so hyper-aware of our national anxiety. Tim Geithner will do fine without you, and you’ll do fine without him!

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Gene Robinson isn’t the only one with good advice during difficult times. Here’s a take from a Buddhist perspective. And coming up later today, a completely non-sectarian view!

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Whether or not you consider yourself a religious person, let alone a Christian, you might like the Rt. Rev. Gene Robinson. If his name rings a bell, it’s because you’ve heard news stories about his election and consecration as a bishop in the Episcopal Church. He’s controversial because he’s not only an openly gay man, he’s in a long-term committed relationship. Some folks in the Episcopal Church have been, well, I think the right word is apoplectic! (And some have welcomed him warmly.)

I met Bishop Robinson earlier this year, and I wasn’t surprised to discover that he’s a lot like everyone’s favorite uncle: kind, funny, soft-spoken, and an all-around good and honorable human being. And he has some experience with anxiety: at his consecration, he and his partner had to wear bullet-resistant vests! And ever since that day, he’s been a political lightning rod for angry and intolerant people. So I sat up and listened when he offered his thoughts about the anxiety that surrounds us these days, mostly due to the economic slump. I figured he had some credibility on the topic.

Here’s his speech. If his Christian language isn’t your thing, I encourage you to read his words with an ear for the themes that transcend his particular religious identity: what determines our human worth, what really matters in life, how this crisis can be an opportunity, and how–whether or not you have religious inclinations–it helps to look beyond yourself, take a deep breath, and allow the universe to unfold.

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I posted today in response to a reader’s question about his wife’s refusal to go to counseling, and I have a little more to say about it. Why is it that people resist counseling? They’re upset, angry, depressed, frustrated…why not go to someone and work it out?

There are a few reasons. Sometimes they’ve had counseling before, and it hasn’t helped. Or they feel hopeless about the situation. Or, deep down, they feel comfortable where they are right now, despite all the anguish, because at least they have a worked-out way of seeing their problems, and they know (consciously or not) that counseling might shake things up. As upset as they are, it would be more upsetting to change, to grow.

And here’s another reason: sometimes people resist counseling because they think the counselor will tell them that they’re wrong to feel what they feel. They’re afraid they’ll be accused of “being the problem,” when they know in their bones that it’s their spouse’s drinking problem, or their co-worker’s immaturity problem, or their boss’s anger problem. “I am not the problem,” they tell themselves. “So why would I need to go to counseling?”

Here’s my take on it: if you think you’re not the problem, and that’s why you don’t want to go to counseling, I agree with you…and I also disagree with you. First, I agree: it’s not your drinking problem, it’s hers. You’re the more mature co-worker, not him. And your boss is a jerk. Seriously, there are plenty of people in your life–and circumstances in your life–that are upsetting and problematic for reasons that have nothing to do with you. That’s why counseling always needs to include basic listening and empathy and understanding. Your counselor should be able to say (truthfully), “I hear you.”

And I also think that you are, let’s face it, the problem. Your spouse drinks too much? There are probably things you’re doing in response to her drinking that could stand some improvement. Your co-worker is driving you crazy? There are probably things you’re doing that make it easier for him to get under your skin. Your boss is a jerk? There are probably things you’re doing that get in your own way and make it hard for you to navigate that difficult relationship.

It’s normal to resist counseling for all of the reasons stated above, and particularly because counseling will eventually confront you with things you’d rather not face. And–truth be told–counseling is not always the answer for some of us. Resistance to it is normal and understandable. But it might be worth a try, and it might be well worth the discomfort and pain.

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I talk to a lot of people who wonder where all their time and energy goes. Sometimes I see them asking this question on (wait for it…) Facebook! Have you had the experience of going day after day, week after week, email after email, and wondering where your energy is going?

I like to think of it as a ‘juice’ problem. The juice of your life–your energy, your passion, your lifeblood–is easily diffused. You get up, start running around, and don’t stop until you collapse at the end of the day. Maybe you self-soothe with over-eating or over-drinking. Or maybe you don’t take enough time to stop, rest, and eat well at certain points in the day.

For me, it’s email that can soak up my juice, if I let it. After I got my iPhone, I fell into the habit of checking email several times a day. I started to drive myself crazy. So I’ve started a new practice of checking email only twice each day, and I’m finding out that I have a lot more energy, attention, and, well, juice in my life when I step off the frantic Email Express.

Another tip: whatever you do that renews you, whether it’s rest, reading, working out, eating a healthy meal, or meditating, it helps to do it at about the same time each day. Try to reduce the noise, schedule the renewal, and take the time to savor your life. You’ll be amazed at how much ‘juice’ you have!

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One of my favorite quotations is this by David Schnarch: “Only the best in us can talk about the worst in us, because the worst in us lies about its own existence.”

Let that sink in a little. You might have to read it a couple of times to fully receive it.

What’s the best in you? It’s your noblest self, your strongest self. It’s the part of you that is courageous, honest, even heroic. It’s the you that you’d want people to talk about at your funeral! “She was fearless,” you can hear them saying. Or, “He was true, and truthful, and trustworthy…” It’s the part of you that stands up in the midst of a fight and rises above your own petty vengefulness. It’s the part of you that challenges your partner to be a better woman, a better man.

And what’s the worst in you? It’s your smallness, your pettiness. It’s your self-centeredness, your weakness…and your anxious desire to protect your weakness from the strengths of others. It’s the part of you that you’re not proud of, that you try to deny, that you try to conceal.

When counseling–individual counseling or couples counseling, it doesn’t matter–when counseling is helping you most, it is challenging you to look your worst self squarely in the face, and, using the voice of your best self, acknowledge that weak part of you, that part of you that needs to die for you to live your best life.

Does it sound scary? I’ll guess that it does. But this is the only way–if you ask me–to find happiness and ecstasy in your life, and in your relationships.

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Here’s something I had forgotten: grief includes a spell of magical thinking. I’m sorry to say that our Hoshi died this past Monday (which explains why I’ve had so few posts this week), and once again I found myself thinking thoughts like, “Oh, if I hadn’t written about it, it wouldn’t have happened!” Or, “Oh, my failure to pay attention to him on Sunday afternoon led to his final downturn!”

This is normal…and it’s about love. It’s natural to be plagued with regret and guilt. And it’s natural to think that you somehow caused the death of the being you love. Why? I think it’s because these deaths are, in a word, outrageous. Hoshi died? Really? Seriously?? It’s an outrage. He was an innocent little dog. He knew from the beginning that his “big sister” Stella was the alpha in our home, and he delighted in being the younger sibling. (I use quotes because Stella is actually Hoshi’s older second cousin.) Hoshi was different than most Shibas: he didn’t have a dark side. He was all sunlight, all frolic. His death is awful because–in my humble opinion–creatures like Hoshi should be immortal. So when they die, it’s only natural for us to think up some reason for the death. Surely it was avoidable, and surely there is some logic to it. I just can’t accept that on this planet, we live in the midst of death.

So be kind to yourself if you’re slipping into magical thinking, regrets, guilt. It’s one way you show your deep love for your beloved who has died.

For more on this, check out this great book:

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Long ago, almost thirteen years ago, I learned for the first time (but surely not the last) that the loss of someone you love just hurts. It really hurts. And there’s nothing you can do to prepare for it. Sometimes you’ll get a call–a terrible, life-changing call–from a police officer who tells you that your beloved died suddenly in an accident. I haven’t experienced that. Other times, you have two, three years to prepare for the death of someone you love. And here’s what I’ve found out: all that prep time doesn’t really help.

About a year ago I posted about our younger dog, Hoshi. Though I don’t talk about myself too much on this blog, I make exceptions when the personal issue I’m facing is a universal one, an issue that almost everyone faces. Hoshi fits the bill: he’s a little dog, not yet three, who was diagnosed at eight weeks with a terrifying heart condition, and given a life expectancy of 2-3 years. He’ll be three this June.

Recently, Hoshi has taken a turn for the worse. He was hospitalized for a night because he developed edema which severely inhibited his breathing, and even now, after many tests and new prescriptions, he is underweight, easily fatigued, and not really back on track. His personality and appetite are both intact, so for now we are in a semi-stable position. But if either one of those life signs go away, we will be faced with the harrowing Ultimate Conversation that pet owners inevitably have with their veterinarians.

And wouldn’t you know it, I have learned nothing from my past experiences with grief and loss. I find myself trying to prepare for what’s coming, as if I could. I tell myself that if I spend time with Hoshi, hold him, play with him, stay with him, my grief will sting less when his time comes. But I know this is a delusion. I am bracing for impact, but I know that it’s not going to work. When Hoshi departs from our household, it will be wrenching. It will be awful.

We try to bargain with…with what? God? Maybe. Or we bargain with ourselves, or with the person/creature we love who is dying. We try to prepare ourselves for the dark day when that person/creature–that lovely being–will depart from our midst. But it’s no good. Bracing for impact doesn’t work.

And it shouldn’t. As hard as it is, grief is the price we pay for love and intimacy (h/t to Bob Deits). As awful as it will be, I do not want to avoid my grief for this little dog. I want his delightful self to exact its full price on my heart and soul. And I mean it! My grief will deepen my appreciation for the color and joy and frivolity that he gave me, simply by being his full and wonderful self in my life.

So…if someone you know is facing death, it’s natural for you to try to prepare, to brace for impact. And though it’s a futile effort, that’s one way you show your love. It is an expression of your best self, your true self. And then, when that dark day dawns, you will be hurt. It happens to all of us. But I think you and I can agree on something:

It’s really, really worth it!!

Hoshi

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Has anyone ever recommended that you read a self-help book? Sometimes counselors do this–sometimes I do this–and often enough it’s a good idea. But most of the time clients will come back to me and apologize for not buying the book, or buying it but not reading it, or not finding it helpful. They think that I will be upset with them, or offended. But what I’m really doing is slapping my own hand for not explaining well enough my attitude and beliefs about self-help books. If I had done that, they would not be apologizing for the way they took (or didn’t take) my advice.

Here’s my take on self-help books: they are reference works, not novels. You might not need large sections of some of them. You may only be helped by chapter six, or a story in chapter nine, or a reference to a completely different book that fits you better. So if I recommend a book to you, don’t buy it right away. You could even just ignore me entirely! But if you’re really curious, then browse through the first few pages of the book on Amazon and see what you think. If the chapter titles and first few pages of text interest you, then by all means jump in. But if you get the book and start reading it, I encourage you to follow this method:

1. Start by opening the book to any page. This is not magical thinking: I do not believe that you will mysteriously turn to the page that is just right for you. I just mean that you would do well to resist the impulse to read the book from start to finish. If you open the book to any page and find yourself drawn into the ideas and insights, then follow those instincts and delve more deeply into the book. If not, then try another page, another chapter, or go back to the table of contents and see if there’s something that grabs you. I suggest this because it’s all too easy to think you have to start at the beginning, and then you get bogged down, frustrated, and tired–you end up only reading the first 20-30 pages, and you’re discouraged. Don’t take the book that seriously.

2. Fight with the book! It’s not Gospel. If you disagree, reflect on that, use it, learn from it. Self-help books are meant to encourage and motivate you, but if instead they just irritate or upset you, there’s learning in that, too. Bring it back to our next session and tell me the book is crap! I would love that discussion. Believe me, I am not married to the books I recommend. My very favorite books about relationships contain lots of things that bother me. That’s part of what makes them useful.

3. If you like what you’re reading but find yourself resisting it nonetheless–you love the book, but somehow never find time to sit with it–consider the possibility that the book is raising up something important within you, something that is upsetting…and well worth exploring. Your resistance makes sense, and is something you might want to reflect on. A few years ago, it took me a long time to read a certain book on relationships because the book hit so close to home. Notice your resistance and wrestle with it.

4. It’s worth saying again: feel free to ignore the book (and my advice) entirely. It’s always, always optional. Your counseling work is just that, yours. It helps you to challenge me when you feel a certain book–or a certain idea I’ve fallen in love with–is not helping you. When we talk about that, we’re almost certain to move on to something that really motivates you to change and grow.

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