The other day I posted about an advice columnist who addressed the issue of thank-you cards: should we expect them when we give gifts? Should we tell someone that their failure to write one was offensive?

So I smiled when I saw this cartoon (below). As a dog lover, I can understand the sentiment–if not the practicality–of giving your inheritance to a dog. In any case, it never hurts to stay in touch with those you love.

Here’s to a good Friday with cooler temperatures!

(Oh, and to see the image in a larger format, just click on it.)

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How I love air-conditioning! I’m camped out in my office, reflecting on the blessing and gift of AC. And yes, I understand the terrible irony of it: air-conditioning puts carbon in the atmosphere, which leads to global warming, which leads to wacky weather that plagues the Northwest with desert temperatures, the Southeast with drought, and the Northeast with floods. Ideally we humans will figure out how to cool ourselves–and transport ourselves, and warm ourselves, and everything else we do–without making the whole situation worse. But for now, I hope you can understand that I’m choosing to enjoy a few hours of AC.

If you’re interested in my take on the ethics involved, read further.

(more…)

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We’re in the–what is it now?–fourth or fifth day of the heat wave? Or is it ten or twelve? I know it hasn’t rained properly for three months. Yesterday it was at least 97 degrees, if not higher in some places. My household has been camping out in the basement at night. The dogs go on shorter walks, much earlier in the morning. Lots of ice cubes in their water dishes. And still–it’s way too hot.

I have relatives in Arizona, and I wonder if they would laugh at this. 97 degrees?! That’s spring weather, right? And my relatives in Minnesota would point out that they have 90-degree weather at some point every summer, and lots of humidity to boot.

I don’t care. It’s really hard for Seattlites to handle extreme weather. We don’t have enough air conditioners, or snow plows. Most of us moved here because we enjoy temperate weather. And if you think we’re wimps, I would only introduce you to Arizonans and Minnesotans who can’t endure the Seattle rain. It’s always hard to deal with something that’s both uncomfortable and unfamiliar.

On top of the weather–or is it because of the weather?–there seem to have been a few more crime stories in the last few days. Three murders, one of them about a mile from my house. And a disturbing story of cruelty that really threw me. I’m not the type to panic when a string of stories like these come out, and I know that awful things happen when the weather is nice. But I do have a sense that the city is really feeling strung out right now. Tempers are short, and it really, really is *hot*.

All of which leads to this advice: don’t push yourself too hard this week. Take the weather seriously. If you don’t live in air-conditioning, take advantage of it whenever you can. Wear lots of sunscreen. And above all, drink lots of water! For Seattlites, 97 degrees is really awful. It’s something that can lead to injury–even tragedy. Be careful out there!

P.S. My office is air-conditioned! Come on in for a session!

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There are at least two reasons not to write this post. The first is that it’s dorky, the second that I’m completely dating myself! But here I go anyway.

Clients often come in for their second or third session and say, “I didn’t really work on what we talked about last week,” or, “We waited to bring this to you because we don’t feel we can address it without a neutral third party.” Other times, usually near the end of the session, they’ll say, “This is great, but I’m afraid I’ll forget it all again when I walk out that door.”

This is common enough that I think it means I need to make some changes in how I do counseling, what I say, and how we all follow up with each other from session to session. So now I encourage clients to bring a notebook (if that works for them), write in their journal after the session, or call me between sessions if they forget what we talked about, or lose momentum and motivation.

And for some crazy reason, the metaphor I struck upon was Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In, that old comedy show from the seventies. If you haven’t had the pleasure, here’s a quick example of their schtick. A bunch of people (resplendent in seventies clothing!) dances to disco music, and every few seconds the music stops, the camera zooms in, and somebody tells a joke. Then the music and dancing start up again, and a few seconds later they do it all over again.

This is what therapy can be like, if we don’t pay attention to it. All week long you dance to the music, then you come in, we talk, we gain insight, we plan practical solutions, we cover important topics, you leave my office, and the music starts up again… another week of dancing, and you can hardly remember what we talked about.

My goal is to help therapy be an organic part of your life–for as long as you feel you need it, that is. I don’t want it to be an odd thing you do once every seven days that has little or no connection to the rest of your life. So let’s work together to be sure your counseling is helping you all week long.

(See, I told you it was a dorky example!)

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Most of the time, this blog is distinct from my Couples blog. But often enough the issues overlap, and this is one of those times. Couples often think that they have communication problems, but in fact it’s courage that they’re searching for. Click here to read more about courage, and think about it in all the areas of your life. How can you be more courageous in your workplace? With your friends? And with your partner?

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These days, I mostly work with adult individuals and couples. But I occasionally work with adolescents, and often I work with parents who are grappling with the adventures (and misadventures) of their children. And one bumper-sticker phrase I like to use in my work with them is, “You’re not raising kids. You’re raising adults.”

What I mean is, you’re raising your son or daughter to be an adult, not a child. So limit-setting, boundaries, the occasional “no” answer, and (maybe most painfully) exposure to the difficult, dangerous world is all part of normal human growth and development. It’s natural to want to protect your child from the world–to create an ideal environment, a lock-and-key universe that prevents all bad things from happening to your child, everything from inappropriate TV shows to unkind neighbors to summer camp. And it’s also natural to fear that when something bad does happen to your child, your child is permanently damaged by the trauma. Sometimes the damage can be severe, but most of the time the bumps and bruises of life are essential for the developing human in your care to become a functional adult.

So if you as a parent are afflicted by this kind of anxiety, take a deep breath. Remember that you’re raising a child to become an adult, and therefore the young person in your care is an adult-in-progress, an adult-under-construction. Do all you can to provide safety, security, and a generally right-side-up world. But don’t sweat it. When things go haywire, that’s often enough a key dimension of your child’s developing story as a resilient, competent adult.

And because it’s Friday, sunny, and summertime, I’ll close in a silly way. Right now I’m not raising a human child, but rather a dog who currently happens to be a 12-week-old puppy. And today I thought to myself, “I’m raising a dog, not a puppy,” because today Hoku’s ears started sticking up permanently (or semi-permanently… they still flop down now and again). It’s one of those tiny little losses you suffer. No more floppy ears! But it feels right all the same. We’re raising an adult dog, and he’ll need strong, alert ears! Click on the photo for a closer look, and happy Friday.

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Relationship counseling may be the furthest thing from your mind this Saturday, what with all the sunshine and the holiday weekend! But if you need it, I’ll be here, and because it’s a holiday I have a couple of openings. Either way, enjoy the perfect weather!

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