I try not to be completely serious on this blog, even though (and perhaps because) the work I do is quite serious. So without further ado, let’s talk about my puppy dogs! Hoku’ala is nearly 19 weeks old now–old enough that counting his age in weeks is getting a little silly. It’s easier to understand that he’s 4-1/2 months old. We thought he was going to be a red sesame Shiba, but over the past few weeks nearly all of his dark fur has given way to the same beautiful red color of Stella, our older Shiba.

Hoku is (like all dogs) his own personality, his own presence, in the house. At the same time, my fear that he would have a much darker personality than Hoshi (who died in April) was unfounded. In short, Hoku is a hoot. Highly friendly, energetic, sweet…and yes, I know he’s still a puppy, but Stella was this way when she was a pup, and she’s pretty great.

In contrast to Hoshi, who suffered heart disease, Hoku is growing pretty big, and he’s a bit more headstrong. We’re pretty sure it’s because he can afford it: unburdened by a physical setback, he can be a lot more feisty. In the picture below, he’s sitting on Stella’s throne–sorry, the front loveseat–while she suns herself in the backyard. Very daring of him!

Stella, for her part, seems to be enjoying Hoku’ala, even though she had a lovely quiet two months between Hoshi’s departure and Hoku’s arrival. At first, from Stella’s point of view, Hoku was just an annoying puppy. But now he’s her annoying puppy!

Enjoy the photo (and click on it for a better view), and if you have animals in your life, enjoy them too! Happy Friday.

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Maybe you’ve heard about “should statements,” and that they’re bad. “Should statements” are a problem when you are either beating up on yourself or demanding compliance from another person. “I shouldn’t be so emotional,” you tell yourself, even though your sadness makes a whole lot of sense and you need to cry it out. “He should support me,” you say about your partner, even though you know that in any free-choice relationship, it’s best if support is offered and appreciated, not required.

“Should statements” are sometimes called “negative thoughts” in certain forms of cognitive-behavioral therapy. And yes, like a lot of counselors, I’m trained to notice them when they fly by me in the therapy office. Whoa, what’s that? I ask myself. And sometimes I’ll challenge the client about it.

Other times, I’ll go with it. “Should” is not always a dirty word. If you’re asking yourself a “should” question that has to do with values, ethics, your sense of right and wrong–well, I might help you out. “Should I expect my partner to be honest when I’m hiding important information from her?” “Should I expect my partner to commit to me when I’m being so ambivalent?” These “should” questions sound pretty rhetorical–the answer is probably no. But others are more complicated. “Should I tell my partner I had an affair now that it’s over?” That’s a good one. The answer is not necessarily “yes.”

I’m all for the idea that you should “stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself” (even though I had to say “should” to endorse that idea!). But when I sense that you are consulting with your own conscience about a situation with ethical and moral implications, then I’m proud to include “should” in our vocabulary.

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I’m feeling a little curmudgeonly today, so I want to talk about the pop-culture use of the word “schizophrenic.” To borrow a phrase from someone I admire and respect, I want to say this to our whole culture: “You keep using this word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.”

If you hold opposite beliefs, or do contradictory things, you are not being “schizophrenic.” If you’re a Gemini who loves a great joke but also has a serious side, you are not “schizophrenic.” If you have a taste for both country music and Chopin, you are not “schizophrenic.” The appropriate disease metaphor would be “dissociative-identity disorder,” formerly known as “multiple-personality disorder.” (But then, is it really appropriate to use these serious illnesses as metaphors for ordinary contradictory behaviors?)

Here ends my rant. (And I’m actually in a fairly good mood!) It’s just something that has rankled me for years and years.

UPDATE: A friend tells me that the #2 definition of ‘schizophrenia’ in Webster’s Dictionary is, “noun: the presence of mutually contradictory or antagonistic parts or qualities.” Okay, well, I think they put that in there because people have used the word this way so much that this definition has finally gained official sanction. I see it’s definition #2, though, so I stand by my opinion. (But thanks for the tip, N.!)

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I get this question a lot. People talk about their needs, their desires, their longings, and then they wonder if they’re being selfish. Short answer: no.

But let’s unpack this a little bit.

Imagine you and your friend (or partner, or sibling, or…whoever) are sitting in a room, and in the middle of the room is a table. On the table is a plate. On the plate is a chocolate-chip cookie. Just one. Both of you want the cookie. Both of you long for the cookie! Is that selfish?

No. It’s not selfish to want things. It’s not selfish to see something (or someone) that attracts you, and want to have it, or be with him. Selfishness comes into play when you don’t care at all about the other person’s wants. You want the cookie? That’s fine. But if your partner also wants the cookie, it’s selfish not to appreciate that fact, to take it into account.

Here’s how this works in relationships. Let’s say you want to have a deeper, better sex life with your partner. You know (or think you know) that your partner doesn’t want this. But you also are well aware of your own passions, your desires, your longing for a better sexual relationship with your partner. Is this selfish? No. It’s only selfish if you care not one bit about your partner and what s/he wants.

But here’s where it gets complicated. If you ask me, it is not selfish to invite your partner to come toward you, to accommodate your need or desire. It is not selfish to tell your partner what you want, and be clear about it–even assertive about it! Selfishness comes into play when you’re being aggressive, when you’re bullying your partner. You’re being selfish when you just don’t care what your partner wants. But it’s okay to get in touch with your own desires and then communicate them clearly to your partner. It’s even okay (and not selfish!) to tell your partner that this is a deal-breaker, that it’s truly important to you.

Are you being selfish? If you’re asking yourself this question, chances are you’re not as selfish as you think. Take some time to think about what you really want, what you think your partner wants, and where you want to take the relationship. And then–go for it. Will it go well? Maybe, maybe not. But you’re not being selfish if you’re thinking about both of you while you pursue the fulfilling relationship you so deeply desire.

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Like everyone, there are lots of characteristics, cultural artifacts, and experiences that are deeply familiar to me. I know what it’s like to be male, to be a sibling in a large family, to have a dog companion throughout his life, to watch a parent die. But then there are things that are wholly outside my experience. I am not female, let alone pregnant, let alone the biological mother of a child I delivered naturally. I mention all of this because it’s a big reason why I read this blog. (Another reason is that the blog is hilarious.)

In her latest entry, Heather Armstrong concluded her long (three-part) story of the birth of their second child. She’s a great storyteller, and she opens up for me a world that I don’t know. Reading the story of someone else–someone radically different (female, mother) yet also similar (same language, similar U.S. culture, and, well, human!) doesn’t just make me a better therapist. It reminds me that I’m just one person in a world of breathtaking diversity and beauty.

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Let’s talk about hopelessness.

First, let me say that if I had to guess, you don’t think you suffer from it. And perhaps you don’t. But I like to think of hopelessness as a continuum. On one end (the dark end), you feel despair. On the other end (the lighter end), you feel discouraged.

Discouragement can really get in your way. It usually does this by hanging around on the edge of your life, outside of your conscious knowledge. You may have lots of discouraging beliefs operating right now: you don’t believe your partner can change, to take one example. Or you’ve gone up and down with your weight, and you doubt very much that you will ever get a handle on it. Or you are discouraged about work, or your career, and deep down you really don’t believe you can make transforming changes in your vocation.

That’s why I think that in counseling, I’m working on two problems (at minimum): the problem clients talk about, and the discouragement they feel about it.

Let’s work with one of the examples. Let’s say you’re discouraged about your career. You feel stuck in your job, dissatisfied, even trapped. Your boss doesn’t appreciate you, or you have a dysfunctional co-worker, or both. Maybe you suffer from the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished Syndrome–you work hard and you work well, and you’re rewarded with more work, more tedious tasks.

In our work together, I would encourage you to talk this out, first of all. Let’s get at your feelings about this, and let you vent for a while. This is an important step. I want to understand what’s going on in your work life, and I want you to have a chance to talk about it freely. Sing your lament! (Seriously.) Then, we’ll start talking about solutions, beginning with what you’ve already tried, but also exploring some new strategies you might not have considered.

And then I’ll ask you about your discouragement. It makes sense that you feel discouraged. It’s perfectly rational. The situation is tough, and that’s no joke. But is your discouragement getting in your way? Are you convincing yourself that you’ll fail before you’ve really tried to make substantive changes? If you’re like most people, the answer is yes. Discouragement flows freely through most people’s lives, and through our culture.

I think discouragement is everywhere because we humans are hard-wired to expect that the world will be the same today as it was yesterday, and the same tomorrow as it was today. We don’t expect monumental change. I think it’s related to our evolution as a species. We evolved to create–and expect–a stable world, a world that makes sense. Change is not only hard. It’s also something in which we don’t have a lot of faith.

So at this point in our work together, I’ll start asking you questions about your discouragement. (I’ll assume you have at least a little bit of it!) One of my jobs with you is to cultivate hope in your life. I am here to encourage you. And I won’t do it in a shallow, silly way. I mean it sincerely: your life can change. You can even transform.

If you feel discouraged, I understand. I’ve felt that way myself. But I’ve seen people make substantial changes in their lives. I’ve seen people transform. I’m here to encourage you!

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