So. Here we go again. Thanksgiving, then the blur of the holiday season. I confess I like the holidays, mostly because I’ve figured out how to celebrate them in a way that works for me. Take, for instance, Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. You won’t find me camped out at 3:00 a.m., ready to trample the crowds just to get a new gizmo on discount. But I do like to take the bus into downtown Seattle and soak up all the energy. All the lights, the red coffee cups (yeah, I know they’re out already), the crush of music and crowds, the star on the Macy’s building. I’m a sucker for it all. (And I know how to hold my wallet close!)

As for Thanksgiving, other than being a lot more sensitive about animal rights than I used to be, I plan to celebrate it the usual way. But there’s one thing about Thanksgiving that usually leaves me cold: the part where people go around the table and say what they’re thankful for. I just don’t get into that very much.

It’s not that I’m not thankful. I really am. It’s just that it feels so forced, and so unnatural, to stop for two minutes on the fourth Thursday in November and remember that you didn’t create all the good things in your life by yourself, that there are other people to thank, or God or the universe to thank, for the gifts and glories in your life. If I wasn’t in tune with that over the course of the past year, then a little table talk is not going to resonate very deeply with me.

Here’s a better way: on Thanksgiving, take time to reflect on the way your whole life has been open to the gifts and grace of others. You know there have been some bad moments, or bad days, when you were decidedly not thankful, not open. But surely there have been moments over the last year when you’ve been oriented outward. For example, you could reflect on how you’ve grown and changed in your relationship over the past year, and how the two of you have made so much progress in your lives together. Or you could reflect on how, when you suffered a big loss this year, not only did your family and friends rally around you, but you had something to offer them too. Or—just to take one more example—you could reflect on the gift of new life you’ve received, whether it’s a child, or a pet, or a new job, or (fill in the blank), and how, in response to that gift, you have opened yourself up to receive this gift with grace.

If you approach Thanksgiving this way, it’s a lot more satisfying then the traditional method of “Oh, right. How easily I forget. Thanks!” Instead, it’s a way for you to celebrate how you already have been living in a spirit of thankfulness. And it allows you to gracefully accept the thanks of others for the gifts you’ve given them over the past year.

On Thanksgiving, ask yourself this question: how have I lived a thankful life, with an open mind and open heart, over the past year?

And then dig into the stuffing.

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For a long time I worked primarily as a child-and-family therapist, mostly in South King County, but also in Puyallup and Tacoma. These days I’m primarily a couples therapist, though I also work with individuals (and love to do so!). I made the switch for a few reasons, and one of them was that I am not a parent. This hasn’t been a game-changing problem for me, because I know a lot of children (I have, let’s see, twenty-one nieces and nephews!), I have been a child myself, and I certainly have a lot of personal grounding as a member of a family. (Two families!) But I felt some genuine tension about being a child/family therapist and not being a parent. I felt that there were times when my resonance with parents wasn’t all it could be. Since I’m a member of a couple (ten years and counting), my resonance with couples is deep and broad.

Having said all that, I’ve experienced “resonance” (I’m using air quotes because I don’t know exactly what I mean when I use that word) in a deep, broad way recently with a couple of new parents, friends of mine who adopted a baby last week. Here’s their website.

Basically, I’m just thrilled. This is the first time I’ve had such an up-close view of an adopted-baby experience, and I’m surprised at my strong feelings about it. My friends have had a long journey in their quest to become parents, and just recently suffered a significant setback (the baby they thought was theirs turned out not to be), and now I receive photos of the new baby and just stare at them, taking in every detail.

I love my nieces and nephews, and since, oh, 1989, I’ve held them, received pictures of them, hung out with them, and (even though I live across the country) tried to savor their delightful lives as much as I can. And yet, this time, there’s an added whattayacallit, a mysterious something that’s going in inside me. Maybe it’s that the process was so different–and challenging in such different ways–that captures my imagination. Maybe it’s my unique friendship with these people (especially mom). Whatever it is, this is a fun ride.

I invite you to take a moment to reflect on new life in your life. Sometimes it’s surprising–it catches you off guard with a wave of delight you never expected. Other times it’s just sweet, or deeply satisfying, or quietly pleasant. But how is new life emerging for you? Especially this time of year, when our natural surroundings are darkening and dying?

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I’ve posted before on clutter, and just ran across another great take on it. There’s plenty of clutter in my house, and I know—I don’t just believe it, I know—that it has an effect on my overall sense of well-being. So before I tackle the next pile of stuff, I thought I’d pass this along to you. Enjoy, and happy downsizing!

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I don’t like fundamentalists, and I suppose that’s no surprise since I live and work in Seattle. But it’s not just religious fundamentalists who turn me off. I don’t like fundamentalists on the political right who harrass moderates and refuse to work seriously on the problems ordinary people face. And I also don’t like fundamentalists on the political left who insist on their own perfect health-reform bill (for example) and reject any compromise.

I also dislike fundamentalists in the world of emotional health, relationships, and therapy. Here’s what I mean:

—If you have trouble sticking up for yourself and asserting for what you want, I want to challenge you to get better at that. But you don’t have to be assertive 100% of the time. Sometimes (in my book) it’s perfectly fine for you to expect the other person to come to you.

—If you have trouble managing your emotions by yourself, or holding onto yourself when you’re upset or in conflict with your partner, I want to challenge you to get better at that. But then there are times when it’s perfectly fine to sob in your partner’s arms…and be upset when your partner isn’t there for you!

—If you have problems controlling your anger, and your anger is preventing you from being emotionally close to others (or causing other problems in your life), I want to challenge you to get better at working with your anger. But then there are times when you blow your stack, and you know what? That’s okay. Sometimes the universe can just deal with your tantrum!

What I’m trying to say here is that even though it’s up to us to work on our issues, get better at handling our emotions, and improve our ability to choose the lives we want to live, sometimes we just come unglued, or have a bad hair day, and that’s okay. Too often I’ve worked with clients who try to be purists—or fundamentalists—about their personal growth. And sometimes (alas) I can come across as a therapist who expects you to be 100% successful at your goals. Let’s avoid that trap. If you lose your cool, okay, so you lost your cool. If you just need a shoulder to cry on, then by all means find one and lean in. There will always be ways for you to return to your goals and personal growth!

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