I recently read a great article that talks about the psychological idea that a single human being’s mind is made up of multiple ‘selves,’ and that one of these selves–the Self with a capital S, if you want to say it that way–is the Person herself, the executive, the one who stands within the person’s core essence. This Self is reflective, thoughtful, and insightful about her life experiences. This is the Self that eats right and exercises, gets her work done before playing, and pays attention to the relationships and activities of her life that are the most nourishing and life-giving for her. Except during the times when one of the lesser selves is running things.

Her Self may be in charge, let’s say, when she eats right all day. But when she comes home, feeling exhausted and frazzled, one of her lesser selves reaches for snack food, or too much wine. Then, in the morning, her Self is back in charge, and feeling frustrated. “Why did I overeat last night?!” she wonders with exasperation. Except she didn’t overeat…or at least She didn’t. It was one of her lesser selves that took over.

The article I linked to above talks about ways people can use ‘self-binding’ techniques to gain control over the lesser selves. There are several examples that probably sound familiar to you: using a buddy system when you go out so that you don’t binge-drink; identifying triggers of unwanted behavior and making a plan to respond to them; or creative ideas like giving your lesser self false information so that she can’t betray you later on (such as setting your clocks ahead ten minutes so that your chronically-late lesser self can’t make You late).

But here’s a fun one. Our friend above–the one who overeats in the evening–would go online and set up a contract with herself to eat right and reach a weight-loss goal. And here’s the interesting twist: she would commit to giving money to a charity she despises if she fails to meet her goal. If she doesn’t lose a pound a week, she gives $20 to the NRA.

I wonder if it seems odd for a nice, kind therapist like me to like this! It seems negative, and maybe weird. And maybe it is. But I think it’s also quite creative and insightful: her best Self would never, ever give money to the loathsome NRA. Not even her lesser selves would do that. But her lesser selves betray her best interests in all kinds of other ways, and this is a way to say to them, “Your needs and wishes are not my needs and wishes. You do not live how I want to live. And I’m willing to put money where my mouth is.” It’s a powerful way to take command of one’s life, particularly if you approach it creatively, with positive energy and a thoughtful attitude.

Oh–and here’s a link to a website that talks about this in a different–and much more nuanced–way. This approach–Internal Family Systems therapy, by Richard Schwartz–has helped a great many people. Dr. Schwartz is trained (like me) in systems therapy, and I’d be happy to talk with you about his approach.

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I like to joke about what I call ‘Therapyland,’ the world of self-help, self-care, and self-confrontation that I live and work in. Therapyland–like all cultures–has a language: ‘differentiation‘ is a good example of a Therapyland word that most normal, non-Therapyland people don’t use.

Here’s another one: ‘integrity.’ This is a word that is used by normal people–not just counselors like me. And it usually means what you think it means: to have integrity is to be honorable, trustworthy, reliable, a generally good and honest person. But in Therapyland, I think there’s a second shade of meaning to this word.

In my work with clients, I talk about ‘integrity’ as holding yourself together, or to say it metaphorically, having all your ducks in a row. If you have low integrity, you might be a very honest person–a trustworthy person–but you’re making big mistakes in your relationship, or you’re falling under the weight of an addiction, or you’re having a horrible time working through your grief years after losing someone, or you’re still deeply resentful about a wound or insult you suffered long ago… In all of these examples, the problem is an integration/integrity problem: you haven’t integrated something into your life, or into your self.

For example, I will never “get over” my mother’s death thirteen years ago, if “getting over it” means being totally fine with it and unaware or unconcerned about that loss. But I have integrated it: I am not preoccupied with it to the point where I can’t function, or even (God rest her!) preoccupied with it at all. Sometimes I’m reminded of it and get emotional, but that’s normal–even wonderful. But I’m able to walk on this planet and interact with other human beings without that wound staying open, and bleeding. In this dimension of my life, I have integrity.

Sometimes having ‘low integrity’ is appropriate. When my mother died, I had plenty of ‘low integrity’ in the following weeks and months. That’s supposed to happen. Sometimes we’re supposed to fall apart. But at some point the developmental task we face is to integrate that upsetting event–or that challenging relationship behavior, or that problem we have with substance use–into our life. We’re supposed to get that duck in line with all the others.

How are you working on ‘integrity’ these days?

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If you’ve had trouble navigating my site lately, it’s because I’ve been making some changes to both content and layout, and also moved the site to a new server. Things should be smoother going forward, and thanks for your patience.

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I’ve changed the way you can schedule appointments with me on my website. Simply go here to fill out a quick appointment-request form, and I’ll get right back to you with a session confirmation. See you soon!

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I admit it: I make fair-weather fans look like die-hards. I just don’t get excited about football. To be brutally honest, I don’t really know how to play it. (What’s a down? What’s a turnover? Sorry, but I am a football nonentity.) But for ten minutes every other year or so, I get excited. And I just had a fun ten minutes. Who dat?!

I think I am glad the Saints won mostly because I went to New Orleans last year and hold the city in a special place in my heart. And of course I love it whenever underdogs win. I’m not completely okay with this, though, since I’m from Minnesota and the Saints beat the Vikes the other week. But…this is good. Congratulations, New Orleans! You aren’t the Ain’ts anymore.

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Sometimes I wonder if I drive my clients crazy. I wonder this because I keep pushing them on one point in particular: that the suffering they’re experiencing has to do with a task or challenge of their own—that it is their problem, not their partner’s, or child’s, or co-workers.

This doesn’t always go over well.

For one thing, their partner, child, or co-worker presents some pretty bad behavior. And I don’t deny this. “Yes, he was acting childish,” I might say. “No, she wasn’t being reasonable.” “Yes, that’s inappropriate for someone to say in the workplace.” But then I ask this question: “How is your reaction to what they did problematic?” Maybe you’re getting caught up in the other person’s neuroses because you haven’t yet learned how to cultivate healthy detachment in your relationships. Or maybe you’re reacting to their anger, or their anxiety, in ways that you did when you were much younger…and you’re still struggling to learn how to get some healthy perspective. Or maybe they’re saying or doing something that touches a nerve in you, reminds you of your own neurotic stuff. (You don’t have neurotic stuff? Wow! Cause I do, and everyone I know does!)

I run the risk of sounding like a broken record because, to be honest, I’ve always found it valuable in my own personal work to focus on how my problem is my own, despite the crazy shit going on in the other person (to borrow a technical term).

So if you choose to work with me, I will challenge you in this way. But I can also tell you this: if you confront your problem as your problem, you will be pleasantly surprised by how much better you feel. You really will be a better person.

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