I’ve recently been contacted by a number of prospective clients, and several of them asked me how many sessions they can expect to have if they work with me. This is a common question, and a good one: it’s important to have an idea of what you’re getting into when you hire a therapist.

I typically offer this response: it’s hard to say, but we’ll probably meet several times, depending on what you’re working on. Some people only need two or three sessions, and others like to meet with their therapist regularly for years. And then there’s the broad middle—the large group of people who need a dozen or so appointments before they determine that they’re ready to stop.

This seemed too vague, so I did some calculations. I added up the number of sessions I’ve done since I started my practice in September 2007 and divided it by the number of clients I’ve seen. The result: the average client sees me about nine times. Depending on who you are, that’s either a too-small or too-large number. If it seems too small, don’t worry: I have several great clients who see me regularly over a long period of time. And if it seems too large, don’t worry: I’ve gotten positive feedback from clients who experienced significant change in as few as one or two sessions.

Is this still too vague? Perhaps. I can crunch the numbers a bit more. But if you’re wondering how long you might have to work with me, it’s probably safe to assume that you’ll see me a couple of times and have a much better idea of what you’re interested in doing, and roughly how long you might want to be my client.

Finally, I can speak from my own experience. As a therapist, I think it’s essential that I do the work of therapy myself, and I’ve been working with a therapist since May of 2006. These days we meet every other week, though in the first couple of years it was a weekly arrangement. I find my time with her invaluable. It keeps me mindful of what it feels like to be on the “receiving end” of a counseling session, and she challenges me to stay sharp in my ongoing development in both my personal and professional life. Expensive? Well, I suppose. But so are cell phones. For me, it’s money well spent.

How many sessions do you need? It’s hard to say, but you’ll have a lot more insight on this question fairly early in our work together.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Sometimes all the words and ideas and methods of counseling just don’t cut it, and all you can do is be there for another person who is going through a hard time. I was reminded of this today when a client told me that the inspirational quotation I had on my whiteboard in the office was annoying her. So I quickly changed it, as you can see below. “Much better!” my client said.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

I don’t do this too often – seems like horn-tooting, I guess – but I got a piece of positive feedback from a client* recently and thought I’d share it here. It’s always gratifying to hear that my work is making a difference! Here’s the comment -

“Stephen, I think you do amazing work, as you quickly and effectively got J. and me through the biggest challenge in our relationship. We were miserable and on the verge of breaking up in early January, but now we really are better than ever. And we’ve learned a lot about ourselves along the way.”

*The client has given me permission to publish this comment.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

I’m hoping to facilitate a discussion on this blog about GLBT culture, and particularly the cultural assumptions, beliefs, hopes, and fears of gay men on the topic of intimacy. By ‘intimacy’ I mean both physical and emotional, and yes, sometimes the physical is sexual, but my main question is this: how difficult is it for the gay men you know (or for you, if you’re a gay man) to be held by your partner, to be emotionally available to your partner, and above all, to ask your partner for intimacy?

I’ll contribute insights to the discussion from gay men and others in my field who study the issue, and of course I can share my own experiences, both as a therapist and as a person who, like you, needs intimacy with others to survive. For now, I’ll start with a basic assumption to give some shape to the discussion: many, many gay men I know (and read about) are—what’s the word?—skittish, I guess, about inviting their boyfriend or partner into a more intimate relationship. In the first stages of the relationship, it can be almost comically awkward. “If I tell him I want him to hold me, he’ll think I’m needy. He’ll think I’m smothering him,” said one friend. In your experience, is this typical for the gay men you know? And if so, why do you think that is?

Some of the answers are probably pretty obvious. Gay men are socialized as men—and in our dominant culture, men are not rewarded for being emotionally available, generally speaking. And gay men suffer the added pressure of being a marginalized group: their development from boyhood to manhood is deeply complicated by their sexual orientation. You have to be tough to be gay. And so when it comes to dating, co-habitating, and cultivating a relationship, it makes a lot of common sense that gay men are slow to open up.

But is it this simple? And if it is, are their ways you think we can work on it? In addition to my ideas, I plan on consulting this gay man, and also this one. (Though I expect I won’t agree with everything the latter one says.) And I very much want to include the voices of those who are not themselves gay, or male.

We don’t need to discover a set of answers. We may find that the dialog opens up our consciousness on the issue and enlightens us in ways we can’t fully articulate. But I hope we can have this discussion, and above all I hope all people—especially my fellow gay men—can find the deep and nourishing and thrilling intimacy that all humans so deeply need.

If you’re interested in contributing to the discussion, please comment below or email me directly at stephen[at]stephencrippen.com.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

I like to recommend movies. A strength? A weakness? You be the judge. But here’s one I recommend often, particularly for anyone who is looking for ways to be more self-confident, more powerful, and more insightful about their life and relationships. And it’s funny, too. It’s “Shirley Valentine,” the story of a British woman who goes to Greece for two weeks and finds herself. I particularly love how she deals with her husband near the end of the film: though she left him after a big fight and didn’t tell him she was in Greece until she had already flown there, by the time the movie is winding to a close, she is able to look at him with compassion. “He needs a holiday,” she says to herself.

I also like the physical transformation that happens to Shirley as she works through her issues. She finds beauty, peace, and new life, and it shows on her relaxed and healthy face.

[I tried to post a link to the film, but Amazon is not cooperating. Just use the keywords 'Shirley' and 'Valentine' and you should be able to find it.]

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

Every year or so I repost this technique. Here’s the last posting, from 2008. It’s a simple way to communicate with your partner (or friend, or colleague, or parent, or pretty much anyone) and work through a tough emotional situation. In the 2008 post I listed three steps, but actually there are four, as follows:

1. Describe the situation you’re concerned about. This is the “Just-the-facts-Ma’am” step. You simply describe what happened, what you observed. For example, you tell your partner, “You came in the door, walked past me, and went into the kitchen without saying anything to me.” Be careful to stick to the facts: all of the information in this step is the kind of information that a video camera would pick up.

2. Describe your feelings, and stick to feeling words like ‘frustrated,’ ‘worried,’ ‘sad,’ or ‘upset.’ If you catch yourself saying sentences that begin with “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” you’re not expressing feelings. You’re expressing thoughts. “I feel like you don’t respect me” is a thought—a belief—but not a feeling.

3. Now it’s okay to describe your thoughts, your judgments, your story about what happened. Continuing with the above example, you would say, “When you walked past me without saying anything, I thought it meant that you were mad at me.” Your belief that your partner was mad at you led to the feeling you described in #2.

4. Finally, state your request. “I’d like to check this out with you, and if you are mad at me, I’d like to work through it with you.”

The value of this technique is that it keeps you in full ownership of your thoughts and feelings, which allows your partner to respond less defensively. It’s not your partner’s fault that you thought he was mad at you. Right or wrong, that’s your story. Using this technique, you’re letting your partner know that you’re open to the possibility that he’s not mad at you, and you’re inviting him into a conversation with you about your story. This is much more effective than simply accusing your partner of being mad at you without taking the time to take ownership of your own reactions and conclusions.

Often, when people say they have communication problems, this is the kind of thing they’re not doing. Give it a try, use your own language and turns of phrase, and be patient with yourself as you work on improving your ability to relate effectively to others.

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!

One of my mentors (at last count, I have at least three…it’s good to learn from lots of different people!) introduced me to the film, “Lars and the Real Girl,” and a group of us watched it yesterday. You should rent it.

She told me that the film didn’t do well at the box office because people misunderstood the premise. They thought (from the trailers) that it was just an oddball movie about a guy who buys a sex doll and pretends the doll is real. It’s much more than that. It’s a sweet and insightful exploration of mental illness, grief, family, and community. Everyone in the film encounters Lars and his “girlfriend” and has to figure out how to respond to Lars’s delusional behavior. By the end, the responses of many of the characters are deeply moving. (And I went to school on the fantastic approach taken by Dagmar, the psychologist!)

Recommended!

Like This Article? Please Bookmark It!