First, sorry for the long blog silence: I was a trainer at a week-long conference, then on vacation. At the conference—which was about organizational development—we talked a lot about three possible reasons why change doesn’t happen in organizations: dissatisfaction isn’t high enough, the people don’t have a strong enough vision, or there isn’t enough awareness of the first steps they need to make for change to happen.

Naturally, I thought about this in my work with clients (and, as it happens, in my own personal goal-setting). Here’s how you can apply it to yourself and your relationship:

1. Is change not happening because you’re not dissatisfied enough? As much as you might be upset about the state of your relationship, your health, or your career, you might also feel comfortable with the overall state of things, and therefore unwilling to change. An obvious example of this is the frustration people suffer around weight loss: it’s hard to not eat the French fries because as much as you want to look and feel better, you’re not so dissatisfied with how you look and feel that you’re willing to push the plate away from you.

2. Do you lack a strong vision of the future you want? I got some good advice when I started my private practice a few years ago: I was told to envision my ideal client, the person (or persons) with whom I most want to work. I’m not everyone’s therapist, and not everyone is my client, so to design my business successfully, I had to clarify my vision.

3. Are you having trouble identifying first steps for change? Maybe you’re frustrated in your career, but you’re stuck because you’ve never been in this particular situation before, and you can’t figure out what to do today and tomorrow to change it. You feel the dull drag of your daily tasks, or the pressure of a difficult boss, and you sit at your desk, thinking, “Now what?”

If any of these three situations is a problem for you, then it’s going to be hard to overcome your natural (and even healthy) resistance to change. In counseling, I’ve worked with clients on all three problems, depending on the situation. (Often enough, the typical person—myself included—is working on at least two of them.) Which one is bogging you down?

And if you want some background on the organizational-development theory behind all this, here it is!

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This week I’m working as one of the trainers in an organizational-development training program for leaders of not-for-profit organizations. When the trainers got together last weekend, we went around the room and said what we do in our “day jobs.” I said that I’m a therapist who works with couples and individuals, and mentioned that I also work with teenagers and their parents on various problems, most notably substance abuse. I added that I found this work highly enjoyable.

Today one of the trainers asked me, “Why is it fun for you to work with teenagers, particularly teenagers who are smoking pot or abusing other drugs?” Aside from the possibility that I’m just weird that way, here’s my answer:

Teens and their parents are a great example of culture clash and its impact on relationships. If the parents (or sole parent) finds herself in a power struggle with her pot-smoking teenage son, I help them work on their relationship first, whether or not the teenager ends up giving up marijuana. If you’re a parent of a young adult, you know full well that there is precious little control you have over many decisions and choices your son or daughter makes. This is particularly true when we’re talking about marijuana, alcohol, and other drugs.

But you do have control (some control, that is) over your relationship with your children. If your teenager is smoking pot, failing classes, breaking curfew (what curfew?!), and generally driving you crazy, you can experiment with the following changes to your approach:

1. Take care of yourself, move at a walking pace, and try not to overreact to your child’s behavior.
2. Notice the behaviors and comments your child is offering–behaviors and comments you like–and respond to them gracefully. Don’t overdo it: teenagers tend to distrust and dislike compliments, even though they need plenty of validation from others; you’ll have to figure out how to support them “under the radar” so that they receive the praise without necessarily knowing they received it.
3. Be a visible part of the good experiences your child is having. Tie all rewards (allowance, privileges, etc.) to specific behaviors your son or daughter has done, and tell them about it. For example, you could say, “I’m giving you this part of your allowance because you came home by 11:00 last night,” or “I’m letting you go camping with your friends because you asked me so respectfully.” Make ordinary, ho-hum statements like this (avoid excessive enthusiasm!) and be consistent. Soon your child will understand that it pays to do what you want!
4. Get in touch with your “philosophy of parenting,” that is, your whole reason for being a parent in the first place. Take time to reflect on your motivations for playing this role, and how you can live out your motivations in your relationship with your child.

This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s a good sample of the things I work on when parents and teenage men and women come in for counseling. We don’t always solve every problem, but improved relationships are incredibly powerful.

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If you’ve ever had counseling, you most likely experienced negative or critical thoughts and feelings about your therapist. I’ve worked with fantastic therapists myself, and even they will strike a wrong note, or just say the wrong thing, in our work together. What to do?

Simple: tell the therapist. If you think I’m taking us into a topic or issue that’s not interesting, not helpful, or just plain irritating, let me know. Hard as I try, I’m not perfect and might take us down a path that just isn’t right. Not only is it okay for you to let me know, it’s actually a fundamental dimension of good therapy. It could even be a breakthrough moment for you: by confronting me with your concern about our work together, you gain experience connecting with another person on a difficult and painful topic. It’s a chance to practice courageous and healthy honesty. It’s good for both of us!

Often enough I can sense that we’re off track, and I’ll beat you to the punch. “Are you mad?” I asked a client a few weeks ago. “Yeah,” she said. “Are you mad at me?” “Yes,” she replied. And the conversation that followed was probably one of the most helpful experiences she had in our work together.

So…let me have it!

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