A story of a broken marriage
I used to be (okay, I still am) a big fan of the NBC show, “The West Wing.” In the first season, way back in 1999, one of the main characters separated from and later divorced his wife. I’ve never forgotten the scene in which they confront their serious marital problems. It was just after Leo (the husband) forgot their wedding anniversary. To make up for his mistake, he went to a lot of trouble to arrange an elaborate romantic dinner for his wife, but then he blew that too–working late at the White House, he arrived at home long after the dinner was over. I’ll reprint here the dialogue between Leo and his wife, Jenny, followed by my own comments about the situation. I think you’ll find that both characters displayed great courage and strength in this wrenching scene.
JENNY: [sighs] I can’t do this anymore. This is crazy. I don’t want to live like this. I just can’t.
LEO: I’m sorry about the anniversary. I just…
JENNY: It’s not the anniversary. It’s everything. It’s the whole thing.
LEO: This is the most important thing I’ll ever do, Jenny. I have to do it well.
JENNY: It’s not more important than your marriage.
LEO: [emphatically] It is more important than my marriage right now. These few years, while I’m doing this, yes, it’s more important than my marriage. I… I didn’t decide to do this myself, Jenny. There were many discussions.
JENNY: I think if you can find the time to…
LEO: I’m five votes down, Jenny! And I need to win. I met with the staff…
JENNY: You made the time.
LEO: I made the time tonight.
JENNY: You didn’t make the time tonight.
LEO: I hired a whole…
JENNY: Margaret phoned to confirm your nine o’clock meeting with the Vice President.
LEO: [beat] I was going to slip out for 45 minutes…
JENNY: Leo…
LEO: I was going to be right back.
JENNY: I can’t. Really.
LEO: I don’t suppose we could postpone this discussion until… It’s just the past couple of days…
JENNY: I have to go now.
LEO: Okay.
JENNY: [puts on jacket] I’ll be at the Watergate.
LEO: Okay.
JENNY: And I’ll talk to you later.
LEO: [with a catch in his throat] You’ll call me?
JENNY: Yeah. [starts to pick up bags]
LEO: You… you want me to carry that to the cab?
JENNY: It’s okay. [opens door]
LEO: [almost in tears] Call me before you go to sleep.
JENNY: Okay.
[Jenny shuts the door behind her, leaving Leo looking devastated.]
FADE OUT
I like this scene because both characters come across as strong, authentic, and (despite their anguish) sure of themselves. Leo does it first: he’s honest about his priorities, about how his work has become the most important thing in his life right now. Leo is taking responsibility for this. He’s not saying that work or career “should” be more important than marriage. He’s saying that for him–just him, and just for “these few years”–he wants to put his work first. He knows this is an awful thing to say, or at least it’s an awful thing for his wife to hear. But I like how Leo stands up and says it. When his wife confronted him with her pain, Leo didn’t lie. He didn’t try to appease her or cover over what was really going on. So… good for him.
But Jenny has some game too. She decides to leave Leo. She decides that his decision is just that–his. She doesn’t need to accept his priorities. She doesn’t have to stay in the relationship after hearing that he has made something else a higher priority. For Jenny, her marriage is the most important thing in her life. She decides to take care of herself, to pay attention to her own true wants and needs. She decides to do the hard but honest thing–to leave. So… good for her.
As difficult as this situation is, as hard and sad and gut-wrenching as it is, I think it is a good example of a “successful failure” of a marriage. If we judge Leo and Jenny’s marriage by the yardstick of their expectations on their wedding day, then it was a failure. But if we judge it by the yardstick of marriage being a way for two people to grow, mature, and develop as independent–and interdependent–human beings, then this separation and divorce was a success. It was a situation in which both Leo and Jenny consciously asserted themselves, well aware of the pain and sadness that would follow their choices. How much worse it would have been–how much more painful and sad–if they had stayed together, scared and frustrated, despite their diverging priorities!
This kind of scene is hard to witness. I see it sometimes in my work, and I’ve seen couples in my personal life who have gone through similar experiences. It’s not something I wish on anyone. In a perfect world, I suppose, it wouldn’t happen. But even in these hard situations, I think there’s a lot to be said for people who stand up for what they truly want, and who they truly are. Any marriage or partnership, whether it lasts sixty years or sixty days, can do far worse than to bring out these noble qualities in the people involved.
