A word about self-help books
Has anyone ever recommended that you read a self-help book? Sometimes counselors do this–sometimes I do this–and often enough it’s a good idea. But most of the time clients will come back to me and apologize for not buying the book, or buying it but not reading it, or not finding it helpful. They think that I will be upset with them, or offended. But what I’m really doing is slapping my own hand for not explaining well enough my attitude and beliefs about self-help books. If I had done that, they would not be apologizing for the way they took (or didn’t take) my advice.
Here’s my take on self-help books: they are reference works, not novels. You might not need large sections of some of them. You may only be helped by chapter six, or a story in chapter nine, or a reference to a completely different book that fits you better. So if I recommend a book to you, don’t buy it right away. You could even just ignore me entirely! But if you’re really curious, then browse through the first few pages of the book on Amazon and see what you think. If the chapter titles and first few pages of text interest you, then by all means jump in. But if you get the book and start reading it, I encourage you to follow this method:
1. Start by opening the book to any page. This is not magical thinking: I do not believe that you will mysteriously turn to the page that is just right for you. I just mean that you would do well to resist the impulse to read the book from start to finish. If you open the book to any page and find yourself drawn into the ideas and insights, then follow those instincts and delve more deeply into the book. If not, then try another page, another chapter, or go back to the table of contents and see if there’s something that grabs you. I suggest this because it’s all too easy to think you have to start at the beginning, and then you get bogged down, frustrated, and tired–you end up only reading the first 20-30 pages, and you’re discouraged. Don’t take the book that seriously.
2. Fight with the book! It’s not Gospel. If you disagree, reflect on that, use it, learn from it. Self-help books are meant to encourage and motivate you, but if instead they just irritate or upset you, there’s learning in that, too. Bring it back to our next session and tell me the book is crap! I would love that discussion. Believe me, I am not married to the books I recommend. My very favorite books about relationships contain lots of things that bother me. That’s part of what makes them useful.
3. If you like what you’re reading but find yourself resisting it nonetheless–you love the book, but somehow never find time to sit with it–consider the possibility that the book is raising up something important within you, something that is upsetting…and well worth exploring. Your resistance makes sense, and is something you might want to reflect on. A few years ago, it took me a long time to read a certain book on relationships because the book hit so close to home. Notice your resistance and wrestle with it.
4. It’s worth saying again: feel free to ignore the book (and my advice) entirely. It’s always, always optional. Your counseling work is just that, yours. It helps you to challenge me when you feel a certain book–or a certain idea I’ve fallen in love with–is not helping you. When we talk about that, we’re almost certain to move on to something that really motivates you to change and grow.
