Acceptance vs. resignation
In American popular culture we hear lots of therapy buzzwords, or buzz phrases. After a school shooting a reporter will announce, “The families are gathering in the gym tonight for a candlelight vigil to begin the healing process.” Then, a year or so later, that same reporter will return to the scene of the tragedy and talk about how the victims’ families have “gotten closure.”
Cue the eyerolls. Healing process? Closure? Really? I don’t want to sound cynical–really, I don’t–but let’s have some respect for the complexity of human grief, the mystery of human relationships, and the difficulty of wrestling with an upsetting problem, or person, or situation.
This brings me to a useful but problematic word: ‘acceptance.’ What is it? In my work with clients, acceptance is a process one goes through to make sense of a situation, draw wisdom from it, and move forward in one’s life with the benefits of that wisdom. Please note:
Acceptance is not resigning yourself to an unjust situation (particularly a violent or abusive one)
Acceptance is not pretending you weren’t harmed, or pretending that you didn’t suffer a loss
Acceptance is not making up false (and trite) aphorisms that paper over your pain
In short, acceptance is not resignation. I may accept that my beloved died, but I don’t have to resign myself to that hard reality. When I accept that someone died, I accept that I am deeply sad; I accept that the person’s absence is painful; I accept that she or he brought both delight and difficulty to my life; I accept that–and this might be the hardest part!–I accept that I must move forward and even grow beyond that person, and live future chapters of my life without that person’s immediate presence. And finally, I accept that the person I miss will continue to have an influence–for good or ill–on my life. I may still draw insight and wisdom from my relationship with my beloved dead.
Here’s another way that acceptance is not the same as resignation: I may accept that my partner is, let’s say, emotionally volatile, or has a substance-use problem, or can’t get along with his/her family members. But I don’t have to resign myself to it. This means that if my partner is emotionally volatile, I may accept that as something that’s true about my partner, but also be clear with him about what I’m going to do when he’s flying off the handle. Or if my partner has an alcohol problem, I might accept that as something that’s true about my partner, but be clear with her that I’m not going to help her drink, or be with her when she’s binge-drinking. Or if my partner has a ‘crazy’ family, I might accept that but let my partner know that I’m not his go-to person for all the complaining he wants to do about his family. In all of these examples, acceptance looks very different from resignation.
Sometimes you may accept these situations, and your acceptance process leads you to end the relationship. That doesn’t mean you didn’t ‘accept’ the problem. It just means that as you worked through it, you concluded that ending the relationship was your best option. Other times, you stay. But you stay in a different way–you stay in such a way that you are not allowing your partner’s problem to become your own. And your partner may then choose to address the problem!
Acceptance is a living process, an ongoing path of discernment, self-confrontation, and action. As I said above, through acceptance you make sense of a situation, draw wisdom from it, and move forward in your life with the benefits of that wisdom. It is anything but passive!
