Binding my lesser selves
I recently read a great article that talks about the psychological idea that a single human being’s mind is made up of multiple ‘selves,’ and that one of these selves–the Self with a capital S, if you want to say it that way–is the Person herself, the executive, the one who stands within the person’s core essence. This Self is reflective, thoughtful, and insightful about her life experiences. This is the Self that eats right and exercises, gets her work done before playing, and pays attention to the relationships and activities of her life that are the most nourishing and life-giving for her. Except during the times when one of the lesser selves is running things.
Her Self may be in charge, let’s say, when she eats right all day. But when she comes home, feeling exhausted and frazzled, one of her lesser selves reaches for snack food, or too much wine. Then, in the morning, her Self is back in charge, and feeling frustrated. “Why did I overeat last night?!” she wonders with exasperation. Except she didn’t overeat…or at least She didn’t. It was one of her lesser selves that took over.
The article I linked to above talks about ways people can use ‘self-binding’ techniques to gain control over the lesser selves. There are several examples that probably sound familiar to you: using a buddy system when you go out so that you don’t binge-drink; identifying triggers of unwanted behavior and making a plan to respond to them; or creative ideas like giving your lesser self false information so that she can’t betray you later on (such as setting your clocks ahead ten minutes so that your chronically-late lesser self can’t make You late).
But here’s a fun one. Our friend above–the one who overeats in the evening–would go online and set up a contract with herself to eat right and reach a weight-loss goal. And here’s the interesting twist: she would commit to giving money to a charity she despises if she fails to meet her goal. If she doesn’t lose a pound a week, she gives $20 to the NRA.
I wonder if it seems odd for a nice, kind therapist like me to like this! It seems negative, and maybe weird. And maybe it is. But I think it’s also quite creative and insightful: her best Self would never, ever give money to the loathsome NRA. Not even her lesser selves would do that. But her lesser selves betray her best interests in all kinds of other ways, and this is a way to say to them, “Your needs and wishes are not my needs and wishes. You do not live how I want to live. And I’m willing to put money where my mouth is.” It’s a powerful way to take command of one’s life, particularly if you approach it creatively, with positive energy and a thoughtful attitude.
Oh–and here’s a link to a website that talks about this in a different–and much more nuanced–way. This approach–Internal Family Systems therapy, by Richard Schwartz–has helped a great many people. Dr. Schwartz is trained (like me) in systems therapy, and I’d be happy to talk with you about his approach.
