“But I tried that already!”
You and I and everyone in the world has tried to do things differently, tried to change things, whether it’s a change of job, career, home, city, relationship, you name it. Sometimes the new thing we tried was a new behavior, a new way of relating to others. And we often have found that the change didn’t accomplish what we had hoped.
Maybe, for example, you tried to communicate with your spouse or partner in a new way, and you did it because a friend (or your therapist!) told you to. And it “didn’t work.” You still feel stuck. If that’s been your experience, here are some thoughts about what might be going on.
First, it’s probably not a communication problem. Lots of couples think they don’t communicate well, when in reality they communicate all too well how they feel about each other. “But he doesn’t talk to me,” you might say. No, he doesn’t–because at this point you both have communicated so well how you feel about each other, words are no longer necessary!
So that means, if it’s not a communication problem, it’s probably this: you haven’t confronted yourself enough. Here’s an example: you’re frustrated because the excitement in your relationship has faded–or maybe it’s never been what you had hoped for–and you and your partner have been working on this problem for a while, to no avail. You’ve pressured your partner with your desire for change, whether it’s a change in how you two relate to each other, or a change in sexual routine. Or maybe you’re the one on the receiving end: your partner is pressing for change, and you find yourself resisting, or just confused.
If this is going on, chances are good that you haven’t confronted yourself enough. You’ve done some self-confrontation, but not enough to take you into really dangerous territory. Let me show you how this could happen:
You and your partner have done what everyone does in a relationship, particularly in the early phases: you’ve connected in areas where you’re similar, minimized differences, and generally taken care to lower anxiety in yourself and the other person. She gets upset (let’s say) when you don’t answer her emails right away, so you give in and answer them more than you really want to, saying to yourself, “It’s no big deal for me, and it’s something she cares about, so that’s fine.” You’re both doing this in lots of other ways, whether it’s accommodating the other person’s sexual preferences (or what you perceive them to be), modulating how much emotional connection you have to match the other person’s tolerance level (never mind that you want more…), and just generally presenting a somewhat-true-but-also-false self to the other person because it would just hurt too much to reveal your true self.
And then, because you had the bright idea (?!) to talk to a therapist or read this book, you confront your own fears about speaking the truth to your partner and you say, “I know you want me to email you right back when you send me stuff, but I don’t want to do that. Here’s how I’d like to do it…” Or (taking a much scarier example), “I know you’ve said that we can’t have that kind of sex, but I want to do it so that I can connect with you, and so that we can be inside each other, literally and figuratively.” Or (another scary one), “Right now I’m angry. You said ______, and I’m angry about it.” Not, “I’m angry and it’s your problem, so fix it!” but “I’m angry, and I just want you to know that.”
At this point you might be thinking, “But I’ve tried that already! I’ve been trying to connect with my partner, express my true feelings, ask for what I truly want. It’s not working! We’re still stuck!” If that’s the case, then it’s possible you’re on the right track, but just not quite there yet. You are doing the hard stuff, just not at the level that is pushing yourself to grow and change. You’re still holding back on some level, still not confronting the true wants and true fears that are going on inside your true self.
So, now what? Well, go back to your situation. You expressed your anger, let’s say. What happened next? Did you still find yourself holding back something true about yourself as a way to protect yourself or your partner? I’m not saying it’s a great idea to express every feeling you have, every moment you have it. But maybe there was something true going on for you that you are still squelching in the name of peace and comfort in the relationship. Or you pressed for change in your sexual relationship, your partner resisted (which almost always happens! It’s part of the magic in couple relationships!) and you gave in. I’m not saying it’s a great idea to be obnoxiously pushy about your sexual desires–that’s not your true self. But I am saying that it’s an opportunity to confront yourself and stand up to your own fears.
Bottom line: if you’ve tried it already, ask yourself, what would be a deeper self-confrontation that builds on the work I’ve already done?
