One of my goals in the next year (or two) is to write an abecedary. An abecedary can take many forms, but for my purposes it would be a small book with 26 chapters. Each chapter would be an essay on concepts I use with clients in therapy, one for each letter of the alphabet. A is for attitude, perhaps: how does your attitude determine your mood, the quality of your relationship, etc.? L is for listening (I’m in favor of listening, and it’s more than you might think it is). You get the idea.

I don’t have all the chapters worked out, but I’m pretty sure I’ll have a good time with chapter three. C is for courage. I’ve written about this before. It takes courage to pursue the relationship you really want, to take your career in a new direction, to confront yourself—and then your partner—about a problem, or about your deepest wish. It certainly takes courage to draw close emotionally to someone who really matters to you, and who (by virtue of being human) is capable of harming or grieving you.

But I also want C to stand for curiosity. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but the lack of curiosity has killed many relationships. If you have the foresight—and the humility—to try to look at the world through your partner’s eyes, you might be less upset by what’s going on with your partner, and feel more free to take action. I like to say that when a couple is shouting at the top of their lungs, they are expressing zero curiosity about the other. No wonder they’re at each other’s throats. I’ve noticed that in any of the hundreds of friendships, working relationships, and other relationships I’ve had over the years, my own curiosity has opened up a lot of opportunities for growth and intimacy.

And yet, I also want C to stand for creativity! I want to talk about the importance of play in relationships, and playfulness in your thinking and behaving throughout your life. Can you recognize your own absurdity and laugh at yourself? If not, I don’t like your chances for happiness. And the happiest couples I’ve worked with have been the ones who allow for delightful creativity, spontaneity, and playfulness in their relationship…even if there’s also been a lot of hurt feelings and hard times.

Lots of people assume that in Therapyland, C stands for communication. Maybe. But I think the three words above are more of a challenge for most people than communication skills. In any case, chapter three is going to be a snap!

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