2009 has been a hard year. Many people have struggled with unemployment, the fear of unemployment, and all the other effects of a down economy. (Don’t ask me about my retirement accounts!) But I am confident that 2010 will be better. There are many positive signs: our economy is no longer in freefall, so even if we suffer a double-dip recession, our situation is not as dire as it was a year ago. And though we haven’t yet made health-care reform into a new law, we’re pretty close. There are many challenges ahead, but I truly believe that 2010 will be a better year.

All good wishes to you and yours as we prepare for another year, and I look forward to working with you. Happy New Year!

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They’re not just for couples! If you’re interested, click here for more information.

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As you can see, I’ve embraced Referendum 71 on my website, and I encourage you to join the cause, by voting yes (if you live in Washington), or by contributing to Washington Families Standing Together (wherever you live). I think it helps to point out that the couples and families who benefit from this law (a law that was passed by the duly-elected representatives of the citizens of Washington state) are people you know, ordinary people, and—in my particular case—dog people. (!)

There’s a lot of evidence out there that people who know LGBT persons are much more likely to be liberal about the political issues related to sexual orientation. That’s why I think it’s important for me to let you know that this law currently allows people you know—your neighbors, friends, and family—to choose their kin, fill out their 401(k) beneficiary forms, and visit their loved ones in peace. That’s it. And many of the couples this law protects are elderly heterosexual friends who have found that they can secure their own futures better by pooling their resources and designating their most intimate companions to visit them when they’re sick, and handle their affairs when they die. What’s not to like about this law?

So please vote ‘yes’ on Ref-71. And here’s a photo of two members of one family who thank you for your support!

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I was inspired by my webmaster to add a link on my main page to Washington Families Standing Together, and support them financially myself. If you live in the state of Washington, no doubt you’ve already gotten your ballot for this year’s election. Please vote ‘yes’ on Referendum 71, a measure that affirms current state law that offers the same legal benefits to registered domestic partners that heterosexual married couples enjoy (with one exception: the use of the word ‘marriage’). By voting yes, you are simply affirming what your legislators and governor have already signed into law: equal rights for all families.

Even if you don’t live in Washington, please consider a donation. As my webmaster told me, “this is our Prop-8.” It’s vital that we pass this referendum!

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I got the idea of “Mental health break” posts from Andrew Sullivan. Today I just want to point out–in case you haven’t noticed, though I can’t believe you haven’t–how dazzling the fall weather has been this week. Azure skies, trees bursting with color, a crisp, cool temperature…heaven (by my standards). And I can’t think of a robust reason to post this photo, except that it’s a great shot of a certain dog of my acquaintance, and two pumpkins who surprised us this year. We didn’t plant them. They’re volunteers. But here they are, nice and orange, crying out for carving in a couple of weeks. Don’t miss the delights of this lovely autumn season!

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No fear, this post isn’t about politics! I’m revisiting the question of when and how long to have counseling sessions. The traditional model is one hour, once a week. I’ve learned both in my own work experience and from other therapists that this is not the best model.

It’s not intense enough.

First, let’s look at the first session. When you come in for the first time, you and I need to get to know each other (at least as much as we can in that short hour), work out what your counseling will look like, be sure you’ve filled out the registration forms, and then tackle what you came in to discuss. That’s a tall order. And it’s why I offer a 90-minute first session for the same $100 fee.

But it doesn’t get much easier in later sessions if we limit ourselves to one hour per week. After seven days, you may have forgotten what we discussed, or lost your excitement about it, or let it all blend into itself so that you’re confused, unsure what you were supposed to do to get yourself ready for session 2. Fortunately, I keep good notes and have a good memory, and you are always free to call or email me if you want to check in before the next session, but even so, it isn’t hard for the intensity of our work to lose strength when we stick to the one-hour-per-week model. It’s certainly possible–and it happens often enough in my practice–but it’s not always easy.

So here’s my offer. If you’re a client of mine–brand-new or not, it doesn’t matter–I’m offering you a 2.5-hour session for the price of two sessions ($200), a savings of $50. Ideally we would do the whole thing in one 2.5-hour block (with a short stretch break in the middle). But I will offer you this discount if you schedule two appointments (one for an hour, the other for an hour and a half) in the same week. Either way, we get your intensity up, and we have more time to really dig in and get you moving on your issues.

Please note that this offer is extended alongside my usual practice of offering one free 90-minute session, which means that you could do 2.5 hours on week one, then 2.5 hours on week two, and the whole thing only costs $400 (a savings of $100). It’s like having five sessions in two weeks rather than five. That’s a lot of intensity! I offer this because I do believe that compressing your work with me is helpful for you. You’ll move faster, and you’ll dig deeper.

And if it sounds exhausting, that’s because it can be exhausting! But remember the stretch breaks, and think about it. You could make a lot of progress in a short time, and for less cost. I hope to see you soon!

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How I love air-conditioning! I’m camped out in my office, reflecting on the blessing and gift of AC. And yes, I understand the terrible irony of it: air-conditioning puts carbon in the atmosphere, which leads to global warming, which leads to wacky weather that plagues the Northwest with desert temperatures, the Southeast with drought, and the Northeast with floods. Ideally we humans will figure out how to cool ourselves–and transport ourselves, and warm ourselves, and everything else we do–without making the whole situation worse. But for now, I hope you can understand that I’m choosing to enjoy a few hours of AC.

If you’re interested in my take on the ethics involved, read further.

(more…)

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There are at least two reasons not to write this post. The first is that it’s dorky, the second that I’m completely dating myself! But here I go anyway.

Clients often come in for their second or third session and say, “I didn’t really work on what we talked about last week,” or, “We waited to bring this to you because we don’t feel we can address it without a neutral third party.” Other times, usually near the end of the session, they’ll say, “This is great, but I’m afraid I’ll forget it all again when I walk out that door.”

This is common enough that I think it means I need to make some changes in how I do counseling, what I say, and how we all follow up with each other from session to session. So now I encourage clients to bring a notebook (if that works for them), write in their journal after the session, or call me between sessions if they forget what we talked about, or lose momentum and motivation.

And for some crazy reason, the metaphor I struck upon was Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In, that old comedy show from the seventies. If you haven’t had the pleasure, here’s a quick example of their schtick. A bunch of people (resplendent in seventies clothing!) dances to disco music, and every few seconds the music stops, the camera zooms in, and somebody tells a joke. Then the music and dancing start up again, and a few seconds later they do it all over again.

This is what therapy can be like, if we don’t pay attention to it. All week long you dance to the music, then you come in, we talk, we gain insight, we plan practical solutions, we cover important topics, you leave my office, and the music starts up again… another week of dancing, and you can hardly remember what we talked about.

My goal is to help therapy be an organic part of your life–for as long as you feel you need it, that is. I don’t want it to be an odd thing you do once every seven days that has little or no connection to the rest of your life. So let’s work together to be sure your counseling is helping you all week long.

(See, I told you it was a dorky example!)

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Relationship counseling may be the furthest thing from your mind this Saturday, what with all the sunshine and the holiday weekend! But if you need it, I’ll be here, and because it’s a holiday I have a couple of openings. Either way, enjoy the perfect weather!

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I think there are two roles a lot of people expect therapists to play. One of them is judge, the other is referee. Sometimes I smile when I think of myself wearing a judge’s robe, or worse, a referee’s striped shirt. Here’s why neither uniform works for me as your therapist:

First, the judge. Your life is filled with judgments. You chose a partner because you judged that person to be a good match for you. You chose a career, or a house. You chose to try to conceive a child. Or you chose not to. And there are thousands of tinier judgments: that person looks drunk, you tell yourself. That bus seat looks dirty. And of course you make a judgment when you come in for counseling: this therapist is the one I think can help me.

I certainly hope that most of your judgments are sound (particularly that last one!). When you come to counseling, we can talk about them. You might know already that you made some pretty bad judgments, or you even know that your general pattern of judgment is flawed–maybe you automatically judge everyone to be untrustworthy, and that prevents you from getting close to anyone. Or you have a hard time with moderation, balance, and self-care. So you come to counseling, and if you’re like a lot of people, you approach the therapist as a judge–and a better judge than you, to boot. You ask me for advice. You check out decisions with me to see what I think. It sounds right. It sounds like what counseling is all about.

But it’s not. Counseling is about you becoming a better judge, not you submitting to my judgments. My cultural background might be different from yours. Or my gender. Or my attitudes, my assumptions, my worldview. If I’m wearing the judge’s robe in our work together, you don’t take command of your own life by focusing on and developing your own good judgment.

And as for referee, well that’s a uniform therapists are often invited to wear when doing couples therapy. The two of you come in, sit down, and start the same fight you have in your living room. And my job is to be your referee, your diplomat, your Voice of Reason. But here we have the same problem: if I’m your referee, then who stands tall in your own living room? And what if I make a bad call? Or what if you don’t like my call, but your partner does? What will become of our therapeutic relationship?

It’s better if I help both of you be your own referee–not necessarily of the fight you’re having, but the referee of your own internal struggles and issues. If you are your own referee, you are making your own calls about your own behavior. Am I being fair? you ask yourself. Am I being honest? Am I blaming my partner for a problem I have?

So…what is my uniform, then? I don’t have a colorful, neat little uniform that signifies what I do, but I will say this: my job is to help you be your own judge, your own referee, and get better and better at it, so that you will have the happiness, satisfaction, and contentment you long for in your life, and in your relationships.

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