Recently I posted a pretty good rationale for not cleaning my basement on my day off. It was a light way to describe the concept of “Radical Acceptance.” Well, let’s say that today is the day to clean that basement, that you can’t stand it anymore, it has to get done, and you’ve decided to do it now. Good for you! I found a book (click icon below to purchase) that describes a four-step way to make this project something more, something that helps you grow and change in your life.

(True confession: I found it while reading O Magazine at the health club. A guilty pleasure!)

The “SHED” process involves four steps:
1. Separate the treasures. Look through your stuff and keep things you truly want and need, or things that have deep meaning for you.
2. Heave the trash. The rest of it is out of here! Personal note: my dad is really good at this step. I remember him saying things like, “Does it work? No? Throw it out!” or “Do we use it? No? Throw it out!” This was a good thing, because my dad had a lot of kids.
3. Embrace your identity. In this step, the author, Julie Morgenstern, encourages you to discern your present and future goals, dreams, hopes, and so forth, and to look at your “shedding” process as part of a larger effort to be your best self, and live your daily life by drawing upon the best in yourself.
4. Drive yourself forward. In this step, you become more active and directive in your re-engagement with life. You pursue the goals and dreams you discerned while shedding not just the old stuff in your basement, but also the old habits, ways of scheduling your time, and other default assumptions and behaviors you have about yourself and your life.

So if you’re looking for a step-by-step way to change your life, not just your basement, you might want to give Morgenstern’s book a try!

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In the film “Primary Colors,” Kathy Bates plays Libby, a character who finds out some dark (and disappointing) truths about her friends, a married couple based on Bill and Hillary Clinton. One of the many memorable lines in the film is Libby’s comment about couples and cheating: “It’s never the one who cheats who goes to hell,” she said. “It’s the one he cheated on.”

I think of this line sometimes when I’m working with people who just found out that their partner has had an affair. Sometimes the affair brings out the worst in a person: rage, despair, more rage, and a deep desire for revenge. But more often it’s a lot more complicated than that. There’s usually a lot of anger, but there’s also (in no particular order) self-doubt, sadness, confusion, shock, more sadness, and anger at one’s self for “being so clueless” or “not reading the signs.” How do you sort it all out?

First, take a breath. Just take a moment and get back in touch with the most simple things–the most simple gifts–in your life, like your breath, your heart, your health, your own basic self. Your partner did this, yes. But you still have yourself. Try to “return to the center” or practice a form of spiritual centering that works for you. (And repeat when necessary!)

Then, try to see your partner’s behavior as just that: your partner’s behavior. It’s not about your attractiveness (or lack thereof). It’s not about mistakes you made, or things you did, even if your partner says it is–or even if you think so yourself! “You drove me away!” your partner might say. But that’s not true. Your partner freely chose to have the affair. If you “drove your partner away,” that only means your partner gave you the power to do so.

As you continue to work through your pain, think about following a step-by-step process of acceptance and healing. I often recommend the book, “How Can I Forgive You?” by Janis Abrahms Spring (see the link below). This book offers more than one way to recover from an affair, whether or not you stay together as a couple, and whether or not your partner wants to cooperate with your recovery.

It can be easy for you, if your partner had an affair, to “go to hell”–by which I mean you create your own hellish existence as you struggle with your confusion, outrage, and hurt feelings. Take time to soothe yourself and work on your own “stuff” during this difficult time. Eventually you may find that the affair is a way for you to learn about yourself and do the hard but rewarding work of self-development.

“He cheated, not me. What’s wrong with me?” Nothing. Nothing at all. And you won’t always feel this upset. I can’t promise you’ll still be a couple when all of this is over, but I can promise that there is a lot you can learn–about yourself–during this difficult time.

Here’s the link to the Abrahms Spring book:

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These days I’m reading books by Mary Roach, a journalist and author who has appeared in several magazines and likes to write about odd topics like what happens to the human body after death, or what happens to the human soul after death…and is there such thing as a human soul? She works hard on her books, traveling the world to fill them with interesting perspectives and insights. And she’s really funny.

Right now I’m reading her book called, “Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife” (see below for a link) and in one chapter she finds herself in India, apologizing to her host, who escorted her into remote Indian villages to investigate stories of reincarnation. Mary Roach is apologizing because she wasn’t exactly the easiest or most patient guest. She said to her host, “I’m sorry about…I don’t know. I’m not very submissive.” He replied, “It’s okay. You only lost your mind twice.”

I love this expression! I actually think the same way when someone is apologizing to me for being “crazy.” Or I think this way when a client says, “I’m mentally ill.” I think, No, you’re mostly fine. You just freaked out for a minute there. Or if I know the client well and we have a strong therapy relationship, I’ll say, “Yeah, you’re a little crazy, but only sometimes. So am I!”

I mention all this because so many people think that “crazy”—which is a slippery, hard-to-define word—is a permanent state. Usually all it means is that you are temporarily having a hard time. Even if you’ve been diagnosed with a serious and chronic “mental illness,” such as bipolar disorder, you can enjoy a life fairly free of “crazy” experiences. (I’ve worked with clients who have a bipolar diagnosis, and let me tell you, they are sometimes a lot more calm and stable than some therapists I know!)

So, if you just lost it with your partner, or discovered that you’re freaking out at work, or feel like you’re going “crazy,” remember this kind Indian man’s reassurance of his guest: “It’s okay. You only lost your mind twice.”

And if you’re interested in Mary Roach’s books, click below.

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This book, by Janis Abrahms Spring, is great for people who have a hard time forgiving someone close to them. She offers a healthy way to deal with the person without forgiving them, either because they are unwilling to reconcile with you, or they have died, or simply because forgiveness is just not something you’re ready to offer at this time. She also walks readers through the process of genuine forgiveness, which is a process that involves both you and the person who harmed you. Bottom line: forgiveness is not the only path. But if you choose forgiveness, you should know that it always takes two.

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Bill O’Hanlon has lots of ideas for people who want to live better and feel better, one little step at a time. He starts his book by talking about his own dark period of depression and how he overcame it. He has lots of practical suggestions and creative ways of looking at the problems of life. Follow the link below to learn more about it and purchase his book. Recommended!

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I’m currently reading the book, “Saving Graces: Finding Solace and Strength from Friends and Strangers,” by Elizabeth Edwards. This is a good book for those who want to hear another person’s story about unbelievable grief (Edwards’s son Wade was killed in an automobile accident in 1996) and how she and her family found their way through the darkest time of their life. Writing about her daughter Cate, Edwards wonders what it must have been like for Cate to have a mother in 1996 “who seemed to be made of ashes.” It’s also a good book for those who are living with cancer, whether it’s their own diagnosis or one of their friends or family members battling the disease. Edwards writes well and candidly about her struggles, and how she makes sense of such challenging personal crises. Recommended!

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I recommend the book “Passionate Marriage,” by David Schnarch, to couples who are struggling with various issues or trying to deepen and improve their relationship.  Dr. Schnarch has an odd name, so you might have to practice it!  It sounds like “Shn-ARCH.” But it’s worth it, because you’ll probably end up recommending his book to others.  He has good suggestions and insights for couples about how they can become strong individuals in their relationships.  The stronger someone is as an individual, the better he or she can be at building a healthy relationship with another person.  There’s a whole chapter just on the topic of hugs…!  Give this book a try if you’re looking for more in your relationship.

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