This is just a note to couples who are interested in weekend workshops hosted by the Gottman Institute: there’s another workshop coming up in September, and you might want to register soon. These workshops are useful for couples who may or may not think they are in trouble but would like to work on their relationship. Even if you’re in therapy, weekend workshops can supplement your counseling with a more intensive two-day experience. Here’s what the site says:

“Research shows that on average, couples wait six years from the first signs of problems before they seek help. This workshop is designed to strengthen your marriage or relationship. If you have a strong relationship, this workshop will provide you with insights and tools to make it a great one. If your relationship is distressed, this two-day workshop will provide a road map for repair. If the couple is dealing with physical abuse or battering, this workshop may not be appropriate. In these cases, please consult with Gottman Institute triage staff.”

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Most often when we’re in a relationship, we feel we need to check things out, fix things, understand why the other person is upset, listen, respond…you know, do all those things therapists love to tell us to do! But then there are times when–and I say this as a therapist, not just someone in a relationship!–it’s okay to let the other person take care of their hurt feelings. Even if their hurt feelings are about you.

That’s right. Think about some of the times when you’ve been mad at your partner, or your partner’s been mad at you. Often enough, it’s an issue worth discussing, a problem worth solving. Maybe your partner misunderstood you, or maybe you’re upset because your partner said something you thought was insensitive. It might be a good idea to check it out. Checking it out is usually better than stewing about it…right?

Well, a lot of the time. But sometimes I work with couples who seem to be “check-it-out perfectionists.” No negative feeling goes unexamined. No hurt feeling goes unaddressed. And I think, well, I think they’re taking all this a little bit too far. Sometimes a person is just upset. That’s all. They’re having a bad day, or they didn’t like what you said, or they’re just not that into you right at this particular moment, and the best thing for you to do is to let it lie. Let them take care of it.

But…! You might say. But, I’m right, and he’s wrong!! Shouldn’t I have the opportunity to defend myself? Sorry, that sounds defensive… Shouldn’t I have the opportunity to (hmmm, what’s a nice therapy word…?) respond? Well, yeah, most times. But maybe not this time. Think about giving your partner a little space once in a while to be mad at you–or think about giving yourself a little space once in a while to be mad at your partner–without having to do the whole Therapy Routine. Don’t worry about “active listening” or “responding vs. reacting” or “empathic communication.” Just let them take care of it.

And guess what? If you do–if you let them (and yourself) take care of it on their own (or on your own) every once in a while, it’s good practice. It’s good self-soothing, self-parenting, self-care. It’s adult stuff. That way, when you two run into a bigger issue that really needs to be dealt with by both of you, you’ll both be better able to hold onto yourselves during the encounter. You’ll both be better able to take an adult stance while wrestling with your issues.

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If someone you know and love is going through grief, you may feel anxious about what you should do, and not do, to help them. There are no hard and fast rules, but in my work with clients I’ve found the following responses to be helpful:

1. Make lasagna, and bring it over without asking. When someone is coping with a death in the family or some other kind of distressing situation, lots of people will call and say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” But the truth is, most people who are grieving have no idea what to ask you to do. They’re not in touch with what they really need. When my mother died, one of my sister’s friends just came right over, unannounced, with a pan of lasagna. The friend stayed long enough to drop off the food and hug my sister, and that was that. Think about ways you can communicate your support without pressuring the grieving person to help you or talk to you at any great length.

2. Just listen. If your friend is turning to you during this difficult time, remember that you don’t have the answers–and you don’t have to have the answers–so it’s best not to act on your own anxiety about what you should say or what you should do. Simple listening is enough. Let your friend know that you hear what’s being said, and you care. That’s more than enough!

3. Depending on your relationship with the grieving person, I think it’s okay to ask once in a while if there’s anything they need that you haven’t thought of. Expect that they’ll say no, and simply encourage them to let you know if something comes up. If you take this step after the lasagna in step 1, your friend might actually ask for your help. Or not. Either way, don’t push it.

4. Take care of yourself. One of my favorite illustrations of this point is the instruction we’re all given when we’re on an airplane and the flight attendants are telling us how to work the oxygen masks: before assisting the child next to you, be sure your own oxygen mask is in place and functioning. Same rule applies here: if you’re not taking care of yourself, how can you feel strong and ready to be there for your friend?

5. If the grieving person is your spouse or partner, all of this is good for your relationship. Often people say, “Well, I would ask him to work on our relationship stuff, but he’s grieving now, so I guess we’ll just have to put that on hold.” Yes and no. Yes, you may want to avoid engaging your grieving spouse or partner in a deep conversation about your relationship when s/he is in the middle of a difficult time. But no, you don’t have to wait to practice healthy relationship boundaries and behaviors. All of the ideas above are “healthy relationship” things to do. Your conscious choice to be present and supportive during this difficult time is a way to nurture your relationship and help the two of you down the road, when it once again feels appropriate to directly focus on your relationship.

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I’m still working through my two-week training on organizational development, and in the course of our work I came across a great quotation from a friend and mentor of mine, Melissa Skelton. She was writing about the challenges and benefits of listening–the challenges and benefits of two married or partnered people listening to each other, two groups listening to each other, or anyone who feels they’re in relationship with someone else, trying as best they can to listen to that person.

Why do it? Why listen? Why should we take time and spend energy drawing close to another person, or another group, particularly if they are in opposition to us, and if it’s all too easy to fight with them? Here’s what she says:

“[Let's say] you’re in the middle of a conversation with your spouse, and it’s one of those recurring conversations where you always come out in different places and walk away reconfirmed about how different you are from each other. [But] what would it be like for both of you to not completely yield who you are to each other but to make a decision that in the conversation, each [of you] will allow him or herself to be affected by the other–will allow the outcome to be shaped by both? This is what it might mean to be constrained by love” (italics mine).

Constrained by love–that can be a confusing phrase. I think it means this: to open yourself up to another person, which means to be (in some ways) constrained, or surrendered, to that person. It doesn’t mean “surrendered” in the sense of “they win, I lose.” It means simply to be open to that person–even though being open to them means to be bent toward them, leaning into them, being influenced and changed by them. Does it mean being destroyed or oppressed or squashed by them? Of course not. But it does involve cost!

Let me ask you: is it worth it?

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I’ve been a therapist long enough (ten years this summer) to remember the days when people didn’t use email regularly, let alone text messaging. These days (I know, I sound so old saying “These days”!) people tell me that they’re having intimate conversations about serious problems…on email. Or they’re getting confronted by their partners about relationship issues…in text messages.

I guess I feel like being blunt today: I think this is a bad trend. Call me a dinosaur, but I think email and texting should be used for the following things: 1) business; and 2) fun. Everything else should be live and in person. Why? Because (and this is just my opinion, but hey, it’s my blog!) when you’re dealing with serious issues or emotional problems, it’s almost impossible to express yourself well in email or by texting your partner. An additional reason is that your words will be put in print, and you won’t know who will see them or what interpretations they’ll make when they read your words. Finally, my third reason is that it’s all too easy to duck when you’re communicating this way. It’s hard to look someone in the eye and tell them something they don’t want to hear. It’s hard to sit with someone in person and hold yourself accountable for your actions. It’s hard. But it’s also the right thing to do.

One last note about this. So far I’ve been advising you not to do this yourself, but it works the other way too. If your partner is texting you about serious stuff, I encourage you to assert your preference for a face-to-face conversation. Think about responding to emails with phone calls or other more direct contacts whenever the email contains negative or emotionally “hot” content. And when you reach the other person, say, “I want to talk about this with you, but I want to do it in person.” You’re worth it, and so is your relationship.

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In the film “Primary Colors,” Kathy Bates plays Libby, a character who finds out some dark (and disappointing) truths about her friends, a married couple based on Bill and Hillary Clinton. One of the many memorable lines in the film is Libby’s comment about couples and cheating: “It’s never the one who cheats who goes to hell,” she said. “It’s the one he cheated on.”

I think of this line sometimes when I’m working with people who just found out that their partner has had an affair. Sometimes the affair brings out the worst in a person: rage, despair, more rage, and a deep desire for revenge. But more often it’s a lot more complicated than that. There’s usually a lot of anger, but there’s also (in no particular order) self-doubt, sadness, confusion, shock, more sadness, and anger at one’s self for “being so clueless” or “not reading the signs.” How do you sort it all out?

First, take a breath. Just take a moment and get back in touch with the most simple things–the most simple gifts–in your life, like your breath, your heart, your health, your own basic self. Your partner did this, yes. But you still have yourself. Try to “return to the center” or practice a form of spiritual centering that works for you. (And repeat when necessary!)

Then, try to see your partner’s behavior as just that: your partner’s behavior. It’s not about your attractiveness (or lack thereof). It’s not about mistakes you made, or things you did, even if your partner says it is–or even if you think so yourself! “You drove me away!” your partner might say. But that’s not true. Your partner freely chose to have the affair. If you “drove your partner away,” that only means your partner gave you the power to do so.

As you continue to work through your pain, think about following a step-by-step process of acceptance and healing. I often recommend the book, “How Can I Forgive You?” by Janis Abrahms Spring (see the link below). This book offers more than one way to recover from an affair, whether or not you stay together as a couple, and whether or not your partner wants to cooperate with your recovery.

It can be easy for you, if your partner had an affair, to “go to hell”–by which I mean you create your own hellish existence as you struggle with your confusion, outrage, and hurt feelings. Take time to soothe yourself and work on your own “stuff” during this difficult time. Eventually you may find that the affair is a way for you to learn about yourself and do the hard but rewarding work of self-development.

“He cheated, not me. What’s wrong with me?” Nothing. Nothing at all. And you won’t always feel this upset. I can’t promise you’ll still be a couple when all of this is over, but I can promise that there is a lot you can learn–about yourself–during this difficult time.

Here’s the link to the Abrahms Spring book:

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Anyone who’s been in a romantic or committed relationship (those aren’t mutually exclusive adjectives! It’s just that some people say “romantic,” and some say “committed”)–anyone who’s been in a relationship of this kind can tell you that when they have relationship problems, it’s all too easy to see how the other person’s issues are causing the problem. “He’s so needy!” they’ll say. “I love him, but why does he seem to need me so much?!” Or, “He’s got commitment issues. His parents had a terrible marriage, and he’s afraid he’ll have the same problems.” Or, “God! Why do we have to do everything together? Can’t she find friends of her own sometimes?!”

When I hear these things in my work–or in my personal life (I’m only human after all!)–I sometimes think of Byron Katie, an author of several books on personal growth and development. I’m not an expert with her method, but I’m familiar with it and know that it’s a way for you–not your partner, not your family members, but you–to end your own suffering. She encourages people to express what frustrates them about other people, and then to “turn it around,” to turn it back on themselves. It’s not them, she’s saying. It’s you! I’m not going to show you her work–her own website is best for that–but here’s my own take on some of the situations I mentioned above:

You’re saying: “He’s so needy! I love him, but why does he seem to need me so much?”
Look at it differently: How are you the one who’s needy? If he’s needy to the point of driving you crazy, why haven’t you confronted him yet? Are you afraid he’ll fall to pieces? And if he does (because he might!), are you afraid you won’t be able to handle that yourself? Do you need him to need you? Or is it something else…do you (when it comes right down to it) feel more comfortable with things as they are, rather than telling your partner what you truly want and need for yourself? It probably won’t be pretty, but is your partner’s “neediness” really a sign for you that there’s something you haven’t done, something you haven’t said, for your own sake? Look at it this way: how is your partner’s “neediness” really just a tap on your own shoulder, reminding you that there’s something you need to work out for yourself, or do for yourself?

You’re saying: “He’s got commitment issues. His parents had a terrible marriage, and he’s afraid he’ll have the same problems.”
Look at it differently: OK, maybe you’re right. Maybe he told you exactly that! He’s a commitment-shy guy. But what does that mean for you? Do you have commitment issues? Is it possible that you’re waiting around for him to make a commitment because you yourself have some doubts, or feel a little ambivalent yourself? It’s not bad or wrong if you feel that way, but you might want to get in touch with that. What are you waiting for? It’s nice of you to give him time to come to you, time to work out his stuff and decide whether he wants to keep investing in a relationship with you. But there are no hard and fast rules about how long you must wait. “But no!” you might say. “If I don’t wait, if I break it off because he is so afraid of commitment, what if he hooks up with someone else ten minutes later?! I will have made a big mistake!” But is that really true? What are some other ways to look at it? Instead of worrying about rules and expectations, or what’s right and what’s wrong, ask yourself what you really want.

You’re saying: God! Why do we have to do everything together? Can’t she find friends of her own sometimes?!”
Look at it differently: How are you contributing to this problem? Are you afraid to tell her what you really think about your social life together? Are you afraid to tell her, “I love you, but I’d like to have some time alone, and also some time each week for just me and my friends.” Are you afraid that that sounds mean, or that she’ll freak out when you say it? Again, she might! You might be starting a fight if you do it. But even if that’s the case, are you afraid you can’t handle her reaction? If you are, then that’s something about you that you can think about. It’s something you can work on. It might be the next step in your own personal development. Think about using your relationship to strengthen yourself. It takes strength to lovingly confront another person, to tell them you feel frustrated, to ask them to work with you to change the way you two live your lives together. And it also builds strength to do this. It’s like weight-lifting. You’re building your relationship muscles by challenging yourself to confront your partner with your own feelings and thoughts, telling her exactly what it is that you want, for yourself.

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Well–I think I need to revisit an old post on “empathy, sympathy, and compassion.”

Recently I heard from commenter “ianstrever,” who said this in response to my blog post: “You got this completely wrong. The latin roots explain the difference. Empathy contains the root of ‘em’ or ‘in.’ Thus, to empathize with someone means to be ‘in’ the same situation; to feel what they feel. Sympathy contains the root ’sym/syn’ or ‘like.’ Therefore, the sympathetic person has been in a situation that is like the one someone else is experiencing, but it is not exactly the same thing.”

Not being one who wants to get stuff like this wrong, I consulted dictionary.com, and here’s what I found (bold-face emphasis added by me):

empathy–noun. 1. The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. 2. The imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself: By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self.

sympathy–noun. 1. Harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another. [...] 3. The fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble, fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration. [...] 7. Psychology. A relationship between persons in which the condition of one induces a parallel or reciprocal condition in another.

First, let’s set aside the argument about Latin roots–I’m more interested in how the words are understood and used by American English-speaking people today, even if our usage departs from the original meaning of the words.

It’s not a perfect fit, but I think these definitions support my original post: empathy is the act of understanding another person’s feelings or experiences or perspectives–”I get that you’re upset. It makes sense to me.” But one doesn’t have to share the feelings or experiences or perspectives. As it says in the definition above, empathy is the intellectual identification with another person. (And yet, the definition also says an empathic person could be having a “vicarious experiencing of” the other person’s feelings, so the waters are still a bit muddy!)

And as for sympathy, my original definition understood sympathy as sharing the feelings of another, not simply having an intellectual understanding of the feelings. “You’re upset,” a sympathetic person would say, “and I am too!” This is borne out in the definition above: “harmony of or agreement in feeling,” “the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another,” “a parallel or reciprocal condition in another.”

I was originally drawing on the work of David Burns when I wrote the post on empathy, sympathy, and compassion. I believe his understanding of empathy is consistent with my definition–it’s the act of understanding another person, if not sharing the other person’s feelings or perspective. As I said above, these definitions from dictionary.com don’t fully clarify things…the definition of empathy allows for at least a little bit of what I’d call sympathy, and the definition of sympathy allows for a little bit of compassion! But I’ll stand by my original post and continue using these three words like this:

1. Empathy: I get you.
2: Sympathy: I get you, and I share your feeling.
3: Compassion: I get you, and I want to help you.

And thanks to “ianstrever,” who challenged me to check my work and clarify my thoughts. S/he probably still disagrees with me, but it’s always good to think these things through!

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I used to be (okay, I still am) a big fan of the NBC show, “The West Wing.” In the first season, way back in 1999, one of the main characters separated from and later divorced his wife. I’ve never forgotten the scene in which they confront their serious marital problems. It was just after Leo (the husband) forgot their wedding anniversary. To make up for his mistake, he went to a lot of trouble to arrange an elaborate romantic dinner for his wife, but then he blew that too–working late at the White House, he arrived at home long after the dinner was over. I’ll reprint here the dialogue between Leo and his wife, Jenny, followed by my own comments about the situation. I think you’ll find that both characters displayed great courage and strength in this wrenching scene.

JENNY: [sighs] I can’t do this anymore. This is crazy. I don’t want to live like this. I just can’t.

LEO: I’m sorry about the anniversary. I just…

JENNY: It’s not the anniversary. It’s everything. It’s the whole thing.

LEO: This is the most important thing I’ll ever do, Jenny. I have to do it well.

JENNY: It’s not more important than your marriage.

LEO: [emphatically] It is more important than my marriage right now. These few years, while I’m doing this, yes, it’s more important than my marriage. I… I didn’t decide to do this myself, Jenny. There were many discussions.

JENNY: I think if you can find the time to…

LEO: I’m five votes down, Jenny! And I need to win. I met with the staff…

JENNY: You made the time.

LEO: I made the time tonight.

JENNY: You didn’t make the time tonight.

LEO: I hired a whole…

JENNY: Margaret phoned to confirm your nine o’clock meeting with the Vice President.

LEO: [beat] I was going to slip out for 45 minutes…

JENNY: Leo…

LEO: I was going to be right back.

JENNY: I can’t. Really.

LEO: I don’t suppose we could postpone this discussion until… It’s just the past couple of days…

JENNY: I have to go now.

LEO: Okay.

JENNY: [puts on jacket] I’ll be at the Watergate.

LEO: Okay.

JENNY: And I’ll talk to you later.

LEO: [with a catch in his throat] You’ll call me?

JENNY: Yeah. [starts to pick up bags]

LEO: You… you want me to carry that to the cab?

JENNY: It’s okay. [opens door]

LEO: [almost in tears] Call me before you go to sleep.

JENNY: Okay.

[Jenny shuts the door behind her, leaving Leo looking devastated.]

FADE OUT

I like this scene because both characters come across as strong, authentic, and (despite their anguish) sure of themselves. Leo does it first: he’s honest about his priorities, about how his work has become the most important thing in his life right now. Leo is taking responsibility for this. He’s not saying that work or career “should” be more important than marriage. He’s saying that for him–just him, and just for “these few years”–he wants to put his work first. He knows this is an awful thing to say, or at least it’s an awful thing for his wife to hear. But I like how Leo stands up and says it. When his wife confronted him with her pain, Leo didn’t lie. He didn’t try to appease her or cover over what was really going on. So… good for him.

But Jenny has some game too. She decides to leave Leo. She decides that his decision is just that–his. She doesn’t need to accept his priorities. She doesn’t have to stay in the relationship after hearing that he has made something else a higher priority. For Jenny, her marriage is the most important thing in her life. She decides to take care of herself, to pay attention to her own true wants and needs. She decides to do the hard but honest thing–to leave. So… good for her.

As difficult as this situation is, as hard and sad and gut-wrenching as it is, I think it is a good example of a “successful failure” of a marriage. If we judge Leo and Jenny’s marriage by the yardstick of their expectations on their wedding day, then it was a failure. But if we judge it by the yardstick of marriage being a way for two people to grow, mature, and develop as independent–and interdependent–human beings, then this separation and divorce was a success. It was a situation in which both Leo and Jenny consciously asserted themselves, well aware of the pain and sadness that would follow their choices. How much worse it would have been–how much more painful and sad–if they had stayed together, scared and frustrated, despite their diverging priorities!

This kind of scene is hard to witness. I see it sometimes in my work, and I’ve seen couples in my personal life who have gone through similar experiences. It’s not something I wish on anyone. In a perfect world, I suppose, it wouldn’t happen. But even in these hard situations, I think there’s a lot to be said for people who stand up for what they truly want, and who they truly are. Any marriage or partnership, whether it lasts sixty years or sixty days, can do far worse than to bring out these noble qualities in the people involved.

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(Note: I have permission to tell this story! )

A little while ago, I was talking to a client, and he told me he attempted to change his computer settings so that it was harder for him to access porn on the Internet. He was concerned that if he didn’t find a way to control his behavior–a simple, effective method, and one that was outside of his own control–he might continue to be enslaved by the siren song of Internet porn.

But he ran into a problem. His computer sent him error messages when he tried to restrict his own Web access. It turns out that the computer wouldn’t let him restrict himself because he was an administrator. He was too high on the hierarchy of his own PC to set limits for himself that were out of his own control.

My client smiled, and laughed at himself. His own computer was telling him (more or less), “Hey! You! What are you trying to do?! Make me your parent? That won’t work! If you secretly want to look at porn, but you also don’t want to, then you’ll have to control yourself. You’ll have to take charge of the situation. Sorry!”

We talked about this in our session. We talked about the concept of “locus of control.” That’s a phrase straight out of Therapy Land, a phrase that doesn’t mean much to ordinary people who speak ordinary English! But the idea is this: if I’m upset about some problem in my life, and the locus of control is outside of me, far away from me, that means I’m basically powerless. I can’t improve my situation because I’m not taking control of my own circumstances, thoughts, and feelings. If I’m not in charge, then you–or someone else, or some bigger situation I’m caught up in–you or someone else will take control of me.

But if the locus of control is within me–if it’s really me who’s in charge, well, that’s different. I’m being the administrator in my own life. I’m aware of how hard this is–how hard it is to say no to the things I could do that would diminish me, or behaviors that don’t come from my best self. I keep practicing restraint and discretion. I keep working on holding the locus of control within myself. I keep breathing, meditating. My goal is to take charge of my own agenda. My goal is to state clearly where I want to go from here. My goal is to be the administrator in my own life.

Hard? Yes. It’s even harder than you might have imagined when you first started working on your relationship problems. But worth it? Yes. It’s worth it to stay in your closest relationships–stay engaged, stay open and available–while challenging yourself to stand up for what you really, truly want in your life.

Remember: whether you want to or not, whether you feel ready or not, you’re in charge!

(And you’ll do just fine!)

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