Anyone who’s been in a romantic or committed relationship (those aren’t mutually exclusive adjectives! It’s just that some people say “romantic,” and some say “committed”)–anyone who’s been in a relationship of this kind can tell you that when they have relationship problems, it’s all too easy to see how the other person’s issues are causing the problem. “He’s so needy!” they’ll say. “I love him, but why does he seem to need me so much?!” Or, “He’s got commitment issues. His parents had a terrible marriage, and he’s afraid he’ll have the same problems.” Or, “God! Why do we have to do everything together? Can’t she find friends of her own sometimes?!”

When I hear these things in my work–or in my personal life (I’m only human after all!)–I sometimes think of Byron Katie, an author of several books on personal growth and development. I’m not an expert with her method, but I’m familiar with it and know that it’s a way for you–not your partner, not your family members, but you–to end your own suffering. She encourages people to express what frustrates them about other people, and then to “turn it around,” to turn it back on themselves. It’s not them, she’s saying. It’s you! I’m not going to show you her work–her own website is best for that–but here’s my own take on some of the situations I mentioned above:

You’re saying: “He’s so needy! I love him, but why does he seem to need me so much?”
Look at it differently: How are you the one who’s needy? If he’s needy to the point of driving you crazy, why haven’t you confronted him yet? Are you afraid he’ll fall to pieces? And if he does (because he might!), are you afraid you won’t be able to handle that yourself? Do you need him to need you? Or is it something else…do you (when it comes right down to it) feel more comfortable with things as they are, rather than telling your partner what you truly want and need for yourself? It probably won’t be pretty, but is your partner’s “neediness” really a sign for you that there’s something you haven’t done, something you haven’t said, for your own sake? Look at it this way: how is your partner’s “neediness” really just a tap on your own shoulder, reminding you that there’s something you need to work out for yourself, or do for yourself?

You’re saying: “He’s got commitment issues. His parents had a terrible marriage, and he’s afraid he’ll have the same problems.”
Look at it differently: OK, maybe you’re right. Maybe he told you exactly that! He’s a commitment-shy guy. But what does that mean for you? Do you have commitment issues? Is it possible that you’re waiting around for him to make a commitment because you yourself have some doubts, or feel a little ambivalent yourself? It’s not bad or wrong if you feel that way, but you might want to get in touch with that. What are you waiting for? It’s nice of you to give him time to come to you, time to work out his stuff and decide whether he wants to keep investing in a relationship with you. But there are no hard and fast rules about how long you must wait. “But no!” you might say. “If I don’t wait, if I break it off because he is so afraid of commitment, what if he hooks up with someone else ten minutes later?! I will have made a big mistake!” But is that really true? What are some other ways to look at it? Instead of worrying about rules and expectations, or what’s right and what’s wrong, ask yourself what you really want.

You’re saying: God! Why do we have to do everything together? Can’t she find friends of her own sometimes?!”
Look at it differently: How are you contributing to this problem? Are you afraid to tell her what you really think about your social life together? Are you afraid to tell her, “I love you, but I’d like to have some time alone, and also some time each week for just me and my friends.” Are you afraid that that sounds mean, or that she’ll freak out when you say it? Again, she might! You might be starting a fight if you do it. But even if that’s the case, are you afraid you can’t handle her reaction? If you are, then that’s something about you that you can think about. It’s something you can work on. It might be the next step in your own personal development. Think about using your relationship to strengthen yourself. It takes strength to lovingly confront another person, to tell them you feel frustrated, to ask them to work with you to change the way you two live your lives together. And it also builds strength to do this. It’s like weight-lifting. You’re building your relationship muscles by challenging yourself to confront your partner with your own feelings and thoughts, telling her exactly what it is that you want, for yourself.

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Well–I think I need to revisit an old post on “empathy, sympathy, and compassion.”

Recently I heard from commenter “ianstrever,” who said this in response to my blog post: “You got this completely wrong. The latin roots explain the difference. Empathy contains the root of ‘em’ or ‘in.’ Thus, to empathize with someone means to be ‘in’ the same situation; to feel what they feel. Sympathy contains the root ’sym/syn’ or ‘like.’ Therefore, the sympathetic person has been in a situation that is like the one someone else is experiencing, but it is not exactly the same thing.”

Not being one who wants to get stuff like this wrong, I consulted dictionary.com, and here’s what I found (bold-face emphasis added by me):

empathy–noun. 1. The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. 2. The imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself: By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self.

sympathy–noun. 1. Harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another. [...] 3. The fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble, fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration. [...] 7. Psychology. A relationship between persons in which the condition of one induces a parallel or reciprocal condition in another.

First, let’s set aside the argument about Latin roots–I’m more interested in how the words are understood and used by American English-speaking people today, even if our usage departs from the original meaning of the words.

It’s not a perfect fit, but I think these definitions support my original post: empathy is the act of understanding another person’s feelings or experiences or perspectives–”I get that you’re upset. It makes sense to me.” But one doesn’t have to share the feelings or experiences or perspectives. As it says in the definition above, empathy is the intellectual identification with another person. (And yet, the definition also says an empathic person could be having a “vicarious experiencing of” the other person’s feelings, so the waters are still a bit muddy!)

And as for sympathy, my original definition understood sympathy as sharing the feelings of another, not simply having an intellectual understanding of the feelings. “You’re upset,” a sympathetic person would say, “and I am too!” This is borne out in the definition above: “harmony of or agreement in feeling,” “the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another,” “a parallel or reciprocal condition in another.”

I was originally drawing on the work of David Burns when I wrote the post on empathy, sympathy, and compassion. I believe his understanding of empathy is consistent with my definition–it’s the act of understanding another person, if not sharing the other person’s feelings or perspective. As I said above, these definitions from dictionary.com don’t fully clarify things…the definition of empathy allows for at least a little bit of what I’d call sympathy, and the definition of sympathy allows for a little bit of compassion! But I’ll stand by my original post and continue using these three words like this:

1. Empathy: I get you.
2: Sympathy: I get you, and I share your feeling.
3: Compassion: I get you, and I want to help you.

And thanks to “ianstrever,” who challenged me to check my work and clarify my thoughts. S/he probably still disagrees with me, but it’s always good to think these things through!

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I used to be (okay, I still am) a big fan of the NBC show, “The West Wing.” In the first season, way back in 1999, one of the main characters separated from and later divorced his wife. I’ve never forgotten the scene in which they confront their serious marital problems. It was just after Leo (the husband) forgot their wedding anniversary. To make up for his mistake, he went to a lot of trouble to arrange an elaborate romantic dinner for his wife, but then he blew that too–working late at the White House, he arrived at home long after the dinner was over. I’ll reprint here the dialogue between Leo and his wife, Jenny, followed by my own comments about the situation. I think you’ll find that both characters displayed great courage and strength in this wrenching scene.

JENNY: [sighs] I can’t do this anymore. This is crazy. I don’t want to live like this. I just can’t.

LEO: I’m sorry about the anniversary. I just…

JENNY: It’s not the anniversary. It’s everything. It’s the whole thing.

LEO: This is the most important thing I’ll ever do, Jenny. I have to do it well.

JENNY: It’s not more important than your marriage.

LEO: [emphatically] It is more important than my marriage right now. These few years, while I’m doing this, yes, it’s more important than my marriage. I… I didn’t decide to do this myself, Jenny. There were many discussions.

JENNY: I think if you can find the time to…

LEO: I’m five votes down, Jenny! And I need to win. I met with the staff…

JENNY: You made the time.

LEO: I made the time tonight.

JENNY: You didn’t make the time tonight.

LEO: I hired a whole…

JENNY: Margaret phoned to confirm your nine o’clock meeting with the Vice President.

LEO: [beat] I was going to slip out for 45 minutes…

JENNY: Leo…

LEO: I was going to be right back.

JENNY: I can’t. Really.

LEO: I don’t suppose we could postpone this discussion until… It’s just the past couple of days…

JENNY: I have to go now.

LEO: Okay.

JENNY: [puts on jacket] I’ll be at the Watergate.

LEO: Okay.

JENNY: And I’ll talk to you later.

LEO: [with a catch in his throat] You’ll call me?

JENNY: Yeah. [starts to pick up bags]

LEO: You… you want me to carry that to the cab?

JENNY: It’s okay. [opens door]

LEO: [almost in tears] Call me before you go to sleep.

JENNY: Okay.

[Jenny shuts the door behind her, leaving Leo looking devastated.]

FADE OUT

I like this scene because both characters come across as strong, authentic, and (despite their anguish) sure of themselves. Leo does it first: he’s honest about his priorities, about how his work has become the most important thing in his life right now. Leo is taking responsibility for this. He’s not saying that work or career “should” be more important than marriage. He’s saying that for him–just him, and just for “these few years”–he wants to put his work first. He knows this is an awful thing to say, or at least it’s an awful thing for his wife to hear. But I like how Leo stands up and says it. When his wife confronted him with her pain, Leo didn’t lie. He didn’t try to appease her or cover over what was really going on. So… good for him.

But Jenny has some game too. She decides to leave Leo. She decides that his decision is just that–his. She doesn’t need to accept his priorities. She doesn’t have to stay in the relationship after hearing that he has made something else a higher priority. For Jenny, her marriage is the most important thing in her life. She decides to take care of herself, to pay attention to her own true wants and needs. She decides to do the hard but honest thing–to leave. So… good for her.

As difficult as this situation is, as hard and sad and gut-wrenching as it is, I think it is a good example of a “successful failure” of a marriage. If we judge Leo and Jenny’s marriage by the yardstick of their expectations on their wedding day, then it was a failure. But if we judge it by the yardstick of marriage being a way for two people to grow, mature, and develop as independent–and interdependent–human beings, then this separation and divorce was a success. It was a situation in which both Leo and Jenny consciously asserted themselves, well aware of the pain and sadness that would follow their choices. How much worse it would have been–how much more painful and sad–if they had stayed together, scared and frustrated, despite their diverging priorities!

This kind of scene is hard to witness. I see it sometimes in my work, and I’ve seen couples in my personal life who have gone through similar experiences. It’s not something I wish on anyone. In a perfect world, I suppose, it wouldn’t happen. But even in these hard situations, I think there’s a lot to be said for people who stand up for what they truly want, and who they truly are. Any marriage or partnership, whether it lasts sixty years or sixty days, can do far worse than to bring out these noble qualities in the people involved.

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(Note: I have permission to tell this story! )

A little while ago, I was talking to a client, and he told me he attempted to change his computer settings so that it was harder for him to access porn on the Internet. He was concerned that if he didn’t find a way to control his behavior–a simple, effective method, and one that was outside of his own control–he might continue to be enslaved by the siren song of Internet porn.

But he ran into a problem. His computer sent him error messages when he tried to restrict his own Web access. It turns out that the computer wouldn’t let him restrict himself because he was an administrator. He was too high on the hierarchy of his own PC to set limits for himself that were out of his own control.

My client smiled, and laughed at himself. His own computer was telling him (more or less), “Hey! You! What are you trying to do?! Make me your parent? That won’t work! If you secretly want to look at porn, but you also don’t want to, then you’ll have to control yourself. You’ll have to take charge of the situation. Sorry!”

We talked about this in our session. We talked about the concept of “locus of control.” That’s a phrase straight out of Therapy Land, a phrase that doesn’t mean much to ordinary people who speak ordinary English! But the idea is this: if I’m upset about some problem in my life, and the locus of control is outside of me, far away from me, that means I’m basically powerless. I can’t improve my situation because I’m not taking control of my own circumstances, thoughts, and feelings. If I’m not in charge, then you–or someone else, or some bigger situation I’m caught up in–you or someone else will take control of me.

But if the locus of control is within me–if it’s really me who’s in charge, well, that’s different. I’m being the administrator in my own life. I’m aware of how hard this is–how hard it is to say no to the things I could do that would diminish me, or behaviors that don’t come from my best self. I keep practicing restraint and discretion. I keep working on holding the locus of control within myself. I keep breathing, meditating. My goal is to take charge of my own agenda. My goal is to state clearly where I want to go from here. My goal is to be the administrator in my own life.

Hard? Yes. It’s even harder than you might have imagined when you first started working on your relationship problems. But worth it? Yes. It’s worth it to stay in your closest relationships–stay engaged, stay open and available–while challenging yourself to stand up for what you really, truly want in your life.

Remember: whether you want to or not, whether you feel ready or not, you’re in charge!

(And you’ll do just fine!)

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Lately I’ve been reviewing the work of John Gottman, a well-known psychotherapist, researcher, and scholar who has devoted his career to helping couples. The Gottman Institute offers great workshops for couples, and Dr. Gottman has published several books on marriage, interpersonal problems, couples with children, you name it.

Here’s a link to a great page on the Gottman Institute’s Web site. It offers several basic tips for couples, and a few surprises. For example, one of the tips is, “Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.” This flies in the face of a common assumption: that if we just express everything that’s on our minds, we’ll be a healthier couple. Not so! I like Gottman’s work because he models it on his extensive observation of healthy couples, couples he calls “masters of marriage.” Gottman has found that these healthy couples usually don’t sound like they’re amped up on self-help books. They’ve figured out how to relate authentically with one another, dealing with both positive and negative emotions. But they’ve also learned that, well, I’ll say it this way: they’ve learned that discretion is often the better part of happiness!

Check out Gottman’s work. It’s a great way to learn how to improve your relationship!

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I posted on this late last year, but it keeps coming up in my work with clients, so I think it’s worth posting again. How do you really clear the air in your relationships? How do you talk to others in a healthy way, particularly when tempers are short?

This technique was developed by Gaelen Billingsley, another great therapist in Seattle. (I suppose someone might say it will hurt my business if I recommend someone else who does what I do, but hey, that’s how good she is!). It’s a method in which you state clearly three basic things:

1. Your feelings. Keep them simple, and take full ownership of them. I feel mad. I feel upset. I feel scared. I feel nervous. I feel frustrated. If you’re saying, “I feel like you don’t respect me,” that’s not a feeling. It’s a thought, a judgment, an assumption. Usually the word “like” is a clue that you’re expressing a thought, not a feeling.

2. Your thoughts. Again, take full ownership. “I think you don’t respect me because you said something I thought was insulting.” Did you notice that statement contains two thoughts? You think he doesn’t respect you, and you think so because he said something you thought was insulting. It helps to sort out your thoughts from your feelings because otherwise, how can the other person really respond to your problem? If you’re lost in your feelings and convinced the other person harmed you, you’re not in a position to listen to the other person’s perspective, let alone reconcile.

3. State clearly your request. “I just want you to hear me out. That’s all.” Or, “I want to know what you were really thinking about me when you said that.” “I would like us to talk this out. Can you help me?”

Finally, think about this: the other person may not honor your request. She might not want to talk. He might not want to tell you what he was really thinking. That’s disappointing, but it’s the other person’s right to respond in whatever way they choose. Thank them anyway for giving you time to state clearly your feelings and thoughts. And keep practicing this technique. It’s not a once-in-a-lifetime thing to do. It’s a new way of relating.

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If you’re already one of my clients, you probably know that I’m a big fan of David Schnarch, the well-known marriage/couple therapist. I want to talk today about his take on hugging, and how you can use hugging to grow and change in your relationship.

Schnarch encourages couples to try his “Hugging Until Relaxed” technique, and the goal is this: to build your own ability to hold on to yourself while remaining emotionally close to your partner. He begins by describing emotionally unhealthy “A-frame” hugs. Let’s say you and I are hugging in an “A-frame” way. That means we’re in an A-frame position, leaning into each other. So if I’m leaning on you and you stumble or fall, or you willingly step back, what happens? I fall down. I’m not standing on my own two feet. I am over-dependent on you.

The healthy hug is different. You and I are embracing, but we’re both standing squarely on our own two feet. That means that we’re close to each other, looking into each other’s eyes, slowly matching our breathing, tuning into each other, and yet we’re not leaning on each other. It means that if you choose to step back, I won’t fall. I might be sad or disappointed, but I won’t fall apart.

When two people hug in this way, especially when they’re doing it intentionally in an effort to grow and change, they notice their anxiety going up, way up. That’s because it’s really hard to be close–and stay close–to someone who’s important to you without the closeness challenging you. Think of it this way: we’re hugging while standing on our own two feet. That means you don’t need me, and yet you are really close to me. You may not even need to be needed by me (if you truly have your emotional sh*t together!). Can you understand how scary that can be for someone who doesn’t know how to take care of his/herself?

In the “Hugging Until Relaxed” technique, couples quickly find out how being close to someone who’s important to you drives up your anxiety, and challenges you to take care of yourself. You might start to sense that your partner wants to stop the hug. Or you might want to stop yourself, but start worrying that your partner will be hurt or offended. You’re fretting about your partner instead of confronting your own “stuff.” But stay with it. Stay close, and try to learn from your anxiety.

Remember: your instincts tell you that when your partner is driving up your anxiety, either because of how important s/he is to you, or how close (both emotionally and physically) s/he is to you, your instincts tell you to either 1) get some distance or 2) diminish your partner’s importance to you. In the “Hugging Until Relaxed” exercise, you are challenging yourself to stay with it, to work with your own anxiety the way you would climb a mountain, or wrestle with a worthy adversary.

Who thought hugging could be such a challenging and transforming thing to do?!

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I wanted to say one more thing about the “drama triangle.” Sometimes, when people are setting healthy boundaries in their relationships, or when they’re being told to do that, they assume it means they need to be cold or aloof. And often enough they’re accused of being cold and aloof. But that’s not the case, or at least it doesn’t have to be. Even though you may seem to be more distant, and even though you’re practicing new behaviors in which you and the other person are not taking care of each other in the old, overinvolved way, you may still be deeply in love with the other person, or have other strong feelings of care and concern.

It’s not about becoming an android. It’s not about forcing yourself not to care. You still care, and you may have many deep feelings for those around you who are still caught up in the drama triangle. I like to think of it this way: my actions look more balanced and stable, but my heart is still burning with love. I’m tending to my boundaries, and even though people might accuse me of being aloof, I know that healthy boundaries are the best way to truly show love and care to another person.

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You’ve seen it before: someone you know is being a “drama queen.” You might be told that you yourself are being melodramatic, and often enough the feedback isn’t very polite: “Save the drama for your mama!” So here’s a quick introduction to the “drama triangle,” a concept from Transactional Analysis.

Here’s how it works: if you are being a so-called “drama queen,” you are playing one of three roles. You’re either the victim, the persecutor, or the rescuer. The thing is, if you are playing one of these roles, soon enough you’ll end up playing one of the other two. A victim might over-identify with his victim status and end up persecuting those who are trying to help him. You’ve seen this before. Someone has been hurt or wronged, and instead of healing and moving forward with life, she acts out in her relationships and can’t seem to stop hurting others with her unresolved anger.

If you find yourself in the role of rescuer, you’re not off the hook. In the drama triangle, rescuers aren’t the wonderful, altruistic saviors they might appear to be. They have mixed motives. Their rescuing behaviors are to some extent self-serving. In their effort to help the victim, they could start playing the persecutor role by overprotecting and hovering over the victim, or attacking the original persecutor in acts of revenge. Overprotecting a victim prevents the victim from recovering from the injury and letting go of the victim role, so if you’re the rescuer, you’re now harming the victim by getting in the way of his recovery. And teaming up with the victim to get revenge on the persecutor…well, it’s easy to see how you yourself can become the person you say you hate.

The drama triangle helps us see how one person’s dramatic behavior is actually part of a larger system. Sometimes I say it this way: “everybody is bringing the crazy!” Even if only one person has serious emotional or behavioral problems, family and friends around that person can get caught up in the crisis. It’s helpful to see it this way because it gives us a bird’s-eye view of what’s going on, and that means we can come up with more possible solutions. Let’s say you see yourself as the only sane person in your family. (And who knows? Maybe you are!) Well, if that’s true, then begin noticing how you get caught in the triangle, and experiment with your own behaviors. If you’re the rescuer, for example, you can practice stepping back from the victim and allowing him to cope with his problems as an adult. You can still be loving and nurturing with the victim, but start setting up some healthy boundaries. Even if you’re not thanked for it (and you won’t be–people in the drama triangle don’t like it when you stop playing along), you are blazing a trail away from the triangle, and others might choose to follow you.

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This is a variation on the “love but not in love” problem. And let me say something right off the top: this is really hard. It can be a very sad situation. If one of you is thinking this, or saying this to the other, I just want to acknowledge the deep pain and sadness you both might be feeling right now.

When you feel this way, it’s easy to think the situation is hopeless. It’s never been great, so why try to fix it? We’ve never had a great relationship, so what good would it do to talk about it, let alone see a counselor about it?

Here are some steps you can follow if you find yourself thinking, “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you.”

1) Go there. Notice what’s going on for you, no matter how sad, frustrating, or painful. Maybe you are angry with yourself because you think you’ve been living a lie all this time, and it’s not fair to your partner. It’s also not fair to yourself—it’s not your best self. (More on that idea later.) Don’t have a “pity party,” but take space and time to tune into yourself.

2) Think about this idea: that indeed you haven’t ever loved him/her, but that’s not necessarily “bad” or “wrong,” and neither is it a hopeless situation. Think of it this way: if you’re now becoming aware that you’ve never loved your partner, you may be getting to a point in your life where you are actually ready—perhaps for the first time—to pursue a scary yet exhilarating relationship with someone else. Human beings reach physical sexual maturity in their teens, but our sexual development as thinking and feeling persons takes our whole lives. Perhaps you’ve never loved, period! At least you haven’t loved in the way you’re now sure you want to: with passion, sexual and otherwise. With closeness, scary and exhilarating as it can be. With energy and fire, with crisis and joy. Is it possible that you can have this with your current partner? I don’t know, but you might want to keep an open mind about it.

3) Now, about your next move. Let’s go back to what I said above about your “best self.” If you don’t think you’ve ever loved your partner, you might be right, but it might not be the end. As you move forward, try to move forward with the best of you. This means, your best characteristics, your best gifts, your best and strongest self. This involves a few steps: a) take care of your physical self. Follow a pattern of rest, exercise, eating, and drinking that helps you feel your best. b) Own up to your own “stuff,” and practice accountability. You don’t think you’ve ever loved your partner? Okay. So hold yourself accountable for that, in a positive way. “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you” can be just the first thing you say. The next thing you say could be, “I’d like to work on it. It’s not all about you, or even us. I’m willing to take the risk of counseling, or trying out new behaviors, or making changes to our routine, or …”

4) It’s also a positive move to end the relationship while holding yourself accountable for your own thoughts and feelings. If “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you” leads your best self to say goodbye to your partner, do it gracefully, respectfully. Don’t “shoot ‘em an email.” Stand up and do it right, because you don’t just want to be happy in a relationship (or happy outside of one), you want to be your best self when you’re relating to others. And you can’t have relationship happiness of any kind without doing that, or doing it at least some of the time. (We all have our moments!)

No honest therapist can promise you’ll get through something like this with your relationship intact. But I can say this: the thought, “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you…” can often be a sign that your own growth and development—and possibly the growth and development of your relationship—is about to take a leap. A painful leap? Usually. But it’s what we humans are all about. It’s why it takes us a lifetime to become our truest and best selves.

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