I posted on this late last year, but it keeps coming up in my work with clients, so I think it’s worth posting again. How do you really clear the air in your relationships? How do you talk to others in a healthy way, particularly when tempers are short?

This technique was developed by Gaelen Billingsley, another great therapist in Seattle. (I suppose someone might say it will hurt my business if I recommend someone else who does what I do, but hey, that’s how good she is!). It’s a method in which you state clearly three basic things:

1. Your feelings. Keep them simple, and take full ownership of them. I feel mad. I feel upset. I feel scared. I feel nervous. I feel frustrated. If you’re saying, “I feel like you don’t respect me,” that’s not a feeling. It’s a thought, a judgment, an assumption. Usually the word “like” is a clue that you’re expressing a thought, not a feeling.

2. Your thoughts. Again, take full ownership. “I think you don’t respect me because you said something I thought was insulting.” Did you notice that statement contains two thoughts? You think he doesn’t respect you, and you think so because he said something you thought was insulting. It helps to sort out your thoughts from your feelings because otherwise, how can the other person really respond to your problem? If you’re lost in your feelings and convinced the other person harmed you, you’re not in a position to listen to the other person’s perspective, let alone reconcile.

3. State clearly your request. “I just want you to hear me out. That’s all.” Or, “I want to know what you were really thinking about me when you said that.” “I would like us to talk this out. Can you help me?”

Finally, think about this: the other person may not honor your request. She might not want to talk. He might not want to tell you what he was really thinking. That’s disappointing, but it’s the other person’s right to respond in whatever way they choose. Thank them anyway for giving you time to state clearly your feelings and thoughts. And keep practicing this technique. It’s not a once-in-a-lifetime thing to do. It’s a new way of relating.

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If you’re already one of my clients, you probably know that I’m a big fan of David Schnarch, the well-known marriage/couple therapist. I want to talk today about his take on hugging, and how you can use hugging to grow and change in your relationship.

Schnarch encourages couples to try his “Hugging Until Relaxed” technique, and the goal is this: to build your own ability to hold on to yourself while remaining emotionally close to your partner. He begins by describing emotionally unhealthy “A-frame” hugs. Let’s say you and I are hugging in an “A-frame” way. That means we’re in an A-frame position, leaning into each other. So if I’m leaning on you and you stumble or fall, or you willingly step back, what happens? I fall down. I’m not standing on my own two feet. I am over-dependent on you.

The healthy hug is different. You and I are embracing, but we’re both standing squarely on our own two feet. That means that we’re close to each other, looking into each other’s eyes, slowly matching our breathing, tuning into each other, and yet we’re not leaning on each other. It means that if you choose to step back, I won’t fall. I might be sad or disappointed, but I won’t fall apart.

When two people hug in this way, especially when they’re doing it intentionally in an effort to grow and change, they notice their anxiety going up, way up. That’s because it’s really hard to be close–and stay close–to someone who’s important to you without the closeness challenging you. Think of it this way: we’re hugging while standing on our own two feet. That means you don’t need me, and yet you are really close to me. You may not even need to be needed by me (if you truly have your emotional sh*t together!). Can you understand how scary that can be for someone who doesn’t know how to take care of his/herself?

In the “Hugging Until Relaxed” technique, couples quickly find out how being close to someone who’s important to you drives up your anxiety, and challenges you to take care of yourself. You might start to sense that your partner wants to stop the hug. Or you might want to stop yourself, but start worrying that your partner will be hurt or offended. You’re fretting about your partner instead of confronting your own “stuff.” But stay with it. Stay close, and try to learn from your anxiety.

Remember: your instincts tell you that when your partner is driving up your anxiety, either because of how important s/he is to you, or how close (both emotionally and physically) s/he is to you, your instincts tell you to either 1) get some distance or 2) diminish your partner’s importance to you. In the “Hugging Until Relaxed” exercise, you are challenging yourself to stay with it, to work with your own anxiety the way you would climb a mountain, or wrestle with a worthy adversary.

Who thought hugging could be such a challenging and transforming thing to do?!

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I wanted to say one more thing about the “drama triangle.” Sometimes, when people are setting healthy boundaries in their relationships, or when they’re being told to do that, they assume it means they need to be cold or aloof. And often enough they’re accused of being cold and aloof. But that’s not the case, or at least it doesn’t have to be. Even though you may seem to be more distant, and even though you’re practicing new behaviors in which you and the other person are not taking care of each other in the old, overinvolved way, you may still be deeply in love with the other person, or have other strong feelings of care and concern.

It’s not about becoming an android. It’s not about forcing yourself not to care. You still care, and you may have many deep feelings for those around you who are still caught up in the drama triangle. I like to think of it this way: my actions look more balanced and stable, but my heart is still burning with love. I’m tending to my boundaries, and even though people might accuse me of being aloof, I know that healthy boundaries are the best way to truly show love and care to another person.

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You’ve seen it before: someone you know is being a “drama queen.” You might be told that you yourself are being melodramatic, and often enough the feedback isn’t very polite: “Save the drama for your mama!” So here’s a quick introduction to the “drama triangle,” a concept from Transactional Analysis.

Here’s how it works: if you are being a so-called “drama queen,” you are playing one of three roles. You’re either the victim, the persecutor, or the rescuer. The thing is, if you are playing one of these roles, soon enough you’ll end up playing one of the other two. A victim might over-identify with his victim status and end up persecuting those who are trying to help him. You’ve seen this before. Someone has been hurt or wronged, and instead of healing and moving forward with life, she acts out in her relationships and can’t seem to stop hurting others with her unresolved anger.

If you find yourself in the role of rescuer, you’re not off the hook. In the drama triangle, rescuers aren’t the wonderful, altruistic saviors they might appear to be. They have mixed motives. Their rescuing behaviors are to some extent self-serving. In their effort to help the victim, they could start playing the persecutor role by overprotecting and hovering over the victim, or attacking the original persecutor in acts of revenge. Overprotecting a victim prevents the victim from recovering from the injury and letting go of the victim role, so if you’re the rescuer, you’re now harming the victim by getting in the way of his recovery. And teaming up with the victim to get revenge on the persecutor…well, it’s easy to see how you yourself can become the person you say you hate.

The drama triangle helps us see how one person’s dramatic behavior is actually part of a larger system. Sometimes I say it this way: “everybody is bringing the crazy!” Even if only one person has serious emotional or behavioral problems, family and friends around that person can get caught up in the crisis. It’s helpful to see it this way because it gives us a bird’s-eye view of what’s going on, and that means we can come up with more possible solutions. Let’s say you see yourself as the only sane person in your family. (And who knows? Maybe you are!) Well, if that’s true, then begin noticing how you get caught in the triangle, and experiment with your own behaviors. If you’re the rescuer, for example, you can practice stepping back from the victim and allowing him to cope with his problems as an adult. You can still be loving and nurturing with the victim, but start setting up some healthy boundaries. Even if you’re not thanked for it (and you won’t be–people in the drama triangle don’t like it when you stop playing along), you are blazing a trail away from the triangle, and others might choose to follow you.

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This is a variation on the “love but not in love” problem. And let me say something right off the top: this is really hard. It can be a very sad situation. If one of you is thinking this, or saying this to the other, I just want to acknowledge the deep pain and sadness you both might be feeling right now.

When you feel this way, it’s easy to think the situation is hopeless. It’s never been great, so why try to fix it? We’ve never had a great relationship, so what good would it do to talk about it, let alone see a counselor about it?

Here are some steps you can follow if you find yourself thinking, “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you.”

1) Go there. Notice what’s going on for you, no matter how sad, frustrating, or painful. Maybe you are angry with yourself because you think you’ve been living a lie all this time, and it’s not fair to your partner. It’s also not fair to yourself—it’s not your best self. (More on that idea later.) Don’t have a “pity party,” but take space and time to tune into yourself.

2) Think about this idea: that indeed you haven’t ever loved him/her, but that’s not necessarily “bad” or “wrong,” and neither is it a hopeless situation. Think of it this way: if you’re now becoming aware that you’ve never loved your partner, you may be getting to a point in your life where you are actually ready—perhaps for the first time—to pursue a scary yet exhilarating relationship with someone else. Human beings reach physical sexual maturity in their teens, but our sexual development as thinking and feeling persons takes our whole lives. Perhaps you’ve never loved, period! At least you haven’t loved in the way you’re now sure you want to: with passion, sexual and otherwise. With closeness, scary and exhilarating as it can be. With energy and fire, with crisis and joy. Is it possible that you can have this with your current partner? I don’t know, but you might want to keep an open mind about it.

3) Now, about your next move. Let’s go back to what I said above about your “best self.” If you don’t think you’ve ever loved your partner, you might be right, but it might not be the end. As you move forward, try to move forward with the best of you. This means, your best characteristics, your best gifts, your best and strongest self. This involves a few steps: a) take care of your physical self. Follow a pattern of rest, exercise, eating, and drinking that helps you feel your best. b) Own up to your own “stuff,” and practice accountability. You don’t think you’ve ever loved your partner? Okay. So hold yourself accountable for that, in a positive way. “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you” can be just the first thing you say. The next thing you say could be, “I’d like to work on it. It’s not all about you, or even us. I’m willing to take the risk of counseling, or trying out new behaviors, or making changes to our routine, or …”

4) It’s also a positive move to end the relationship while holding yourself accountable for your own thoughts and feelings. If “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you” leads your best self to say goodbye to your partner, do it gracefully, respectfully. Don’t “shoot ‘em an email.” Stand up and do it right, because you don’t just want to be happy in a relationship (or happy outside of one), you want to be your best self when you’re relating to others. And you can’t have relationship happiness of any kind without doing that, or doing it at least some of the time. (We all have our moments!)

No honest therapist can promise you’ll get through something like this with your relationship intact. But I can say this: the thought, “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you…” can often be a sign that your own growth and development—and possibly the growth and development of your relationship—is about to take a leap. A painful leap? Usually. But it’s what we humans are all about. It’s why it takes us a lifetime to become our truest and best selves.

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Lots of people are interested in this topic! People want to know, what do I do if I love my partner, but am not in love? Or if my partner just told me that, what should I do?

In previous posts I talked about how this thought might be masking a deeper concern you have about your relationship, or your partner. It might be a way to avoid a harder conversation. Or it might be a sign that your relationship is on the brink of change, that one or both of you feels stuck, or bored, and (if you choose to do this) you’re about to enter what marriage therapist David Schnarch calls a “growth cycle.”

But you might still be asking, what do I do??! Tell me what I should do!

OK. Here’s what you should do! First, take a deep breath. Remember that the best thing to do first—in almost any relationship crisis—is to calm yourself down. Then, think about following these basic guidelines:

I’m the one who feels I love him/her, but I’m not in love. If this is your position, you might be feeling this way because the passion is gone. Maybe you don’t feel aroused anymore, or you’ve lost your sexual desire with your partner. (And maybe you haven’t lost it in other contexts, and that scares you!) This might be because you have slowly stopped bringing your full self into your relationship with your partner. What’s your full self? Lots of things: your deepest feelings—and some of them aren’t pleasant and pretty! But holding them back can squelch passion. Maybe you’re holding back sexual fantasies you have, or sexual activities you’d like to try, because you’re scared your partner will think they’re weird, or think you’re weird! Or maybe there’s something wrong in your life right now—physically, or in your workplace, or with family and friends—and you’re pulling back from your partner out of a misplaced sense of caution and fear. Sometimes, when you notice this anxiety but get closer to your partner in spite of it, it can lead to a passionate connection. And I don’t mean (necessarily) sexual passion—that can come a little later! It could happen like this: you take your partner’s hand, make eye contact, and disclose something that’s going on with you, something you were holding back. The purpose is not to solve a problem, or get your partner to help you. The purpose is simply to connect.

If it’s (let’s say) a sexual fantasy that you’re scared to reveal, this connection might take you places—some of them scary! Your partner might resist, or feel pressured and uncomfortable. That’s okay. It’s normal. (And it might help for you to say that to your partner.) You might want to follow your disclosure with a request that your partner can respond to in some way. “I’m telling you about this,” you could say, “because I want to be closer to you, to connect to you, and find more passion together with you…and because I’d like to try some new things…” The idea here is that the loss of passion is not your partner’s “fault,” or yours for that matter. It’s that the relationship has gotten a little routine, a little boring. And the relationship has evolved to a point where you (and probably your partner) are holding yourselves back, mostly out of fear or doubt.

My partner gave me the line, “I love you, but I’m not in love.” If this is your position, I once again recommend that you do some self-soothing, some calming down, all on your own. You’ll be in a better position to respond to your partner if you’re getting better at taking care of yourself, holding yourself together. As you’re doing that, it’s a good idea to remember a couple of things:

1) Every relationship—every single one—goes through periods of routine/stasis/boredom. It’s normal. It happens because every human being on earth—every single one—likes things to be comfortable and predictable at least some of the time.

2) Your partner’s comment is a sign that something is about to change in the relationship. It’s not necessarily a sign that the relationship is over. (No promises: it might be. I’m just saying there might be other things going on.) The other things? It could be that your partner simply wants to grow and change with you. S/he is feeling a little bored, or stuck. What comes next might be challenging and scary—look at the scenario above and imagine it’s you who’s hearing your partner’s sexual fantasy!—but it’s good news for the relationship. Or it could be that your partner is having a hard time sorting something out, and that not all of it is about you. Ask your partner. Keep calming yourself down and try to connect.

3) You might consider your own take on the relationship at this point. It’s probably a safe bet that if your partner is giving you the “love but not in love” line, you yourself are not too thrilled about how things are going. Think about what you really, really want from your primary relationship—even if you’re scared your partner won’t want to share it with you—and challenge yourself to speak more openly about where your heart is right now. Try not to be defensive. Try to see this as an opportunity to take the relationship somewhere new. Try to remember that it’s not about you—or at least it’s not about you alone. It’s about the shared reality of your relationship.

4) Did I mention it’s a good idea to calm yourself down?! Well, it’s worth saying again!

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Lots of people were interested in my recent post about the statement, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you,” so I thought I’d say more about it. Here’s another way to look at it: it’s a statement that means, “We’re stuck,” but it may also mean, “I don’t have much hope that we’ll get unstuck.”

You could use different words than “stuck” to get at the meaning of “I love you, but I’m not in love.” Stagnant. Stalled. Frustrated. Powerless. Listless. You get the idea. If you think you love your partner, but you’re not “in love” anymore, that’s a “stuck” statement. So here’s something to think about if you feel hopeless about it:

I blogged earlier today on the concept of the “comfort-safety” cycle and the “growth cycle.” The statement “I love you, but I’m not in love” could be a way of saying that you’re on the brink of a growth cycle. It might not mean it’s over. In fact, it might mean the opposite! Every relationship—every single one—will run into this problem from time to time. You’ve been going along, accommodating each other, keeping anxiety low, settling into routines, meeting each other’s expectations, and then you wake up one day and realize, “Oh no! I love him, but I’m not in love with him.”

If you feel this way, but you still want to see if you can salvage the relationship, then I invite you to see this as a sign that you’re on the brink of growth and change. The hard part is that you’re also on the brink of increased anxiety, confusion, possible conflict, resistance, and did I mention confusion?!

All this means that I’m now offering two possible explanations of the “love but not in love” statement: 1) as I discussed in my previous post, it might mean that you or your partner is shying away from speaking some deeper truth about the relationship, or about what you really, truly want in (or out of) the relationship. And 2) it could mean that you two have arrived at the brink of a “growth cycle,” and that as hard as the next stage of your relationship might be, there’s a real chance that you could make great progress together and find increased excitement, joy, and fulfillment in your lives together.

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So, here’s the good news: if you are trying to avoid scary changes or growth in your relationship, rest assured, that’s normal! It’s only natural to want to “keep the peace,” or do things the way you both have done them for a long, long time. You might be following a regular pattern of communication, or a dependable pattern of sexual behaviors and routines. That’s not a problem. Again, it’s perfectly natural.

But (and you knew I was about to say “But…”!) you will sometimes find yourself having serious problems with your relationship as it is. One (or both) of you is bored, or in your efforts to accommodate each other you’re finding that it’s harder and harder to do that, maybe because you’re starting to get really frustrated with each other, or really impatient about the relationship because everything feels so stagnant.

I’ve talked about David Schnarch before, and want to recommend another book of his to you (see below). Dr. Schnarch calls what I described above the “comfort-safety cycle,” the cycle in every normal relationship in which both partners are settling into routines and patterns that keep anxiety low, and also help each partner define their identity in the relationship in a way that helps them feel secure. (For example, someone might say, “Well, that’s always how we’ve been together. I’m the submissive one, and he’s the one who always initiates sex…”)

Schnarch calls the other cycle—the cycle in which anxiety goes way up and the couple goes through change, and sometimes real crisis—the “growth cycle.” Usually, when couples feel that things are going badly, or when they call therapists and say things like, “We need counseling or we might break up,” it’s a sign that they’re on the brink of a “growth cycle.” In the growth cycle, increased anxiety is normal, and a re-evaluation of roles and identity is normal. It’s so stressful, though! It can even be deeply frightening.

That’s why most people resist it. They’ll say, “You go to counseling. I’m fine with how things are. I’m not the problem.” Or they’ll blame the other person for specific problems, saying things like, “I’m tired of having to ask for sex all the time. I feel like you’re just pushing me away.” It can be a very confusing and upsetting time. So here’s some more good news (and I mean it!): as confused and upset as you might be when you’re on the brink of a growth cycle, that’s exactly what this is: growth. The fighting and silent treatments and hurt feelings and anger and anxiety—all of that!—is a sign that your relationship is about to undergo (and in fact is already undergoing) significant change.

Bottom line: both cycles are normal. Finding a comfortable pattern of comfort and safety, and enjoying the stable relationship that comes from routine and clear expectations (even if they’re unspoken), is normal. It helps us relax, reduce anxiety, and just feel at ease in our relationships. But it’s also normal for this to stop working after a while. That’s when all the “trouble” starts. But it’s also what makes real growth possible.

For more on this, you’re welcome to come in and talk to me (!), but you can also learn a lot more by reading Schnarch’s book, “Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems & Revolutionizing Your Relationship.” In fact, the best option is to do both—engage in couples counseling, and read more about relationships, sex, and your own personal growth as you tackle these very normal relationship cycles.

Here’s the link for Schnarch’s book:

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I’ve heard this a lot when I talk to clients: they say, “I love him, but I’m not ‘in love’ with him.” What does that mean?

Well, I don’t always know. It depends on the person who says it. If you’ve said it, what do you think it means? If you’ve said it yourself, or if someone has said it to you, I invite you to post a comment on this blog. I’d like to hear from you, because I think people say this a lot, and I think people make sense of it differently.

My take on the phrase is this: to “love” someone is to feel loving feelings for the person, or to feel affectionate or fond of the person. To be “in love” is something more, something more intense. A person might say, “I love my mother. But I’m in love with my lover, my partner.” So to say you just “love” your partner is, truth be told, bad news for your partner—it means your feelings for him/her have become static, or “platonic.”

But here’s my concern about all this: I’m concerned that when people say this—when they say, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you”—they’re not saying what’s really going on in the relationship. They’re not saying, “We’re stuck. We obviously have a lot of love for each other, and we’ve been through a lot, but we’re stuck.” Or they’re not saying, “I’m sorry, but I think it’s over, and I want to move on.” In other words, they’re not owning up to their true feelings, their true desires, and their true plan for themselves. In short, they’re copping out.

If you find yourself saying to your partner, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you,” I want to challenge you: I want to suggest that you really might be thinking and feeling something deeper, something more difficult, than you’re letting on. I suspect that you’re actually holding back the real truth about what’s really bugging you, what’s really concerning you. You might want to think about speaking the deeper truth to your partner, hard as it is, and painful as it is. And what is the deeper truth? I don’t know. You might not know, at least not right away. But the “love, not in-love” statement might be a sign that you’ve been unhappy for quite a while now. And—it might not all be your partner’s fault!

What’s the advantage in telling your partner the deeper, harder truth? The advantage is that whatever happens in the present moment—whether or not your current relationship survives this truth-telling moment, and no matter how awkward or uncomfortable you feel—you are getting better at speaking the real truth to another person. You are getting better at being an authentic, self-revealing person in your intimate relationships. It’s painful, but it’s worth it.

And if you’re on the receiving end—if it’s not you but your partner who says, “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you…”, it could be an opportunity for you to speak your own truth about the relationship as you see it. Try not to be reactive or defensive if you hear this statement. Try instead to speak the truth about your own thoughts and feelings, and say clearly what you feel you need to say. And try to ask your partner, “What are you saying? What are you telling me?”

Bottom line: in my view, the “I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you” statement is a sign that something more is going on. No matter which side of the conversation you find yourself, it’s worth it to go deeper, to ask for more—of yourself, and of your partner. Even if it ends in a break-up, it’s a moment that can help you grow, and learn.

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People often say that they need to take a certain amount of time off after a breakup. “I’m not ready for someone new,” they say. “He’ll just be a transitional man [or woman]. I need time to heal.” Usually your friends will agree with you if you take this tack. (Your best friends have probably been with you during your breakup, and could use a break themselves, right?!)

And I say, sure. Take a break. Take time to soothe yourself, grieve, express your anger, own up to your own part in the breakup, focus on work, take the dog for a long walk… You need this time.

But you may soon notice that those same friends who agreed with you that you need a break are now trying to set you up with “this great guy I work with,” or they’ll say, “She’s really great! You two would be perfect for each other.” Or—to turn the tables a bit—you may soon notice that it’s you yourself who’s noticing the guy at work, or wondering if you would be perfect for someone new, and your friends are still saying, “No way! It’s still too soon!”

How do you know if it’s too soon, if you’ve waited long enough, if you’re already missing out on your next relationship because you’re “on a break”?

This is where a little self-awareness—along with self-care—comes in. The reason there’s no hard-and-fast rule about getting into a new relationship is because it’s about you, not some outside influence or process. Here’s what I mean: when I had minor surgery last fall (I am now appendix-free), I was ordered to follow a strict six-week regimen of rest, and told that I would notice mild symptoms of pain for up to six months. But breakups aren’t like that. There is no bankable six-week rest period, and your emotional pain (I’m sorry to say) has a mind of its own. You may be happily partnered or married for ten years and feel a flash of pain or regret about something you thought was ancient history. Or you may recover really fast, and feel just fine in what seems like no time at all.

So—back to the “it’s about you” thing. Here’s how to know if you’re going too fast, or too slowly, into your next relationship. If you are going out with someone new, can you notice why that is, and be honest with yourself about it? Usually when we do it for the “wrong” reasons (such as, “It’s awful to be alone, I’m going crazy being alone, I’m desperate!!”), we can figure that out with just a little time of silence, breathing, and simple self-awareness. If it feels too fast, stop for a minute. Notice yourself. Notice your heart rate. Notice your thoughts: are they racing? Do you feel like you’re acting from your core self, from your best self?

This is hard because everyone knows that a new relationship always increases your heart rate, and in a good way! It’s tremendously rewarding (and just a lot of fun) to be attracted to someone and find that the attraction is going both ways. If you’ve been through a recent breakup, it’s more likely—but not a foregone conclusion—that you might be jumping into a new relationship rather than doing the hard work of self-growth. But check it out. Take that little break I mentioned. Notice what’s going on inside yourself. Notice your feelings. Even if it feels like you haven’t been single “long enough,” you might actually be ready to get close to someone new.

And even if it turns out to be another disaster, know this: you’ll survive it. And you’ll learn from it. No matter what choices we make, we can learn and grow from the choice. So don’t force yourself to follow a mandatory “post-op” rest period. Feel free to approach this time in your life with more flexibility, and more self-awareness.

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