I found a lot to like in Lee Siegel’s recent thoughts on the trouble and strife of John and Elizabeth Edwards. (I posted about their crisis last year.) As a therapist, I sat up in my chair when I read this:

“A friend of mine once said that the only two people who know what’s going on between a man and a woman are the man and the woman themselves. He was half right. The man and the woman—or man and man, woman and woman; it’s all the same—are the last to know. The idea that we can precisely fathom people’s emotions and motives is absurd. We can barely comprehend our own.”

I’m nodding my head up and down right now. Siegel is right about this. As a therapist, I’m paid to know a lot about relationships, learn a lot about my own clients, and use that knowledge to help them work through their most difficult relationship problems. And I know that to do my job well, I have to have a high degree of self-awareness and self-confrontation. And yet, there’s always something going on that will escape my awareness, and that of my clients. No human being can be fully understood or known by another human being (or themselves, for that matter). I expect that even if I live to be ninety years old, I’ll still not have taken the full measure of my own character, let alone those of others.

But if that’s the case, why do people make judgments about the Edwardses? Or—here’s a more difficult question for me—why do people go to therapy? My answer: as right as Siegel is about the need for humility in these matters, there’s a lot we can know about ourselves and each other. I will die not knowing everything there is to know about myself, but that doesn’t mean I plan to live an incurious life. The fact that we will never know everything about the universe didn’t stop us from launching the Hubble telescope.

So I’ll draw a lesson on humility from Lee Siegel’s reflections, but I won’t be paralyzed by that humility. I’ll keep wrestling with myself and engaging with other people in the adventure of self-discovery because I have faith that our exploration of the human universe will take us far. We’ll never reach the end, but our effort is part of what makes us human in the first place.

Meanwhile, I wish both John and Elizabeth Edwards well. As with all couples who are going through a hellish time, I hope they can find their way to a peaceful resolution of their crisis, and learn a lot about themselves along the way.

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Are you in a relationship with someone—at home or at work—where you feel like you have to walk on eggshells? You’re afraid that if you speak the truth, he’ll blow up. You’re afraid that if you tell her she’s wrong about something, she’ll explode. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

If you and I are working on this together, chances are I’ll talk with you about experimenting with breaking those shells. It’s not always wise to say or do things that lead to another person blowing up, but then, it’s not always wise to tiptoe through your life out of fear that another person is going to lose it if you act like your real self.

Interpersonal explosions can be painful and destructive. Sometimes discretion really is the best option, particularly if you don’t know someone too well, or if you’re new to a situation (particularly a job) and you need to get your bearings before you start acting decisively. But other times, it’s best to challenge yourself a little bit…particularly if the person you’re afraid of is your longtime spouse! And the best way to do it is to look at it as a growth opportunity—not for the other person, but for you.

Here’s what I mean. The other person may or may not learn how to control and effectively use her anger. He may or may not learn how to be more responsive and less reactive to the thoughts and behaviors of others. She may or may not learn how to be a truly powerful adult—and the adults who are truly powerful are the ones who know how to work with their rage and make sense of it. But if the other person is not willing to learn, not interested (or perhaps not able) to develop his or her emotional maturity, you can get better at handling this kind of person. The learning for you is not learning how to change or reform the other person, but rather to break the eggshells, allow the other person to do whatever he does, and manage your own anxiety—and your own behaviors—in the process.

Having said all that, I need to add that your safety is important. I’m not recommending that you “break the eggshells” with a person who has been violent with you or others, or a person with whom you don’t feel safe. But if it’s just a situation where the other person’s anger is highly uncomfortable for you, then it can be a chance for you to build your skills at working with angry people without avoiding them or tiptoeing around them.

Remember: the person over whom you have the most control—and the person most likely to learn and grow in this situation—is you. Think about breaking those shells. Imagine how satisfying it would be for you to be more skillful at this!

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Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about resentment. If you’re human, you’ve felt it. You’ve resented your partner for assuming you’d be a certain way, or do a certain thing. You’ve resented your parents for favoring your sister. (And you know they did!) You’ve resented your colleague for getting promoted ahead of you. There are any number of thousands of reasons to feel resentful.

The problem is, resentment is just about the most worthless emotional state I can think of. (Shame is rarely useful, but even shame can sometimes be a motivator for good behavior and personal growth.) But resentment is a lot like getting your car stuck in a big pothole. What are you going to do now? Or it’s like the Jail square on the Monopoly board. There’s nothing to do there but wait for the Get Out of Jail card.

Here’s my solution to the resentment problem: if you feel resentful, tell yourself that as dark as your thoughts and feelings are, you’re really not being very serious. That’s right: you’re not being serious. You’re not taking your situation seriously enough to move past resentment and do something about it. Let’s go through one of the examples above to see what I mean:

If you resent your partner for making assumptions about you, that means you’re not taking yourself seriously. For example, let’s say your partner assumed you would follow his lead when it comes to sex. He has preferences–he likes his positions, he expects a certain frequency, a certain duration, a certain type of massage oil, you get the idea–and you resent him because he never asked you what you wanted, what you preferred.

And maybe he’s resentful too–resentful that you’re complaining about all of this. He’s resenting your resentment! If this is going on, it probably means that you yourself need to take more seriously your own vision of sex and relationships. It’s not your partner’s job to automatically tune in to your preferences. It’s your job to put them out there on your own behalf. If you’re resenting him, that means you’re still waiting around for him to do your own work. You’re waiting for him to become more interested in your view of things than you seem to be yourself! If you want a different sexual experience, resenting your partner won’t make it happen. You have to get in touch with what you want, then take your preference (and yourself) seriously enough to assert for it.

If you feel resentful, that probably makes sense. (I’ll even grant you that your partner is probably being insensitive!) But to get what you want, it helps to notice your resentment, see how it just keeps you stuck in Monopoly Jail, step out of it, and say, “Hey! So let’s have sex my way tonight. I love my way, I’m good at it, and I love you, so I like our chances for having a great time!”

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For some reason I haven’t been paying a lot of attention to news articles over the past few months about the Obama Administration and its positions on the “Defense of Marriage”* Act (DOMA) and the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

Maybe it’s just that I had a busy summer. But I’m now starting to take an interest. And I’m not surprised to tell you that my favorite take on the issues was written by Hendrik Hertzberg. He summarizes the facts, offers a good analysis of how the Administration got itself into this mess, and states well the consequences of further inaction.

I tend to be a moderate, politically speaking (firmly left-of-center, and I was quite sorry to see Ted Kennedy leave the scene, but a moderate nonetheless). And I understand that Obama is tackling a lot of problems right now. Just today I said to someone that Obama didn’t just take over managing the store, he took it over while the building was on fire, a hurricane was hitting the town, and someone was holding up the cash register. Still, I don’t understand why–at a bare minimum–the White House and the Department of Justice can’t be more consistent, and more progressive, on the issue of GLBT civil rights. I understand some of the moderate-to-conservative arguments about the issue–that we can’t legislate our way through issues like this. (Though I disagree.) And I understand the political realities Obama faces. I would even understand if he and his staff are being a little superstitious: President Clinton tackled both gay rights and health care in his first year, and that didn’t go well. No, not at all.

But it’s time. It’s time for this new president to honor the promises he made to the GLBT community. I have little doubt that sometime this fall a health-care reform bill will become law. And as a health-care provider, I look forward to that. But the civil rights of GLBT Americans must also be asserted, and protected.

* I just couldn’t resist putting “Defense of Marriage” in quotation marks, since in my view DOMA does nothing to defend marriage, no matter how you define the word.

UPDATE: View the comments section for an interesting back-and-forth on the word “moderate.”

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I get this question a lot. People talk about their needs, their desires, their longings, and then they wonder if they’re being selfish. Short answer: no.

But let’s unpack this a little bit.

Imagine you and your friend (or partner, or sibling, or…whoever) are sitting in a room, and in the middle of the room is a table. On the table is a plate. On the plate is a chocolate-chip cookie. Just one. Both of you want the cookie. Both of you long for the cookie! Is that selfish?

No. It’s not selfish to want things. It’s not selfish to see something (or someone) that attracts you, and want to have it, or be with him. Selfishness comes into play when you don’t care at all about the other person’s wants. You want the cookie? That’s fine. But if your partner also wants the cookie, it’s selfish not to appreciate that fact, to take it into account.

Here’s how this works in relationships. Let’s say you want to have a deeper, better sex life with your partner. You know (or think you know) that your partner doesn’t want this. But you also are well aware of your own passions, your desires, your longing for a better sexual relationship with your partner. Is this selfish? No. It’s only selfish if you care not one bit about your partner and what s/he wants.

But here’s where it gets complicated. If you ask me, it is not selfish to invite your partner to come toward you, to accommodate your need or desire. It is not selfish to tell your partner what you want, and be clear about it–even assertive about it! Selfishness comes into play when you’re being aggressive, when you’re bullying your partner. You’re being selfish when you just don’t care what your partner wants. But it’s okay to get in touch with your own desires and then communicate them clearly to your partner. It’s even okay (and not selfish!) to tell your partner that this is a deal-breaker, that it’s truly important to you.

Are you being selfish? If you’re asking yourself this question, chances are you’re not as selfish as you think. Take some time to think about what you really want, what you think your partner wants, and where you want to take the relationship. And then–go for it. Will it go well? Maybe, maybe not. But you’re not being selfish if you’re thinking about both of you while you pursue the fulfilling relationship you so deeply desire.

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Most of the time, this blog is distinct from my Couples blog. But often enough the issues overlap, and this is one of those times. Couples often think that they have communication problems, but in fact it’s courage that they’re searching for. Click here to read more about courage, and think about it in all the areas of your life. How can you be more courageous in your workplace? With your friends? And with your partner?

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I think there are two roles a lot of people expect therapists to play. One of them is judge, the other is referee. Sometimes I smile when I think of myself wearing a judge’s robe, or worse, a referee’s striped shirt. Here’s why neither uniform works for me as your therapist:

First, the judge. Your life is filled with judgments. You chose a partner because you judged that person to be a good match for you. You chose a career, or a house. You chose to try to conceive a child. Or you chose not to. And there are thousands of tinier judgments: that person looks drunk, you tell yourself. That bus seat looks dirty. And of course you make a judgment when you come in for counseling: this therapist is the one I think can help me.

I certainly hope that most of your judgments are sound (particularly that last one!). When you come to counseling, we can talk about them. You might know already that you made some pretty bad judgments, or you even know that your general pattern of judgment is flawed–maybe you automatically judge everyone to be untrustworthy, and that prevents you from getting close to anyone. Or you have a hard time with moderation, balance, and self-care. So you come to counseling, and if you’re like a lot of people, you approach the therapist as a judge–and a better judge than you, to boot. You ask me for advice. You check out decisions with me to see what I think. It sounds right. It sounds like what counseling is all about.

But it’s not. Counseling is about you becoming a better judge, not you submitting to my judgments. My cultural background might be different from yours. Or my gender. Or my attitudes, my assumptions, my worldview. If I’m wearing the judge’s robe in our work together, you don’t take command of your own life by focusing on and developing your own good judgment.

And as for referee, well that’s a uniform therapists are often invited to wear when doing couples therapy. The two of you come in, sit down, and start the same fight you have in your living room. And my job is to be your referee, your diplomat, your Voice of Reason. But here we have the same problem: if I’m your referee, then who stands tall in your own living room? And what if I make a bad call? Or what if you don’t like my call, but your partner does? What will become of our therapeutic relationship?

It’s better if I help both of you be your own referee–not necessarily of the fight you’re having, but the referee of your own internal struggles and issues. If you are your own referee, you are making your own calls about your own behavior. Am I being fair? you ask yourself. Am I being honest? Am I blaming my partner for a problem I have?

So…what is my uniform, then? I don’t have a colorful, neat little uniform that signifies what I do, but I will say this: my job is to help you be your own judge, your own referee, and get better and better at it, so that you will have the happiness, satisfaction, and contentment you long for in your life, and in your relationships.

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Back in October I posted about a technique that helps you say what you need to say in your relationships, and ask for what you want and need from your partner, friend, or family member. If you feel like you get locked in old patterns of conflict and frustration, this might be a good way for you to improve your approach. Just take it step by step, and be flexible when you run into trouble!

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Sometimes therapists act like the Wizard of Oz. They’re not supposed to reveal to anyone that they have concerns, worries, even (gasp!) neuroses! But everyone knows this, so it’s a little silly for me to pretend that I am the healthiest human on the planet. Every once in a while, I’ll write in this blog about my human side, and how it actually helps my work.

So here’s one of my hangups: I sometimes worry about how I sound when I’m talking with clients. We’ll finish up a session, schedule the next one, say our goodbyes, and I’ll go back in my office and think, did they notice that I keep hammering on one issue, and one issue only? Are they frustrated that I sound like a broken record? Or is it just me?!

The broken-record topic for me is self-confrontation. When I first began working with couples (and they now make up about half of my practice), my mentor said to me, “You need to find out what your theory is. It’s not that you need to find a theory. You have one already, and whatever it is, you’re using it.” Since then I’ve come to understand that my theory about couples–and individuals–is this (drum roll):

Self-confrontation is the path to ecstasy.

(Huh?)

This is what I mean. When a client begins to complain about their partner, I criticize the quality of their complaint, not the behavior of their partner. I push them not to drop their complaint, but make it better. Make it more effective. Take the poison out of it and get in touch with what you really want from your partner…and get in touch with the fact that this is your want, not your partner’s, and your partner was not put on Earth to meet this want that you have.

So far so good…but then at the next session the person complains about a different behavior their partner is doing (often enough, it’s a fairly bad behavior, to tell the truth!) and I do it again, except from a different angle. Instead of troubleshooting the complaint, I’ll push him to confront his own misbehavior in the relationship, according to his own standards. He wants his partner not to shout or hurl insults? Okay, that sounds reasonable. So…why are you yourself hurling insults at the top of your voice?

Maybe now you can see how this is irritating. I get downright uncooperative when I feel a person is not challenging herself first. But I wouldn’t do this if it didn’t really help. A person who confronts herself gains an enormous amount of emotional strength and relational influence. If you’ve done your personal homework, then your complaint about your partner won’t be half-assed (pardon the industry term), and it might get you what you want. And if you’ve done your personal homework, you can stand much taller than your partner when she’s shouting. Soon enough, she’ll figure out that the shouting is getting her nowhere…at least in her relationship with you.

So until I come up with a better theory (and this is a pretty robust one, if you ask me), I’ll just have to deal with the worries that crop up when my clients leave the session. Most of them come back, after all, and the ones who got past their irritation with me were able to find out how self-confrontation can take them farther than they ever imagined.

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Here’s a great article by David Schnarch, a couples therapist and author I’ve recommended a lot over the years. This article summarizes neatly what he says in his books. A key quotation: “The Sexual Crucible Approach encourages people to make use of the opportunity offered by marriage to become more married and better married, by becoming more grown-up and better at staking out their own selfhood” (emphasis mine).

And just a quick reminder: for me, ‘marriage’ is not what most people think it is. Marriage is any relationship between two people of any gender in which both persons are drawing closer together in a long-term bond of emotional and physical intimacy, in the context of a supportive community.

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