Back in grad school I learned about the Zeigarnik effect, and I ran into the concept again when I was attending a Gottman workshop last month. You don’t have to know everything there is to know about this, but the bottom line is interesting: humans have a hard time forgetting unfinished business.

Think about a relationship you’ve had that has gone sour. This usually happens over time: you and your partner (or friend, or mother, any relationship) have little interactions over a span of months (or even years) in which you feel slighted, misunderstood, maybe even mistreated. And then you discover that you’ve been collecting these grievances and keeping them in a little bitter file in your mind, your anti-partner file, if you want to call it that. Your memory of these events may be distorted, but there’s little chance you’ll forget them because you keep rehearsing them in your mind, over and over. They may not be accurate memories, but they’re certainly powerful ones.

Meanwhile, anything neutral or good that has happened in your troubled relationship is either forgotten, or (worse) discounted and twisted into a bad memory, ready for the anti-partner file. You are suffering from the Zeigarnik effect. Until you resolve your unfinished business with the other person, you won’t be able to let go of these nasty memories.

But once you do resolve them, something happens that almost feels magical. They slide away. They become distant echoes of a bad time for which no one is responsible…or if someone is to blame, they’ve copped to it really well, so no problem! And you start collecting positive memories again. Bluma Zeigarnik studied and described this effect by working with restaurant servers: if they had taken an order but not turned it in to the kitchen, or if they had served a customer but the customer hadn’t yet paid the bill, they could remember with sharp clarity what the customer ordered. But as soon as the business was transacted—the cook had the order, the customer paid the bill—the servers had no idea what the customer ordered. The now-irrelevant information just slipped away.

Wouldn’t that feel good? If you’re nursing an old wound,* or if someone you love feels wounded by you, it might help to simply sit down, listen non-defensively to one another, and resolve the problem. After that, may not even remember what all the fuss was about!

*I need to say that some wounds run very, very deep, so this concept is not a suitable replacement for long-term relationship therapy or individual therapy when a person has been seriously harmed, abused, or betrayed. The problems I’m referring to here are in the category of everyday slights and injuries. And, I’ll also say—since it’s what I do for a living, after all—that working through small problems is also easier when you’re seeing a counselor!

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A few years ago I was working with a client who struggled with anxiety. (This is putting it mildly.) The client came into my office one day and was in the midst of an anxiety attack—and a fairly severe one at that. The client was barely able to walk, so intense were the anxiety symptoms. Fortunately for me, I was studying dialectical behavior therapy at the time, so I had just learned a set of basic self-soothing techniques. My office was just around the corner from the kitchenette, and the client was seated on my couch, so I told the client I needed to step out and would be right back.

I came back from the kitchenette with a small bucket of ice cubes. “Here,” I said to the client. “Just hold onto a few of these.” The client took three ice cubes from the bucket and began to hold them. Almost magically, the anxiety symptoms began to diminish. The client looked at me, eye to eye, and smiled. Ice was the answer.

Why? Because we experience our emotions in our bodies. That means we can regulate our emotions by making a change in our bodies, particularly a change of temperature. A writer I know will take a shower or bath when she feels stuck, and she emerges from the water with a new insight. I don’t use ice to calm myself down, but only because I prefer washing my hands and face with very hot water and soap. Another method: fill a shallow bowl with ice water and hold your face in the water for up to 30 seconds. Our bodies can’t stay anxious if they’re being asked to focus on a powerful physiological experience. Holding ice can be painful (as can the hot water), and sometimes it’s the pain that breaks the “spell” of anxiety. Other times it’s just the slight shock of coming into contact with warm or cool water.

So the next time you’re feeling stressed—and particularly if you’re having an intense experience of anxiety—try using ice or cold water to literally chill out!

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Sometimes all the words and ideas and methods of counseling just don’t cut it, and all you can do is be there for another person who is going through a hard time. I was reminded of this today when a client told me that the inspirational quotation I had on my whiteboard in the office was annoying her. So I quickly changed it, as you can see below. “Much better!” my client said.

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Every year or so I repost this technique. Here’s the last posting, from 2008. It’s a simple way to communicate with your partner (or friend, or colleague, or parent, or pretty much anyone) and work through a tough emotional situation. In the 2008 post I listed three steps, but actually there are four, as follows:

1. Describe the situation you’re concerned about. This is the “Just-the-facts-Ma’am” step. You simply describe what happened, what you observed. For example, you tell your partner, “You came in the door, walked past me, and went into the kitchen without saying anything to me.” Be careful to stick to the facts: all of the information in this step is the kind of information that a video camera would pick up.

2. Describe your feelings, and stick to feeling words like ‘frustrated,’ ‘worried,’ ‘sad,’ or ‘upset.’ If you catch yourself saying sentences that begin with “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” you’re not expressing feelings. You’re expressing thoughts. “I feel like you don’t respect me” is a thought—a belief—but not a feeling.

3. Now it’s okay to describe your thoughts, your judgments, your story about what happened. Continuing with the above example, you would say, “When you walked past me without saying anything, I thought it meant that you were mad at me.” Your belief that your partner was mad at you led to the feeling you described in #2.

4. Finally, state your request. “I’d like to check this out with you, and if you are mad at me, I’d like to work through it with you.”

The value of this technique is that it keeps you in full ownership of your thoughts and feelings, which allows your partner to respond less defensively. It’s not your partner’s fault that you thought he was mad at you. Right or wrong, that’s your story. Using this technique, you’re letting your partner know that you’re open to the possibility that he’s not mad at you, and you’re inviting him into a conversation with you about your story. This is much more effective than simply accusing your partner of being mad at you without taking the time to take ownership of your own reactions and conclusions.

Often, when people say they have communication problems, this is the kind of thing they’re not doing. Give it a try, use your own language and turns of phrase, and be patient with yourself as you work on improving your ability to relate effectively to others.

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I was talking with my sister last week about my recent post about ‘lesser selves’ and how we can ‘bind’ them to achieve the goals that our best selves really want. She sent me this link to an excerpt of a book by Geneen Roth (on Oprah’s website), and though the book in its very title is directed toward women, many of the ideas resonate deeply with me, and apply to men.

I have a history of dieting, emotional eating, and being preoccupied with food. I’ve never been a heavy guy, but I know what it’s like to be on the upper end of my ‘zone,’ if you want to call it that. It’s hard not to have preoccupations like this, given how many anxious and conflicted attitudes about food (and addictive substances, and so on) run through our culture like a river in spring. But it’s healthy to step out of that river and, bottom line, be gentle with yourself. Self-abusive diets never work, and in some sense they shouldn’t: why should self-abuse yield positive results?

After my conversation with my sister, I reflected on the way I currently approach food and drink, and their relationship to both my body and my emotional life. Here’s my simple little set of rules. I offer them not as a template for you to follow–you are free to do as you like, and my way isn’t necessarily your way. But it might get you thinking about the underlying assumptions you have about food, or alcohol, or any of the other objects and activities that enrich life, but also make it challenging. So…here’s how I see it:

1. Eat and drink whatever food and beverages you like. Enjoy life.
2. Don’t eat anxiety, stress, anger, or sadness. Notice those emotions and work with them. Don’t eat them.
3. Appreciate your health, and your body. Notice your good feelings. Look with kindness upon your body, exactly as it is today.

Too simple? I don’t think so. First off, #1 and #2 really work well together. I promise you I won’t eat too many potato chips if I’m not eating stress. If I’m working through my stress, breathing, and generally following a good pattern of self-care, I’ll have a few potato chips, but a few will be enough. And #3, though it sounds simple, is oh so hard for so many of us. It requires a little more explanation.

A few years ago, when I was a therapist at Group Health, I was in a training session on cognitive-behavioral therapy. Our great trainer, Sandra Coffman, told us about a meditation class she was taking. Everyone was seated on the floor, meditating, breathing and taking in all the silence and loveliness of the meditation exercise. And then the instructor said, “Now, let us all notice our non-headaches.”

<pause>

What was that?

He wanted the class to begin noticing the wonderful, healthy experiences they were having in that moment–having, but not being conscious of. They were all enjoying non-headaches, but they weren’t focusing on that. #3 in my little plan is a lot like this. There is a tremendous amount of power in consciousness: “I don’t want to become like my mother,” you might be thinking. Well, you’re conscious of it, so chances are you won’t. “I am noticing that my body is healthy, and beautiful,” you tell yourself. Well, you’re conscious of it, so chances are your body will become even more healthy and beautiful.

But don’t take my word for it. Take some time to be in silence, to breathe, and to ask yourself your own questions about how you can approach your goals, and your life.

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Are you in a relationship with someone—at home or at work—where you feel like you have to walk on eggshells? You’re afraid that if you speak the truth, he’ll blow up. You’re afraid that if you tell her she’s wrong about something, she’ll explode. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

If you and I are working on this together, chances are I’ll talk with you about experimenting with breaking those shells. It’s not always wise to say or do things that lead to another person blowing up, but then, it’s not always wise to tiptoe through your life out of fear that another person is going to lose it if you act like your real self.

Interpersonal explosions can be painful and destructive. Sometimes discretion really is the best option, particularly if you don’t know someone too well, or if you’re new to a situation (particularly a job) and you need to get your bearings before you start acting decisively. But other times, it’s best to challenge yourself a little bit…particularly if the person you’re afraid of is your longtime spouse! And the best way to do it is to look at it as a growth opportunity—not for the other person, but for you.

Here’s what I mean. The other person may or may not learn how to control and effectively use her anger. He may or may not learn how to be more responsive and less reactive to the thoughts and behaviors of others. She may or may not learn how to be a truly powerful adult—and the adults who are truly powerful are the ones who know how to work with their rage and make sense of it. But if the other person is not willing to learn, not interested (or perhaps not able) to develop his or her emotional maturity, you can get better at handling this kind of person. The learning for you is not learning how to change or reform the other person, but rather to break the eggshells, allow the other person to do whatever he does, and manage your own anxiety—and your own behaviors—in the process.

Having said all that, I need to add that your safety is important. I’m not recommending that you “break the eggshells” with a person who has been violent with you or others, or a person with whom you don’t feel safe. But if it’s just a situation where the other person’s anger is highly uncomfortable for you, then it can be a chance for you to build your skills at working with angry people without avoiding them or tiptoeing around them.

Remember: the person over whom you have the most control—and the person most likely to learn and grow in this situation—is you. Think about breaking those shells. Imagine how satisfying it would be for you to be more skillful at this!

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You’ve heard the made-for-TV therapy question a thousand times, right? Here it is: “How does that make you feel?” This is not a question I ask in my counseling sessions. First of all, it’s such a cliche that I could hardly pull it off with a straight face. But more than that, the wording is troubling—it suggests that a person’s feelings can be directly caused by another person or an upsetting event. This is somewhat true, but not completely true. If I insult you, you might feel hurt or angry, and mostly that’s because I insulted you. But it’s also because you are interpreting my behavior in a certain way, and telling yourself little stories about me, about you, and about our relationship.

Anyway, back to the original point of this post! And the point is, even though I don’t ask, “How does that make you feel?” and even though your feelings are not the only thing we focus on in our work together, getting in touch with your deep feelings can really help. You may have some amount of awareness of how you’re feeling about an upsetting event, but upon reflection you might be surprised at the depth and complexity of your feelings. And if you become aware of this deeper layer of feelings, the feelings will then become more available to you for insight, growth, and change.

So here’s a quick primer on feelings. If you’re feeling uneasy, or irritated, or out of sorts, take some time to sit down with yourself and listen to your deeper layer of feelings. One way to do this is to take a look at this list of feeling words, print it out, and circle the ones that ring true for you. Notice that the feelings are grouped in a way that’s similar to my favorite grouping: mad, sad, glad, and afraid. You know it’s a feeling word when it hits you on a gut level. “I feel you’re not respecting me” is not a feeling. “I’m pissed!” is a feeling.

As you go through the list, you might be surprised at how many feelings you have, and how intense some of them are! The value of this exercise is to look within for sources of reflection. If you’re surprised by your feelings—you didn’t know you were that scared, for example—you can then reflect on them and discern where you might want to go next.

Following that example—you feel scared—you could think about ways to face your fear, or ways to express your fear to someone close to you who only has seen your anger until now. They think you’re pissed at them, but the truth is you’re scared. You’re scared they might break up with you, or you’re scared they might not! Or you’re scared they might be injured or hurt, and you use anger to shield yourself from that future pain by creating an emotional distance.

If this sounds like Pop-psych 101, that’s okay. None of this is particularly new or unusual. But most of us have gotten very skilled at hiding our own deepest feelings from ourselves. I for one am very good at the acting-mad-but-actually-scared routine. But sometimes these simple practices get us started on deeper reflection and the complicated process of recovery and growth.

So … how do you feel??

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I’ve posted before on clutter, and just ran across another great take on it. There’s plenty of clutter in my house, and I know—I don’t just believe it, I know—that it has an effect on my overall sense of well-being. So before I tackle the next pile of stuff, I thought I’d pass this along to you. Enjoy, and happy downsizing!

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I don’t like fundamentalists, and I suppose that’s no surprise since I live and work in Seattle. But it’s not just religious fundamentalists who turn me off. I don’t like fundamentalists on the political right who harrass moderates and refuse to work seriously on the problems ordinary people face. And I also don’t like fundamentalists on the political left who insist on their own perfect health-reform bill (for example) and reject any compromise.

I also dislike fundamentalists in the world of emotional health, relationships, and therapy. Here’s what I mean:

—If you have trouble sticking up for yourself and asserting for what you want, I want to challenge you to get better at that. But you don’t have to be assertive 100% of the time. Sometimes (in my book) it’s perfectly fine for you to expect the other person to come to you.

—If you have trouble managing your emotions by yourself, or holding onto yourself when you’re upset or in conflict with your partner, I want to challenge you to get better at that. But then there are times when it’s perfectly fine to sob in your partner’s arms…and be upset when your partner isn’t there for you!

—If you have problems controlling your anger, and your anger is preventing you from being emotionally close to others (or causing other problems in your life), I want to challenge you to get better at working with your anger. But then there are times when you blow your stack, and you know what? That’s okay. Sometimes the universe can just deal with your tantrum!

What I’m trying to say here is that even though it’s up to us to work on our issues, get better at handling our emotions, and improve our ability to choose the lives we want to live, sometimes we just come unglued, or have a bad hair day, and that’s okay. Too often I’ve worked with clients who try to be purists—or fundamentalists—about their personal growth. And sometimes (alas) I can come across as a therapist who expects you to be 100% successful at your goals. Let’s avoid that trap. If you lose your cool, okay, so you lost your cool. If you just need a shoulder to cry on, then by all means find one and lean in. There will always be ways for you to return to your goals and personal growth!

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This is a time of year when I have to remind myself more often that the sadness—or just plain sluggishness—a lot of people are feeling is just the weather. After all, this Sunday marks the end of daylight-savings time, and it’s already pretty dark by 6:00 p.m.! Add to that the upcoming holidays, which can be a real challenge for some people, particularly if you’ve suffered a major loss this year.

If you’re feeling down—for any reason—my first instinct is to help you work through it and feel better. Most often, that’s your goal too. But even if it’s just the weather, I might also work with you to build your tolerance and strengthen your attitude about the occasional low moods you experience.

Sometimes it’s a mistake to work so hard to overcome these moods, or medicate them away. If it’s a seasonal-affect thing, one good solution is to find sunshine and find it fast: is now a good time to pop down to Vegas for a long weekend? But another good solution is to walk with the feelings a bit. Take a long autumn walk (even if it’s raining!) and give yourself some time to simply move your body, breathe, and experience this blue moment in your life.

I had a couple of blue days last week. I still don’t really know why. I could lay out the probable reasons, which could be work stress, divided energies, or an unwise decision not to go to the health club often enough last week. But I’m a person, not a machine. Sometimes I’ll feel happy for no understandable reason, and that works for low moods too. Is it some past loss I’ve suffered, resurfacing now, in the dying of the year? Is it just the darkening skies of late October? I don’t know, but I doubt it. I decided it was best to simply experience it. I framed it as a touch of melancholy, a natural, human thing. I also talked about it with a person I trust, and that was helpful.

This week I feel better, and next week is unwritten, unknown. If you’re feeling a little melancholy, that’s perfectly fine. You might be just fine. Let’s talk about it, if you’d like, but first, think about a long walk under the fall trees and gray clouds.

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