The other two motivators Bill O’Hanlon describes are dissed and pissed.

Dissed: this is when something terrible happens to you, or you suffer a difficult loss, and the emotional wound you suffer becomes a motivator. My favorite example is the story of Elizabeth and John Edwards (I posted about this a few weeks ago.) After their 16 year old son died in a car accident, they created the Wade Edwards Learning Lab in his memory at the high school he had attended. They used their wound to make a difference in the world. The tragedy they suffered became a powerful motivator.

Pissed: this is when you are so mad about something that you just can’t help but get involved and try to change it. One of the examples Bill O’Hanlon talks about is the filmmaker Michael Moore. Moore once told an interviewer that his big, unattractive face does not exactly belong on the big screen. But Moore makes his movies anyway because he is so furious about the problems he sees in the world. Another example is Martin Luther King, Jr., who saw the injustice of racism in this country and launched a movement to fight it.

Were you dissed? Are you pissed? These can be great motivators!

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Bill O’Hanlon’s Four Motivators. He believes there are four things that motivate people to take action in their lives, whether they’re taking action to improve a relationship, a career, or anything else in their lives that they want to change or fix.

The four motivators are (in Bill O’Hanlon’s phrasing): blissed, blessed, dissed, and pissed!

I’ll describe the first two here, and the second two in another posting.

Blissed: this means that when you’re doing something new in your life, or taking action, or volunteering, or taking a career risk, you’re doing it because you’re “blissed out” while you do it. If someone loves to be an actor, say, they’ll audition for acting jobs and work hard at it because they just feel great while they’re doing it. They’re “following their bliss,” as the bumper sticker says.

Blessed: this is when people take action in their life out of deep gratitude for some blessing they’ve received. Someone might say, “I was so inspired by my favorite teacher in high school that I decided to go into teaching myself.” Or they say, “I have so much in my life, so many gifts, such abundance, that I just have to give back, and that’s why I volunteer so much of my time.”

So here are the questions: what blisses you out? And who or what has been a blessing for you? Think about your answers to these questions. This might help you figure out what will motivate you to make changes in the here-and-now of your life.

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Why does it have to hurt? This is an ancient question for human beings. “It” is anything that changes us, forces us to grow, forces us to grow up. Relationships. Loss. Change. Connecting with another person. Separating from another person. Connecting with yourself. So many of the people I work with are asking this question. They don’t always ask me… most of the time they’re asking themselves, or the Universe, or God. And there never seems to be a good answer!

Staying with someone and working through your problems - this is painful, but it helps you gain new strength as a person.

Staying with yourself and working through your problems - not self-medicating or avoiding them, and not distracting yourself with endless activities, but paying attention to yourself with silence, stillness, journaling, exercise, and breathing… people usually avoid this because it can be painful and stressful to get closer to yourself. You might want more from yourself, or your life, or others… and that might mean more loss, more change. Ouch!

I walk this path myself, and in my work I walk alongside others who are sometimes doing it for the first time. The poet Rumi can help us, I think. Here’s one of his writings, entitled “Sky-Circles”–

The way of love is not
a subtle argument.

The door there
is devastation.

Birds make great sky-circles
of their freedom.
How do they learn that?

They fall, and falling,
they are given wings.

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Sometimes people say, “I hate the holidays.” And Halloween is usually the day each year when they start saying this. I help lots of people change this attitude. Usually they have very, very good reasons for disliking holidays… something terrible happened to them during the holidays, or celebrating the holidays only underscores a painful loss they suffered.

And that’s how it is for many of us. But if we keep it that way–if we leave holidays out of the pattern of our lives–we miss out on chances to connect with others, mark the seasons, celebrate what makes us glad in life, and just have fun! So I wish you a Happy Halloween, and hope you can be surprised by the beauty and delight of this time of year.

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You might be asking yourself this question. Maybe you just went through a breakup. Maybe you’ve been out of a relationship for a long time, or have never really had a romantic relationship in your life. You think it’s because there’s something “wrong” with you. I help people identify specific problems they have in their thinking or behavior, problems that keep them stuck or unhappy, but I also help people see how it’s not all because of them, that their unhappiness has to do with something else.

Here’s what I mean: any relationship is about two people, not one, and the new reality they create together. So if you just broke up with someone or “got dumped,” rest assured that both of you had something to do with it. And then there are all the other things going on in your lives–money problems, maybe family influences, work stress, you name it. So go easy on yourself! I’d like to help you get a better perspective so that you can just take it easy, take it slow, and find your way out of this pain.

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Sometimes it feels like our problems are complex. We might feel this way about our close relationships most of all. What could be more complicated than two people living intimately with each other? But often enough, it’s just a question of bravery: are you willing to step into the area of your life that scares you the most, and stay standing? Are you frightened to tell your partner the truth? Are you scared to try something new in your relationship? Are you worried that if you ask for what you want, your partner might say no, or leave you?

The hard truth is that some of these fears are realistic, reasonable fears. You might lose your partner if you assert yourself for the sake of your own integrity. You will lose your relationship as it used to be and push yourself into something new. It is scary! Your decision to do something frightening, something you’re not sure you know how to do, something that takes you out of your comfort zone… that’s bravery. It’s ironic that when we are being brave, we feel so scared!

In our work together, I promise that I also will be practicing bravery–in my work with you, and in my own personal relationships. Just like you, I don’t get a free pass when it comes to painful growth. But I am hopeful, hopeful for myself, for you, and for all people who work hard and expose themselves to pain and fear for the sake of their own growth. It’s what makes us human, and it’s what makes us (and I mean this) heroes.

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I’m currently reading the book, “Saving Graces: Finding Solace and Strength from Friends and Strangers,” by Elizabeth Edwards. This is a good book for those who want to hear another person’s story about unbelievable grief (Edwards’s son Wade was killed in an automobile accident in 1996) and how she and her family found their way through the darkest time of their life. Writing about her daughter Cate, Edwards wonders what it must have been like for Cate to have a mother in 1996 “who seemed to be made of ashes.” It’s also a good book for those who are living with cancer, whether it’s their own diagnosis or one of their friends or family members battling the disease. Edwards writes well and candidly about her struggles, and how she makes sense of such challenging personal crises. Recommended!

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