Point taken! I was just saying (perhaps not very well) that for me personally, the word ‘wife’ doesn’t work. But that’s just me. My spouse happens to be a particularly strong, bright, and responsible person, and though I also (ahem) have those qualities, I’m much more extraverted and—true confessions—silly than he is. So sometimes I joke that I am the “junior partner” and he’s the “senior partner,” which is completely a joke: I don’t like the word ‘partner,’ as I said in my original post, and I don’t really see myself or our relationship that way. But for me—and again, this is just me, coming out of my own social location—the word ‘wife’ has ‘junior-partner’ connotations. For my reader, it does not. If I were socializing with her and she called herself a ‘wife,’ I would not assume that she meant it the way I understand it. I would know that other people use words differently, and apply different meanings to them. That goes for ‘partner,’ too.

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And I find one factoid in particular quite comforting: section 3 concerns itself with the definitions of two particular words: “the word ‘marriage’ means only a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife, and the word ‘spouse’ refers only to a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or a wife.”

Back up. Let’s look at those words again. My definition of ‘marriage’ can be found here. I think it’s a good idea to look at ‘marriage’ this way, since the joys and sorrows of any marriage have much more to do with how the couple sees their union than what sort of legal document they have on file at city hall (if any).

And as for ‘spouse,’ well, don’t get me started! I should just come out and say that I love this word. It’s gender-neutral, so it avoids the problematic cultural connotations of ‘husband’ and ‘wife,’ which came from a culture in which men and women did not enjoy positions of equality in their married relationships. And it’s a much better word (in my view) than ‘partner,’ which is a word I’d use to refer to you if you and I decided to open a coffee shop together. My beloved spouse is not merely my ‘partner,’ and I hesitate to call him my ‘husband’ (if only because I am by no means anybody’s ‘wife’)…so ‘spouse’ it is. And since I live in a place and time that at least theoretically celebrates the independence and freedom of the individual (which is at least a stated value of the same folks who wrote DOMA), I’d like to reserve the right to decide for myself what I think the word ‘spouse’ means, and what word I choose to refer to the one person in my life with whom I share the greatest amount of intimacy and trust.

Finally, for some final thoughts, let’s go back to my definition of ‘marriage.’ Speaking as a therapist, it’s clear to me—and I spend most of my working life talking about relationships—that whether we desire this or not, our own assumptions, beliefs, values, and attitudes about ourselves and those we love will determine what we mean by these words. Our sex—whether we’re biologically male or female—is far less important. Even if you are a socially conservative heterosexual person in a conventional marriage, how you view your relationship is going to make much more of an impact on the quality of that relationship than what you are biologically. We are not merely physical animals. We are complicated, sentient, discerning, imaginative beings. Our relationships reflect that.

So, thanks, Attorney General Holder, and thanks, Mr. President. Thanks for getting out of the way so that we can go on defining all of this for ourselves, the way we’ve always done!

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I mention this because I was once again reminded that as much as we might want to deny it, events like this have everything to do with all of us, even those who have never been to Tucson, or never been involved in politics. It may be easier for me to relate to this tragedy because of my familiarity with the locale, but I wonder if everyone can understand on some level that the entire cast of characters in this terrible event—including the shooter—were human beings just like you and me.

That’s one reason why I felt so disappointed with Sarah Palin’s response to the crisis. I actually sympathized with her in the early hours and days, as she attracted unwanted (if not uninvited) attention as an alleged culprit in the cultural context that gave rise to the shooter’s behavior. It felt like a bridge too far, the idea that because of one ill-advised graphic on her Facebook page from last year, this guy shot up a crowd of people at a political event. I don’t think Palin was wise to use gun metaphors in her political rhetoric, but I knew (and still know) that she is far from alone in this respect: even President Obama has done this. Moreover, we learned that Jared Lee Loughner had his sights on Rep. Giffords as early as 2007. So it was far from a closed case that Palin could be held responsible, even in the abstract, for this event.

But I felt disappointed, as I said, with her response, which was defensive, reactive, and polarizing. A better response is this: we are all, each of us, connected to this tragedy. Ours is the culture from which it sprung. Ours is the society that doesn’t necessarily care for people who suffer mental illness. Tucson is one of our cities. We share a common humanity with everyone involved, including that disturbed young man. And so we should all take responsibility for our conduct, public and private, and work hard to be advocates of peace and justice in our common life together.

As a therapist, I know about both the loveliness and the wretchedness that marks every human life, including my own. I don’t separate people into angels and devils. I know that we humans are capable of tremendous virtue and courage; and I know that we are—each of us—capable of monstrous savagery. My hope for all of us is that we will be sobered by this tragedy, and will use it to dedicate ourselves more passionately to the creation of a just and peaceful society.

We are all—all of us—well acquainted with the intersection of Ina and Oracle.

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I like her because she was bravely open and honest about her terrible grief in the wake of their son Wade’s death. This is highly uncommon in American public life. Too often we only hear tidy accounts of simple grief. Everyone grieves, but then (we tell ourselves) we “get closure” and “move on.” But this is, I’m sure you know, B.S. Grief isn’t linear, it makes no sense, it tears a life apart. It’s anything but tidy. And Elizabeth Edwards unflinchingly recounted her own story of grief. She never moved on, though she did move forward. She never “got over” her son’s death, but she did make sense of it, and ultimately use it to bring more life into her life, and the lives of those she loved. And when she suffered debilitating betrayal by her husband, she made an imperfect but—in my view—earnest attempt to make sense of that betrayal and do what she could to help herself and her family.

In short, I identified with her at times, learned from her, and admired her a great deal. She informed my practice as a therapist, and gave me new insights on what it means to be human, to be met with adversity in the course of a joyous but troubled life. Blessed be her memory.

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I immediately knew what he was asking. This was a history question. My uncle, like my dad, has always been for me an exemplar of a curious mind: if he asks, “Do you know what today is?” I know right away that the answer is not, “Umm…Tuesday?” Why is today—December 7—significant? And to my own great relief, I had the answer: “It’s Pearl Harbor Day.” My uncle then said something about how many people in the country might not know this. He was making a point about cultural literacy, which I know can be a controversial subject. Ever since my college days when I read “Cultural Literacy: What Every American Needs to Know,” by E.D. Hirsch, I’ve known that when people talk about cultural literacy, they might just be talking about dominant-culture literacy. “What every American needs to know” can too often be a thin veil for “What every American needs to know about the dominant White culture.”

And yet…Pearl Harbor Day is (or can be) something different, in my opinion. And here’s what I mean: this morning, as I walked the dogs, I recalled that it was December 7, and, like I do every year, I recalled my conversation with my uncle. My mind wandered, as it does when I’m walking the dogs, and I recalled the cinematic depiction of D-Day (June 6, 1944) in the film “Saving Private Ryan,” in which gallons of blood mingled with the crashing waves on the beaches of Normandy. And then I thought about the Silent Generation, and the Boomers, and all of the cultural back-and-forth that we’ve seen over the past seven decades. (Seven?!) And…I felt some appreciation for the Americans I’ve known or read about whose political views, shaped as they were by these bloody battles, are often so different from my own. Finally, I wondered where we’re headed next as a deeply divided, economically troubled, and astonishingly diverse nation.

(Oh, and yes, I also got over myself and played with the dogs!)

And all of this happened to me because a teacher taught me why December 7 is an important day in history. Whether you’re a conservative hawk, a peacemaking progressive, or something in between, I think it’s important to know about December 7. And June 6. And…December 12, the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, the patron of Mexico and an icon of cultural liberation for the indigenous peoples of North America. My answer to those who are nervous about “cultural literacy” is this: yes, you’re right. Too often we make a big deal of dominant-culture events, like Pearl Harbor. But we need to remember them, because they shape who we are and how we think today. Let’s just add many more dates from many more cultures, because they also shape us!

What does this have to do with counseling and relationships? It’s sounds like a thin link, I know, but there’s a connection between what I’m thinking about on a dog walk and what I’m thinking about when I’m working with clients. (And, to be sure, what my clients are thinking about as they walk through their lives.) Are we taking time to notice the cultural forces that bear down on us? Are we taking time to reflect on the accomplishments, gifts, mistakes, and limitations of our forbears? If we do this, we’re much more likely to think reflectively on our own personal relationships.

Happy December 7!

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In short, I am a big supporter of this bill. Here’s a good, short rundown of what the bill offers the American people. This is taken from the blog of Ezra Klein, a journalist, blogger, and pundit who (at the believe-it-or-not tender age of 25!!) has been one of the best voices of reason and analysis during the last year of back-and-forth on health-care reform.

It’s not just important that this bill passes for political reasons–you know, because President Obama needs a big win heading into the midterms, and Democrats don’t want to lose the House or the Senate. If the bill passes, not only will it be more likely that the Democrats will retain most of their seats, but in my view, it will be more justifiable, too. I’ve thought for a long time that if they lose this fight, they deserve to lose control of the Federal government.

But the politics of this issue can’t compare in importance to the urgent need to cover 32 million people, outlaw denials for pre-existing conditions, make health-care coverage more affordable for everyone, and secure, once and for all, the right of all Americans to health insurance. The bill is far, far from perfect. I would have loved a public option, and I think the amendments about abortion are a travesty, and endanger human life. I hear the complaints of many of my women friends who are appalled at the concessions Democrats made. And I am appalled, too, that they made all those concessions and received nothing in return from the obstructionist Republicans.

But this is an essential, monumental first step. It won’t be too hard to add a public option, perhaps even next year (give or take the midterms). And other fixes can be made to expand coverage and level the playing field so that middle-class and poor citizens receive more coverage, better health care, and more financial security.

I was surprised that so little was said about mental health throughout this fight, and I intend to follow that issue in the coming months. But for now, I’m rooting for passage, and will celebrate on Sunday if it happens. If you haven’t been following this story, tune in. We could be approaching a history-making moment.

And for more on the issue from another great blogger, go here.

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I think I am glad the Saints won mostly because I went to New Orleans last year and hold the city in a special place in my heart. And of course I love it whenever underdogs win. I’m not completely okay with this, though, since I’m from Minnesota and the Saints beat the Vikes the other week. But…this is good. Congratulations, New Orleans! You aren’t the Ain’ts anymore.

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I was thinking this morning that if I were in a different place in my life, I would seriously consider going down there to help. But that wouldn’t be the best thing to do. Here’s what I recommend you (and I) do to respond to this tragedy:

1. If you can do only one thing, do this: contribute cash to an organization that is already on the ground. Go here or here to get started. Sometimes I hear people criticizing others for “just writing checks” to respond to human crises, but that criticism is misplaced. Checks help. A lot.

2. Redouble your efforts here at home. The human suffering in Haiti is heart-wrenching to see, and it’s easy to forget how much human suffering is occurring within your own community. It would be a very human (or, humane) response to this disaster to use it as a motivator for your own local contributions of time, energy, and treasure. I do volunteer work at a day-labor agency in Seattle, and today, one of the reasons I do that is Haiti.

3. If you are a medical professional, you might be able to go to Haiti now and make a difference. Click here for more information. If you’re not a medical professional, go to New Orleans. (That’s not a typo!) If you’re in a place in your life that allows for a more radical response, a drop-everything-and-go response, I recommend you go to a disaster site that is better prepared to receive you and get you to work right away. Haiti is in chaos; they’ve only recently secured their airport (with your government’s help), so if non-medical helpers aren’t already on site, they may not be able to make a difference in this early stage of response. But If you flew to New Orleans and found a place to stay, they’d have you hanging sheetrock in the Lower Ninth in just a couple of days!

4. Finally, whatever you do, hold the people of Haiti—and all the people on earth who suffer—in your mind and heart today, and in the coming weeks and months (okay, years). If you’re so inclined, hold them in your prayers. The person who most benefits from this activity might be you yourself, but that’s okay—you’re human, too. You’re able to suffer, and you have suffered. Your openness to the suffering of others makes you more human, and can transform your life. You can be a part of the recovery just by being emotionally present to the people of Haiti.

Photo was found here.

This post was edited with updated information about how medical professionals can go to Haiti now.

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