Well–I think I need to revisit an old post on “empathy, sympathy, and compassion.”

Recently I heard from commenter “ianstrever,” who said this in response to my blog post: “You got this completely wrong. The latin roots explain the difference. Empathy contains the root of ‘em’ or ‘in.’ Thus, to empathize with someone means to be ‘in’ the same situation; to feel what they feel. Sympathy contains the root ’sym/syn’ or ‘like.’ Therefore, the sympathetic person has been in a situation that is like the one someone else is experiencing, but it is not exactly the same thing.”

Not being one who wants to get stuff like this wrong, I consulted dictionary.com, and here’s what I found (bold-face emphasis added by me):

empathy–noun. 1. The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. 2. The imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself: By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self.

sympathy–noun. 1. Harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another. [...] 3. The fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble, fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration. [...] 7. Psychology. A relationship between persons in which the condition of one induces a parallel or reciprocal condition in another.

First, let’s set aside the argument about Latin roots–I’m more interested in how the words are understood and used by American English-speaking people today, even if our usage departs from the original meaning of the words.

It’s not a perfect fit, but I think these definitions support my original post: empathy is the act of understanding another person’s feelings or experiences or perspectives–”I get that you’re upset. It makes sense to me.” But one doesn’t have to share the feelings or experiences or perspectives. As it says in the definition above, empathy is the intellectual identification with another person. (And yet, the definition also says an empathic person could be having a “vicarious experiencing of” the other person’s feelings, so the waters are still a bit muddy!)

And as for sympathy, my original definition understood sympathy as sharing the feelings of another, not simply having an intellectual understanding of the feelings. “You’re upset,” a sympathetic person would say, “and I am too!” This is borne out in the definition above: “harmony of or agreement in feeling,” “the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another,” “a parallel or reciprocal condition in another.”

I was originally drawing on the work of David Burns when I wrote the post on empathy, sympathy, and compassion. I believe his understanding of empathy is consistent with my definition–it’s the act of understanding another person, if not sharing the other person’s feelings or perspective. As I said above, these definitions from dictionary.com don’t fully clarify things…the definition of empathy allows for at least a little bit of what I’d call sympathy, and the definition of sympathy allows for a little bit of compassion! But I’ll stand by my original post and continue using these three words like this:

1. Empathy: I get you.
2: Sympathy: I get you, and I share your feeling.
3: Compassion: I get you, and I want to help you.

And thanks to “ianstrever,” who challenged me to check my work and clarify my thoughts. S/he probably still disagrees with me, but it’s always good to think these things through!

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I posted on this late last year, but it keeps coming up in my work with clients, so I think it’s worth posting again. How do you really clear the air in your relationships? How do you talk to others in a healthy way, particularly when tempers are short?

This technique was developed by Gaelen Billingsley, another great therapist in Seattle. (I suppose someone might say it will hurt my business if I recommend someone else who does what I do, but hey, that’s how good she is!). It’s a method in which you state clearly three basic things:

1. Your feelings. Keep them simple, and take full ownership of them. I feel mad. I feel upset. I feel scared. I feel nervous. I feel frustrated. If you’re saying, “I feel like you don’t respect me,” that’s not a feeling. It’s a thought, a judgment, an assumption. Usually the word “like” is a clue that you’re expressing a thought, not a feeling.

2. Your thoughts. Again, take full ownership. “I think you don’t respect me because you said something I thought was insulting.” Did you notice that statement contains two thoughts? You think he doesn’t respect you, and you think so because he said something you thought was insulting. It helps to sort out your thoughts from your feelings because otherwise, how can the other person really respond to your problem? If you’re lost in your feelings and convinced the other person harmed you, you’re not in a position to listen to the other person’s perspective, let alone reconcile.

3. State clearly your request. “I just want you to hear me out. That’s all.” Or, “I want to know what you were really thinking about me when you said that.” “I would like us to talk this out. Can you help me?”

Finally, think about this: the other person may not honor your request. She might not want to talk. He might not want to tell you what he was really thinking. That’s disappointing, but it’s the other person’s right to respond in whatever way they choose. Thank them anyway for giving you time to state clearly your feelings and thoughts. And keep practicing this technique. It’s not a once-in-a-lifetime thing to do. It’s a new way of relating.

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I’ve worked with adolescents since I first became a therapist ten years ago, and I’ve noticed something they have in common with adults in their 20’s, 30’s, and on up the age range: it’s hard for them to know how to talk to their parents, and it’s hard for their parents to know how to interact with them.

One big hole in the English language—something that English lacks—is a word for “adult children.” A three-year-old is a child. (A 12-year-old can even pass for a child, I suppose, but don’t tell her that!) But everyone else—from ages 13 to 83 (with apologies to all you 84-year-olds out there with living parents!)—everyone else is an adolescent or an adult, but also a “child,” and it’s hard to know what kind of relationship they “should” have with their parents.

Here’s what it can look like: your son is (let’s say) 17 years old. He won’t listen to you, but he seems (maddeningly) to want something from you. He might be raging against your house rules, even breaking your things in what you called “tantrums” a few years ago. He’s pretty much a man by now, so for both emotional and physical reasons, you don’t have much control over him. If he goes into a rage, there’s really not that much you can do. The solution? Just try to relate to him. Adult children (or adolescent children) don’t need you to lead them or parent them as much as they simply need you to relate to them, or connect to them.

This angry 17-year-old…how do you relate? Here are some ideas. 1) Tell him what you see, or tell him what you understand. “I know you’re upset. I would be too.” And just leave it at that. Don’t pressure him with demands, and try not to state (for the thousandth time) the house rules. He knows the rules. Just say out loud what you see going on in front of you. Sometimes this is enough! 2) Tell him you’re available. For example, you could say, “I know you’re mad, and I understand why. I can’t stop you from destroying furniture, or storming out, or staying out all night, or…(whatever it is that he’s doing, or about to do). But I want to tell you something: I am here to listen, I will always be interested in talking to you, I will always be available if you want to tell me more about what’s going on with you.” “F-you,” he might say. “Right,” you say. “F-me. But I’m still here. I am available to listen whenever you want to talk.”

How does that translate for “children” who are even older—children in, say, their forties and fifties? For them, it’s generally a quieter version of the above. If you’re the parent of a “child” who is herself in middle age, the best thing you can do is to 1) listen; and 2) be available. Maintain the connection. Relate to your son or daughter. Don’t bother trying to change them, or trying to protect them from the decisions they’re making. You probably already know that’s futile! Just make a connection. Just relate.

One final note about parents and “children”: the higher they both go in age, the more the roles slowly begin to switch—the “child” becomes parental as the “parent” becomes elderly. If this has already happened to you, and you are trying to cope with your elderly parent, the “listen/connect” rule might really be helpful. Try it out. It’s a lot easier than actually getting your parents to do what you want! (And if you’re building the connection, who knows? Maybe that will happen too. After all, that’s how it works with adolescents!)

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I’m on a “definition of terms” kick, I guess! I recently worked with a client who was trying to help someone deal with a difficult situation and needed to sort out the differences between empathy, sympathy, and compassion. I’ll define them here, and tell you why it’s helpful to notice their differences.

First, empathy. Empathy is just this: noticing and understanding someone else’s experience, or situation, or perspective. Empathy does not mean you agree, or share the feeling, or see it their way. It only means you get it, you get how they see their problem. If someone you know is going through a hard time, you might be relieved to hear that all they really need from you is empathy. They don’t need you to feel their pain, and they certainly don’t need you to solve their problem (even if they ask you to!). It really helps for you to say, “I can see how hard this is for you. I can see why it’s so upsetting.” It also helps to simply repeat back to them what they said. “You’re mad at him because he betrayed you. I totally understand!” That’s an empathy statement.

Next: sympathy. Sympathy is not just understanding another person’s perspective. It is also feeling the same way the other person feels about their problem. This is why I don’t like “sympathy” greeting cards. If my friend’s mother just died, I don’t feel sympathy. I might empathize with them—my mother died 11 years ago, so I absolutely understand what they’re going through—but I am not going through it myself. I am not grieving like they are. If I open a greeting-card shop someday (which isn’t such a far-fetched possibility, by the way!), I will have a section called “Empathy Cards,” not “Sympathy Cards.” The good news for you—if you know someone who’s going through a hard time—is that they don’t really need your sympathy. They don’t need you to experience their loss the way they are experiencing it. They just need your empathy.

Finally, compassion. Compassion is empathy-plus-help, or sympathy-plus-help. Here’s what I mean: if I empathize or sympathize with someone, I haven’t really done anything yet, at least anything active or concrete. I might be offering them a helpful presence, just being there, just listening. But I haven’t really tried to assist them in their recovery or anything. Compassion adds this part to the transaction. Compassion means that not only do I empathize, not only do I sympathize, but I want to do or say something that will help them. I want to work with them on their problem. To take the above example: if my friend’s mother just died, if I am choosing to offer my friend compassion, I will invite my friend to go with me to a grief workshop, or I’ll ask my friend if she would like to visit her mother’s grave, and if I could tag along to support her, or help her with a ritual of some kind. The good news for you—if you know someone going through a hard time—is that they might not need very much compassion. Again, most of the time the best gift we can give others is simple empathy.

I say that this is “good news” just because sympathy and compassion are not the kinds of things you can just conjure up out of thin air. When someone you know is hurting, you might feel anxious, and helpless. You might love them, but feel lost about what you’re supposed to say, or what you’re supposed to do. Don’t worry! Just offer simple empathy: let them know that you understand what they’re going through. That’s enough. You can offer to help with something specific if you like… You could say, “I’m bringing lasagna over tomorrow, how does that sound?” And they can let you know if they want that. But don’t worry about easing their pain, or solving their problems.

Just let them know that you get it. You understand that they’re going through a hard time. You know what? They will probably be relieved that you aren’t anxiously trying to fix them!

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A colleague of mine has a great tool for clearing the air in your relationship. It’s a simple process of stating your feeling, your thought, and your request to the other person. But for some reason, as simple as it is, it can be hard for a lot of people to do it! Hard because you might not like the response you get, or hard because the feelings and thoughts you have are painful. But it’s worth it, and you become stronger and healthier the more you talk honestly with your partner.

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When I was in college I had a roommate–and she’s still a friend, believe it or not–who took a long, long, loooong time unpacking her boxes when we moved into our off-campus house. It bugged me. Since I was only about 20 years old (this was a great long time ago), I decided to try a passive-aggressive approach: I’d see the boxes in the kitchen and call out to no one in particular, “Whose boxes are these?!”

It didn’t work. My roommate saw what was going on and responded in a very healthy way to my maneuver: she slowed down her unpacking and let the boxes sit in the kitchen far longer than she had first intended.

Now that I’m a little older and wiser, I think I know the answer to my question about the boxes: whose boxes are these? Mine. They’re mine. They weren’t bothering my roommate. They were bothering me. To her they physically were boxes, but they didn’t make much difference to her. She’d get to them eventually. So they’re mine–mine in the sense that I’m the one getting angry about them, I’m the one trying to manipulate my roommate, and I’m the one who needs to figure out a more effective way to ask for what I want.

If you find yourself doing this kind of thing, I hope this story reassures you that it’s common. Most of us resort to passive-aggressive games from time to time. (Especially when we’re talking about college roommates.) But the answer to your questions, your maneuvers, your use of sarcasm or subtlety or sarcastic hints to get what you want–the answer is you. It is up to you to think through what you want from others, own up to your own behavior, and be the better roommate, or partner, or friend.

I could have just told my roommate the boxes were getting underfoot, and ask if it’s OK for me to move them into her room. Now, wouldn’t that have been a lot easier?!

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Some traditions call this the Day of the Dead. In my tradition, it’s All Souls’ Day, a day to remember all who have died. Some say that on this day the space separating the living and the dead is thinner. Whatever a person thinks about life and death, this is a good day and a good time of year to reflect, and remember. In the northern hemisphere, all the world seems to be dying–leaves falling, wind picking up, clouds rolling in. A time to think about death, loss, absence.

Maybe it sounds depressing. But it is healthy to have a day or two like this on your calendar. And it’s not just about the death of persons we love. It’s also a good day to think about other “deaths” we’ve suffered–the loss of a relationship, or a way of living and being. The loss of a career, or a home. Even the loss of a worldview, or the loss of innocence.

We don’t do this to be morbid, or to have a “pity party.” When we honestly remember and acknowledge who and what has passed from our midst, then we see our present lives in a richer light. Today is a day to be grateful for those who once walked through life with us, and to recall the grief and sadness that follow in their absence. Today can be a day of silence and strength.

Or just a day of silence.

Happy All Souls’ Day.

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This book, by Janis Abrahms Spring, is great for people who have a hard time forgiving someone close to them. She offers a healthy way to deal with the person without forgiving them, either because they are unwilling to reconcile with you, or they have died, or simply because forgiveness is just not something you’re ready to offer at this time. She also walks readers through the process of genuine forgiveness, which is a process that involves both you and the person who harmed you. Bottom line: forgiveness is not the only path. But if you choose forgiveness, you should know that it always takes two.

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I was first introduced to Jane Kenyon’s poetry by a good friend of mine, and I read Ms. Kenyon’s work again when reading Elizabeth Edwards’s memoir. I recommend her poetry, particularly the poem “Otherwise.” Jane Kenyon died of cancer, and her poems written during her illness reveal how she found beauty and meaning in the midst of suffering.

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