Okay, it happened. Someone I know read my own written work, so of course I’m in big trouble! (Well, at least a little trouble. Or at least I am being heavily teased.) A member of my own family read this post, and now I have some explaining to do.

So here goes.

When I was writing about family dynamics around the holidays, I was of course not writing about my own family, which is a wonderful group of kind, generous, emotionally mature, and physically attractive people.

Okay, I didn’t manage to write that whole sentence without rolling my eyes and laughing. And since I’m just digging the hole deeper, I should probably just give up and say this:

1) If you are suffering the misfortune of being a member of my family, please know that I love coming home for the holidays, even though sometimes we do have a crazy dynamic; and

2) It’s all the other family members who are crazy, not you and me!!

*sigh* I deserve everything I get!

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Have you noticed the Starbucks cups are red again? The leaves are barely off the trees, we’ve just managed to elect a new president, and here we go: the Holidays! For a lot of people, this is not good news.

So here’s my confession: I love the holidays. I’m weird in this way, I think. Around November 11, 12, 13, I start to long for the lights and the trees and even the music. (Obviously I don’t work retail!) But I understand that there are several reasons not to like them, including–

1) Something terrible or sad happened this year, or during the holidays in the past, and all the hoopla just reminds you of what (or who) you lost.

2) You’re keenly aware that not everyone can afford food and shelter–let alone those red Starbucks lattes–and the holidays are a cruel reminder of the fundamental unfairness and injustice in human life.

3) The holidays are just another way for you and your family to go through your usual drama, the typical family dynamic, your own version of the movie “Home for the Holidays“. You’re under all kinds of pressure to fly home and pretend you’re not an adult with your own opinions, your own rituals, your own full life. Yuck.

In my work I usually help people wrestle with 1) and 3). More on 1) soon. Right now–mid-November–you might be planning this year’s holiday family visit. You’re buying your ticket, and you’re already groaning. What to do?

As hard as it sounds–and it’s hard–you might want to challenge yourself this year. Your mother just called and told you the plans changed, forget what you’ve planned, we’re doing it this way, and if you really love us you’ll show up a day earlier… And maybe she didn’t even phrase it as a question. You have your Comply with The Family Or Else marching orders. As hard as it sounds, think about not following those orders. Think about standing a little taller, even with your mother. Think about how you say to yourself every year, “Oh well, I just need to get through the holidays. If I don’t do what they say, they’ll just make it even more miserable for me.” Consider the possibility that yes, they could make things more miserable, but yes, it’s worth it!

It could sound something like this: “Mom, I know you want me to do ______________ this year, but my plan is to do ______________. I know that is disappointing, but I need to stick with my plans. I’ve really been looking forward to them. I hope you can understand. I love you and I’ll see you on the 22nd…”

As I typed that, I shuddered a couple of times. Believe me, I know how hard it can be to stand up to people you love who are close to you, important to you, and pushing you to do the holidays their way. But when you give in completely, you end up losing yourself in the family dynamic and having (at best) an OK time, not a great time. You avoid the pain of standing tall, but you also avoid the delight–even the ecstasy!–that comes when you take a stand for yourself.

If you think this just won’t work because your mother–or everyone–will only push back harder, you’re half right. They will push back harder, and you could really bring on a lot of hostility. You would definitely be stirring the pot. But how else will you change your experience of the holidays? How else can your whole family grow and change? Families (and couples) change when one person stands tall, despite the hostility and resistence (and guilt-trip attempts!) that follow.

In the short term, standing tall won’t “work,” if by working you mean a pain-free holiday season. But think about hanging in there, for your own sake and for the sake of those you love. It’s worth it. So instead of wishing you “happy” holidays, I’ll wish you ecstatic holidays, and the strength and will to make them happen!

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It’s immodest to say this, but hey, it doesn’t happen that often–I’ve been included in a book about kids called “Transforming the Difficult Child: True Stories of Triumph” (link below). I studied with one of the authors, Howard Glasser, who has a wonderful approach to working with kids in classrooms and at home.

I submitted a story about a young client I had a few years ago who helped his mom figure out how to give him timeouts in an effective way. She’d see him break a rule and say, “Pause!” and he would freeze. Then, after a few seconds, she’d say, “Play!” and the timeout was over. That’s right–timeouts can last a few seconds. They don’t have to be “one year for every year of your age,” as the old rule goes. (Who thought of that rule? No one seems to know.) The “pause/play” wording that was the five-year-old child’s idea, so not only did it work, it rewarded him for being creative.

I worked with young children–and not-so-young children–for many years, and I’ve found that many of the ideas that work for them are also useful for couples. It’s not that adults in relationships are acting just like little kids–okay, sometimes it’s like that. But the true similarity is this: most of the time, when kids are acting out, they are just not getting what they need, and it’s not “attention.” It’s love, nurturing, boundaries, clear rules, a world that makes sense and has a lot of strength and companionship and kindness in it.

These sound like the basic needs of adult couples! Here’s the book:

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Have you ever gotten a good piece of advice from a friend? (Or a not-so-good piece?) Of course you have. We all have. “You shouldn’t go out with him,” the friend says. “You need to stand up to your mother.” “You should quit that job.” “Do yourself a favor–break up with her before it’s too late…”

Friends mean well. They want what’s best for you. Most of the time, when they give advice, they truly believe that they are acting in your best interest. And often enough their advice isn’t too bad. Most people have a fairly decent dose of common sense, so there’s no way that all advice is bad.

But I’m not concerned about how bad or good their advice is. My concern is that their advice is all about them. Here’s what I mean:

Advice: “You shouldn’t go out with him.”

Why it’s about your friend and not you: Maybe your friend just doesn’t like the guy. Maybe the guy reminds your friend of someone s/he knows, someone who was a nuisance, or a bad boyfriend. Or maybe your friend fears that your friendship with him/her will suffer if you get into a new relationship. Or maybe your friend actually doesn’t know for sure (or much care) whether you “should” go out with him, but s/he feels pressure to give you some sort of opinion, some sort of advice, so she picked this comment. Or maybe your friend thinks you can’t handle a relationship right now–never mind that you actually can. Or maybe your friend is just having a bad day… The list goes on. For one or many of these reasons, the advice is about your friend, not you.

So, what should you do? Should you take your friend’s advice? My (annoying) answer: well, sure, if that’s what you want. But think about this first: your reaction to your friend’s advice–and your decision about how to act on it–is all about you! So let’s go through this again:

Advice: “You shouldn’t go out with him.”

Your reaction: You decide not to go out with him, but you’re worried you missed an opportunity, and you find yourself feeling a little resentful of your friend.

Why your reaction is about you and not your friend: Maybe you’re in the habit of seeking the advice of others, even when you have a strong idea about what you want and know that it’s a good decision. Or maybe your wish to seize the opportunity is outweighed by your wish to make your friend happy, or avoid conflict with your friend. Maybe you believe you can’t handle conflict–never mind that you actually can. Whatever your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and assumptions are right now, they are yours, and they are driving your reaction to your friend’s advice, and your reaction to your reaction!

I hope you’re not confused at this point. The short version is this: when someone gives you advice, everything they say is a window into their own world, their own perpective, their own “stuff.” They may mean well–most people mean well most of the time–but their advice is still all about them. And your reaction–and how you feel about how you reacted–is all about you.

(And this goes for advice columnists too, by the way! )

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Well–I think I need to revisit an old post on “empathy, sympathy, and compassion.”

Recently I heard from commenter “ianstrever,” who said this in response to my blog post: “You got this completely wrong. The latin roots explain the difference. Empathy contains the root of ‘em’ or ‘in.’ Thus, to empathize with someone means to be ‘in’ the same situation; to feel what they feel. Sympathy contains the root ‘sym/syn’ or ‘like.’ Therefore, the sympathetic person has been in a situation that is like the one someone else is experiencing, but it is not exactly the same thing.”

Not being one who wants to get stuff like this wrong, I consulted dictionary.com, and here’s what I found (bold-face emphasis added by me):

empathy–noun. 1. The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. 2. The imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself: By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self.

sympathy–noun. 1. Harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another. [...] 3. The fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble, fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration. [...] 7. Psychology. A relationship between persons in which the condition of one induces a parallel or reciprocal condition in another.

First, let’s set aside the argument about Latin roots–I’m more interested in how the words are understood and used by American English-speaking people today, even if our usage departs from the original meaning of the words.

It’s not a perfect fit, but I think these definitions support my original post: empathy is the act of understanding another person’s feelings or experiences or perspectives–”I get that you’re upset. It makes sense to me.” But one doesn’t have to share the feelings or experiences or perspectives. As it says in the definition above, empathy is the intellectual identification with another person. (And yet, the definition also says an empathic person could be having a “vicarious experiencing of” the other person’s feelings, so the waters are still a bit muddy!)

And as for sympathy, my original definition understood sympathy as sharing the feelings of another, not simply having an intellectual understanding of the feelings. “You’re upset,” a sympathetic person would say, “and I am too!” This is borne out in the definition above: “harmony of or agreement in feeling,” “the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another,” “a parallel or reciprocal condition in another.”

I was originally drawing on the work of David Burns when I wrote the post on empathy, sympathy, and compassion. I believe his understanding of empathy is consistent with my definition–it’s the act of understanding another person, if not sharing the other person’s feelings or perspective. As I said above, these definitions from dictionary.com don’t fully clarify things…the definition of empathy allows for at least a little bit of what I’d call sympathy, and the definition of sympathy allows for a little bit of compassion! But I’ll stand by my original post and continue using these three words like this:

1. Empathy: I get you.
2: Sympathy: I get you, and I share your feeling.
3: Compassion: I get you, and I want to help you.

And thanks to “ianstrever,” who challenged me to check my work and clarify my thoughts. S/he probably still disagrees with me, but it’s always good to think these things through!

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I posted on this late last year, but it keeps coming up in my work with clients, so I think it’s worth posting again. How do you really clear the air in your relationships? How do you talk to others in a healthy way, particularly when tempers are short?

This technique was developed by Gaelen Billingsley, another great therapist in Seattle. (I suppose someone might say it will hurt my business if I recommend someone else who does what I do, but hey, that’s how good she is!). It’s a method in which you state clearly three basic things:

1. Your feelings. Keep them simple, and take full ownership of them. I feel mad. I feel upset. I feel scared. I feel nervous. I feel frustrated. If you’re saying, “I feel like you don’t respect me,” that’s not a feeling. It’s a thought, a judgment, an assumption. Usually the word “like” is a clue that you’re expressing a thought, not a feeling.

2. Your thoughts. Again, take full ownership. “I think you don’t respect me because you said something I thought was insulting.” Did you notice that statement contains two thoughts? You think he doesn’t respect you, and you think so because he said something you thought was insulting. It helps to sort out your thoughts from your feelings because otherwise, how can the other person really respond to your problem? If you’re lost in your feelings and convinced the other person harmed you, you’re not in a position to listen to the other person’s perspective, let alone reconcile.

3. State clearly your request. “I just want you to hear me out. That’s all.” Or, “I want to know what you were really thinking about me when you said that.” “I would like us to talk this out. Can you help me?”

Finally, think about this: the other person may not honor your request. She might not want to talk. He might not want to tell you what he was really thinking. That’s disappointing, but it’s the other person’s right to respond in whatever way they choose. Thank them anyway for giving you time to state clearly your feelings and thoughts. And keep practicing this technique. It’s not a once-in-a-lifetime thing to do. It’s a new way of relating.

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I’ve worked with adolescents since I first became a therapist ten years ago, and I’ve noticed something they have in common with adults in their 20′s, 30′s, and on up the age range: it’s hard for them to know how to talk to their parents, and it’s hard for their parents to know how to interact with them.

One big hole in the English language—something that English lacks—is a word for “adult children.” A three-year-old is a child. (A 12-year-old can even pass for a child, I suppose, but don’t tell her that!) But everyone else—from ages 13 to 83 (with apologies to all you 84-year-olds out there with living parents!)—everyone else is an adolescent or an adult, but also a “child,” and it’s hard to know what kind of relationship they “should” have with their parents.

Here’s what it can look like: your son is (let’s say) 17 years old. He won’t listen to you, but he seems (maddeningly) to want something from you. He might be raging against your house rules, even breaking your things in what you called “tantrums” a few years ago. He’s pretty much a man by now, so for both emotional and physical reasons, you don’t have much control over him. If he goes into a rage, there’s really not that much you can do. The solution? Just try to relate to him. Adult children (or adolescent children) don’t need you to lead them or parent them as much as they simply need you to relate to them, or connect to them.

This angry 17-year-old…how do you relate? Here are some ideas. 1) Tell him what you see, or tell him what you understand. “I know you’re upset. I would be too.” And just leave it at that. Don’t pressure him with demands, and try not to state (for the thousandth time) the house rules. He knows the rules. Just say out loud what you see going on in front of you. Sometimes this is enough! 2) Tell him you’re available. For example, you could say, “I know you’re mad, and I understand why. I can’t stop you from destroying furniture, or storming out, or staying out all night, or…(whatever it is that he’s doing, or about to do). But I want to tell you something: I am here to listen, I will always be interested in talking to you, I will always be available if you want to tell me more about what’s going on with you.” “F-you,” he might say. “Right,” you say. “F-me. But I’m still here. I am available to listen whenever you want to talk.”

How does that translate for “children” who are even older—children in, say, their forties and fifties? For them, it’s generally a quieter version of the above. If you’re the parent of a “child” who is herself in middle age, the best thing you can do is to 1) listen; and 2) be available. Maintain the connection. Relate to your son or daughter. Don’t bother trying to change them, or trying to protect them from the decisions they’re making. You probably already know that’s futile! Just make a connection. Just relate.

One final note about parents and “children”: the higher they both go in age, the more the roles slowly begin to switch—the “child” becomes parental as the “parent” becomes elderly. If this has already happened to you, and you are trying to cope with your elderly parent, the “listen/connect” rule might really be helpful. Try it out. It’s a lot easier than actually getting your parents to do what you want! (And if you’re building the connection, who knows? Maybe that will happen too. After all, that’s how it works with adolescents!)

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I’m on a “definition of terms” kick, I guess! I recently worked with a client who was trying to help someone deal with a difficult situation and needed to sort out the differences between empathy, sympathy, and compassion. I’ll define them here, and tell you why it’s helpful to notice their differences.

First, empathy. Empathy is just this: noticing and understanding someone else’s experience, or situation, or perspective. Empathy does not mean you agree, or share the feeling, or see it their way. It only means you get it, you get how they see their problem. If someone you know is going through a hard time, you might be relieved to hear that all they really need from you is empathy. They don’t need you to feel their pain, and they certainly don’t need you to solve their problem (even if they ask you to!). It really helps for you to say, “I can see how hard this is for you. I can see why it’s so upsetting.” It also helps to simply repeat back to them what they said. “You’re mad at him because he betrayed you. I totally understand!” That’s an empathy statement.

Next: sympathy. Sympathy is not just understanding another person’s perspective. It is also feeling the same way the other person feels about their problem. This is why I don’t like “sympathy” greeting cards. If my friend’s mother just died, I don’t feel sympathy. I might empathize with them—my mother died 11 years ago, so I absolutely understand what they’re going through—but I am not going through it myself. I am not grieving like they are. If I open a greeting-card shop someday (which isn’t such a far-fetched possibility, by the way!), I will have a section called “Empathy Cards,” not “Sympathy Cards.” The good news for you—if you know someone who’s going through a hard time—is that they don’t really need your sympathy. They don’t need you to experience their loss the way they are experiencing it. They just need your empathy.

Finally, compassion. Compassion is empathy-plus-help, or sympathy-plus-help. Here’s what I mean: if I empathize or sympathize with someone, I haven’t really done anything yet, at least anything active or concrete. I might be offering them a helpful presence, just being there, just listening. But I haven’t really tried to assist them in their recovery or anything. Compassion adds this part to the transaction. Compassion means that not only do I empathize, not only do I sympathize, but I want to do or say something that will help them. I want to work with them on their problem. To take the above example: if my friend’s mother just died, if I am choosing to offer my friend compassion, I will invite my friend to go with me to a grief workshop, or I’ll ask my friend if she would like to visit her mother’s grave, and if I could tag along to support her, or help her with a ritual of some kind. The good news for you—if you know someone going through a hard time—is that they might not need very much compassion. Again, most of the time the best gift we can give others is simple empathy.

I say that this is “good news” just because sympathy and compassion are not the kinds of things you can just conjure up out of thin air. When someone you know is hurting, you might feel anxious, and helpless. You might love them, but feel lost about what you’re supposed to say, or what you’re supposed to do. Don’t worry! Just offer simple empathy: let them know that you understand what they’re going through. That’s enough. You can offer to help with something specific if you like… You could say, “I’m bringing lasagna over tomorrow, how does that sound?” And they can let you know if they want that. But don’t worry about easing their pain, or solving their problems.

Just let them know that you get it. You understand that they’re going through a hard time. You know what? They will probably be relieved that you aren’t anxiously trying to fix them!

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A colleague of mine has a great tool for clearing the air in your relationship. It’s a simple process of stating your feeling, your thought, and your request to the other person. But for some reason, as simple as it is, it can be hard for a lot of people to do it! Hard because you might not like the response you get, or hard because the feelings and thoughts you have are painful. But it’s worth it, and you become stronger and healthier the more you talk honestly with your partner.

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When I was in college I had a roommate–and she’s still a friend, believe it or not–who took a long, long, loooong time unpacking her boxes when we moved into our off-campus house. It bugged me. Since I was only about 20 years old (this was a great long time ago), I decided to try a passive-aggressive approach: I’d see the boxes in the kitchen and call out to no one in particular, “Whose boxes are these?!”

It didn’t work. My roommate saw what was going on and responded in a very healthy way to my maneuver: she slowed down her unpacking and let the boxes sit in the kitchen far longer than she had first intended.

Now that I’m a little older and wiser, I think I know the answer to my question about the boxes: whose boxes are these? Mine. They’re mine. They weren’t bothering my roommate. They were bothering me. To her they physically were boxes, but they didn’t make much difference to her. She’d get to them eventually. So they’re mine–mine in the sense that I’m the one getting angry about them, I’m the one trying to manipulate my roommate, and I’m the one who needs to figure out a more effective way to ask for what I want.

If you find yourself doing this kind of thing, I hope this story reassures you that it’s common. Most of us resort to passive-aggressive games from time to time. (Especially when we’re talking about college roommates.) But the answer to your questions, your maneuvers, your use of sarcasm or subtlety or sarcastic hints to get what you want–the answer is you. It is up to you to think through what you want from others, own up to your own behavior, and be the better roommate, or partner, or friend.

I could have just told my roommate the boxes were getting underfoot, and ask if it’s OK for me to move them into her room. Now, wouldn’t that have been a lot easier?!

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