Today the film version of the musical Mamma Mia! opens in theaters, and in its honor I’m reviewing the lyrics of the title song as part of my Unhealthy Pop Song Lyrics series.

In this version of the song, as Agnetha sings, her therapist listens with increasing worry, and then makes a carefully considered decision about what to do. Enjoy, and happy Friday!

AGNETHA: I’ve been cheated by you since I don’t know when.
THERAPIST: Right. You told me about him last session.
So I made up my mind it must come to an end.
So far so good! Took her a while but it’s never too late.
Look at me now, will I ever learn?
I don’t know how, but I suddenly lose control.
I know how. Let’s work on that.
There’s a fire within my soul.
Uh oh.
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring.
A bell rings? Is she Pavlov?
One more look and I forget everything. O-o-o-oh…
Don’t! Don’t do it!
Mamma mia! Here I go again!
No! Don’t!
My my, how can I resist you?
I know how! Don’t do it!
Mamma mia! Does it show again?
My my, just how much I’ve missed you?
How could it not show? You’re whipped!
Yes, I’ve been brokenhearted,
blue since the day we parted,
why why did I ever let you go?
I’ll tell you why! You know why! Don’t do it!
Mamma mia! Now I really know
why why I could never let you go.
She did it.
I’ve been angry and sad about things that you do.
Right. Remember that!
I can’t count all the times that I told you we’re through.
I can.
And when you go, when you slam the door,
I think you know that you won’t be away too long.
Why’s that??!
You know that I’m not that strong.
Oh Agnetha. We’ve been through this!
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring,
That damn bell again.
One more look and I forget everything. O-o-o-oh…
Mamma mia! Here I go again…
I give up. Hell, it’s a good song. Might as well dance…

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Something I do with almost every client is this: we pore over our calendars to find a date for our next meeting. Many of you have regular appointments, but others can’t do that because of changing work schedules. It can be crazy! So I’m happy to say I found a cartoon (click on thumbnail below) which was published twelve years ago and has stayed with me ever since. Let’s just say I’m glad they finally found a date for their meeting!

Happy Fourth of July everyone. Be safe, and if you’re in the mood, do this.

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Today is June 6, and currently the temperature in Seattle is 47 degrees. Yes, that’s 47 degrees Fahrenheit! All this February weather has gotten me thinking about Seasonal Affect Disorder, which is real, in case you want to know. I’m originally from Minnesota, so in all honesty I’m not profoundly affected by the weather. I’ve seen worse! But it takes its toll. Especially when it feels like this pattern is a part of Global Weirding. It’s a little scary to take the dogs out in early June and bundle up like it’s still the middle of winter.

So…here’s something else that can cheer us all up. (Or at least me.) Like pretty much everybody else, I’ve been watching political events unfold this week with almost obsessive interest. I’ve been checking and re-checking my favorite political blogs–my favorite? that’s easy…go here–and following every breaking news story about Obama clinching the nomination, Clinton bowing out, and everything in between.

As I’ve been watching this historic election, I’ve felt more and more optimistic, more and more hopeful, about the direction our country is taking. And I’ve even dared to look forward to seeing clients in November. Why? Because I remember seeing clients in November 2004, and it was a hard, hard time back then. It’s no secret that I live and work in the indigo-blue city of Seattle, so the 2004 election returns were not good news for most of my clients. And for some of them, they were seriously depressing. (For a few, they were dangerously depressing!) I was really concerned, both personally and professionally, about how things were going on a national scale.

I mention all of this primarily because–as I said–I’m feeling optimistic and hopeful about current events, despite all the terrifying problems like cyclones, earthquakes, political upheaval, terrorism, global “weirding,” and so on. I’m optimistic and hopeful because I really think our nation is about to turn the page on rhetoric and policies that haven’t helped us face these problems.

But I also mention it because I’m trained as a “systems” therapist, meaning I do not see individual mood problems (for instance) simply as an individual’s problem. When someone tells me she’s dangerously depressed by election returns, I take her word for it. I don’t assume she’s just clinically depressed. I don’t assume she just has something “wrong with her brain.” I know better. Big events have big effects on individual people.

So if you have the misfortune of living and working in 47-degree weather today, take a moment to check out your favorite political blog. Things are looking up!

(Knock on wood!)

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First: my usual disclaimer: This is a post in the Unhealthy Pop Song Lyrics series. It’s just for fun, intended for your entertainment! So I hope you enjoy it.

I thought I should take on a song that has unhealthy lyrics but is also a song I enjoy. So without further ado, here’s “Wishin’ and Hopin’,” sung by Ani DiFranco. (And how great is it that it’s sung by Ani DiFranco?!) Below the lyrics you’ll find my critique.

Wishin’, and hopin’, and thinkin’, and prayin’,
plannin’ and dreamin’ each night of his charms.
That won’t get you into his arms.

So if you’re looking to find love you can share,
all you gotta do is hold him, and kiss him, and love him,
and show him that you care.

Show him that you care–just for him.
Do the things that he likes to do.
Wear your hair just for him,
cause you won’t get him thinkin’, and prayin’,
wishin’, and hopin’–

just wishin’, and hopin’, and thinkin’, and prayin’,
plannin’, and dreamin’ his kisses will start–
that won’t get you into his heart!

So if you’re thinking how great true love is,
all you gotta do is hold him, and kiss him,
and squeeze him, and love him…
Just do it! And after you do,
you will be his!

[repeat]

OK. So here’s where I’m supposed to critique this great work of art–whoops I mean this insulting sexist jingle. Except it’s hilarious! It’s the perfect unhealthy pop song because it’s aware of how screwed up it is, and just wallows in it! So as much as this might disappoint you, I’m not going to tear it apart, and I certainly am not going to rewrite the lyrics. They’re perfect just as they are. If you really want to have a healthy relationship, do NOT take this song’s advice. But you knew that already, right? So just enjoy it, and give credit where it’s due to the genius who is Ms. Ani DiFranco.

And Happy Friday!

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(First, my usual disclaimer: this is a Friday post, so it’s a little irreverent, and meant for your enjoyment! It’s part of my “Unhealthy Pop Song Lyrics” series.)

Today we’re taking a look at the song, “Wind Beneath My Wings.” I decided that since this song was sung by Bette Midler (playing the character “CC”) in the film “Beaches,” just after her character’s best friend died, I would critique the song from the perspective of her departed best friend Hillary, played by Barbara Hershey. So here’s the situation: CC sings the song, and Hillary, having died and found her way to heaven (and wised up a bit), has figured out how screwed up most earth-bound relationships are (or at least most earth-bound pop songs), and keeps interrupting her old friend. So here goes:

CC: It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine; that’s your way.
You always walked a step behind.

HILLARY: What?! I never had sunlight on my face? What, are you kidding? CC, I love you and all, don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t cold. I wasn’t hiding in your shadow. Yes, I understood that when we were friends, you were the celebrity. You were the performer. But I have no regrets. Did I let you shine? Meaning, let you shine while I “walked a step behind”? Um, sorry, but no. Get over yourself! Yes, I was an introvert. I didn’t seek the limelight. But that doesn’t mean I sacrificed my life for you. I just had a different style, a different personality. And to tell you the truth, I’m a little bit shocked that you didn’t know that! But–go on. Keep singing your song…

CC: So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

HILLARY: Hold on, CC. You had glory–meaning, I didn’t? And I had strength, meaning, you didn’t?! I know these lyrics sound sweet, but why are glory and strength polar opposites? Why can’t you be famous and strong? Like, oh, you know, not this Hillary, but Hillary Clinton? That woman’s got it goin’ on! (Yes, we’re following the Democratic presidential primary up here. And even though we know who’s going to win, it’s fascinating!) But as I was saying, why do you think I had a beautiful face but no name? Did you forget that I built a career of my own, that our friendship–as lovely as it was, don’t get me wrong–that our friendship wasn’t the whole point of my life? Sorry, CC, I wouldn’t trade our friendship for anything, but I’m proud of my career. I’m happy with all of my life, not just the great times I had with you. And as for my beautiful smile, OK, sure, sometimes I smiled when in fact I felt a little miserable (who doesn’t?), but I like to think that for the most part my smile was just that: my smile. I led a good life. Don’t forget that, my friend.

CC: Did you ever know that you’re my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

HILLARY: Oh, CC! All this pressure! I am the wind beneath your wings? Seriously? It’s sweet of you to call me your hero, and I guess I’m flattered that I’m everything you’d like to be, but to be honest, I never saw you that way. I never thought you were unable to have your own great life, to fulfill your own great destiny. I appreciate your praise, but really, you’re flying high all on your own. You don’t need me for that.

CC: It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I’ve got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know the truth; of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

HILLARY: (sighing) Oh, CC. You know, there wasn’t that much that went unnoticed between us. Not to be snarky or anything, but I was pretty bright when I lived on earth. And you should know it’s not healthy to say you would be “nothing” without me. I miss you–I really do!–but I don’t want you singing that line to me now that I’ve gone. You would be nothing without me? Come on! You don’t have to pretend I made you who you are as a way to honor me or pay me your respects now that I’ve died. (And I don’t want to sound nasty, but it kind of makes my death all about you.) If I’m a true friend, I’m comfortable with you just as you are, not you as an extension of me. Well, CC, I think I better go. But–no kidding–thanks for the song. Really. And I wish you all the best. I’m not the “wind beneath your wings.” I hope you know that. (If not, just ask your therapist!) But I am your biggest fan! xoxox, your friend,

Hillary

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Welcome to my new blog category: Unhealthy Pop Song Lyrics. I’ve heard a lot of bad music in my time, but I’ve heard lyrics that are even worse! In this series I’ll talk about how pop songs often teach us how to have unhealthy, unhappy relationships. Or they tease us with the idea that love is easy. And, because I don’t want to simply tear something apart and leave it at that, I’ll have alternative ideas (if not alternative lyrics!) that help you feel more confident that you can develop relationships that are healthy and passionate and exciting!

(Quick warning: I’m having a lot of fun with this, so if I sound snarky, please know I’m actually smiling and thoroughly enjoying myself!)

My first pop song is not really a pop song, I guess. It’s a TV-show theme song: “The Love Boat.” Here are the lyrics, and I’ve bolded the ones I find particularly silly or unhealthy:

Love, exciting and new.
Come aboard. We’re expecting you!
Love, life’s sweetest reward.
Let it flow; it floats back to you.
The Love Boat soon will be making another run.
The Love Boat promises something for everyone.
Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.
Love won’t hurt anymore.
It’s an open smile on a friendly shore.
It’s love! Welcome aboard, it’s love!

OK. So let’s start with love being “life’s sweetest reward.” Really? Really?! Because I’m a couples therapist, and in my work (as well as my personal life) I’ve seen that life’s sweetest reward is the satisfaction that comes when people do the heroic, hard work of growth and change. Love is sweet, don’t get me wrong. And true love–the kind of love that people write good poetry about–is sweetest of all. But it takes a lot of work. These lyrics make it sound like all you have to do is pop on a boat, shake hands with the cruise director, and find the lover of your dreams, preferably before the second commercial break.

“Let it flow.” Um, what? Let what flow? Love? Once again, see my comments above re: love as work. I’m all for letting it flow, if by letting it flow you mean relaxing and soothing yourself so that you can stay close to someone and do the hard work of intimacy, the scary (and exhilarating) labor of love. When we’re doing that kind of love/work, it’s good to “let it flow,” meaning, breathe deeply, hang in there, relax, stay with it… But again, this song is messing with us. “Let it flow” in this song means, don’t worry about doing the work of love. Just let it happen. It’ll float back to you. (Um, sorry, but no…)

“[Love]…promises something for everyone.” This is a great example of a child’s view of relationships and love. “Promises something for everyone” sounds like, “If I’m real, real good, Santa will leave me a lover under the Christmas tree! And s/he’ll be my lover forever!” Sorry, but it only works that way on 1970’s television romantic comedies.

“Love won’t hurt anymore.” Well, OK, I guess I agree with that, as long as “Love won’t hurt anymore” means the same thing as “Love is a painful process of excruciating self-confrontation, character-building intimacy, and lifelong adventures that promise dizzying heights of joy–yes, joy–but not without a lot of effort. Like all things that are truly good and truly worthwhile, love hurts.

So, as promised, here are some alternatives. What they lack in poetic flow they make up for in emotional health. Enjoy!

Unhealthy: Love is life’s sweetest reward.
Healthy: The hard work of love leads us further and further into deeply rewarding relationships.

Unhealthy: Let love flow, and it will float back to you.
Healthy: Let yourself flow as you stay close to another person. Let yourself relax, even though you’re feeling scared, challenged, and excited. Stay close, stay in the fray. If you do, your better self–your best self–will lead you into an intense and wonderful connection with your partner.

Unhealthy: Love promises something for everyone.
Healthy: There are no guarantees, no promises. But anything you do that challenges yourself, or brings out the best in yourself, will help you grow, stengthen your relationships, and deepen your attractiveness in the eyes of others.

Unhealthy: Love won’t hurt anymore.
Healthy: Love hurts something awful! But you know it’s worth it! You know it! So jump in!

Next unhealthy pop song: “The Wind Beneath My Wings.” (Bette, get some therapy!)

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A little while ago I figured out how to write a post about our older dog, Stella. And I promised that I would write about Hoshi, our younger dog, who turns two in June. (His sign? Gemini, of course!) Hoshi is a classic younger sibling: crazy, cute, wild, and wonderful. Make no mistake: Stella is the beloved girl in my home. But Hoshi has found his own place in the family. Like Stella, Hoshi is definitely a Shiba Inu, but unlike many dogs of that breed, he’s more than a little silly, and mostly just a crazy guy.

And, Hoshi has been given death sentence. (!!) A couple weeks after we brought him home, our vet told us that he has a serious heart murmur, and with a very serious look on her face, she recommended that Hoshi be examined by a canine cardiologist. The ultrasound confirmed her fears: Hoshi has valvular and sub-valvular aortic stenosis. In English, he has a valve in his heart that is too narrow, too constricted, and the space below it is also too tight. He’s not supposed to live beyond the age of four.

Poor guy!!

When I heard this, I did what any sensible human being would do. I left my office (I got the call at work), locked myself in the bathroom, and wept like a baby. He’s our guy! It took all of, oh, five seconds or so for Hoshi to bond with the whole household, Stella included, so when we got this news, it was devastating.

And this is the moment when I found out how valuable it is to have a good veterinarian. (Here’s the link, if you live in Seattle and are shopping for one!) Dr. Weihl was great. She talked about surgery, but didn’t push it (it’s highly risky, might not work, and would severely traumatize Hoshi.) So, surgery was not a good option. How about keeping Hoshi really calm all the time? Would that help? Dr. Weihl said, “Here’s what I think. It’s party time. Hoshi doesn’t have any idea he’s got this problem. As far as he’s concerned, there is no problem!” She said we should just enjoy him for as long as we have him, and not worry about it. Besides, Hoshi is a major spaz, so it’s not as if it would be easy to keep him calm with the goal of minimizing stress on his heart. And if we somehow managed to do that, he wouldn’t be living a dog’s life. He wouldn’t be Hoshi. So we took her advice.

And here’s why Hoshi is worthy of a blog post: this little guy, heart problem and all, has really brought home a good lesson. So often in life, human beings want things to be perfect. They want things to make sense. Cute little dogs shouldn’t have heart problems. Happy families shouldn’t be challenged by terrible “death sentences.” But here’s the thing: it’s not a death sentence! Remember: Hoshi’s a dog. And dogs are experts at living in the moment. Right here, right now—Now is the Moment in the life of a dog. It’s something dogs are great at teaching us linear-thinking humans. Dogs fully experience the Now. They fully enjoy everything that they’re receiving, right now, right this second. Tomorrow? It doesn’t exist. Or if it does, well, it will take care of itself.

Stella, despite her substantial ego, is also a dog. And that means she too lives in the moment, and exemplifies that lifestyle. But Hoshi, our little guy, he is even more poignantly a present-day, present-moment creature. Yes, he has a heart defect. And that means he could be gone tomorrow. But it also means he’s even better at teaching humans the life lesson dogs know so well.

(And be sure you have treats on hand for your dog. Like Hoshi, I’m sure your dog is hungry. Or at least he wants me to think that!)

Hoshi (left) and Stella.

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It’s Friday, so let’s have some fun with astrology. I’m not an expert, and I know that a number of my clients have no time for it, but I like to think about it from time to time, and I actually think there’s something to it. Really!

But first, a disclaimer: I’m not sure our astrological signs are connected to the stars, sun, and planets themselves (for this reason). I think instead that they’re a product of something close to what has been called the collective unconscious. For example, because I was born in mid-August, I’m a Leo. But I think (and I hope I’m not mistaken) the sun was actually in Cancer when I was born. However, because so many of us set store by these signs, I have been raised as a Leo, and because I self-identify as a Leo, I may be unconsciously taking on many of the qualities of Leos. (We’re great, by the way!)

(And one of our less-attractive qualities is thinking we’re great!!)

But great as I might be (and the jury’s still out on that), I’m not as great as this guy, so I’m not going to say that what I’m talking about is his idea of collective unconscious. But I do think there’s something about how we’re socialized that shapes us under one of the twelve astrological signs. Which brings me to Aries, the sign currently holding sway. Today is my sister Mary’s birthday, so of course she is an Aries. And my friends Alissa and Andrew are Aries (an awesome alliteration!). And my brother-in-law Chris is an Aries. And my dad’s wife is an Aries. And let’s see… my friend’s sister… another friend’s year-old son… my goddaughter… my older dog Stella… and my (departed) friend Richard was an Aries. So I have a few of them in my life!

To pay tribute to them and honor their achievements, I’ll tell the story of my sister’s visit to Seattle. A few years back, Mary decided to come for a visit, and at that time she was single. She came to town, got settled in the house, and immediately began exploring the city. Well, the region is more like it! She’d call me from Bellevue, then from the zoo, then from other places where I’ve never been, even though I’ve lived in Seattle for years. When my car malfunctioned, she fixed it. She had a grand time, and I was amazed. I don’t know if I would be as self-reliant and independent as Mary if I were exploring an unfamiliar city. But that’s an Aries for you!

So Happy Birthday to all you rams out there, and happy Friday to everyone!

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For a good laugh, click here. It’s a hilarious take on a client who’s trying to end a therapeutic relationship. But before you read it, please understand: I do not act this way in my work with clients! I normally save fun things like this for Friday blogs, but I couldn’t wait. Enjoy!

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My sister emailed me and showed me this blog, and she’s right—it’s funny. And there’s a lot in there about counseling, medications, and emotional problems. If you’re looking for a fresh and funny perspective on moods, relationships, and counselors, check it out!

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