Years ago I knew someone who was prone to anxiety attacks. I had read while studying Dialectical Behavioral Therapy that holding your face in a bowl of ice-cold water for 30 seconds can be a quick and effective way to, well, literally chill out. I think DBT also taught me the ice-cube technique I used on my friend. I told him to just sit tight, I’ll be right back. I went to the fridge and filled a cereal bowl with ice cubes, came back, and said, “Here. Hold these in your hand.” He obeyed (he was too anxious to resist or push back with questions). Within one minute, his anxiety attack was over. He was looking at his freezing-cold hand, and the pain of that coldness had yanked him out of his anxiety. His brain had something else to focus on.

Is this the total solution to your anxiety problems? No. You’ll probably also have to talk about it, to work through it cognitively. But it’s a great example of how water (this time, in its frozen form) can manipulate our bodies in such a way that anxiety suddenly drops down to normal levels. This is because we experience emotions in our physical bodies. Emotions are physiological phenomena. The ice-cube technique works with anxiety, but also anger: if you’re enraged about something, go grab some ice cubes. You’ll start to calm down almost immediately, and you can then work effectively deal with what (or who) made you mad.

Hot water works too. I’m a big fan of hot baths as a way to relax, but also regroup, re-organize, and re-orient both my head and my heart so that I can look at a problem in a new way. Even simply washing your hands and face with hot water and soap can be an effective self-soothing skill that frees you to engage your problem with strength and renewed concentration.

We’re mostly made of water, and we live on a planet with 70% of its crust submerged under water. Water is everywhere. It only stands to reason that water can be a powerful tool that helps us relax, refocus, and approach our complex issues with a refreshed body and mind.

Bonus: ice cubes are way cheaper than meds…and no side effects!

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Think about all the things you do regularly whether you want to or not: pay the electric bill, service the car, go to work, drive your mom to the doctor, and on into infinity. These are things you do because, well, because you do them. They have to get done. But if you’re like a lot of people, your relationship is not required. Everything about it is voluntary, and, therefore, open to being blown off. And then you wind up in my office! Here’s a primer on date nights, a Date Night 101:

1. Pick one night, the same night every week. (Yeah, I can already hear you saying, “We can’t! His rotation changes by the week and I’m a bartender so I never know when I’m going to be scheduled, and it’s always at night!” Even if one regular night is impossible, there’s got to be some block of time each week—3am to 7am on Sundays??—that will work for you both.)

2. During that special time, nobody gets in your way. If you have kids, you pay for a sitter and get out of the house. Maybe it’s okay for you to share date night with friends, but wait a bit before doing that. Get into the rhythm as a couple first.

3. Repeat 52 times. Then evaluate. How’s it going? What’s different about your relationship, about you, about how you feel about each other? Anything need to change, or be adjusted? Some of my clients come to counseling and then go on their date night. I recommend this. It makes the whole thing even more intentional.

Whatever you plan, set it in stone. It’s the Law. That way, your relationship is not completely vulnerable to the tyranny of your schedules, whims, emotions, and issues. At least this one block of time each week is immune from all of that.

Note to singles: this works for those of us currently not in relationships. No matter what your relationship status is, if you set aside one block of time each week just for yourself, what do you imagine might change in your life? Have you ever really done this? (I know it’s hard for me!) I’d hazard a guess that your blood pressure would be lower, you’d feel healthier, and you’d feel a lot less frazzled and crazy. And you could kick it off with a nice individual therapy session!

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You can take the MBTI assessment online by yourself and come in for a 1.5-hour session with me to interpret it, or you could come in as a couple for a 2-hour session. (For couples, both of you would take the online assessment separately.) I’m also available to work with larger groups such as your work team. The online assessment will generate a detailed report personalized for you, based on your answers to 144 short questions about your personality preferences.

MBTI focuses on two basic human activities: the way we take in information (and the kind of information we tend to trust), and the way we make decisions. The first activity—taking in information—is about whether 1) you prefer to pay attention to the many here-and-now details and facts that you get from your five senses, or 2) whether you like to see broad patterns and tend to trust your ideas and hunches.

The second activity—the way we make decisions—is about whether 1) you prefer to make decisions using logic and a critical, principled method; or 2) you prefer to make decisions by listening to your values and your concerns about the impact of the decision on the people involved.

MBTI also helps you decide whether you put most of your energy out into the external world (extraversion) or whether you prefer to direct most of your energy inward, cultivating a rich inner life (introversion). Finally, MBTI helps you decide whether your attitude toward the external world is marked by a desire to be organized with lots of closure and certainty or a desire to be open-ended with lots of room for discussion and uncertainty.

All of this is intended to be useful in practical ways. You can use MBTI to understand how you behave in conflict, how you communicate with others, how you manage change, how your preferences affect your marriage/partnership, and more.

Again, you can take the assessment by yourself and come in for a 1.5-hour session with me to interpret it, or you could come in as a couple for a 2-hour session. I’m also available to work with larger groups such as your work team. Think about it, and stay tuned for more information about this useful tool.

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I’m doing some light blogging during a week of training for certification as a MBTI practitioner, and I’ll have a lot more to say (and do) when this is over and I can actually use the instrument with clients. But for those who are interested in personality type and how it operates in their lives and relationships, I’ll share a few of the things I’m learning along the way.

Have you ever heard someone say, “Oh, he’s a P off the scale, so no wonder he’s so disorganized!” or “Yeah, well she’s a huge J, so of course she has to control everything!” Comments like that are problematic for two reasons.

I knew the first reason before I took this training: one’s preference for a certain attitude (perceiving vs. judging, or extraversion vs. introversion) or function (sensing vs. intuition, or thinking vs. feeling) does not explain why someone might be disorganized or controlling. There are lots of organized P’s and flexible J’s walking around in the world!

But there’s another problem with using type in this way: according to type theory, if you prefer J, you prefer J. You can’t have an “off-the-scale” J preference. If you take the instrument (and note that it’s an instrument, not a test!) and it reveals a “slight” preference for “J”, that only means that the consistency of your “J” responses on the instrument was in the “slight” range. You have just as much of a preference for “J” as someone whose responses were fully consistent with a preference for “J,” which is the “very clear” range. In fact, if your reported type indicated a “slight” preference for “J,” you’re more like a “very clear” “J” than a “slight” “P”! It’s not about the amount or level of “J” you “have” in your personality. It’s about the clarity of your preference in the reported type, that is, the type that was reported back to you after you took the instrument.

Having said all that, you may get your instrument back and think, no, I really don’t think I prefer “J.” I think I am a perceiving type, and the instrument was not accurate. That’s just fine! You get to decide what your preferences are and verify your “best-fit” type. But if you conclude that you have a preference for one opposite over another—as in the above example, “J” over “P,” then it doesn’t matter how clear your preference appeared on the instrument: you are, through and through, someone who prefers a “judging” attitude.

More soon, for those who are still reading this!

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If you’re not familiar with the MBTI, you’ll probably recognize pieces of it, such as the introvert/extravert dichotomy. If not, you should know it’s a soundly researched, effective tool that helps you understand yourself and your personality preferences, and apply that understanding in many practical ways. And it can even be a lot of fun!

But I struggled yesterday. The assessment came back and said (based on my own answers) that I am an ENTJ—extravert (yep) intuitive (oh yeah) thinking (WTF?!) judging (check). That means I recharge my batteries—I energize—by putting energy outward, by extraverting it; I receive information as an intuitive, which means I search for meaning, play with metaphors, and love to dream up creative solutions; I make decisions as a thinking type, relying more on logic and high principles to reach conclusions about things (as opposed to feelings and value systems); and finally, I live as a judging type, not a perceiving type, which means not that I’m judgmental, but rather that I prefer closure, being organized, following clear checklists, etc.

But wait! I really think I’m an F! That is, I have a lot of tension and uncertainty on that third measurement—thinking vs. feeling. I often make decisions based on my feelings, and my values. I’m often concerned about how everyone else in the room is doing, whether they’re being affirmed and supported. I connect with clients on a feeling level when we’re deciding where we’re going to go, whether it’s a choice about what to do with our session or where they’re headed in their work around a major decision in their life. But…I am also a thinking type. I frame things in a very T way: I’m an organized, logical writer, even when I’m writing creatively, and I come across to some of my colleagues as a T. (While the other half of my colleagues just stand there and say, dude, you’re totally an F. Come on!)

And this is where the MBTI instrument can help. When you find yourself in the middle on one of the measurements, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re in happy balance. It could easily mean that you’re conflicted, or that you still have a lot of development work to do around that dimension of your personality preference. When I read the ENFJ descriptions, I recognize myself…a lot. And that includes the part that describes how an ENFJ might behave if his feeling function hasn’t been fully nurtured or cultivated.

So…it was up to me to make the call. And here it is: I’m an ENFJ, world. Deal with it! And I know just where I need to go next in my self-development.

Update: this is also a good example of how the MBTI tells us not who we are, but what we prefer. We can do all of the functions it measures. Instead of saying “I’m an F,” it’s more accurate to say, “I slightly prefer F.” So I won’t duck my responsibility to do things I don’t prefer by saying, “Well, I’m an ENFJ, so I don’t do that!” As an ENFJ, I may not prefer to do it, but I certainly can put energy into my inner life (introvert), focus on details (sensing), let go and be spontaneous (perceiving), and, as I discussed above, develop both my feeling and thinking functions as I move in the world.

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One of the things I had to learn by experience is something that other therapists knew from the beginning: it helps to just sit down and talk. The reason this lesson was hard for me to learn is that I have a personality that assumes I need to come to the table with lots of ideas, techniques, skills, and methods. If you’re a couple going through a hard time, then I need to meet you with my quiver full of suggestions about better communication, self-development, emotional maturity, and so on. Isn’t that what you’re paying for?

Yes…and no. You’re also paying for the opportunity to talk out loud—in the presence of an intelligent and supportive person—about your problems. And in the talking, you begin to find your way to a few answers, a few solutions. I’ve seen hundreds of clients in thousands of therapy sessions, and I can’t count how many times it was helpful for people simply to talk it out. “I just needed to vent, I guess,” I’ll hear my clients say. “No,” I respond, “it’s not just venting. You’re working out a solution to all of this, just by talking it out.”

I smile when I encounter clients who have a personality like my own and are just as surprised as I am that the most helpful thing they received in our work together was a place to simply give voice to their concerns. “My partner just drives me crazy!!” They might say. And then we do 45 minutes on how crazy their partner is. I could jump in with a suggestion that my client use “I Statements”—you know, “it’s not that my partner is crazy, it’s that my partner does what she does, and my response to her behavior is crazy…”—but often enough I don’t have to over-function in that way. When my clients are “venting,” they typically know what they’re doing. They know they’re supposed to focus on their own “stuff.” But it’s helpful to just let it all out. Soon enough, after stating out loud the thoughts and feelings that have been stewing inside them, they feel a sense of relief…and they begin to function in healthier ways.

If you come to see me for counseling, you might be encouraged to know that I take seriously my role as a professional who is supposed to offer you great insights, effective techniques, and useful perspectives. But you also might be comforted to know that when we get together to talk, a lot of the solution is in the talking.

So…what’s on your mind?

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It works like this. When a person has a problem, let’s say, with alcohol, she is somewhere on the following list of attitudes and behaviors in relationship with alcohol:

1. Precontemplation: she may not be admitting to herself that she has a problem, or if she is, she’s not ready to work on it.
2. Contemplation: she intends to change, and is beginning to come up with some first steps she wants to take.
3. Preparation: she’s much closer to taking action.
4. Action: she’s working the problem!
5. Maintenance: having achieved success, she’s working on preventing relapse.
6. Termination: (for the alcohol example, this does not apply) she has solved her problem and no longer needs maintenance.

This all sounds good, but it gets complicated because, even if you’re already in counseling, you may not be at the action stage. I’ve had many clients who work with me while still in the precontemplation stage. When you’re in that stage, you’re not yet serious about your problem, and perhaps in active denial about it. You may be in counseling because someone recommended it, or because you yourself have a sense that something’s wrong and you should talk to someone. But it can be a frustrating and confusing experience.

As a therapist, I’ve always believed that I need to work with my own therapist to be sure I’m focusing on my own personal issues, if only so they don’t get in the way when I’m working with my clients on theirs. And I’ve often seen myself moving through all six of these stages of change while working with a therapist. After many years of this, I’ve come to realize that it’s never over: if I’m terminating one problem, I’m in precontemplation on another issue. If I’m active and successful in one area, I’m lost in the “contemplation forest” on something else. We are dynamic, ever-changing, living beings. There’s always something coming up.

So if you’re feeling confused or frustrated, it might help to take a look at this model and see where you might fall. That insight can lead you to ask yourself, “Where should I go next?”

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Think about a relationship you’ve had that has gone sour. This usually happens over time: you and your partner (or friend, or mother, any relationship) have little interactions over a span of months (or even years) in which you feel slighted, misunderstood, maybe even mistreated. And then you discover that you’ve been collecting these grievances and keeping them in a little bitter file in your mind, your anti-partner file, if you want to call it that. Your memory of these events may be distorted, but there’s little chance you’ll forget them because you keep rehearsing them in your mind, over and over. They may not be accurate memories, but they’re certainly powerful ones.

Meanwhile, anything neutral or good that has happened in your troubled relationship is either forgotten, or (worse) discounted and twisted into a bad memory, ready for the anti-partner file. You are suffering from the Zeigarnik effect. Until you resolve your unfinished business with the other person, you won’t be able to let go of these nasty memories.

But once you do resolve them, something happens that almost feels magical. They slide away. They become distant echoes of a bad time for which no one is responsible…or if someone is to blame, they’ve copped to it really well, so no problem! And you start collecting positive memories again. Bluma Zeigarnik studied and described this effect by working with restaurant servers: if they had taken an order but not turned it in to the kitchen, or if they had served a customer but the customer hadn’t yet paid the bill, they could remember with sharp clarity what the customer ordered. But as soon as the business was transacted—the cook had the order, the customer paid the bill—the servers had no idea what the customer ordered. The now-irrelevant information just slipped away.

Wouldn’t that feel good? If you’re nursing an old wound,* or if someone you love feels wounded by you, it might help to simply sit down, listen non-defensively to one another, and resolve the problem. After that, may not even remember what all the fuss was about!

*I need to say that some wounds run very, very deep, so this concept is not a suitable replacement for long-term relationship therapy or individual therapy when a person has been seriously harmed, abused, or betrayed. The problems I’m referring to here are in the category of everyday slights and injuries. And, I’ll also say—since it’s what I do for a living, after all—that working through small problems is also easier when you’re seeing a counselor!

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I came back from the kitchenette with a small bucket of ice cubes. “Here,” I said to the client. “Just hold onto a few of these.” The client took three ice cubes from the bucket and began to hold them. Almost magically, the anxiety symptoms began to diminish. The client looked at me, eye to eye, and smiled. Ice was the answer.

Why? Because we experience our emotions in our bodies. That means we can regulate our emotions by making a change in our bodies, particularly a change of temperature. A writer I know will take a shower or bath when she feels stuck, and she emerges from the water with a new insight. I don’t use ice to calm myself down, but only because I prefer washing my hands and face with very hot water and soap. Another method: fill a shallow bowl with ice water and hold your face in the water for up to 30 seconds. Our bodies can’t stay anxious if they’re being asked to focus on a powerful physiological experience. Holding ice can be painful (as can the hot water), and sometimes it’s the pain that breaks the “spell” of anxiety. Other times it’s just the slight shock of coming into contact with warm or cool water.

So the next time you’re feeling stressed—and particularly if you’re having an intense experience of anxiety—try using ice or cold water to literally chill out!

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Product clouds look like this. They’re simply a list of things or products, organized in the rough shape of a cloud. The font size of each object in the cloud depends on the popularity or importance of the object. A product cloud of 2008 presidential candidates, for example, would have ‘Obama’ and ‘McCain’ in large font sizes (Obama would be somewhat larger than McCain), and ‘Kucinich’ much smaller. ‘Clinton’ would be nearly as large as McCain. You get the idea. And for a non-journaling person like me, this is a great way to get things off my mind and onto paper.

Normally, if I can just get all the things on my mind disgorged onto a notepad, I can think, feel, and act with clarity. I don’t need to reflect at length on my life, or my career, or my relationships. I just need to clear out all the little things going on in my head. Here’s an example of a cloud I wrote this morning (click on the image for a larger view):

You can see, then, that laundry just needs to happen tonight, and that I’ll be doing something about my checkbook and paperwork today, even if I don’t make it to the grocery store. After doing this cloud, I felt a lot more organized, and the “sluggish Monday feeling” was almost gone. (Almost. It’s still a little early in the day.)

Oh, and here’s one more rule about this journaling technique: you are free to do it whenever you like. You don’t have to do it daily, or at all. If the spirit moves you, give it a try. I say this because a lot of my clients are like I used to be: they think they’re “supposed to” do these kinds of self-help things, and the “supposed-to” obligation short-circuits the whole thing, making it just another task, another product in the cloud. Give it a try if you like, or…don’t! Either way, I wish you a non-sluggish Monday.

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