Every year or so I repost this technique. Here’s the last posting, from 2008. It’s a simple way to communicate with your partner (or friend, or colleague, or parent, or pretty much anyone) and work through a tough emotional situation. In the 2008 post I listed three steps, but actually there are four, as follows:

1. Describe the situation you’re concerned about. This is the “Just-the-facts-Ma’am” step. You simply describe what happened, what you observed. For example, you tell your partner, “You came in the door, walked past me, and went into the kitchen without saying anything to me.” Be careful to stick to the facts: all of the information in this step is the kind of information that a video camera would pick up.

2. Describe your feelings, and stick to feeling words like ‘frustrated,’ ‘worried,’ ‘sad,’ or ‘upset.’ If you catch yourself saying sentences that begin with “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” you’re not expressing feelings. You’re expressing thoughts. “I feel like you don’t respect me” is a thought—a belief—but not a feeling.

3. Now it’s okay to describe your thoughts, your judgments, your story about what happened. Continuing with the above example, you would say, “When you walked past me without saying anything, I thought it meant that you were mad at me.” Your belief that your partner was mad at you led to the feeling you described in #2.

4. Finally, state your request. “I’d like to check this out with you, and if you are mad at me, I’d like to work through it with you.”

The value of this technique is that it keeps you in full ownership of your thoughts and feelings, which allows your partner to respond less defensively. It’s not your partner’s fault that you thought he was mad at you. Right or wrong, that’s your story. Using this technique, you’re letting your partner know that you’re open to the possibility that he’s not mad at you, and you’re inviting him into a conversation with you about your story. This is much more effective than simply accusing your partner of being mad at you without taking the time to take ownership of your own reactions and conclusions.

Often, when people say they have communication problems, this is the kind of thing they’re not doing. Give it a try, use your own language and turns of phrase, and be patient with yourself as you work on improving your ability to relate effectively to others.

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I recently read a great article that talks about the psychological idea that a single human being’s mind is made up of multiple ‘selves,’ and that one of these selves–the Self with a capital S, if you want to say it that way–is the Person herself, the executive, the one who stands within the person’s core essence. This Self is reflective, thoughtful, and insightful about her life experiences. This is the Self that eats right and exercises, gets her work done before playing, and pays attention to the relationships and activities of her life that are the most nourishing and life-giving for her. Except during the times when one of the lesser selves is running things.

Her Self may be in charge, let’s say, when she eats right all day. But when she comes home, feeling exhausted and frazzled, one of her lesser selves reaches for snack food, or too much wine. Then, in the morning, her Self is back in charge, and feeling frustrated. “Why did I overeat last night?!” she wonders with exasperation. Except she didn’t overeat…or at least She didn’t. It was one of her lesser selves that took over.

The article I linked to above talks about ways people can use ‘self-binding’ techniques to gain control over the lesser selves. There are several examples that probably sound familiar to you: using a buddy system when you go out so that you don’t binge-drink; identifying triggers of unwanted behavior and making a plan to respond to them; or creative ideas like giving your lesser self false information so that she can’t betray you later on (such as setting your clocks ahead ten minutes so that your chronically-late lesser self can’t make You late).

But here’s a fun one. Our friend above–the one who overeats in the evening–would go online and set up a contract with herself to eat right and reach a weight-loss goal. And here’s the interesting twist: she would commit to giving money to a charity she despises if she fails to meet her goal. If she doesn’t lose a pound a week, she gives $20 to the NRA.

I wonder if it seems odd for a nice, kind therapist like me to like this! It seems negative, and maybe weird. And maybe it is. But I think it’s also quite creative and insightful: her best Self would never, ever give money to the loathsome NRA. Not even her lesser selves would do that. But her lesser selves betray her best interests in all kinds of other ways, and this is a way to say to them, “Your needs and wishes are not my needs and wishes. You do not live how I want to live. And I’m willing to put money where my mouth is.” It’s a powerful way to take command of one’s life, particularly if you approach it creatively, with positive energy and a thoughtful attitude.

Oh–and here’s a link to a website that talks about this in a different–and much more nuanced–way. This approach–Internal Family Systems therapy, by Richard Schwartz–has helped a great many people. Dr. Schwartz is trained (like me) in systems therapy, and I’d be happy to talk with you about his approach.

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It’s immodest to say this, but hey, it doesn’t happen that often–I’ve been included in a book about kids called “Transforming the Difficult Child: True Stories of Triumph” (link below). I studied with one of the authors, Howard Glasser, who has a wonderful approach to working with kids in classrooms and at home.

I submitted a story about a young client I had a few years ago who helped his mom figure out how to give him timeouts in an effective way. She’d see him break a rule and say, “Pause!” and he would freeze. Then, after a few seconds, she’d say, “Play!” and the timeout was over. That’s right–timeouts can last a few seconds. They don’t have to be “one year for every year of your age,” as the old rule goes. (Who thought of that rule? No one seems to know.) The “pause/play” wording that was the five-year-old child’s idea, so not only did it work, it rewarded him for being creative.

I worked with young children–and not-so-young children–for many years, and I’ve found that many of the ideas that work for them are also useful for couples. It’s not that adults in relationships are acting just like little kids–okay, sometimes it’s like that. But the true similarity is this: most of the time, when kids are acting out, they are just not getting what they need, and it’s not “attention.” It’s love, nurturing, boundaries, clear rules, a world that makes sense and has a lot of strength and companionship and kindness in it.

These sound like the basic needs of adult couples! Here’s the book:

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It’s common to think, “We just need to communicate better.” Or, “We should just talk it out. We never talk about our problems.” But sometimes that’s not the solution. I posted earlier this year on the idea that sometimes it’s better to just give your partner a little space and time to wrestle with stuff. You may feel wronged or hurt or angry about something, or you may feel you have the answer your partner needs, but the better choice is to let your partner take care of it.

Well now I have a little more backup on this idea! Barbara Graham, on Oprah’s Web site, offers a how-to called “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.” This is good news for those who aren’t all that great at verbal communication, but also for those who are very good at it and don’t realize that there are other ways to connect powerfully with your partner. Check it out!

Note: the Graham article is geared toward heterosexual couples, but the concepts apply to all couples. Don’t worry if you’re both women, or you’re both men…non-verbal communication works for everybody.

(And h/t to my webmaster, who found this article.)

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I’ve blogged before on the Drama Triangle, but I think I need to say more about it.

First, a brief review: the Drama Triangle has three roles: Victim, Offender, and Rescuer. None of them is pretty. If you’re the Victim, you are feeling (and acting) weak, oppressed. You’re the “hurt party.” That means whatever strengths you have are being suppressed or hidden, and whatever responsibility you have for your own suffering is being denied, by you or by others. If you’re the Offender, you’re the one everyone thinks is responsible for the Victim’s pain. You’re probably behaving in offensive ways, and you’re responsible for that, but the system is also responsible for moving around you in such a way that you’re the Bad Guy. If you’re the Rescuer, well, that sounds like a nice role, but in fact you’re probably not helping anyone very much. You’re probably reinforcing the Victim’s belief that s/he is a Victim (which, when you think about it, is not a nice way to treat a person), and you may be the first of the three to see yourself shift roles, going from Rescuer to Offender (when you go after the Offender on the Victim’s behalf), or going from Rescuer to Victim as you get trapped in melodramatic confrontations with everybody else.

Like I said, it’s not pretty.

What’s the solution? Well, first of all, you should know that it’s common to find yourself somewhere on the Drama Triangle. I myself was on the Triangle this past weekend (don’t ask!). So if you find yourself getting sucked into the drama, it doesn’t mean you’re mentally ill. It just means you have human relationships going on in your life.

The solution is to practice stepping off the Triangle. Practice, practice, practice! Consider some of these non-drama behaviors:

–Someone tries to get you to be the Rescuer, telling you all about how he was harmed and enlisting your help to get back at the Offender. You express empathy, but you also (hard as it might be) decline to play the Rescuer role and just clearly state what you can do–and not do–for your friend.

–Someone tries to get you to be the Victim, telling you that you’ve been harmed, you’ve been wronged, and it’s time to get back at that Offender! To avoid becoming a Victim, you might want to take time by yourself–or with a friend, or with a counselor–to decide what your best course of action might be. Try not to act on your feelings without taking time to inform your feelings with reasonable thought and reflection. At some point you may want to tell the person that you’re fine, actually, and capable of handling the situation. You appreciate their concern, but you want to deal with this yourself.

–Someone harms you, verbally or otherwise, and becoming a Victim is a tempting option for you. In this case, you may need to seek justice or resolution of the offense, but it’s also good to notice how your own reaction to the offense may only make things worse for yourself. You may have been harmed, but you were not destroyed by what happened. You still have tools, options, and strengths. You still have You!

–You have been the Offender in some way. You have harmed someone. And they are taking a Victim stance, or you’re finding yourself dealing with Rescuers that the Victim enlisted to go after you. You choose to be honest about what you did, but you also set boundaries with the Rescuers (“This is between me and the other person…”) and you figure out how you want to interact with the Victim in a way that holds yourself accountable for your actions but does not lead to a situation in which you are perpetually treated as an Offender. For example, you may want to genuinely apologize to the Victim, and seek reconciliation, but if the Victim is unwilling to let go of the Victim role and work with you on reconciliation, you may choose to end the relationship.

As I’m sure you know, this gets a lot harder when the people involved are really close to you, or really important to you. The important thing to remember is this: The Drama Triangle is easy to get into, and sometimes a lot of fun (?!), but it diminishes everyone who’s involved in it, and causes a lot of pain. Even if no one thanks you for not being in it (and they usually won’t!), it’s worth it to practice stepping outside of the Triangle–for your sake, and for the sake of everyone around you.

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Recently I posted a pretty good rationale for not cleaning my basement on my day off. It was a light way to describe the concept of “Radical Acceptance.” Well, let’s say that today is the day to clean that basement, that you can’t stand it anymore, it has to get done, and you’ve decided to do it now. Good for you! I found a book (click icon below to purchase) that describes a four-step way to make this project something more, something that helps you grow and change in your life.

(True confession: I found it while reading O Magazine at the health club. A guilty pleasure!)

The “SHED” process involves four steps:
1. Separate the treasures. Look through your stuff and keep things you truly want and need, or things that have deep meaning for you.
2. Heave the trash. The rest of it is out of here! Personal note: my dad is really good at this step. I remember him saying things like, “Does it work? No? Throw it out!” or “Do we use it? No? Throw it out!” This was a good thing, because my dad had a lot of kids.
3. Embrace your identity. In this step, the author, Julie Morgenstern, encourages you to discern your present and future goals, dreams, hopes, and so forth, and to look at your “shedding” process as part of a larger effort to be your best self, and live your daily life by drawing upon the best in yourself.
4. Drive yourself forward. In this step, you become more active and directive in your re-engagement with life. You pursue the goals and dreams you discerned while shedding not just the old stuff in your basement, but also the old habits, ways of scheduling your time, and other default assumptions and behaviors you have about yourself and your life.

So if you’re looking for a step-by-step way to change your life, not just your basement, you might want to give Morgenstern’s book a try!

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Lately I’ve been reviewing the work of John Gottman, a well-known psychotherapist, researcher, and scholar who has devoted his career to helping couples. The Gottman Institute offers great workshops for couples, and Dr. Gottman has published several books on marriage, interpersonal problems, couples with children, you name it.

Here’s a link to a great page on the Gottman Institute’s Web site. It offers several basic tips for couples, and a few surprises. For example, one of the tips is, “Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.” This flies in the face of a common assumption: that if we just express everything that’s on our minds, we’ll be a healthier couple. Not so! I like Gottman’s work because he models it on his extensive observation of healthy couples, couples he calls “masters of marriage.” Gottman has found that these healthy couples usually don’t sound like they’re amped up on self-help books. They’ve figured out how to relate authentically with one another, dealing with both positive and negative emotions. But they’ve also learned that, well, I’ll say it this way: they’ve learned that discretion is often the better part of happiness!

Check out Gottman’s work. It’s a great way to learn how to improve your relationship!

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I posted on this late last year, but it keeps coming up in my work with clients, so I think it’s worth posting again. How do you really clear the air in your relationships? How do you talk to others in a healthy way, particularly when tempers are short?

This technique was developed by Gaelen Billingsley, another great therapist in Seattle. (I suppose someone might say it will hurt my business if I recommend someone else who does what I do, but hey, that’s how good she is!). It’s a method in which you state clearly three basic things:

1. Your feelings. Keep them simple, and take full ownership of them. I feel mad. I feel upset. I feel scared. I feel nervous. I feel frustrated. If you’re saying, “I feel like you don’t respect me,” that’s not a feeling. It’s a thought, a judgment, an assumption. Usually the word “like” is a clue that you’re expressing a thought, not a feeling.

2. Your thoughts. Again, take full ownership. “I think you don’t respect me because you said something I thought was insulting.” Did you notice that statement contains two thoughts? You think he doesn’t respect you, and you think so because he said something you thought was insulting. It helps to sort out your thoughts from your feelings because otherwise, how can the other person really respond to your problem? If you’re lost in your feelings and convinced the other person harmed you, you’re not in a position to listen to the other person’s perspective, let alone reconcile.

3. State clearly your request. “I just want you to hear me out. That’s all.” Or, “I want to know what you were really thinking about me when you said that.” “I would like us to talk this out. Can you help me?”

Finally, think about this: the other person may not honor your request. She might not want to talk. He might not want to tell you what he was really thinking. That’s disappointing, but it’s the other person’s right to respond in whatever way they choose. Thank them anyway for giving you time to state clearly your feelings and thoughts. And keep practicing this technique. It’s not a once-in-a-lifetime thing to do. It’s a new way of relating.

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So, it’s your fault. You did something, and you regret it. Maybe it was relatively small: you said something really insulting to your partner. Or you were acting out at work and made a fool of yourself. Maybe it was big: you had an affair. You seriously harmed someone emotionally. You behaved badly. So, now what?

Not every problem in life can be solved by following a step-by-step plan, but sometimes it does help to take things in order, one thing at a time. Here’s a way to work through your big mistake, make sense of it, and make amends. Whether or not you’re able to restore your relationship with another person, you can at least make peace with yourself. So here goes:

1. Face up to what you did. Take out a pad of paper if you like, but find a way to really acknowledge to yourself what happened. “I stepped out on my partner. I knew better, but I did it.” Or, “I said something hurtful. I didn’t mean it, but that doesn’t matter. I hurt my friend, and it’s my fault.” At this stage, don’t express remorse, just get the facts straight. What did you do? What happened when you did it? Fess up to yourself.

2. Get in touch with your own feelings about what you did. Now’s the time for remorse, if you feel it. Remember that feelings are usually simple things: they fall into four basic categories–mad, sad, glad, afraid. If you find yourself saying, “I feel like I let her down,” that’s not a feeling. It’s a thought, an assumption, a judgment. “I feel lousy because I let her down”–that’s better. “Lousy” is the feeling. And what’s under “lousy?” Feelings like guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, frustrated, sad, remorseful, and so on. One more thing about feelings: realize that you’re not an angel. You’re human, so some of your feelings won’t be P.C. “I also feel mad,” you might say to yourself. “Yeah, I screwed up. Big time. But I’m still mad at him about what he did.” That’s just another feeling. It doesn’t hurt to get it out there. Notice it. Jot it down. Reflect on it.

3. Think about the reasons–not excuses, but reasons–why you did what you did. A reason is not an excuse, not a cause for pardon. It’s just a reason. You had a tough childhood, so that’s why you did it? Okay. That’s a reason, but it’s not an excuse. Thinking about the reasons for your behavior is a good thing to do, but not because it “gets you off the hook.” It’s a good thing to do because it helps you get past your own unproductive guilt, or your own unproductive defensiveness. You’re not absolving yourself. You’re just getting some perspective on the circumstances that led to your unfortunate behavior. “I cheated on my partner,” you might say, “because I’ve never had a stable relationship and I got scared. I wasn’t thinking… Maybe I stepped out because I wanted to go first, I was so convinced that he would hurt me.” Again, that’s not an excuse. It’s just a little bit of perspective about your thoughts and actions.

4. Decide what you’re going to do next. This step could look like a lot of different things. It could be any of the following, or something else entirely:
–Apologize, but make it good. Truly apologize for what you did. State clearly to the other person what specifically you regret, and let the other person know that you understand that they feel whatever it is they feel about it. Don’t ask them for anything. Just offer the apology, offer it sincerely, and leave it at that. Let the next step be theirs.
–Resolve to do better. You might have lost the relationship at this point, or perhaps the other person just doesn’t want to deal with it, or talk with you about it. Draw whatever lesson you can from what happened and move forward. Notice when you’re slipping back into useless guilt trips, or useless defensiveness. Notice it, then lead yourself back to your current life.
–Forgive yourself for what you’ve done. This might be the hardest part, at least for some of us. Remember that you are a flawed, fallible human being. You can learn from your mistakes, but you can’t avoid them. This kind of self-forgiveness is not cheap. It takes time–time you spend with yourself, reflecting soberly on what happened, and what’s next for you. But it’s the healthiest way for you to use this difficult time to learn about yourself and, well, grow up a little bit!

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Do you feel caught in an endless loop of fighting with your partner? Is it hard to get out of it once it’s started? You’re probably right about a lot of things that make you mad. But then—and just stay with me here for a minute!—so is your partner. When two people are arguing, most of the time they are both right about something, even if one of them is only 0.01% right!

Let’s assume it’s your partner who is right only 0.01% of the time. (I’m guessing you’re OK with that!) If you’re fighting, consider this: tell your partner that he/she is right about that one little tiny thing. Your partner says, “You didn’t support me last night when I was telling you about my bad day!” You could say, “You’re right. I wasn’t supportive the whole time we were talking. I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.” Then you could just stop talking, and let your partner take in the fact that you didn’t defend yourself. You acknowledged the 0.01% thing that your partner was right about. (Maybe you were supportive 99.99% of the time, but you just chose not to point that out!)

Your partner is stuck now. How can I respond when someone agrees with me? Attack again? Most people won’t attack again, at least not right away. Agreeing with your partner—just a little bit—can open a moment of silence in the middle of a fight. It could get you talking again, but this time without shouting.

Therapist and author David Burns came up with this technique. He calls it the “disarming technique.” It can be a simple way to change the way you communicate in your relationship. It could stop the fighting. (Just be sure that you’re agreeing with something that’s true! Be authentic!)

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