Clear the air: a simple technique
Every year or so I repost this technique. Here’s the last posting, from 2008. It’s a simple way to communicate with your partner (or friend, or colleague, or parent, or pretty much anyone) and work through a tough emotional situation. In the 2008 post I listed three steps, but actually there are four, as follows:
1. Describe the situation you’re concerned about. This is the “Just-the-facts-Ma’am” step. You simply describe what happened, what you observed. For example, you tell your partner, “You came in the door, walked past me, and went into the kitchen without saying anything to me.” Be careful to stick to the facts: all of the information in this step is the kind of information that a video camera would pick up.
2. Describe your feelings, and stick to feeling words like ‘frustrated,’ ‘worried,’ ‘sad,’ or ‘upset.’ If you catch yourself saying sentences that begin with “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” you’re not expressing feelings. You’re expressing thoughts. “I feel like you don’t respect me” is a thought—a belief—but not a feeling.
3. Now it’s okay to describe your thoughts, your judgments, your story about what happened. Continuing with the above example, you would say, “When you walked past me without saying anything, I thought it meant that you were mad at me.” Your belief that your partner was mad at you led to the feeling you described in #2.
4. Finally, state your request. “I’d like to check this out with you, and if you are mad at me, I’d like to work through it with you.”
The value of this technique is that it keeps you in full ownership of your thoughts and feelings, which allows your partner to respond less defensively. It’s not your partner’s fault that you thought he was mad at you. Right or wrong, that’s your story. Using this technique, you’re letting your partner know that you’re open to the possibility that he’s not mad at you, and you’re inviting him into a conversation with you about your story. This is much more effective than simply accusing your partner of being mad at you without taking the time to take ownership of your own reactions and conclusions.
Often, when people say they have communication problems, this is the kind of thing they’re not doing. Give it a try, use your own language and turns of phrase, and be patient with yourself as you work on improving your ability to relate effectively to others.
