Counseling dictionary: “Integrity”
What does “integrity” mean? Is it a thing, something you can have–and not have? Is it a personal quality that you receive, whether genetically, by your upbringing, or by some other virtuous way?
For me, integrity is a noun, but it’s not a thing you have or don’t have. It’s a process, an activity, a way of being. That means you don’t have integrity, you practice it. And you don’t not have integrity, you’re currently not practicing it.
Think back to the last time you were in a situation where you did not “have” integrity. Maybe you fought in public with your spouse–and fought pretty dirty–or maybe you went out drinking and humiliated yourself, or maybe you cheated or lied about something. If you feel shame about what you did, that’s a healthy feeling. But soon you’ll need to begin letting go of shame and take the next step, which is taking up the practice of integrity once again. To “have” integrity really means to hold yourself together, or to integrate yourself. You have passions, you have normal human emotions, you have thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, values, and judgments. Practicing integrity does not mean being utterly calm. It does not mean squelching anger. It just means you’re paying attention to all that’s going on inside you–from your emotional reaction about something that just happened all the way down to the depth of your deepest beliefs and values. And you’re not just paying attention to all of this–you’re holding it all together.
There are two ways this definition of integrity is useful: first, it allows you to practice integrity, rather than resentfully sulk about how you don’t “have” it, or let yourself off the hook because no one thinks you “have” it, so why even try? Seeing it as a practice, a way of being, allows you to grow into it. It allows you to begin living a life of integrity. And it allows you to return to it when you have fallen.
Second, this definition pushes you to look with deeper understanding and compassion on others who are having trouble practicing integrity. It’s not that they don’t “have” it. It’s just that right now they are dis-integrated. In short, this definition offers hope. Integrity is not a thing the way a baseball bat is a thing. Integrity is a Way. Sometimes we step off that way, into the wilderness of disintegration. But there’s always hope that even today, we can come back.
