Doing, Feeling, Relating
So. I admit it. I like and admire a celebrity lots of people love to hate. She’s smart, hard-working, creative, and best of all, I’ve never had to work for her (I believe some of the horror stories). That’s right, I like Martha Stewart. My house doesn’t look anything like hers (though it’s a warm and fairly organized home), and I’ll bet I’d be much nicer to my employees, if I ever had any. But I like her. Or at least I respect her.
Today I laughed when I saw she’s having a contest called “Doer of the Week.” She’s been profiling women in business and inviting her readers to vote on which woman is the best “Doer,” as in “person who does something.”
It made me wonder if, since I’m a therapist, I should have contests for Relater of the Week and Feeler of the Week. I buy into the Enneagram idea that there are three kinds of people in the world–or to say it more accurately, three preferences that people can choose from: doing, feeling, and relating. Doers are, to put it simply, all you Martha Stewarts out there. You find deepest satisfaction when you’re engaging successfully in tasks and activities.
Feelers often get a bad rap in our culture. Feelers are at their best when they’re tuning in to the emotional currents of a social situation, or contemplating the mystery of human suffering, or connecting with a friend or partner with empathy and understanding.
Relaters are (I’m sure you’ve guessed by now) people who feel most alive when they’re interacting with others, making social connections, joining others to solve a problem or celebrate a victory. If there’s a relater on your work team, she’ll tell you, “It’s the relationships, stupid.”
I’m a firm believer that all three preferences are equally valuable, and all three are necessary. So if you don’t like Martha Stewart because she only pays attention to Doers, be encouraged: Feelers and Relaters matter too!
(Oh, and if you and your partner have different preferences, that might be a big clue about the troubles you’re having!)
