Don’t be a fundamentalist
I don’t like fundamentalists, and I suppose that’s no surprise since I live and work in Seattle. But it’s not just religious fundamentalists who turn me off. I don’t like fundamentalists on the political right who harrass moderates and refuse to work seriously on the problems ordinary people face. And I also don’t like fundamentalists on the political left who insist on their own perfect health-reform bill (for example) and reject any compromise.
I also dislike fundamentalists in the world of emotional health, relationships, and therapy. Here’s what I mean:
—If you have trouble sticking up for yourself and asserting for what you want, I want to challenge you to get better at that. But you don’t have to be assertive 100% of the time. Sometimes (in my book) it’s perfectly fine for you to expect the other person to come to you.
—If you have trouble managing your emotions by yourself, or holding onto yourself when you’re upset or in conflict with your partner, I want to challenge you to get better at that. But then there are times when it’s perfectly fine to sob in your partner’s arms…and be upset when your partner isn’t there for you!
—If you have problems controlling your anger, and your anger is preventing you from being emotionally close to others (or causing other problems in your life), I want to challenge you to get better at working with your anger. But then there are times when you blow your stack, and you know what? That’s okay. Sometimes the universe can just deal with your tantrum!
What I’m trying to say here is that even though it’s up to us to work on our issues, get better at handling our emotions, and improve our ability to choose the lives we want to live, sometimes we just come unglued, or have a bad hair day, and that’s okay. Too often I’ve worked with clients who try to be purists—or fundamentalists—about their personal growth. And sometimes (alas) I can come across as a therapist who expects you to be 100% successful at your goals. Let’s avoid that trap. If you lose your cool, okay, so you lost your cool. If you just need a shoulder to cry on, then by all means find one and lean in. There will always be ways for you to return to your goals and personal growth!
