I think we’re hard-wired to be defensive. I would call it a survival skill, a relic from our evolutionary past. I need to preserve and protect myself if I want to survive long enough to procreate, and that means having strong defenses. I need to protect my resources, my shelter, my offspring…and (as human evolution creates complicated social dynamics) my reputation and self-esteem. If you’re mad at me because you think I slighted you, or was being selfish, or ate your Froot Loops, well, that’s not how I see it! So, naturally, I get defensive.

But we’re not done evolving, we humans. To listen non-defensively is another step in human development. It’s a major element of emotional maturity, and emotional maturity is a highly adaptive quality in a human being. You think I slighted you, and you know what? I can see why you think that. I was certainly not at my best when I came home last night. You think I was being selfish? Well, I think it’s true that I’ve been caught up in my own things lately. Why don’t I hit the store for more Froot Loops and we can talk more about it?

You don’t have to agree with your partner 100% when you’re practicing non-defensive listening. You don’t even have to agree 5% of the time. Your partner may be way, way off, accusing you unjustly of something you didn’t do, or think, or feel. But that’s your partner’s reality right now. It’s really helpful to hear her reality as her reality, and let her know that you understand what she’s saying. You may not agree, but you are open and available. You are listening non-defensively. And that creates an opportunity—and a motive—for your partner to listen to your reality. This is very hard! But it can transform your relationship.

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Think about a relationship you’ve had that has gone sour. This usually happens over time: you and your partner (or friend, or mother, any relationship) have little interactions over a span of months (or even years) in which you feel slighted, misunderstood, maybe even mistreated. And then you discover that you’ve been collecting these grievances and keeping them in a little bitter file in your mind, your anti-partner file, if you want to call it that. Your memory of these events may be distorted, but there’s little chance you’ll forget them because you keep rehearsing them in your mind, over and over. They may not be accurate memories, but they’re certainly powerful ones.

Meanwhile, anything neutral or good that has happened in your troubled relationship is either forgotten, or (worse) discounted and twisted into a bad memory, ready for the anti-partner file. You are suffering from the Zeigarnik effect. Until you resolve your unfinished business with the other person, you won’t be able to let go of these nasty memories.

But once you do resolve them, something happens that almost feels magical. They slide away. They become distant echoes of a bad time for which no one is responsible…or if someone is to blame, they’ve copped to it really well, so no problem! And you start collecting positive memories again. Bluma Zeigarnik studied and described this effect by working with restaurant servers: if they had taken an order but not turned it in to the kitchen, or if they had served a customer but the customer hadn’t yet paid the bill, they could remember with sharp clarity what the customer ordered. But as soon as the business was transacted—the cook had the order, the customer paid the bill—the servers had no idea what the customer ordered. The now-irrelevant information just slipped away.

Wouldn’t that feel good? If you’re nursing an old wound,* or if someone you love feels wounded by you, it might help to simply sit down, listen non-defensively to one another, and resolve the problem. After that, may not even remember what all the fuss was about!

*I need to say that some wounds run very, very deep, so this concept is not a suitable replacement for long-term relationship therapy or individual therapy when a person has been seriously harmed, abused, or betrayed. The problems I’m referring to here are in the category of everyday slights and injuries. And, I’ll also say—since it’s what I do for a living, after all—that working through small problems is also easier when you’re seeing a counselor!

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One of the things I decided to do to mark this event was to follow my own advice and write a letter to my older self, specifically, my 50-year-old self. I wrote it in longhand, just to be certain that it won’t find its way into cyberspace. (Some things need to be between me and myself…or is it myselves?) But I can tell you it was a not-too-long message of greeting and reflection for the enjoyment of the person I will be ten years from now. I told him what I haven’t yet accomplished for us, what I am proud to have gotten done, and some of my hopes for him. And I shared with him my compassion for our 30-year-old self, who (as I noted above) was in much worse shape than I hope either of us will be.

This is more than a silly, self-obsessed thing to do. It really is a healthy way to get in touch with oneself. Who am I? Who was I? Who do I want to become? I often encourage clients to do this exercise if they’re feeling apprehensive or anxious about their future, or if they’re feeling regret about their past. Can you speak with wisdom and affection to your older self, and (this might be much harder) your younger self? Thinking of yourself this way—in the third person—can free you to live more comfortably in your own skin, as you, like our home planet, move into the future, year by year.

Oh, and I asked the 50-year-old me to write back and tell me everything!

My five-year-old self.

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“Stephen, thank you for working with me. I have enjoyed getting to know you, and talking with you. It may not have seemed like it at times, but I found our work together helpful. I’m not good at expressing myself, and I need time to mull things over before they sink in, so I wanted to let you know that I always left your office with challenging, comforting, enlightening thoughts to think. You wrote on your blog recently that therapy should be more like massage than CPR, and I agree. Leaving your office felt more like leaving a massage appointment: I felt a little exposed, and my (mental and emotional) muscles were a little sore, and it wasn’t until some later situation in which I had a chance to use those muscles that I truly appreciated the work we had done. It has made a difference to me and you have my gratitude. Thank you.”

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I came back from the kitchenette with a small bucket of ice cubes. “Here,” I said to the client. “Just hold onto a few of these.” The client took three ice cubes from the bucket and began to hold them. Almost magically, the anxiety symptoms began to diminish. The client looked at me, eye to eye, and smiled. Ice was the answer.

Why? Because we experience our emotions in our bodies. That means we can regulate our emotions by making a change in our bodies, particularly a change of temperature. A writer I know will take a shower or bath when she feels stuck, and she emerges from the water with a new insight. I don’t use ice to calm myself down, but only because I prefer washing my hands and face with very hot water and soap. Another method: fill a shallow bowl with ice water and hold your face in the water for up to 30 seconds. Our bodies can’t stay anxious if they’re being asked to focus on a powerful physiological experience. Holding ice can be painful (as can the hot water), and sometimes it’s the pain that breaks the “spell” of anxiety. Other times it’s just the slight shock of coming into contact with warm or cool water.

So the next time you’re feeling stressed—and particularly if you’re having an intense experience of anxiety—try using ice or cold water to literally chill out!

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If you are covered by another insurer, there may still be a chance that your sessions with me are partially covered. It depends on your specific plan. I’ve worked with a few clients who paid me out of pocket, then filed claims with their insurer and received partial reimbursement. If this is possible in your case, then you would need to do it this way: 1) pay me the fee; 2) then file your claim. I’ve found that if I file the claim as an out-of-network provider, reimbursement doesn’t happen.

The “no” part: couples counseling is not covered by any insurer I know of. This means that even if you have insurance with Uniform, I can’t bill them for couples sessions. If you’re an individual client of mine and we decide to invite your partner in for a session or two, then I would only be able to bill that to insurance if the work we’re doing still focuses on your individual issue. If it’s a true couple problem, then for those few sessions I would ask you to pay out of pocket. To not do so would be, alas, insurance fraud. (I personally think they should cover couples counseling, since I believe it’s helpful and I also think that a person’s relationship has a lot to do with their emotional health and life functioning. But…I don’t make the insurance rules.)

Finally, a recommendation: consider not using your insurance and paying out of pocket. There are several advantages to this:
1) All of your information will be kept confidential. No third-party onlookers will know that you’ve even seen a counselor.
2) I won’t have to diagnose you with a mental disorder. We’ll be able to let your chart reflect who you are, pure and simple. (And even if you have one of the ‘mental disorders,’ like ADD or anxiety, it won’t be a matter of record.) Plus, we’ll have absolute freedom to structure your sessions exactly how we want.
3) In my many years of experience with clients—and as a client myself—I’ve learned that out-of-pocket clients are more invested in their work, tend to get better results, and enjoy the satisfaction of putting their hard-earned money to good use.

It’s up to you. But if those three points sound convincing to you, think about paying out of pocket. And it helps to put it in perspective: therapy is expensive, yes. But how much do you spend per month on your cell phone? Or your cable? Maybe therapy would be money very well spent!

*This sentence was edited from the original content.

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For more on this from my own perspective, see what I said recently about curiosity.

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I don’t have all the chapters worked out, but I’m pretty sure I’ll have a good time with chapter three. C is for courage. I’ve written about this before. It takes courage to pursue the relationship you really want, to take your career in a new direction, to confront yourself—and then your partner—about a problem, or about your deepest wish. It certainly takes courage to draw close emotionally to someone who really matters to you, and who (by virtue of being human) is capable of harming or grieving you.

But I also want C to stand for curiosity. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but the lack of curiosity has killed many relationships. If you have the foresight—and the humility—to try to look at the world through your partner’s eyes, you might be less upset by what’s going on with your partner, and feel more free to take action. I like to say that when a couple is shouting at the top of their lungs, they are expressing zero curiosity about the other. No wonder they’re at each other’s throats. I’ve noticed that in any of the hundreds of friendships, working relationships, and other relationships I’ve had over the years, my own curiosity has opened up a lot of opportunities for growth and intimacy.

And yet, I also want C to stand for creativity! I want to talk about the importance of play in relationships, and playfulness in your thinking and behaving throughout your life. Can you recognize your own absurdity and laugh at yourself? If not, I don’t like your chances for happiness. And the happiest couples I’ve worked with have been the ones who allow for delightful creativity, spontaneity, and playfulness in their relationship…even if there’s also been a lot of hurt feelings and hard times.

Lots of people assume that in Therapyland, C stands for communication. Maybe. But I think the three words above are more of a challenge for most people than communication skills. In any case, chapter three is going to be a snap!

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