One of my favorite films is the wicked (in all the good ways) Dogma, a film that spoofs the Catholic church and organized religion in general. In one scene, a human is talking to an angel, and she’s commenting on how ridiculous the angel’s concerns are. The angel (played by Alan Rickman) responds, “There’s nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.” It’s one of my favorite comments on human sexuality, and supports my belief that if you can laugh (kindly) at your sexual self, you will be much more likely to enjoy great sex.

Most of my clients come to counseling with problems that are dead serious. It’s a big mistake to just minimize those problems and laugh them away. At the same time, it’s also healthy to be aware of your own silliness, your own fallibility, your own absurdity. To illustrate, I’ll present a photo of a creature (in my care) who has no problem looking ridiculous!

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Her Self may be in charge, let’s say, when she eats right all day. But when she comes home, feeling exhausted and frazzled, one of her lesser selves reaches for snack food, or too much wine. Then, in the morning, her Self is back in charge, and feeling frustrated. “Why did I overeat last night?!” she wonders with exasperation. Except she didn’t overeat…or at least She didn’t. It was one of her lesser selves that took over.

The article I linked to above talks about ways people can use ’self-binding’ techniques to gain control over the lesser selves. There are several examples that probably sound familiar to you: using a buddy system when you go out so that you don’t binge-drink; identifying triggers of unwanted behavior and making a plan to respond to them; or creative ideas like giving your lesser self false information so that she can’t betray you later on (such as setting your clocks ahead ten minutes so that your chronically-late lesser self can’t make You late).

But here’s my favorite. I like it so much that I’m going to give it a try. Our friend above–the one who overeats in the evening–would go here and set up a contract with herself to eat right and reach a weight-loss goal. And here’s the best part: she would commit to giving money to a charity she despises if she fails to meet her goal. If she doesn’t lose a pound a week, she gives $20 to the NRA.

I wonder if it seems odd for a nice, kind therapist like me to endorse this! It seems negative, and maybe weird. And maybe it is. But I think it’s also quite creative and insightful: her best Self would never, ever give money to the loathsome NRA. Not even her lesser selves would do that. But her lesser selves betray her best interests in all kinds of other ways, and this is a way to say to them, “Your needs and wishes are not my needs and wishes. You do not live how I want to live. And I’m willing to put money where my mouth is.” It’s a powerful way to take command of one’s life, particularly if you approach it creatively, with positive energy and a thoughtful attitude.

So…I’m going to try it! I’ve set a personal goal (I’ll tell you the specific goal soon: I want to get underway and get some results first) and committed myself to send $20 to the NRA (really, that makes me shudder) if I fail to meet the goal. I’ll keep you posted!

Oh–and here’s a link to a website that talks about this in a different–and much more nuanced–way. This approach–Internal Family Systems therapy, by Richard Schwartz–has helped a great many people. Dr. Schwartz is trained (like me) in systems therapy, and I’d be happy to talk with you about his approach.

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Here’s another one: ‘integrity.’ This is a word that is used by normal people–not just counselors like me. And it usually means what you think it means: to have integrity is to be honorable, trustworthy, reliable, a generally good and honest person. But in Therapyland, I think there’s a second shade of meaning to this word.

In my work with clients, I talk about ‘integrity’ as holding yourself together, or to say it metaphorically, having all your ducks in a row. If you have low integrity, you might be a very honest person–a trustworthy person–but you’re making big mistakes in your relationship, or you’re falling under the weight of an addiction, or you’re having a horrible time working through your grief years after losing someone, or you’re still deeply resentful about a wound or insult you suffered long ago… In all of these examples, the problem is an integration/integrity problem: you haven’t integrated something into your life, or into your self.

For example, I will never “get over” my mother’s death thirteen years ago, if “getting over it” means being totally fine with it and unaware or unconcerned about that loss. But I have integrated it: I am not preoccupied with it to the point where I can’t function, or even (God rest her!) preoccupied with it at all. Sometimes I’m reminded of it and get emotional, but that’s normal–even wonderful. But I’m able to walk on this planet and interact with other human beings without that wound staying open, and bleeding. In this dimension of my life, I have integrity.

Sometimes having ‘low integrity’ is appropriate. When my mother died, I had plenty of ‘low integrity’ in the following weeks and months. That’s supposed to happen. Sometimes we’re supposed to fall apart. But at some point the developmental task we face is to integrate that upsetting event–or that challenging relationship behavior, or that problem we have with substance use–into our life. We’re supposed to get that duck in line with all the others.

How are you working on ‘integrity’ these days?

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I think I am glad the Saints won mostly because I went to New Orleans last year and hold the city in a special place in my heart. And of course I love it whenever underdogs win. I’m not completely okay with this, though, since I’m from Minnesota and the Saints beat the Vikes the other week. But…this is good. Congratulations, New Orleans! You aren’t the Ain’ts anymore.

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This doesn’t always go over well.

For one thing, their partner, child, or co-worker presents some pretty bad behavior. And I don’t deny this. “Yes, he was acting childish,” I might say. “No, she wasn’t being reasonable.” “Yes, that’s inappropriate for someone to say in the workplace.” But then I ask this question: “How is your reaction to what they did problematic?” Maybe you’re getting caught up in the other person’s neuroses because you haven’t yet learned how to cultivate healthy detachment in your relationships. Or maybe you’re reacting to their anger, or their anxiety, in ways that you did when you were much younger…and you’re still struggling to learn how to get some healthy perspective. Or maybe they’re saying or doing something that touches a nerve in you, reminds you of your own neurotic stuff. (You don’t have neurotic stuff? Wow! Cause I do, and everyone I know does!)

I run the risk of sounding like a broken record because, to be honest, I’ve always found it valuable in my own personal work to focus on how my problem is my own, despite the crazy shit going on in the other person (to borrow a technical term).

So if you choose to work with me, I will challenge you in this way. But I can also tell you this: if you confront your problem as your problem, you will be pleasantly surprised by how much better you feel. You really will be a better person.

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The fee for each 55-minute session is $100. I offer one 85-minute session (preferably when we first start working together) at the same price, and after that, 85-minute sessions cost $140 ($10 savings, which I offer because 85-minute sessions tend to be a richer experience for both of us).

You can pay by cash or check at the beginning of your session. I can’t accept credit cards in my office, but I welcome your credit card on my site via PayPal.

If you have insurance coverage, here’s how it works: I am a preferred provider with Uniform Medical Plan, and I can receive partial reimbursements from Group Health Options (note: your plan has to be an Options plan). If you are covered by either Uniform or Group Health Options, you would pay me a co-pay of $10, $20, or $30, depending on your plan, and I would then bill your insurer directly for the remainder of the fee.

If you are not insured by Uniform or GHO, then you would pay me the whole fee up front, and file a claim yourself with your insurer. I can provide a detailed receipt for you to file your claim. I need to follow this policy because the insurance-claim system I use does not reimburse me except when I file claims with Uniform and GHO. In my experience with clients, if they have out-of-network-provider coverage, filing claims on their own has been successful.

If you have any questions about these policies, please ask, and I hope this helps you as you discern whether you want to make this investment in your health and relationships. Thanks!

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But acceptance is often useful, and sometimes essential. If I lost my leg in an accident, I would have to go through the difficult process of acceptance to make sense of my loss and move forward with my life. If I got dumped or suffered some other kind of painful relationship loss, I would have to accept what happened so that I wouldn’t be imprisoned by my own resentment and anger.

To illustrate this, I will use a silly example. (Why? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because it’s Friday, and I haven’t blogged about my dogs in a while.) Our younger dog, Hoku’ala, turned nine months old this week. In three months, he’ll be a yearling who presents far fewer behavioral challenges. In about fifteen months, he’ll truly be a full-grown adult dog. But right now, he’s a chew-chew train. He ripped holes in three pieces of our living room furniture, which have now been moved to a back bedroom. We’re sitting on IKEA furniture that looks like it belongs in a college dorm room, and hoping that by summer we’ll be able to return our living room to its normal condition.

When I first noticed the damage, I had to do some self-soothing (to use a Therapyland term). It won’t be cheap to fix this! Of course we didn’t punish Hoku, because it wasn’t his fault. He’s a dog. He behaves according to his nature. It was our fault for leaving him unsupervised with our furniture. But I felt frustrated. And I worried: my partner isn’t any more of a fan of expensive furniture damage than I am. I imagined that there would be a lot more anger and difficulty when he got home.

But I was wrong. “It’ll be fine,” my partner said. As we moved the furniture out of harm’s way, we talked about how we’ll eventually take it in for repairs, and when we might be able to put the main floor back together again. I was surprised: I thought I would be the calm one!

Like I said, this is a silly example. But it’s a good illustration of the power of acceptance. If you’re upset or frustrated about the consequences of a decision you made, or the outcome of a relationship you cultivated in your life, it helps to take a deep breath and remember that you made a lot of choices in your life that carried some amount of risk, and sometimes things don’t go as planned. Sometimes the furniture gets chewed up, or your feelings get hurt, or a painful lesson is learned. It doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. (Honest, I love Hoku and don’t regret his membership in our family for one minute!) It just means that life is messy, and sometimes painful, and doing the work of acceptance is just a part of the adventure.

Stella (left) and the Chew-Chew Train.

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I was thinking this morning that if I were in a different place in my life, I would seriously consider going down there to help. But that wouldn’t be the best thing to do. Here’s what I recommend you (and I) do to respond to this tragedy:

1. If you can do only one thing, do this: contribute cash to an organization that is already on the ground. Go here or here to get started. Sometimes I hear people criticizing others for “just writing checks” to respond to human crises, but that criticism is misplaced. Checks help. A lot.

2. Redouble your efforts here at home. The human suffering in Haiti is heart-wrenching to see, and it’s easy to forget how much human suffering is occurring within your own community. It would be a very human (or, humane) response to this disaster to use it as a motivator for your own local contributions of time, energy, and treasure. I do volunteer work at a day-labor agency in Seattle, and today, one of the reasons I do that is Haiti.

3. If you are a medical professional, you might be able to go to Haiti now and make a difference. Click here for more information. If you’re not a medical professional, go to New Orleans. (That’s not a typo!) If you’re in a place in your life that allows for a more radical response, a drop-everything-and-go response, I recommend you go to a disaster site that is better prepared to receive you and get you to work right away. Haiti is in chaos; they’ve only recently secured their airport (with your government’s help), so if non-medical helpers aren’t already on site, they may not be able to make a difference in this early stage of response. But If you flew to New Orleans and found a place to stay, they’d have you hanging sheetrock in the Lower Ninth in just a couple of days!

4. Finally, whatever you do, hold the people of Haiti—and all the people on earth who suffer—in your mind and heart today, and in the coming weeks and months (okay, years). If you’re so inclined, hold them in your prayers. The person who most benefits from this activity might be you yourself, but that’s okay—you’re human, too. You’re able to suffer, and you have suffered. Your openness to the suffering of others makes you more human, and can transform your life. You can be a part of the recovery just by being emotionally present to the people of Haiti.

Photo was found here.

This post was edited with updated information about how medical professionals can go to Haiti now.

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