Feeling words
You’ve heard the made-for-TV therapy question a thousand times, right? Here it is: “How does that make you feel?” This is not a question I ask in my counseling sessions. First of all, it’s such a cliche that I could hardly pull it off with a straight face. But more than that, the wording is troubling—it suggests that a person’s feelings can be directly caused by another person or an upsetting event. This is somewhat true, but not completely true. If I insult you, you might feel hurt or angry, and mostly that’s because I insulted you. But it’s also because you are interpreting my behavior in a certain way, and telling yourself little stories about me, about you, and about our relationship.
Anyway, back to the original point of this post! And the point is, even though I don’t ask, “How does that make you feel?” and even though your feelings are not the only thing we focus on in our work together, getting in touch with your deep feelings can really help. You may have some amount of awareness of how you’re feeling about an upsetting event, but upon reflection you might be surprised at the depth and complexity of your feelings. And if you become aware of this deeper layer of feelings, the feelings will then become more available to you for insight, growth, and change.
So here’s a quick primer on feelings. If you’re feeling uneasy, or irritated, or out of sorts, take some time to sit down with yourself and listen to your deeper layer of feelings. One way to do this is to take a look at this list of feeling words, print it out, and circle the ones that ring true for you. Notice that the feelings are grouped in a way that’s similar to my favorite grouping: mad, sad, glad, and afraid. You know it’s a feeling word when it hits you on a gut level. “I feel you’re not respecting me” is not a feeling. “I’m pissed!” is a feeling.
As you go through the list, you might be surprised at how many feelings you have, and how intense some of them are! The value of this exercise is to look within for sources of reflection. If you’re surprised by your feelings—you didn’t know you were that scared, for example—you can then reflect on them and discern where you might want to go next.
Following that example—you feel scared—you could think about ways to face your fear, or ways to express your fear to someone close to you who only has seen your anger until now. They think you’re pissed at them, but the truth is you’re scared. You’re scared they might break up with you, or you’re scared they might not! Or you’re scared they might be injured or hurt, and you use anger to shield yourself from that future pain by creating an emotional distance.
If this sounds like Pop-psych 101, that’s okay. None of this is particularly new or unusual. But most of us have gotten very skilled at hiding our own deepest feelings from ourselves. I for one am very good at the acting-mad-but-actually-scared routine. But sometimes these simple practices get us started on deeper reflection and the complicated process of recovery and growth.
So … how do you feel??
