“I really screwed up. Now what?”
So, it’s your fault. You did something, and you regret it. Maybe it was relatively small: you said something really insulting to your partner. Or you were acting out at work and made a fool of yourself. Maybe it was big: you had an affair. You seriously harmed someone emotionally. You behaved badly. So, now what?
Not every problem in life can be solved by following a step-by-step plan, but sometimes it does help to take things in order, one thing at a time. Here’s a way to work through your big mistake, make sense of it, and make amends. Whether or not you’re able to restore your relationship with another person, you can at least make peace with yourself. So here goes:
1. Face up to what you did. Take out a pad of paper if you like, but find a way to really acknowledge to yourself what happened. “I stepped out on my partner. I knew better, but I did it.” Or, “I said something hurtful. I didn’t mean it, but that doesn’t matter. I hurt my friend, and it’s my fault.” At this stage, don’t express remorse, just get the facts straight. What did you do? What happened when you did it? Fess up to yourself.
2. Get in touch with your own feelings about what you did. Now’s the time for remorse, if you feel it. Remember that feelings are usually simple things: they fall into four basic categories–mad, sad, glad, afraid. If you find yourself saying, “I feel like I let her down,” that’s not a feeling. It’s a thought, an assumption, a judgment. “I feel lousy because I let her down”–that’s better. “Lousy” is the feeling. And what’s under “lousy?” Feelings like guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, frustrated, sad, remorseful, and so on. One more thing about feelings: realize that you’re not an angel. You’re human, so some of your feelings won’t be P.C. “I also feel mad,” you might say to yourself. “Yeah, I screwed up. Big time. But I’m still mad at him about what he did.” That’s just another feeling. It doesn’t hurt to get it out there. Notice it. Jot it down. Reflect on it.
3. Think about the reasons–not excuses, but reasons–why you did what you did. A reason is not an excuse, not a cause for pardon. It’s just a reason. You had a tough childhood, so that’s why you did it? Okay. That’s a reason, but it’s not an excuse. Thinking about the reasons for your behavior is a good thing to do, but not because it “gets you off the hook.” It’s a good thing to do because it helps you get past your own unproductive guilt, or your own unproductive defensiveness. You’re not absolving yourself. You’re just getting some perspective on the circumstances that led to your unfortunate behavior. “I cheated on my partner,” you might say, “because I’ve never had a stable relationship and I got scared. I wasn’t thinking… Maybe I stepped out because I wanted to go first, I was so convinced that he would hurt me.” Again, that’s not an excuse. It’s just a little bit of perspective about your thoughts and actions.
4. Decide what you’re going to do next. This step could look like a lot of different things. It could be any of the following, or something else entirely:
–Apologize, but make it good. Truly apologize for what you did. State clearly to the other person what specifically you regret, and let the other person know that you understand that they feel whatever it is they feel about it. Don’t ask them for anything. Just offer the apology, offer it sincerely, and leave it at that. Let the next step be theirs.
–Resolve to do better. You might have lost the relationship at this point, or perhaps the other person just doesn’t want to deal with it, or talk with you about it. Draw whatever lesson you can from what happened and move forward. Notice when you’re slipping back into useless guilt trips, or useless defensiveness. Notice it, then lead yourself back to your current life.
–Forgive yourself for what you’ve done. This might be the hardest part, at least for some of us. Remember that you are a flawed, fallible human being. You can learn from your mistakes, but you can’t avoid them. This kind of self-forgiveness is not cheap. It takes time–time you spend with yourself, reflecting soberly on what happened, and what’s next for you. But it’s the healthiest way for you to use this difficult time to learn about yourself and, well, grow up a little bit!
