Go for the gold
Sometimes people come to a couple counseling session with an agenda. (Not always, but sometimes.) And sometimes that agenda isn’t pretty. Going from mild to severe, the agenda could be to prove a point, win a longstanding argument, prove their own righteousness, embarrass or hurt their partner, or flat-out destroy their partner.
And all of this–no kidding!–all of this is understandable. I think it was John Gottman who said that in any marriage (or partnership), everyone at one time or another wants to hurt their partner. And even if your feelings aren’t that hot, you’re probably right about a lot of things. Your partner did fail you, at least once, along the way. And you probably were the “better man” (woman) at some point.
But is this really what you want from your therapy session? I know it’s what you want, but is it what you really want?
“Yep!” some people say. To which I usually respond, “We-e-ll…okay then…”
But I encourage you to go for the gold. Get something more from your session. Something like this:
Use your session to confront yourself, not your partner, about what you’re thinking, feeling, or doing, and how that’s getting in your own way, and driving your partner crazy. You probably have 20-20 vision about your partner’s failings, but I promise you that you yourself have some issues to sort out. Your partner makes you furious? Well, sure, and probably for good reason. But how long have you been letting your partner hold this much sway over you and your emotions? Your partner stepped out or lied or broke your bond of trust? Well, if it were me, I’d feel hurt and sad and angry. But what are some ways that you yourself have allowed the relationship to erode?
This isn’t about excusing your partner, or beating yourself down. It’s just about getting a better look at yourself and your relationship. And I call this going “for the gold” because this kind of self-confrontation really is the path to health and happiness in relationships. You’re able to stand a lot taller when you set self-confrontation as your agenda for therapy.
