Gottman’s Marriage Tips 101
Lately I’ve been reviewing the work of John Gottman, a well-known psychotherapist, researcher, and scholar who has devoted his career to helping couples. The Gottman Institute offers great workshops for couples, and Dr. Gottman has published several books on marriage, interpersonal problems, couples with children, you name it.
Here’s a link to a great page on the Gottman Institute’s Web site. It offers several basic tips for couples, and a few surprises. For example, one of the tips is, “Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.” This flies in the face of a common assumption: that if we just express everything that’s on our minds, we’ll be a healthier couple. Not so! I like Gottman’s work because he models it on his extensive observation of healthy couples, couples he calls “masters of marriage.” Gottman has found that these healthy couples usually don’t sound like they’re amped up on self-help books. They’ve figured out how to relate authentically with one another, dealing with both positive and negative emotions. But they’ve also learned that, well, I’ll say it this way: they’ve learned that discretion is often the better part of happiness!
Check out Gottman’s work. It’s a great way to learn how to improve your relationship!
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Thanks for that link. I don’t think I’ve ever needed to hear “Edit Yourself” more than I needed to hear it today. This is so hard for me because I want to talk and overtalk every single thing. Do you think it is healthy for people to have a friend they can “rant” about their partner with? Or is that generally unhealthy? I’ve always been the type to keep a “united front” to all our friends, but it just occurred to me after reading that Gottman tip that maybe that “girlfriend/confident” role does have a place.
May 28th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Hi Jason. Sorry for the long delay in my response! No excuse, but my reason is I took a long Memorial Weekend with family. I think it’s normal–and sometimes healthy–to have a friend who can be a kind of ‘escape valve’ for you. It can get unhealthy if you get into a long-term habit of not bringing hard stuff directly to your partner. It’s healthy if you feel you’re challenging yourself to engage with your partner when it counts. If you’re just blowing off steam with a girlfriend, that’s one thing. But if you’re consistently avoiding the tough issues that hold you and your partner back…well, my guess is you’ll know you’re doing that when you do it! Think through for yourself what the “line” is for you. Ask yourself: am I just blowing off steam? Or am I avoiding something truly important?