Guilt and Shame 101
Recently a client asked me, “What’s the difference between guilt and shame?” It’s a good question, if only because so many of us experience both of these emotions. Here’s my take on it.
Guilt is the emotion we feel when we have done something we regret, something that we think (or know) was not a good thing to do. Guilt is about things we do that we aren’t proud of.
Shame is different. Shame is the emotion we feel when we think there is something about ourselves that is fundamentally bad or wrong. Shame is about things about ourselves that we aren’t proud of.
Sometimes we feel guilt that is really over the top—excessive, even obsessive guilt. Maybe we are involved in an accident, and someone else is hurt or killed, and we feel what’s called “survivor’s guilt”. That’s an example of unjustified guilt, or guilt that isn’t really about a conscious choice we made. It’s guilt run amok.
Shame (I think) is humility run amok. It’s taking humility so far that it becomes its opposite. Here’s what I mean: a person with healthy humility often feels very good about herself. Unlike shame, healthy humility is not self-deprecating or self-denying. Healthy humility is simply an outward orientation, a way of living that is other-directed. But shame is self-directed, and self-destructive. Unlike guilt, I think shame is a useless emotion. It’s a way to shut yourself down, to withdraw from relationships, to step back from your life.
Shame leads us to forget that each human person has intrinsic value, and no matter how much sorrow (and guilt!) we feel about the choices we’ve made, we are not fundamentally broken.
Bottom line: guilt—most of the time—takes us somewhere. Shame—not so much! Both have a way of getting into our lives. Counseling helps you sort all this out, look at yourself with compassion, and respond to these difficult emotions in a healthy way.
